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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to call dh selfish over scan issue

81 replies

Vijac · 07/05/2014 22:39

We had our 12 week scan and went to book in our 20 week one. Dh said 'oh I just thought it would be really special for my mother to see a scan esp as this will be our last one. I said, no you're only allowed 1 person. He said oh well we can always ask and maybe swap over. I said, do you not want to see the whole scan, I would be uncomfortable with that etc. Then later we were in the car speaking to mil about other things and dh said 'this is our scan, maybe you can move various dates around so that you'll make it'. I said think it will be difficult to move dates, one person allowed etc but trying to be tactful. Then tonight mil over and in front of her dh says so I really hope you can make the scan etc. Anyway went into various other conversations (eg. what about my mum) but ended up blowing up, making me feel very uncomfortable in front of mil. Told him he doesn't put me first and is selfish. Which he thought was totally unreasonable. Who is bu? Ps. Thanks if you got this far!

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 07/05/2014 22:40

He is.

It's a medical test, not a social occasion.

Mrsjayy · 07/05/2014 22:42

tell him to piss off and you will go on your own and they can all see the dvd what an insensitive man YANBU he is being a prick

2rebecca · 07/05/2014 22:42

He doesn't get the fact that a scan is someone sticking a probe all over your abdomen and that it is quite intimate and not the sort of thing you want onlookers for. If it was his abdomen he could ask to have his mother but he's being very selfish and thoughtless to turn the examination of the contents of your uterus into a spectator sport for his family.

MsHighwater · 07/05/2014 22:42

Scan is a medical thing for your benefit and the baby's. Surely it's up to you who joins you (with presumption in favour of the other parent). No extras.

MrsTerryPratchett · 07/05/2014 22:43

HIBU. No question. You will be pissing off the HCP as well. It's not a bloody side-show. It's actually a medical test. Would she like to be there for a smear too?

Haggisfish3 · 07/05/2014 22:43

I have some sympAthy with you both. There were no scans when my mum was pregnant and I really wanted to take her to one just so she could share in the magic if it all. Do you generally get on ok with mil? Is this your first?

Catsize · 07/05/2014 22:43

How would you all feel if an anomaly was detected and it was mil in with you at the time? Don't want to be a doom and gloom merchant, but pottering is right.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 07/05/2014 22:44

WTAF? It's an Anomaly Scan not a garden party.

Tell him to go shove something up his arse and invite his DM to the colonoscopy.

Beavie · 07/05/2014 22:44

Yanbu. If he's that bothered tell him he can fork out for a 3d scan and she can come along to that, the place I has mine done was a massive room and they were fine with my ex dp and my dd being there.

cerealqueen · 07/05/2014 22:44

Agree with what Pottering said. How bizarre. There are pictures if she needs to see them.

YANBU.

Haggisfish3 · 07/05/2014 22:44

Although thinking about it, maybe you could arrange another private scan that you could either invite her to or show her the DVD of?

Gurnie · 07/05/2014 22:45

Yanbu. If he really wanted to do this at the very least he ought to have talked it through with you to see how you felt.

nocheeseinhouse · 07/05/2014 22:45

He is. It's an anomaly scan, looking to see if there are any abnormalities with your baby. It's not a social photography session.

If he wants that for his mum, and you're willing, a private scan where you're all relaxed makes more sense.

deakymom · 07/05/2014 22:45

he is if she wants to see the scan tell her to book a 4D one for you that one is a public viewing

personally im surprised they let my son in on some of my scans he was only four i asked when i went in he sat in one end of the room then when everything was deemed okay they let him have a look and spent awhile telling him all about it i was immensely uncomfortable (bad back) but he really enjoyed the experience

i really had to apologise as it clearly states no children allowed but i had no choice i have no childcare

Wantsunshine · 07/05/2014 22:46

Ask if he is ok if your mum joins his doctors appointment for perhaps a testicular cancer check. You are still a person. Your MIL will need to wait until the baby is born..... Good luck with that and hope she isn't in the delivery room!

EverythingCounts · 07/05/2014 22:46

If you had discussed it and agreed beforehand then ok, but it is not on at all for him to keep pushing the idea when you are clearly not keen. Is there a history of him being desperate to please his mother? What is she like?

Famzilla · 07/05/2014 22:47

How about having the 20 week scan and then arranging another private one or something the next day? At MIL's expense of course, if she wants it so badly.

No way would I be having anyone watching a personal medical procedure apart from DH, YANBU.

Topseyt · 07/05/2014 22:47

He is being an arse. It is a hospital procedure, not cinema show to entertain his mother.

Your body, your scan really. Not his. He can bog off.

BrunoBrookesDinedAlone · 07/05/2014 22:47

It is not a fun day out.

It is a medical procedure that YOU will be having. So firstly, YOU get to decide who is there!

Secondly, the 20 week scan is about checking for abnormalities. There's a REASON that only one person is allowed in, and it's usually the other parent. Hopefully you won't have to deal with any unexpected bad news. But if you did, you'd want him there. It's his JOB to be there.

And finally, no way would any partner of mine merrily be giving their mother or anyone else permission to be at one of my medical examinations. Not unless they wanted to sleep in the car for the next few years.

It's a NO.

edamsavestheday · 07/05/2014 22:48

Does he not get that these are diagnostic medical procedures?

mameulah · 07/05/2014 22:48

We have had the saddest of circumstances whereby during our scan we found out our baby was gone. I can think of nothing more awful than having had someone else, other than my DH, there with me. Whether they were in the room or not you would then need to be considering their feelings and organising how they were getting home etc when you were there.

Your MIL should absolutely know that her DS is being UR and back off.

On the other hand could you perhaps compromise by paying for a private scan that allows you to have a DVD of the baby, then she could watch it at home after? When you had all your clothes on and the woman was no longer poking the probe round about your belly and bits

DocDaneeka · 07/05/2014 22:49

Gosh.

What if they find a problem? Will you want mil there if they find something untoward?

It's a bloody medical procedure not, as someone said a garden party.

JonesRipley · 07/05/2014 22:49

He hasn't thought it through. Calmly tell him again. I don't think he's being selfish, necessarily, but YANBU

ScrambledSmegs · 07/05/2014 22:49

It's an Anomaly scan, not an Invite the family in to watch and scoff Pringles scan.

HIB Well U.

Rosieliveson · 07/05/2014 22:50

Another vote for HIBU.
Yes it would be nice for people to be there for the scan. Mums, dads sisters, whoever. The fact is, as pp said, it's not a jolly. It's a medical appointment that should be private for you and DH. There can be some uncomfortable questions/issues.
Tell DH it is an intimate moment that you don't want to share with anyone but him. You can say that to MIL too. She may be disappointed but she's a big girl and will get over it!

Congratulations on your baby, hope the scan goes well

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