To think this friend was out of order and to just let her go?

[OhFFSWhatsWrongNow]

My DD is 12 and is becoming very self conscious about her body. We have had the period talk(though she hasn't started yet) and changes to the body talk. During which she confessed to me that some boys in her class had teased her and her friends a number of times and made silly immature jokes about their breasts. Apparently it was quite bad some of the girls and my dd had cried over it.I asked her why she didn't tell me before and age said she didn't want to make a fuss of it.

This was about a month ago , I have spoken to the school about it and it's been resolved thankfully. Dd still feels quite insecure though and we are trying to work through this.

Anyway a few days ago a friend of mine had come round to see me. We were sitting in the kitchen talking when dd came in to get a drink. Friend started to say how much dd had grown, how tall she was etc. All quite normal. Then for some inane reason came out with the line "look, she's even starting to get little boobies and a nice little bum aswell! The boys will all be after you!" She then proceeded to tap her on the bum to justify her point

Immediately I felt my heart stop. Dd turned bright red and ran up to her room crying. My friend couldn't understand what the problem was. I told her I would tell her after I went up to see if dd was ok. Dd was very upset and said she felt so embarrassed. After I calmed her down I went down to explain to my friend why she was so upset, but she was nowhere to be found! 10 mins later I got a text from her to say that she didn't feel welcome in my home and thought it better she left because of dd's behaviour!

I'm afraid to say I layed into her and told her it was an inappropriate thing to say and do to anyone let alone a 12yo and that she shouldn't be tapping children's bottoms. She replied with she was just being friendly and a girl of dd's age shouldn't be crying at things like that!

Aibu to just dump this friend? I mean really who the hell goes around and says things like that?? or am I in fact over reacting? This friend and I have known each other for 20 years so we are close but still

hello

Sorry I don't have time to read through everyone's answers but just wanted to post, as I had a similar experience when I was about your DD's age.

I was speaking to my mum's friend on the phone and she made a throwaway comment about my "big boobs" and that all the boys would be after me etc etc. I felt my heart was going to come out of my chest and my face went red hot. I ended the conversation politely but as soon as possible, hung up, and cried and cried and cried. I was mortified and embarrassed and just so upset.

It was awful for those following minutes and hours, however I got over it (on my own, I never told my mum about it) and came to understand she had a point ! I am sure your DD will be absolutely fine. Try and let her see the funny / silly side (if at all possible??) or just don't mention it again unless she wants to bring it up.

Don't be too hard on your friend. She probably just said it without thinking, and the reaction of your daughter may have just put her out of sorts, she clearly didn't know how to handle it. Deep down she may feel quite stupid and guilty for making her cry.

I dont think she was purposely being inappropriate and unkind to your DD, she's a good mate and sometimes those close to you can make comments you may deem inappropriate but they don't necessarily realise they're being annoying. Its the fact that when you went back downstairs she'd gone, just like that. & then text you (passive aggressive) and further to that, commented about your DDs behaviour! Its not for her to judge whether your DD should be upset, or not.

Well then - your DD was upset at your friend's behaviour (your DD does actually have the right to be upset, her feelings matter just as much as anyone else's lest your friend forget that) - and, she was upset at your DDs behaviour. So its on both sides. Why on earth she couldn't have resolved this with you when you came back downstairs rather than flouncing off, I don't know.

If I were her Id have immediately realised DD was sensitive about her body changes, waited downstairs whilst you calmed her, and apologised when you came back down. & knowing me, have popped back round later with a nice little gift for DD! We're all women and know how it feels to be sensitive about your body, and that thing people sometimes do of feeling its ok to openly comment.

To be honest, I definetely would bin her. She's upset your DD and couldn't care less. There's a possibility it could have been resolved at the time but she chose to storm off and be even ruder about it. I couldnt be bothered with a 'mate' like that

Let her cool off, and let her be the one who apologises and mends fences. It was a stupid thing to say to a girl that age, in my opinion, and leaving the house, and trying to put it over on you and your daughter, is very poor behaviour from a friend.

