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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think this friend was out of order and to just let her go?

90 replies

OhFFSWhatsWrongNow · 08/05/2014 19:44

My DD is 12 and is becoming very self conscious about her body. We have had the period talk(though she hasn't started yet) and changes to the body talk. During which she confessed to me that some boys in her class had teased her and her friends a number of times and made silly immature jokes about their breasts. Apparently it was quite bad some of the girls and my dd had cried over it.I asked her why she didn't tell me before and age said she didn't want to make a fuss of it.

This was about a month ago , I have spoken to the school about it and it's been resolved thankfully. Dd still feels quite insecure though and we are trying to work through this.

Anyway a few days ago a friend of mine had come round to see me. We were sitting in the kitchen talking when dd came in to get a drink. Friend started to say how much dd had grown, how tall she was etc. All quite normal. Then for some inane reason came out with the line "look, she's even starting to get little boobies and a nice little bum aswell! The boys will all be after you!" She then proceeded to tap her on the bum to justify her point

Immediately I felt my heart stop. Dd turned bright red and ran up to her room crying. My friend couldn't understand what the problem was. I told her I would tell her after I went up to see if dd was ok. Dd was very upset and said she felt so embarrassed. After I calmed her down I went down to explain to my friend why she was so upset, but she was nowhere to be found! 10 mins later I got a text from her to say that she didn't feel welcome in my home and thought it better she left because of dd's behaviour!

I'm afraid to say I layed into her and told her it was an inappropriate thing to say and do to anyone let alone a 12yo and that she shouldn't be tapping children's bottoms. She replied with she was just being friendly and a girl of dd's age shouldn't be crying at things like that!

Aibu to just dump this friend? I mean really who the hell goes around and says things like that?? or am I in fact over reacting? This friend and I have known each other for 20 years so we are close but still

OP posts:

Rabbitcar · 08/05/2014 22:25

YADNBU. Your friend was insensitive, and very petulant in the way she flounced off. If she had been contrite, you could have talked to her, but it sounds like she made the situation all about her. Stupid and selfish. Hope your DD is ok.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 08/05/2014 22:27

What a horrible thing to say. It's depressing enough your poor DD will be facing such comments from boys her age. For a grown woman, a trusted family friend, to say that in her own home, is just nasty.

OP I think you have to model to your daughter that what your friend said is unacceptable - a cooling of the friendship at the least. Your DD comes first, regardless of length of friendship.

wiltingfast · 08/05/2014 22:40

Well it was an awfully weird situation for your friend. In fairness, she's trying to be friendly and no doubt positive about your daughter and the two of you disappear off and are all upset? Most people would be going wtaf?

I think understandably given your dd's particular sensitivity you are overreacting, but you are definitely overreacting imo. I certainly wouldn't throw away a 20 y friendship over it. If I was in your shoes I probably would have been quite apologetic to the friend tbh. Said something about dd being v self conscious at mo, that she'd touched a nerve unfortunately and being so sorry for the overreaction... Then maybe said I better go after her?

You don't think maybe you risk feeding into her sensitivity a bit by buying into it so heavily? These things are obviously impossible to really judge on a forum, just a thought to consider...

rowna · 08/05/2014 23:05

I think if you don't have a dc that age you forget how sensitive they are. She probably thought she was being complimentary. I don't have teenagers myself but friends do and I find them very hard to fathom. I haven't grabbed anybody's bum but I sometimes feel I may have upset them. You kind of think they're like an adult by the way they're talking to their parents but then there are all sorts of unwritten rules you weren't aware of.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 08/05/2014 23:10

FFS. It's not "oversensitive" to object to an adult commenting on a 12 year old's breasts and bum - and then touching them without permission.

Ewieindwie1 · 08/05/2014 23:17

I think this is a horrible situation and I sympathise very much with your immediate need to comfort your DD.

Take your time. A few days. Time will give you a clearer idea of what to do. Twenty years of friendship is a lot to cast aside and if you decide to take that step you will want to know that you've thought about it calmly and rationally.

Your daughter knows you care - that's what matters.

BreatheandFlyAway · 08/05/2014 23:29

I think if you don't have a dc that age you forget how sensitive they are. You kind of think they're like an adult by the way they're talking to their parents but then there are all sorts of unwritten rules you weren't aware of. Unwritten rules?! Come on, hardly that - it would be a completely weird and inappropriate thing to say to an adult, too! I can't imagine myself or anyone I know commenting on their friends' nice little bum and boobs and saying the blokes will be after them, so why should kids be expected to take such an intrusion as a jolly jape??

Similar was said to me when I was a child and I felt like I'd been coated in slime. There are boundaries between children and adults that need to be respected.

FreckledLeopard · 08/05/2014 23:30

Perhaps she simply misjudged your daughter and her reaction. At that age I was desperate to be thought of as grown up and sexy, so would have welcomed the comments (though not perhaps the bum grabbing). I wanted to be seen as adult and attractive and I was thrilled when I started my period etc and got more developed.

I wouldn't throw a 20 year friendship away over this. Does your friend have any children of her own?

Aeroflotgirl · 08/05/2014 23:31

Yanbu yes she got it a bit wrong, we all put our foot in it some time or another, but she should have been adult enough to stay and apologise to your dd, not be a coward and go off without saying a thing. I would expect better from a long standing friend. Leave it and see how it goes.

