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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this friend was out of order and to just let her go?

90 replies

OhFFSWhatsWrongNow · 08/05/2014 19:44

My DD is 12 and is becoming very self conscious about her body. We have had the period talk(though she hasn't started yet) and changes to the body talk. During which she confessed to me that some boys in her class had teased her and her friends a number of times and made silly immature jokes about their breasts. Apparently it was quite bad some of the girls and my dd had cried over it.I asked her why she didn't tell me before and age said she didn't want to make a fuss of it.

This was about a month ago , I have spoken to the school about it and it's been resolved thankfully. Dd still feels quite insecure though and we are trying to work through this.

Anyway a few days ago a friend of mine had come round to see me. We were sitting in the kitchen talking when dd came in to get a drink. Friend started to say how much dd had grown, how tall she was etc. All quite normal. Then for some inane reason came out with the line "look, she's even starting to get little boobies and a nice little bum aswell! The boys will all be after you!" She then proceeded to tap her on the bum to justify her point Hmm

Immediately I felt my heart stop. Dd turned bright red and ran up to her room crying. My friend couldn't understand what the problem was. I told her I would tell her after I went up to see if dd was ok. Dd was very upset and said she felt so embarrassed. After I calmed her down I went down to explain to my friend why she was so upset, but she was nowhere to be found! 10 mins later I got a text from her to say that she didn't feel welcome in my home and thought it better she left because of dd's behaviour!

I'm afraid to say I layed into her and told her it was an inappropriate thing to say and do to anyone let alone a 12yo and that she shouldn't be tapping children's bottoms. She replied with she was just being friendly and a girl of dd's age shouldn't be crying at things like that!

Aibu to just dump this friend? I mean really who the hell goes around and says things like that?? Hmm or am I in fact over reacting? This friend and I have known each other for 20 years so we are close but still Angry

OP posts:
TheFarceAndTheSpurious · 08/05/2014 20:22

This reply has been deleted

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BaronVonShush · 08/05/2014 20:23

It sounds like your friend is embarrassed for what happened and is huffing and puffing about your dd's reaction to cover her mistake.
Sometimes people say silly things, they don't think and just say rubbish.
Perhaps leave it a while and then talk to her calmly about it. She may calm down herself and apologise.
I wouldn't knock the friendship on the head over it. I suppose it depends on what happens next. I think it is up to your friend to apologise to you and your dd.

I am not surprised about your dd's embarrassment though. Poor dd.

Itsfab · 08/05/2014 20:23

I think it is people on here that need to grow up, not the OP.

YANBU. I hope your dd is okay. What your "friend" did was stupid and I am sure your daughter is not in a hurry to see her again. If she can't apologise to you and your daughter then she is no loss. SHE will be the one throwing away a 20 year friendship.

A 12 year old should not be made to feel she is just eye candy for the boys.

shakinstevenslovechild · 08/05/2014 20:26

I would let the friendship go. Not for her original comments, which were completely out of order, but we all say stupid things now and then, but for her behaviour afterwards. If I upset a child I would be straight in there with an apology and an explanation and I would feel like shit, not excusing and deflecting my behaviour.

RedRoom · 08/05/2014 20:27

She's an idiot. You don't comment on a young girl's growing breasts. How intrusive! Shock

Bean89 · 08/05/2014 20:29

I can kind of see both sides. I remember when I was a very young teen and my godmother commented on how I was getting boobs- I was actually quite pleased, but that's probably more to do with the fact I was desperate for them! I can see why your DD would be so sensitive when it is something she is already so self conscious about.
Your friend is probably mortified she upset your DD so much, realised what she said was inappropriate and is deflecting. It's pretty embarrassing making a faux pas about such a sensitive issue, I don't think you should throw away the friendship but sit down and discuss it properly with her. Texts can be taken in so many ways and it may be that speaking in person you come to more of an understanding.
I hope your DD is feeling better soon, such a difficult time.

kungfupannda · 08/05/2014 20:31

I was an awkward, naive young teen, and I can just imagine the horrible tight feeling I'd have got in my chest if that had happened to me. My gran, who raised me, would have gone ballistic at anyone who said something like that, as well.

Your friend was hugely inappropriate. A 12 year-old is a child. What adult in their right mind would want a child thinking about their developing body in the context of people being sexually interested in it?

Original poster
OhFFSWhatsWrongNow · 08/05/2014 20:32

Thanks everyone. I don't know about ending the friendship yet tbh, but my dd was so upset and friend couldn't even be annoyed to say sorry is what really gets me. Oh and thanks for the suggestion but I don't need to "grow up" but thank you for being so helpful Hmm

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 08/05/2014 20:34

You're not over reacting at all.