Oh dear it was a stupid thing to say to a 12 year old but perhaps she thought (in a misguided way!) that she was being complimentary? I don't know but I'm sure she didn't set out to upset your DD especially as you've known each other for such a long time. I guess the reason she left was because she was either embarrassed by what she said or just plain mortified it had been taken in such a bad way. And her behaviour since is probably her trying to justify her mistake out of her own embarrassment?
Not saying at all that she did the right thing and at 12 my own DD would have been upset/embarrassed by it but surely it was never intended to be malicious?
Only you know if the friendship is worth saving though.

I think your friend stormed off because she was absolutely mortified and embarrassed about what she'd said, and the effect it had on your DD. I honestly think she was intending to be jocular and friendly. Yes it was a hideous thing to say, but does she have form for saying stupid things/putting her foot in it? Do you really and truly think she would deliberately upset your DD? If so, then yes, you need to end the friendship. If not, think about things from her point of view, which is difficult I know when your child is very upset. Had you maybe just had a quiet word with your friend, and not bought into your DD's upset quite as much things could have been smoothed over and you would probably have had an apology. I think in your position, your role would actually have been to comfort and calm your daughter whilst gently and in a friendly way explaining the problem to your friend, and minimise her embarrassment. That she felt so mortified that she fled is a reflection on your behaviour, actually.

given that the friend already knew the DD had body issues, this was a stupid thing to say.

What is worse, to me, is the disappearance and attempt to blame the DD's behaviour, instead of being grown up enough to apologise.

Ad I don't agree that the OP should have "smoothed things over" because that is simply minimising the DD's feelings, that the DD is perfectly entitled to have.

People say this sort of shit to girls all the time. It's where it starts that their bodies are their for public consumption for everyone to have an opinion on.

I think your friend needs to grow up and give you dd an apolgy and then see where it goes form there. It's one thing to say something stupid but her reaction (your friend's was uncalled for).

yanbu, ok if it was misjudged and she apologised, but she didn't.

No, I didn't say she should minimise her DD's feelings at all, of course the poor kid was upset and that can be acknowledged, but life isn't just black and white is it? Just because one person has the right to be upset, doesn't mean the other person is a baddie, IYSWIM, and feelings could have been saved on both sides, had the OP acted a little differently. Sometimes "smoothing over" is necessary in real life, to save feelings, and sometimes friendships. Diplomacy is not the same as minimising.

Victim blaming is what came to mind for me too. I know it's not an extreme situation, but I would think carefully about staying friendly with someone with those attitudes. She sounds like my Mum back in the 80s actually. I came home from school once with a note letting her know that a boy in my class hit me in the stomach and pulled my hair. Mum's reaction? Coy smile and 'Aww, he likes you!' Really not helpful (or accurate!)

My mother used to say the same! right down to the creepy fucking smile

We were also all victims of my father (DV) so it just adds a another layer of stupid. What are we trying to teach our girls when we say that? Or in fact our boys?!

petit the op never got a chance to "smoothe over" because when she returned the friend had fucked off. Or should she not have checked on her dd?

Women's (and girls') bodies aren't public property, contrary to wearyingly common opinion. It's not ever ok to comment to someone about the size of their boobs or bum unless comment has been invited by the owner of said boobs and bum.

And touching them? The backstory doesn't matter, your friend was inappropriate and I wouldn't have her as a friend simply based on the fact and thought this was an ok way to behave to any teenage girl.

Sorry, what I'm trying to say is yes, people who spout sexist shit like that need to be told, and I think that's a given on this thread. I just mean, if it's a mate, you don't then make them feel like a piece of crap if you think it was really a remark made without thought or feeling. In this case I think the friend was trying, misguidedly, to flatter DD, but is obviously a bit clueless as to how to do that, and came across as an offensive prat. Given 20 years of friendship, I'd have trodden lightly.

Oi of course checking on her DD is priority, I didn't say any differently did I? Just have a thought for your guest and take a moment to explain why you have to disappear for a few minutes. Anything else is just bad manners really and not the way you treat a mate. Unless as I say she has form for being offensive, or intentionally upsetting children, in which case all bets are off.

I'd dump your friend. Total support here. I was that girl once and I'm so pleased you sound like such a lovely supportive mum.