Looking for advice/opinions

[lookingforopinions]

Hello all, this is my first time posting and Im looking for advice/opinions please. Im conscious that this is a predominantly female based forum which is great as Im looking for advice/opinions on if Im thinking wrongly or not! Any opinions valued.

Background situation, Im male 39 years old. She is 28 years old. We have been together for 10 months and she moved in with me in December 2013. She does not contribute to any bills or mortgage or shopping, I dont mind this at all. I earn about 4 times more than her so have no issues with this at all and we have no money concerns at all. Not just me but also her. Whenever we go out I normally pay for things, again Im fine with this and she will sometimes pay for a lunch out, again Im fine with this. My concern comes from a recent holiday we had, last week. It is our 3rd holiday together. The last 2 were both to the Caribbean and were high end holidays which were both fully all inclusive and paid for by me. No problems with this again as they were my idea.

The latest and 3rd holiday was to Spain last week for 6 days and I paid for the hotel and flights, this was not all inclusive so we ate each day there. All the day time food and drinks were added to hotel bill which I paid for. What I thought was strange was that at no stage did she once offer to pay or contribute towards dinners or drinks in the evening at all when we went out each night. Actually she hadnt even brought any Euros with her. I think the amount spent was just over 1000 euros. I just found it strange that she wouldnt or didnt contribute to anything. I get it with the Caribbean holidays as I selected them and they all inclusive so real need for any additional spending.

Im just a little concerned that maybe she is taking me for granted? I dont want to approach the subject with her directly yet in case it creates a big deal. I DO very much love her and I am 100% sure that she loves me. It is obvious not just in words but actions and emotions that we both have a lot of love for each other so I do not for one moment think she is a gold digger just after an easy life. Im just curious as to why she doesnt contribute to anything or offer to? Am I wrong? Should I pay for everything as I earn more? Or should she contribute something? How would other people out there view this? How DO other people out there sharre and/or split such things?

Any thoughts greatly appreciated

[meditrina]

I've noticed at you have posted it his thread 3 times, and that all are arrtacting replies - so I hope it's not being too fragmented or confusing to keep up with all of them.

Though your viewpoint is beginning to confuse me a little. You seem to be saying that you've told her that you'll pay for everything (for you don't want either of you to be worried about total spending), yet don't like her actualy living in accordance with that decision. I think you need to talk all of this through with her again.

[sonjadog]

You have to talk to her about this. You can get all the opinions in the world on here but the only thing that matters is what she thinks, and the only way to find out is to ask her. If you are planning a future with her you absolutely have to be able to have difficult conversations. You cannot go through your life guessing what she is thinking. This is the time to start practising those difficult conversations.

[kirako]

What you describe is two people who don't communicate well with each other. It's a short-term solution for you to pay for everything, and I can understand why you've got into the situation, but if you want a long-term future together you must prioritise your relationship.

For example- she'd be happy with a chap meal on holiday while you want to try somewhere that looks really good. (Ditto your choice of tv subscription etc is different to hers.) Neither of you are wrong, but if you just throw money at the problem then you haven't resolved anything. You certainly haven't discussed and agreed a solution that's fair to you both.

It could be that she's not a gold-digger, but could become used to that lifestyle. It could be that she becomes fed up of your perceived extravagance. Either way, you could lose respect for each other if this continues.

[TeenAndTween]

If initially she kept offering to contribute, and you kept saying no, I can see how after a while she would stop offering.

If this is going to be permanent, why not suggest setting up a joint account for household expenses and propose and 80-20 (or even 90-10) ratio in contributions?

Then for future holidays, you either pay from the joint account, or you could suggest paying the base cost from your own 'savings' with day-t0-day expenses there paid from joint.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

If she's earning £24k then yes she should be contributing, regardless of what you earn. That's still a lot of disposable income very month.

I'm sure she is happy to become a sahm, she's going to have quite a comfy little life.

[eddielizzard]

i've had a relationship like yours where i earned more than my dp at the time.

it started off as quite equal but over time i'd offer to treat as he couldn't afford something and slowly ended up me paying for everything. it was the assumption that bothered me. that and loaning him money that was never paid back. it did make me feel taken for granted.

the solution for you: to discuss this in a non-aggressive, non-accusatory way. if this person is someone you envisage starting a family with, then it's worth it.

or i guess you could take the view that as she's going to have your children and be a sahm and therefore dependant on you anyway, what's the point?

for me it's a respect thing. not being taken for granted.

i think i'd ask her to be in charge of something round the house. like food basics. or the water bill. something. and i think she'll feel better for it too.

