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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to call dh selfish over scan issue

81 replies

Vijac · 07/05/2014 22:39

We had our 12 week scan and went to book in our 20 week one. Dh said 'oh I just thought it would be really special for my mother to see a scan esp as this will be our last one. I said, no you're only allowed 1 person. He said oh well we can always ask and maybe swap over. I said, do you not want to see the whole scan, I would be uncomfortable with that etc. Then later we were in the car speaking to mil about other things and dh said 'this is our scan, maybe you can move various dates around so that you'll make it'. I said think it will be difficult to move dates, one person allowed etc but trying to be tactful. Then tonight mil over and in front of her dh says so I really hope you can make the scan etc. Anyway went into various other conversations (eg. what about my mum) but ended up blowing up, making me feel very uncomfortable in front of mil. Told him he doesn't put me first and is selfish. Which he thought was totally unreasonable. Who is bu? Ps. Thanks if you got this far!

OP posts:

pigsDOfly · 07/05/2014 23:31

Dear god, it's not enough that he wants his mother in the room but now he's gone completely overboard and wants your parent and his dad there as well.

And as far as agreeing to a private scan so they can all be there. Would you really be happy to lie on the examination table with your entire abdomen exposed the view of his father OP? Sod that.

It's not so much that your Dh is being unreasonable, it's more that he's being unhinged.

My daughter is pregnant and had her final scan several weeks ago. It was lovely to see the photos but it wouldn't have occurred to me to want to be at any of the scans. As others have said it's a medical procedure, not a bloody sideshow.

Nunyabiz · 07/05/2014 23:35

If you get a 3D scan you can get a DVD- then even the bloody post man can see the scan! Job done.

Original poster

Vijac · 07/05/2014 23:36

Thanks for cheering me up everyone. I think I may suggest he gets in Pringles and pick a mix for everyone as suggested up thread.

OP posts:

Writerwannabe83 · 07/05/2014 23:41

My MIL came with me and DH when we had a sexing scan at 16 weeks but there's no way I would have wanted her there at the 20 week scan. In general it is an appointment that makes women quite nervous, not something to be enjoyed as a family event. It can potentially pick up serious problems and to have MIL there would be very intrusive in my eyes. Your husband is definitely being unreasonable. Tell him that if MIL is so desperate to be present at a scan then she can pay to have one done privately once you've had the 'All Clear' from your Anomaly Scan.

Stand your ground OP - it's a medical procedure that's very personal to you. Your husband is being very insensitive.

Pimpf · 08/05/2014 08:00

I'd take your dh to fuck off. Se is welcome to see the baby once it's arrived.

If you were happy to have her there, that's your choice, but you're not and there is nothing wrong or unusual with that.

What's next, he wants her at the birth?

Next time he raises it, cause a row and tell him no in front of everyone, after all, you can always blame pregnancy hormones after!

gotnotimeforthat · 08/05/2014 08:20

My MIL attended my 24 week scan with me. It was my first scan since 5 weeks too. She asked if she could come with me and wanted to drive the 400 mile round trip. My partner couldn't get the morning off work on such short notice anyway so it was ideal. It was lovely to see how much my joy my s

Whocansay · 08/05/2014 08:26

I'd be taking my mum instead. If something does turn out to be wrong (unlikely, but does happen), he doesn't sound as if he'd be very supportive.

He probably won't have any free hands anyway, what with being laden with all that popcorn

He sounds as if he has a lot of growing up to do.

AmberLeaf · 08/05/2014 08:27

What has MIL said? Does she want to come?

Your DH should listen to you.

We took my step Mum to my 20 week scan and it was nice, but its a personal choice and you shouldn't be railroaded into it.

DeWee · 08/05/2014 08:34

Having been at a scan where there was a problem, I would highly recommend she doesn't come anywhere near.
From a "nice little early peek at the baby" which is what he is thinking. We went from a short scan, to a day sitting in and out of the emergency (where they put people with issues with the baby) waiting to be seen by variour consultants, paediatricians etc. Other than the stress of having her there if that happens, I am certain that the people dealing with us would have not been impressed, and would probably have asked her to leave.
That was a relatively minor problem too.