I'd be pissed off with a friend for doing that, but would have no problem forgiving the mistake if they realised they had done something wrong.

Your friends reaction after the event is what would make me not want to go near her any time soon, she should be apologising and trying to make amends, even if she dies think your dd is being over sensitive. 12 year olds going through puberty are allowed to be over sensitive!

Corygal · 08/05/2014 20:35

DD overreacted but who wouldn't? It's an awful thing to say, let alone do.

Your friend is crass - if you want to keep in with her, accept that.

Clint88 · 08/05/2014 20:37

Your mate is a twat, she was cringey and insensitive which isn't a crime but the 'unwelcome' thing, the flounce and the blaming your daughter for being upset is all grim.

PrincessBabyCat · 08/05/2014 20:43

My mom's friend did something similar to me when I was 11 or 12. I was in the room when she shouted "Ooh!! You're budding!" Then gave my chest a quick squeeze! Confused Me and my mom were both too shocked to say anything. I'm sure mom had a talk with her, because that was the last time she ever made a comment about my body.

Yes. I was mortified. It didn't cause any long term damage though. Your daughter will be fine once she gets past this awkward stage.

Your friend needs to grow up. What's funny to you isn't funny to a 12 year old. In fact, I'd say the early teen years all smart ass remarks should be taken off the table considering how hormonal and sensitive they are.

Itsfab · 08/05/2014 20:43

Corygal - surely you are contradicting yourself there. You are saying most people would react as the OP's DD did therefore not over reacting.

Bowlersarm · 08/05/2014 20:47

It seems such an over reaction. From all. It's up to you op. if you value your friendship, you need to talk to your friend. If you don't, then leave it.

patothechiefexec · 08/05/2014 20:53

Ugh! My Mum used to say I was starting to 'shape up'. I bloody hated it and I still cringe when I think about it now.

I think I would take a step back from this friendship personally. Some people do not realise the effect their words and actions have on others. She is pretty thick skinned to not understand why your daughter was upset. Maybe next time you should slap her arse and point out her rhino hide? Grin

QueenofallIsee · 08/05/2014 20:55

I would have been horrified at age 12 and I would be horrified if an adult said that to my daughter. Your friend is an absolute dickhead

Blondiebrownie · 08/05/2014 21:00

I think that because your friend wasn't aware of your DD's insecurities and she meant no harm YABU to 'bin' the friendship you have with her.

However; your friend really needs to learn boundaries, I would have hated for this to happen to me when I was your DD's age and she should apologise for that.

QuintsKazooo · 08/05/2014 21:01

She was being a tit.

MrsDeVere · 08/05/2014 21:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Mintyy · 08/05/2014 21:09

How can you say that a 12 year old being self conscious about her developing body has "insecurities"? She is just a normal child, her Mum's grown up friend who really should know better and be able to behave and converse appropriately around a young girl.

miramar · 08/05/2014 21:15

"all the boys will be after you"
That is wrong on so many levels.

Whether you remain friends or not, at least you now know to keep her away from your family. Before she offers career advice such as whether your daughter's body is right for page 3, pole dancing etc.

MandarinCheesecake · 08/05/2014 21:44

Yes she probably opened her mouth without thinking,we have all done it,
but isn't it usual when you have unintentionally upset or offended someone to apologise profusely as that was not your intention?

To leave and deflect and then blame onto your dd is not on. she is 12 years old, still a child with a ton hormones running through her body. Of course she's going to be sensitive. Things are such a big deal at that age.

I'm not sure that I would end the friendship though. Maybe give it time to calm down and give her a chance to apologise. If she doesn't then I would call time.

FindoGask · 08/05/2014 21:50

I can see both sides too. what she did would be way inappropriate in our house. I'd hate that, and I'd hate someone doing it to me at any age. But maybe your friend was being defensive when you pointed it out - or maybe she wasn't, but just has different boundaries or whatever; either way, you should give her a chance I think.

Thenapoleonofcrime · 08/05/2014 21:58

That's the type of thing my uncle used to say 'ooh, the boys will be after now with those eyes/hair' etc or the classic 'are you courtin'? is she courtin'?' He really didn't mean it how it sounds- saying things like 'he'll get the girls when he's older' and commenting on looks changing (even quite personally) is common for some people.

That said, it is mortifying, and you are right to be annoyed at her. Drawing attention to a child's changing body is not on. If she says sorry eventually, I'd forgive her though.

Pagwatch · 08/05/2014 22:13

It is one step short of 'any day now the boys will be lining up to slip you one'
I'm genuinely shocked that some people think that a variation of 'ooh look, tits and buttocks - the boys will want some soon' said to a 12 year old is fine