Looking for advice/opinions

[lookingforopinions]

Hello all, this is my first time posting and Im looking for advice/opinions please. Im conscious that this is a predominantly female based forum which is great as Im looking for advice/opinions on if Im thinking wrongly or not! Any opinions valued.

Background situation, Im male 39 years old. She is 28 years old. We have been together for 10 months and she moved in with me in December 2013. She does not contribute to any bills or mortgage or shopping, I dont mind this at all. I earn about 4 times more than her so have no issues with this at all and we have no money concerns at all. Not just me but also her. Whenever we go out I normally pay for things, again Im fine with this and she will sometimes pay for a lunch out, again Im fine with this. My concern comes from a recent holiday we had, last week. It is our 3rd holiday together. The last 2 were both to the Caribbean and were high end holidays which were both fully all inclusive and paid for by me. No problems with this again as they were my idea.

The latest and 3rd holiday was to Spain last week for 6 days and I paid for the hotel and flights, this was not all inclusive so we ate each day there. All the day time food and drinks were added to hotel bill which I paid for. What I thought was strange was that at no stage did she once offer to pay or contribute towards dinners or drinks in the evening at all when we went out each night. Actually she hadnt even brought any Euros with her. I think the amount spent was just over 1000 euros. I just found it strange that she wouldnt or didnt contribute to anything. I get it with the Caribbean holidays as I selected them and they all inclusive so real need for any additional spending.

Im just a little concerned that maybe she is taking me for granted? I dont want to approach the subject with her directly yet in case it creates a big deal. I DO very much love her and I am 100% sure that she loves me. It is obvious not just in words but actions and emotions that we both have a lot of love for each other so I do not for one moment think she is a gold digger just after an easy life. Im just curious as to why she doesnt contribute to anything or offer to? Am I wrong? Should I pay for everything as I earn more? Or should she contribute something? How would other people out there view this? How DO other people out there sharre and/or split such things?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated

[poocatcherchampion]

I'd say you are not compatible. you dont have the same values. this would get boring over 5 years, let alone 10 or 20.

[Galvanised]

He called you the 'C word' several times in an argument?
He's not a catch, he's a pig.

[DIYtrainee]

Hmmm, so I was right. Your poor girlfriend has struggled to keep up with your extravagant spending.

You spend so much money that you don't even notice the normal contributions someone makes.

You didn't SERIOUSLY think your girlfriend wouldn't spot this thread on Mumsnet just because you changed a few details????!!!

Upset - I'm really sorry to say this, but as lovely as this man may seem to be, it was incredibly manipulative to come on here, when he knows this is a forum you frequent, and to do this.

I would seriously re-think your relationship. He didn't just leave a few things out, he left out EVERYTHING that might make him look bad. Take your dignity and leave.

[BillyBanter]

I would also advise caution over ttc with someone if they only want the family home to be their home should you split.

OP, I would hope that if you two should have a child and at some point split up you would want your child and it's mother to be provided for. If there is truth in what your partner says about your family home only belonging to you or a prenup then I would be concerned that should you split at some point you would be one of those men who try to duck out of their financial responsibilities. I hope I'm wrong on this.

[eddielizzard]

jeez you like pissing into the wind don't you lookingforopinions?

upsetconfused, i'd think very carefully before committing to this man. talk about manipulative!

[expatinscotland]

Sure you are.

[Chippednailvarnish]

You sound like you deserve each other.

You might want to hold off TTC though.

[lookingforopinions]

OK its true I didnt mention all facts. Actually it was 4 holidays not 3, a long weekend in Paris and a long weekend in Portugal. She did contribute 500 in December when we newer after our 1st holiday. It is also worth mentioning that even though out of work for 3 months I supported you financially far more than you would have taken home anyway and helped you with many jobs searches.

I am surprised that she managed to identify us here as I had hoped I changed the details sufficiently, still actually now its out in the open and we can discuss between ourselves, which is a good thing :) I do know we love each other and will come through this, so thank you to everyone for the feedback.

[Peacocklady]

Good response upset!

I know it's not quite the same but I've found it hard going on holiday with friends who have more money because we can't keep up and they'll pay for things which I think are a waste of money. What are you supposed to do? Refuse to go along? I find it quite draining and vulgar to see people splashing the cash as if they're in some way worth it.

OP you keep saying you're happy to pay for everything but clearly you're not. Make your mind up, either get a joint account or find someone with the same cash flow and spending compulsions as you.

[UpsetConfused]

Thank you to those who read between the lines, it was difficult reading through this post & it was nice that some of you questioned what my bf was saying!