[WyldChyld]

The thing that sticks out for me is the going on holiday with literally no euros. As I said before, there's a huge disparity between my income and DP's (although his is pretty crap pay despite being massively important job) but I still need to feel as though I contribute. The assumption that someone else will just pick up the tab comes across as being very selfish.

[BillyBanter]

She's always had to budget but you have gotten used to earning a lot and spending a lot. She can't hope to keep up with your spending, you've set a precedent with you paying for holidays, so I can see that she's just letting you even though she's taking time to acclimatise to your more spendthrift ways. It seems for you the pleasure in having money is being able spending it without having to seek out the best deal etc.

Maybe it would be healthier if you sat down and worked out your finances together so that you pool your money. You both get paid into a joint account and that pays for household bills, and putting some savings away. Then the remaining money is split in half (!) but when you go out you pay half each. Or she pays for some nights out and you others. Also with that money she might choose to save while you might choose to spend it on £100 bottles of wine. This also makes for a more balanced relationship.

If you are hoping to stay together and have children together then something more like this arrangement is what you should have. You should be working towards being a team with your finances.

[Pipbin]

I earn twice what my DP does but the bills are sorted so that we both have the same amount of disposable income each month.

I'm sorry to say OP but I think you are being taken for granted, and for a ride. The fact that she earns a good wage but didn't take any cash on holiday with you is not a good sign.

If you are going to marry her the you need to talk about this.

[Pleasejustgo]

How much each of you earns here is entirely irrelevant. If you are happy for her to contribute nothing then fine but clearly you aren't. You need to discuss this situation and then if after you've had an honest conversation you'll still happy with the current arrangement, great, however she should be contributing. She's working, she's not a sahm. Yet. It seems to me you're a bit of a soft touch. She doesn't yet realise that by being a sahm you do give back and contribute in a huge way and yes there are enormous perks but it's about equal and agreed contribution ie career/time sacrifice.

If this isn't the case and she is uncomfortable with your financial decisions, this is still a conversation you need to have.

Arguing about money is entirely unnecessary and a little tacky as far as I'm concerned.

[missymayhemsmum]

If you are committed to each other and living together you need to have the 'future plans and finances' conversation. It sounds as though you have a much more lavish lifestyle than she can afford or is used to, which she may actually be quite uncomfortable with? Perhaps you could rein it in in order to get used to the budget you will have as a family with children and one earner and put the rest into building up savings/ clearing debt? At the moment her pov seems to be that you waste money. Your pov is that you earn it so you can enjoy spending it. So she's letting you spend it. You need to learn to have reasonable, listening conversations about money if you are going to live together and have a family, because it isn't going to be any easier when you have a screaming baby and 3 hrs sleep in the last week.
Have you talked about your backgrounds and history and how having/ not having/spending/talking about money makes you feel?

[BillyBanter]

At the moment her pov seems to be that you waste money. Your pov is that you earn it so you can enjoy spending it. So she's letting you spend it.

I think that sums it up nicely. I've mostly had similar or poorer partners but in her position I would probably, after a while of seeing how you are and decide the line of least resistance is to let you spend your money on taking me on holiday if you like and can afford it, which you clearly can.

[ThePinkOcelot]

She's taking the piss out of you. She's obviously rubbing her hands together with glee. She looks like a gold digger to me.

[ookiepatookie]

If you're thinking long -term, assuming neither of you are Trust Funders, there must be some joint goals?

Eg: Are you planning for children? One of you may need a career break/want to retrain. What if one of you is made redundant.

When you say "no money worries" that's great, but then maybe you should look at putting some spare income towards early retirement, etc? With two good incomes, you can move towards this joint goal sooner.

If she's not on the property ladder, she's actually in quite a vulnerable position if she isn't saving income. Eg, does she have savings in case your relationship goes tits up and she is homeless?

At the moment, it looks a bit like she's just part of "your life that you've already made". Which is natural given the age gap and that you're further ahead in your career.

