Looking for advice/opinions

[lookingforopinions]

Hello all, this is my first time posting and Im looking for advice/opinions please. Im conscious that this is a predominantly female based forum which is great as Im looking for advice/opinions on if Im thinking wrongly or not! Any opinions valued.

Background situation, Im male 39 years old. She is 28 years old. We have been together for 10 months and she moved in with me in December 2013. She does not contribute to any bills or mortgage or shopping, I dont mind this at all. I earn about 4 times more than her so have no issues with this at all and we have no money concerns at all. Not just me but also her. Whenever we go out I normally pay for things, again Im fine with this and she will sometimes pay for a lunch out, again Im fine with this. My concern comes from a recent holiday we had, last week. It is our 3rd holiday together. The last 2 were both to the Caribbean and were high end holidays which were both fully all inclusive and paid for by me. No problems with this again as they were my idea.

The latest and 3rd holiday was to Spain last week for 6 days and I paid for the hotel and flights, this was not all inclusive so we ate each day there. All the day time food and drinks were added to hotel bill which I paid for. What I thought was strange was that at no stage did she once offer to pay or contribute towards dinners or drinks in the evening at all when we went out each night. Actually she hadnt even brought any Euros with her. I think the amount spent was just over 1000 euros. I just found it strange that she wouldnt or didnt contribute to anything. I get it with the Caribbean holidays as I selected them and they all inclusive so real need for any additional spending.

Im just a little concerned that maybe she is taking me for granted? I dont want to approach the subject with her directly yet in case it creates a big deal. I DO very much love her and I am 100% sure that she loves me. It is obvious not just in words but actions and emotions that we both have a lot of love for each other so I do not for one moment think she is a gold digger just after an easy life. Im just curious as to why she doesnt contribute to anything or offer to? Am I wrong? Should I pay for everything as I earn more? Or should she contribute something? How would other people out there view this? How DO other people out there sharre and/or split such things?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated

[Pleasejustgo]

Cocklodger. Yes, expat quite.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

I agree!

No wonder she's 'happy' to be a sahm, fits in nicely.

[ItIsAnIdeasGame]

Her attitude to money might be a good one, as a wife. Somehow you both have to come on board and treat money in a similar way. I would suggest a joint account as a trial for the next stage.

Tbh, it sounds like your money attitudes are too disparate to overcome. She is very careful and you are not. She thinks you spend foolishly and you think she uses you. You are both right!

For, my dh is a high earner but all my money goes into the joint account and I freelanced for the than 2 years off after my first baby.

Does she have any ambition?

[RPopz]

My first thought is: if you usually always pay for everything, I don't see why you'd expect it to be any different in Spain? If you've never said any to her about it, why would she expect it to be different either?

[expatinscotland]

Again, if you were a woman OP, on no planet would anyone suggest you start a joint account with this person. LOL. People would tell you to get rid, see a solicitor to protect your property, etc etc.

There have been so many similar threads written by women.

There was even one, just last month the OP was female, had a child with the male partner, and there was no end of scorn on him for not 'supporting' his child financially.

[Nennypops]

You simply cannot assume that you will continue to earn at this rate - anything can happen. Therefore you need to do something sensible about putting a sizeable proportion of your income into savings and a pension plan. If you have children, you will maybe want to think about saving for school fees for them. If you start doing that now, it will mean that there is less money available for expensive holidays and everything else you are paying for.

So I suggest you have that chat with your partner about money, saying that is what you are going to do, and that there therefore needs to be some readjustment of financial contributions with her putting a proportionate amount of money into the pot. If she agrees, fine. If she objects, run for the hills.

[Pleasejustgo]

OP what does she contribute to the relationship? I ask as for example as at a very basic level SAHP provides childcare, stable family base and so on and the working parent contributes finances for the families lifestyle so each person is bringing something to the table.

You have no children with her so it's hard to understand her reluctance to contribute.

If she was completely invested in the relationship she wouldn't be holding onto her finances so tightly.

[Pleasejustgo]

Thought I'd add the working parent also provides a stable home life when at home. During the day the SAHP holds the fort.

[BillyBanter]

If I earned 4 times as much as my partner (I'm a woman) then I wouldn't want to restrict my spending to only what they can afford. Nor would I want to go on holiday without them, or only go on holiday if they can afford it. I wouldn't want to only eat in KFC because that's all they can afford, nor would I say, well you go to KFC and I'll go to the caprice and I'll meet you later. I wouldn't want to live like that if I was the one earning less either. On other threads people are aghast that men are treating themselves to designer clothes and fancy holidays on 'their' money while their partner is scraping by on 'their' money. I don't see how that changes when the woman has bigger earnings than the man. Providing the other aspects of the relationship are fine.

I don't think 'cocklodger' is just about having disparate incomes. I do think it would be healthier for your relationship if your partner was contributing to general costs proportionate to her income. Not just for you but for her.