I did used to contribute/offer ALL OF THE TIME!! There have been uncomfortable moments & I find it difficult to keep up with him & his extravagant ways!!!

I will reply to my bf 'lookingforopinions' now:
Why choose mumsnet when you know I browse on here regularly? Why lie in your details??

You know that I never bring currency abroad & I even comment on why you pay with cash, I do however bring my card & I have paid for meals / drinks before when abroad!
I was planning to pay for dinner on the last night the truth is after the argument we had & you shouted at me & called me the C word repeatedly it made me fill very low, so I didn't pay, afterwards I did feel guilty. Sorry I should have paid for an evening meal!

You don't pay for EVERYTHING, does how I contribute really go unnoticed?! Just the odd lunch??
Whatever amount I do contribute is so insignificant to you, because you spend ludicrous amounts. Like the £500 I contributed to one holiday, is meaningless to you after you had spent so much!

We have talked about TTC in the near future. You have told me that you want a prenup. I have said ok. You want to move to a bigger house next year, but don't want me to be on the mortgage, ever. I have said ok.
I have told you that before we have children I would like to own a buy to let house, so that I have some future finance security. I am trying to save for this. (The flat is in negative equity, with no rental income profit, it was a mistake, we paid over the odds, and you know this)

GROCERIES - In your weekly shop when you purchase tonnes of wine / dvds, I put hardly any food items into the trolley. I do my own grocery shopping for US I am always filling up the cupboards with food & I buy food items just for you. I'm sorry for not contributing enough, my food bill has gone up since living with you & you always say don't worry when I do offer!! I can't win!

BILLS - I am happy to pay my costs, I didn't want to pay for half of sky or half of your council tax bill, 25% of CT is fair. I was surprised that you asked me to pay half of everything, especially when I didn't have a permanent job at the time & I had unknown income. We have only been living together for 3.5 months & I have only just started a permanent job this month, you haven't even given me a proper chance! But everything you do & say is so CONFUSING!!!
Before moving in with you I was living with my parents rent free, because they wanted to help me to save for a deposit for a house, after knowing I had lost money on the flat & that I have a loan to pay back. Previous to that I moved out young & had been paying 50% of the bills/rent/mortgage (for over 9 years with the ex).

I don't want to spend my money on fancy restaurants & I would rather not go than to be made to feel like this. You always pick the restaurant; I have mentioned different ones to go to. You spend a fortune on eating out, not just the cost of your wine, but with your extra dishes i.e two starters & desserts for yourself to try. If that's what you enjoy doing than fair enough but it does make it awkward for me when the bill is sky high.

I agree that I am sensible, but I disagree about an eye for a bargain. It is NORMAL to look at the prices in shops, instead of being like you where you purchase something in John Lewis & then say you couldn't believe how much it cost as you didn't check the price. The face cream comment made me chuckle, you know your face cream IS more expensive than mine :)
Was it the £100 bottle of wines I commented on, or the £300 bottles?!

I may comment occasionally about your purchases but I am never controlling or argumentative, wanting to spend £500 on a model car is daft, but I leave you to it. Do I really make you feel uncomfortable about spending your money?!

You are flash with your cash, & that is not me at all!! You have bought me expensive gifts that I have made you return. You mention wanting me to have a matching watch like yours, which costs more than my car is worth! I thought you were mad booking so many holidays & I told you that!!

I AM grateful & I always say thank you, as well as showing you in many ways.
Something that I understand in life that I don't think you do is that you can't put a price on everything; I am PRICELESS. xx

[NewNameForSpring]

Quite apart from the money situation, why on earth are you moving things so fast. You had only known her a few months when she moved in. Pretty crazy.

[GoblinLittleOwl]

She could offer, ie Vivienne in 'Pretty Woman' and the tie; it's the thought that counts. I once scored brownie points by offering to buy the fish and chips while with a far wealthier student; he declined my offer but said he was fed up with everyone taking his money for granted. This lady is doing the same, and probably has a very nice savings account stashed away.

[ItIsAnIdeasGame]

I'm not so sure this woman 8s a gold digger but because you've been splashing so much cash, you x an ' be sure. Ask her to help you to do a budget for the next 6 months and see what she comes up with. You might be impressed with her parsimony.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

Oh definitely.

Maybe the test should be telling her he's been made redundant.

(I'm joking!)

[BillyBanter]

That could also depend on how he brought it up. If he talks as if she has been deliberately dodging paying for anything when that's not the case, she may well not react well.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

You do seem to have dug yourself into a hole by never discussing it and continually paying for everything.

