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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this friend was out of order and to just let her go?

90 replies

OhFFSWhatsWrongNow · 08/05/2014 19:44

My DD is 12 and is becoming very self conscious about her body. We have had the period talk(though she hasn't started yet) and changes to the body talk. During which she confessed to me that some boys in her class had teased her and her friends a number of times and made silly immature jokes about their breasts. Apparently it was quite bad some of the girls and my dd had cried over it.I asked her why she didn't tell me before and age said she didn't want to make a fuss of it.

This was about a month ago , I have spoken to the school about it and it's been resolved thankfully. Dd still feels quite insecure though and we are trying to work through this.

Anyway a few days ago a friend of mine had come round to see me. We were sitting in the kitchen talking when dd came in to get a drink. Friend started to say how much dd had grown, how tall she was etc. All quite normal. Then for some inane reason came out with the line "look, she's even starting to get little boobies and a nice little bum aswell! The boys will all be after you!" She then proceeded to tap her on the bum to justify her point Hmm

Immediately I felt my heart stop. Dd turned bright red and ran up to her room crying. My friend couldn't understand what the problem was. I told her I would tell her after I went up to see if dd was ok. Dd was very upset and said she felt so embarrassed. After I calmed her down I went down to explain to my friend why she was so upset, but she was nowhere to be found! 10 mins later I got a text from her to say that she didn't feel welcome in my home and thought it better she left because of dd's behaviour!

I'm afraid to say I layed into her and told her it was an inappropriate thing to say and do to anyone let alone a 12yo and that she shouldn't be tapping children's bottoms. She replied with she was just being friendly and a girl of dd's age shouldn't be crying at things like that!

Aibu to just dump this friend? I mean really who the hell goes around and says things like that?? Hmm or am I in fact over reacting? This friend and I have known each other for 20 years so we are close but still Angry

OP posts:
subtleplansarehereagain · 08/05/2014 19:46

Bin her. Not for getting it wrong, but for not apologising when you explained.

Donttrustyoursil · 08/05/2014 19:47

Poor DD Thanks

Why don't you leave things for a while and see how you feel when some time has passed?

greenfolder · 08/05/2014 19:48

it depends. i hate people making comments like those to girls. it is ill placed and poor behaviour.

however, you have been friends for 20 years and are close. presumably she did not say it to cause upset and has known your dd her whole life.

wowfudge · 08/05/2014 19:50

Classic deflection by the sounds of things. If she is a true friend she should be apologising. Sounds like the kind of thing some horrible old auntie says, not one of your friends. Very insensitive, especially if she knew the background. YANBU at all.

CoffeeTea103 · 08/05/2014 19:50

I'm sorry but i think you overreacted. Your friend seemed to be joking and probably said it out of affection. Gosh people are just so ridiculous these days. Rather help your dd to be less sensitive as she will hear worse things to come. You would let a friendship of 20 years go just because of this. Confused

Original poster
OhFFSWhatsWrongNow · 08/05/2014 19:50

The thing is, she knows about the boys teasing her and how upset she is about it. I just can't understand why anyone would embarrass a 12yo girl like that.

OP posts:
mytwoblackandwhitecats · 08/05/2014 19:52

I can actually see both sides.

I would have been horrified at 12 to have this done, and this needed pointing out to your friend.

But I wouldn't lose a 20 year friendship over it either to be honest.

MyFabulousBoys · 08/05/2014 19:52

Dump her if only for the fact she calls them "boobies".

Seriously she sounds like a pita but only you can decide if it is a one off or typical. The latter I would dump no problem. The former maybe give her another chance. If you can be bothered. But don't let her near DD again until she is an adult!

Original poster
OhFFSWhatsWrongNow · 08/05/2014 19:53

coffee possibly I am over reacting, but my dd was so upset she cried for a long time. Wouldn't say it was ridiculous though Confused

OP posts:
wowfudge · 08/05/2014 19:54

She knows yet she bogged off as she 'didn't feel welcome'! After 20 years of friendship she behaves like that?

FaFoutis · 08/05/2014 19:55

My mum did this to me when I was your DD's age and I have never forgotten how utterly mortified I was.

Your friend is lacking empathy and hasn't listened to you. I would distance myself from such a friend.

Pagwatch · 08/05/2014 19:55

Dump her if only for the fact she calls them "boobies".

this

And the 'all the boys will be after you because you have boobies and a bum'. My DD is 11 and I would be completely non plussed if one of my friends said something so thick.

Original poster
OhFFSWhatsWrongNow · 08/05/2014 19:57

wow yes she buggered off without a word then proceeded to tell me that my dd shouldn't get so upset over what she said/did! Ffs she's 12!

OP posts:
oaksettle · 08/05/2014 20:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bellarations · 08/05/2014 20:03

Sounds like your friend left to avoid the fallout.
She needs to apologise to you, and your dd in a way that doesn't embarrass her again.
Thing is a friendship of 20 years, a decent one at least, can survive this.
Some people are just plain stupid, not necessarily on purpose to upset anyone.
Hopefully you can work this out.

Anotheronebitthedust · 08/05/2014 20:06

Agree with subtlepleasures - to my mind its a very bit weird thing to say (and do), but people have different boundaries, and/or occasionally say things without thinking.

But anybody decent would feel awful about making a child (particularly one they've known since birth and are close to) that upset, no matter how/why, and want to apologise to them, not walk out in a huff because they don't feel welcome, ffs!

OnaPromise · 08/05/2014 20:07

Poor DD, god being a 12 year old girl is so hard and your friend was very insensitive. Does she not remember?

And she very definitely should have apologised. Does she have form for insensitivity?

CarmineRose1978 · 08/05/2014 20:10

I certainly don't think your daughter was over-reacting... At that age it's really common to be sensitive about things like that, especially if boys are teasing/paying unwanted attention. I would have died if someone had said that to me... I started my periods at 12 and could barely bear to talk to my mum about it, let alone anyone else. I also think your friend's reaction was really weird... She was putting her own embarrassment at upsetting your DD on you and your DD, instead of admitting she had said something a bit inappropriate.

Whether you want to fall out with her about it, though? I don't know. I'd maybe try to talk to her about it calmly and see how she reacts.

SoonToBeSix · 08/05/2014 20:10

Seriously you would dump a friend after twenty years if friendship? Grow up.

mytwoblackandwhitecats · 08/05/2014 20:13

I think it sounds like classic not thinking: treating the DD like a much younger child and just not taking into account the embarrassment.

I completely understand the reactions of the DD especially Flowers however they WERE extreme reactions and I can understand why the friend left.

Mintyy · 08/05/2014 20:16

Well, its tricky, but I don't think I could be friends with someone who could say something so vile to a 12 year old girl!! Really, those comments about "all the boys being interested" are horribly ignorant, misogynistic, and incredibly inappropriate to associate with a child. So, yes, I find it hard to forgive her on your behalf op.

Pagwatch · 08/05/2014 20:19

Exactly Mintyy

For me it wouldn't be dropping a friend out of pique but more a case of 'Christ alive, my friend is a bit of a dick and I never realised' re-framing.

Mintyy · 08/05/2014 20:19

Quite.

ProjectGainsborough · 08/05/2014 20:20

Really Soon ?

You'd have to have your head in a bucket not to be aware that young girls are pretty sensitive about their bodies. And having caused upset, the friend chose to flounce rather than apologise. I think the OP has decent cause to be pissed off. Only she knows if it's worth mending fences.

Pagwatch · 08/05/2014 20:22

I like SoontoBeSix comments.
It makes friendship sound like a prison sentence.

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