But I think that "lets talk about OUR joint financial goals" is a better stance than "right, start contributing". As in "what kind of life do we want, what are OUR financial goals, how can WE achieve them".

You're in the DINKY stage now (double income, no kids) which is traditionally the "easy part" financially, you need to start building a cushion.

At the moment, it looks like you're asking her to contribute to the life which you have already decided on?

Where does SHE want to go on holiday or spend her leisure time? Maybe if she was paying half, she'd want to go to more studenty, cheaper places rather than luxury breaks. And then you don't get to just pick what place looks nice for you. Are you willing to give up that control?

Once you are BOTH involved, then I think things will feel more equal. But I wonder if you've slipped into a bit of a "lover who does nice things" role with her and enjoy taking on the role of "I'm the adult who had 100% say on holidays" - she's the child/pet who is treated.

What you need to be moving the relationship towards is "equal partners"?

[lookingforopinions]

Thanks again all. All the points of view muchly appreciated. To answer some of the questions raised

Is she on the property ladder? She has a flat with her ex which they rent out. Ideally she needs to buy him out and continue renting so she has secure future in the property. I have offered to provide the money to buy him out, he is a little stubborn but I am sure will agree sooner or latter. He will need to be free of that mortgage to get another.
Would she prefer cheaper holidays? She always had cheaper yes but obviously prefers the nicer holidays. Again she said she would be happy economy to Carribean, I want to stay first class. But again it is my choice and I have NO problem with paying for all the holiday, just the extras there would be nice for some contribution when we are there.

Have we talked about backgrounds? Yes, we know each others, for me I had no parents funding 7 years of uni and it was very difficult living in some really scummy bedsits with drug dealers at times! She had some tough times as she only has 1 previous partner from a very early age and they moved in together from the age of 18 and she took control of the finances. So I think we both get each others history and current spending habbits. As an example I think she spends a crazy amount of money on skin cream and things, err... I’m sure that is normal though as I don’t use any!

[maras2]

You've had 3 holidays in 10 months? Sorry, not helpful.She is taking the piss and should be ashamed of herself. Oh,and you're a daft sod for letting her.Sit down together and try to work something out as you seem to like her a lot.Good luck.

[Pleasejustgo]

Oh OP kept woman springs to mind.

She protests as she knows she's taking the piss. She accepts 1st class, Michelin stars and Creme de la Mer but won't contribute to the essentials? You're wealth is newly acquired it seems so yes you want to enjoy it and it seems you want someone to enjoy it with which is fair enough however even if you were trust funded it still doesn't matter, even if your house was mortgage free it still doesn't matter.

This is not about money it's about communication and equality in your relationship and I'd tread very carefully before joint bank accounts and children.

[Pleasejustgo]

Your

[Pleasejustgo]

Also OP maybe her ex wants the flat? Which is why he is not so agreeable.

[expatinscotland]

Wow! You are a real live sugar daddy.

Of you were a woman posting about her boyfriend of 10 months behai vg like this, there would have been a massive hue and cry about what a cocklodger he is and to get rid.

Lucky her! She's onto a winner with you! You're the equivalent of winning the lottery.

[neverthebride]

I agree she should feel ashamed of herself. Even if I went on holiday with a millionaire I'd take some cash with me and at least offer to pay for a meal. It's what people do. Even if it's 'not about the money' it's just plain rude not to!.

Can't understand her mentality at all.

[Pleasejustgo]

I wanted to say sugar daddy expat but wasn't sure how rude it was

[expatinscotland]

Can you imagine the responses if the OP were a woman talking about her boyfriend of 10 months, Please?

A nearly unanimous LTB, don't have kids/marry this man, he will be sat at home sponging off you forever, get rid, etc.

But when it's a man? Sit down, have a nice discussion about money and when she plans to start popping the sprogs and sit at home from now till the world ends.

MN makes me laugh with the sexist double standards.

There is a thread now from a woman whose husband just doesn't want to pay, work, etc.

With most heaping scorn on him and telling her to ditch him.

[Pobblewhohasnotoes]

The fact that you went on holiday and she didn't take any money speaks volumes.

She expects you to pay for everything. She wants to be a kept woman.

[expatinscotland]

Takes the strop and argues when you bring it up. I'll bet!