I do wonder if you bought it up now though what her reaction to contributing would be, it would be very telling as to how she sees the relationship I think.

[HauntedNoddyCar]

There's no reason you can't sit down and work out essential outgoings like council tax, utilities, mortgage etc. And what a weeks groceries would cost if she was doing a basic shop. Divide that proportionate to income and then you have a contribution. She spends the remainder of hers as she wishes and so do you.

If you want to fling 200 quid on a meal out then fine. If you want to book a flash trip then fine. If she can afford a week economy holiday and you want to upgrade then you pay the upgrade.

[DIYtrainee]

That depends on how much she was spending before, surely?

I'm curious, if you broke down their bills to 'essentials' and took away the luxurious aspect of everything.

Split the remaining money and then cover the luxurious aspects with his money (such as the sky subscription, the difference between the extravagant rent and a standard rent etc). Would he actually have any money left? How much extra would she have than she did before?

What if she never ever spent money on taxis before? What if the drinks where they go now are about 10 times the price of drinks where she went before?

he actually said that he would rather pay for everything rather than be accountable for what he spends. That's pretty damning for me, actually.

Just a thought.

Not saying that I wouldn't be contributing in these circumstances. But that the OP here seems to be treating his money as his and he will do whatever he wants with it.

Think it was very daft of both of them to move in together before discussing it properly.

[RPopz]

Exactly what BillyBanter said. Couldn't have put it better.

[Pleasejustgo]

DIY?

Really?

She doesn't contribute to household bills so if anything her outgoings have decreased.

I'm curious why does OP have to reign in his spending if it's affordable?

Yes I understand pensions, savings but surely OP has the sense to invest and not spend all his monthly income however that's not the point really.

[BillyBanter]

Am I the only person who knows someone who INSISTS on buying the drinks even though they bought them last time you were out together or even if they bought the last round. I really can't be bothered with the 'no let me get this' 'no no, let me' 'seriously I'll get it'. 'no, it's ok. I've got this one'? I'll offer to pay once but if they are going to be so bloody insistent about it I'm not going to do the dance every time. If it's that bloody important to them, let them.

If the OP is always insisting that he'll pay then I can see that after a while she would stop offering. It's boring having the same conversation all the time. Let's go on holiday? I can't afford it. It's ok, I can afford it. But you are always paying for things. So I have more money. Oh ok, then. EVERY SINGLE TIME. I wouldn't spend £100 on a bottle of wine but I'm not going to sip at a lambrini just to make a point.

[MelonadeAgain]

Gold digger or not, shes got no manners.

Why don't you just tell her you're slightly uncomfortable with paying for everything? If you do it automatically and quickly, it can be difficult to stop someone paying.

I wouldn't left a man treat me like this, someone taking advantage just eats away at you over time.

[DIYtrainee]

I think I can see why she doesn't contribute - you spend a large amount of money.

You fritter away lots. £100 bottles of wine? I'm sorry, but that's just daft. I can understand why she would hesitate to contribute.

Have a think on this - how much does it cost her to keep up with your lifestyle?

If you are socialising a lot, how much money is she now spending on clothing that she wouldn't normally have to spend?

Clothing for all the holidays?

I suspect her spending is probably on par to what she was spending before she met you.

You need to have a talk though. Because if you DO stay together YOU will also have to take her views on money into consideration.

You can't just keep spending lots of money on whatever you feel like it - will you be willing to reign in your spending?!

[BillyBanter]

Of course this doesn't mean she isn't taking advantage of you. She may be. Maybe she is seeing you as a good chance to clear her debts and buy out her ex then dump you. Who knows.

[BillyBanter]

If I earned 4 times as much as my partner (I'm a woman) then I wouldn't want to restrict my spending to only what they can afford. Nor would I want to go on holiday without them, or only go on holiday if they can afford it. I wouldn't want to only eat in KFC because that's all they can afford, nor would I say, well you go to KFC and I'll go to the caprice and I'll meet you later. I wouldn't want to live like that if I was the one earning less either. On other threads people are aghast that men are treating themselves to designer clothes and fancy holidays on 'their' money while their partner is scraping by on 'their' money. I don't see how that changes when the woman has bigger earnings than the man. Providing the other aspects of the relationship are fine.

I don't think 'cocklodger' is just about having disparate incomes. I do think it would be healthier for your relationship if your partner was contributing to general costs proportionate to her income. Not just for you but for her.

You say you are talking about your future together. That means talking about how you will arrange your finances too. There are many ways to arrange joint finances. What matters is you agree between you. And wanting a future means saving and protecting what you have individually and jointly too.