BreatheandFlyAway · 08/05/2014 23:31

Re the friend who did this - could be forgiven if she'd been horrified at causing upset and tried to apologise and make amends. Instead she ran away and victim blamed. Not someone I'd bother with further!

GatoradeMeBitch · 09/05/2014 00:23

Victim blaming is what came to mind for me too. I know it's not an extreme situation, but I would think carefully about staying friendly with someone with those attitudes. She sounds like my Mum back in the 80s actually. I came home from school once with a note letting her know that a boy in my class hit me in the stomach and pulled my hair. Mum's reaction? Coy smile and 'Aww, he likes you!' Really not helpful (or accurate!)

If your friend is evolved enough to think it through, realize she was out of line and apologize then she's alright. Does she have a daughter too? Maybe she doesn't realize the kind of pressures girls are under these days.

bragmatic · 09/05/2014 01:13

I think everyone overreacted. Your daughter, because she was feeling sensitive due to boys' comments and possibly hormonal. You, because you hate seeing your daughter so upset. Your friend because she had no idea of the backstory and possibly because she felt she could be so familiar with a child she'd known since birth and she was shocked by the reaction and is embarrassed.

Victim blaming? Yeah, no.

Bogeyface · 09/05/2014 01:55

Your friend because she had no idea of the backstory

She did. "The thing is, she [friend] knows about the boys teasing her [DD] and how upset she [DD] is about it." posted by the OP

CantUnderstandNewtonsTheory · 09/05/2014 07:07

Urgh I cringed reading that, your poor dd! Your "friend" was completely inappropriate and needs to apologise imo, wtaf did she think she was doing?!

kentishgirl · 09/05/2014 07:14

I can't believe she said that and then got in a huff about the reaction it got.

Assuming she is really a nice person on the whole, and has been a good friend, I wouldn't write her off completely for it, but I'd expect an apology to your DD.

If you had a DS going through puberty would she have eyed up his changing groin and said 'ooh look, your penis is growing, and you've got a lovely pert bum. All the girls will be after you' then patted his bottom? I doubt it. Perhaps you could tell her this, and she might understand why what she said was very offensive.

oohdaddypig · 09/05/2014 07:15

Your friend's comment was utterly inappropriate. (Is the sole aim of growing up to have boys interested in us? How ghastly)

I would have been mortified to have upset your DD that way and would have stayed around long enough to apologise profusely and talk it through.

I think the fact your friend dashed off means she realised she cocked up and was highly embarrassed. Does she have kids herself?

I would leave this a few days and let it settle. Your friend sounds a bit OTT but if the friendship is otherwise good, I wouldn't bin it.

Hope your DD is ok.

Ardiente · 09/05/2014 07:18

Bin her because:
A) she is unaware and insensitive to a young teen potential insecurities
B) failure to apologise when you kindly explained what was so upsetting
C) attempt to blame you by pretending she didn't feel welcome. WTF???

Bunbaker · 09/05/2014 07:56

"I think if you don't have a dc that age you forget how sensitive they are."

Exactly this ^^

DD is 13, she would have been absolutely mortified if anyone had said that.

That said, I don't think your friend realised how insensitive and thoughtless she was being. And unless you explain what it means to your daughter she is going to go around thinking that you have both over reacted.

I think you need to clear the air with her.

JessieMcJessie · 09/05/2014 08:39

Simply using the word "boobies" is a dumping offence in itself.

MandarinCheesecake · 09/05/2014 08:41

No I don't think most people would be going "WTAF?"
Anyone with a shred of empathy and understanding would realise that they had caused upset and been adult enough to stay , wait for an explanation and apologise profusely to those concerned.

I know that I for one would be mortified if i'd upset a 12 year old child in this way and wouldn't be able to apologise enough!

ZenGardener · 09/05/2014 08:48

I think I would leave the ball in your friend's court.

If your 20 years of friendship means anything to her then she should apologise. In that case I would accept and move on but if she doesn't apologise then she is the one throwing the friendship away, I think.

Callani · 09/05/2014 08:56

I'm shocked that this friend thought that was an appropriate thing to say! Never mind tapping her bum - makes me feel all kinds of queasy to think of someone saying / doing this to me...

I had some slightly obtuse relatives say "Oh you'll be getting your boobs soon" (actually never really did by their standards!) but to link it to "all the boys will be after you" especially knowing the situation is just really unsympathetic.

If she gets over herself and apologises for upsetting your daughter (and her weird flouncing out afterwards) then I'd say give her another chance, but I wouldn't bother making the first move.

Abra1d · 09/05/2014 08:58

I think your friend is feeling embarrased and doesn't know how to say sorry. But it is a shame for an old friendship to be broken up over one episode.

WandaDoff · 09/05/2014 09:16

I don't think I'd bin her immediately.
I would at least talk about the issue with her after a 20yr friendship.

It was insensitive & stupid, but I don't think there was any malice intended. It sounds like the cringy stuff that my parents friends used to say to me at that age. She probably thought she was being supportive.

sonjadog · 09/05/2014 09:36

If I were you, I'd just leave it for a while. Everyone sounds like they have gotten worked up and it is rarely best to make big decisions when you are feeling very emotional about something. Let it go for a while and then see if you want to bin the friendship or not.

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