You say you are talking about your future together. That means talking about how you will arrange your finances too. There are many ways to arrange joint finances. What matters is you agree between you. And wanting a future means saving and protecting what you have individually and jointly too.

[BillyBanter]

Of course this doesn't mean she isn't taking advantage of you. She may be. Maybe she is seeing you as a good chance to clear her debts and buy out her ex then dump you. Who knows.

[DIYtrainee]

I think I can see why she doesn't contribute - you spend a large amount of money.

You fritter away lots. £100 bottles of wine? I'm sorry, but that's just daft. I can understand why she would hesitate to contribute.

Have a think on this - how much does it cost her to keep up with your lifestyle?

If you are socialising a lot, how much money is she now spending on clothing that she wouldn't normally have to spend?

Clothing for all the holidays?

I suspect her spending is probably on par to what she was spending before she met you.

You need to have a talk though. Because if you DO stay together YOU will also have to take her views on money into consideration.

You can't just keep spending lots of money on whatever you feel like it - will you be willing to reign in your spending?!

[MelonadeAgain]

Gold digger or not, shes got no manners.

Why don't you just tell her you're slightly uncomfortable with paying for everything? If you do it automatically and quickly, it can be difficult to stop someone paying.

I wouldn't left a man treat me like this, someone taking advantage just eats away at you over time.

[BillyBanter]

Am I the only person who knows someone who INSISTS on buying the drinks even though they bought them last time you were out together or even if they bought the last round. I really can't be bothered with the 'no let me get this' 'no no, let me' 'seriously I'll get it'. 'no, it's ok. I've got this one'? I'll offer to pay once but if they are going to be so bloody insistent about it I'm not going to do the dance every time. If it's that bloody important to them, let them.

If the OP is always insisting that he'll pay then I can see that after a while she would stop offering. It's boring having the same conversation all the time. Let's go on holiday? I can't afford it. It's ok, I can afford it. But you are always paying for things. So I have more money. Oh ok, then. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I wouldn't spend £100 on a bottle of wine but I'm not going to sip at a lambrini just to make a point.

[Pleasejustgo]

DIY?

Really?

She doesn't contribute to household bills so if anything her outgoings have decreased.

I'm curious why does OP have to reign in his spending if it's affordable?

Yes I understand pensions, savings but surely OP has the sense to invest and not spend all his monthly income however that's not the point really.

[RPopz]

Exactly what BillyBanter said. Couldn't have put it better.

[DIYtrainee]

That depends on how much she was spending before, surely?

I'm curious, if you broke down their bills to 'essentials' and took away the luxurious aspect of everything.

Split the remaining money and then cover the luxurious aspects with his money (such as the sky subscription, the difference between the extravagant rent and a standard rent etc). Would he actually have any money left? How much extra would she have than she did before?

What if she never ever spent money on taxis before? What if the drinks where they go now are about 10 times the price of drinks where she went before?

he actually said that he would rather pay for everything rather than be accountable for what he spends. That's pretty damning for me, actually.

Just a thought.

Not saying that I wouldn't be contributing in these circumstances. But that the OP here seems to be treating his money as his and he will do whatever he wants with it.

Think it was very daft of both of them to move in together before discussing it properly.

[HauntedNoddyCar]

There's no reason you can't sit down and work out essential outgoings like council tax, utilities, mortgage etc. And what a weeks groceries would cost if she was doing a basic shop. Divide that proportionate to income and then you have a contribution. She spends the remainder of hers as she wishes and so do you.

If you want to fling 200 quid on a meal out then fine. If you want to book a flash trip then fine. If she can afford a week economy holiday and you want to upgrade then you pay the upgrade.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

You do seem to have dug yourself into a hole by never discussing it and continually paying for everything.

I do wonder if you bought it up now though what her reaction to contributing would be, it would be very telling as to how she sees the relationship I think.

[BillyBanter]

That could also depend on how he brought it up. If he talks as if she has been deliberately dodging paying for anything when that's not the case, she may well not react well.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Oh definitely.

Maybe the test should be telling her he's been made redundant.

(I'm joking!)

[ItIsAnIdeasGame]

I'm not so sure this woman 8s a gold digger but because you've been splashing so much cash, you x an ' be sure. Ask her to help you to do a budget for the next 6 months and see what she comes up with. You might be impressed with her parsimony.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

She could offer, ie Vivienne in 'Pretty Woman' and the tie; it's the thought that counts. I once scored brownie points by offering to buy the fish and chips while with a far wealthier student; he declined my offer but said he was fed up with everyone taking his money for granted. This lady is doing the same, and probably has a very nice savings account stashed away.

[NewNameForSpring]

Quite apart from the money situation, why on earth are you moving things so fast. You had only known her a few months when she moved in. Pretty crazy.