I doubt at any rate any of the staff will be keen on his idea of swapping either. it's not a peep show!
Tell him you'll get her a photo.

IkeaFurnitureAssemblyChampions · 08/05/2014 08:34

I also had an internal scan at 20 weeks with DC1. Plus had to get up and walk around for a bit, and drink cold water, as he wasn't being cooperative.

But what you really need to remind your DH of is that the scan is to ensure that everything's OK with the baby! I'm sure it will be. It usually is. But I know a couple who had devastating news at that scan, and plenty who had worrying news (which turned out to be all right in the end thank heavens). Anyone who is there is there to support you in the event that things are not OK.

I guess my MIL would have loved to have come to my scans but the subject never came up. She did ask me to let her know how it went asap. Not to find out the baby's sex (though this is always fun to know if you find out at that stage) but to know that the baby looked healthy, because it's not a foregone conclusion. This is what your DH needs to get through his head.

(And I'm sorry to go on about that, i know you already know it, but DH needs to understand it too. Here's to a healthy baby.)

IkeaFurnitureAssemblyChampions · 08/05/2014 08:36

Agreed that the staff wouldn't be keen on them swapping either. They are trying to concentrate on counting the chambers of the heart etc etc!

Revengeofthechocolatebunny · 08/05/2014 08:39

Having had a scan where I was given the worst news I definitely would not want an audience of anyone other than my OH. It's not a spectator sport, it's a medical procedure.

If you choose to have a scan photo let the ILs see that if they are interested. Otherwise they can wait!

pianodoodle · 08/05/2014 08:42

Tell him to go shove something up his arse and invite his DM to the colonoscopy.

This!

Also if my son told me he was inviting me to his partner's scan I'd tell him not to be ridiculous unless she had personally requested it...

Joysmum · 08/05/2014 08:44

As I said up thread, it's up to you to explain your feelings. Nobody was look at me when the scan was happening, it was all eyes on the monitor. It really was an amazing experience for us all as a family.

If you, or any other parent don't want it fine then that up to you but it certainly wasn't a physical invasion of privacy, just a question of how close you are as a family. Having done this myself I can totally understand your husbands views and they are to be respected. What I couldn't respect even though I agree with him is if he doesn't back you up in your decision, unforgivable.

Incidentally we were told of a potential issue due to size difference of her kidneys and told that this would require her to be scanned when born and checked until 1 year old. All the parents were fab and it didn't seem so bad because we had immediate support and discussion.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 08/05/2014 08:50

Honestly. Don't get into the debate with him. You jut need to say "no"
It's not appropriate.
Speak in a way that makes it clear it's a ridiculous request.
Or should you book him in for a prostate exam and invite your mum?

expatinscotland · 08/05/2014 08:53

No more tact. He doesn't get it. NO, she isn't coming. It's a medical procedure.

Birdsgottafly · 08/05/2014 08:55

This depends on how close you are.

As it hasn't happened with the other pregnancies, then it doesn't need to with this, purely because your MIL wants to see the scan.

It might make your other children pissed off, once they are all adults, my eldest DD can have bouts of jealousy over my youngest being favourite GC, but we equally joke about it.

I went to my Niece's scan, I have been to my DD's first one and will the next ones.

We are a close family and if there were abnormalities picked up, once my DD makes her decision, we will all play an active role in supporting that decision and her subsequent life.

My female relatives have wanted the support at their appointments, that is what decides who goes.

The same with the birth and afterwards.

Shenanagins · 08/05/2014 08:55

joysmum i disagree with your statement that his views are to be respected. This is a medical procedure where the op is the patient and in that only her views are to be respected.

Op, do what feels right for you and don't be pushed into anything you feel uncomfortable with.

iamusuallybeingunreasonable · 08/05/2014 08:56

Yanbu, what if they have to do a vaginal scan because of positioning, Eurgh, you don't need your MIL there for gads sake OBEM has a lot to answer for

JohnFarleysRuskin · 08/05/2014 09:05

He is crazy! I've never heard anything like it.

Does he insist his mum goes to your dental checkups and the opticians too?

elliejjtiny · 08/05/2014 09:10

My 20 week scan with DS4 picked up his cleft lip. I love my MIL but wouldn't have wanted her there at all. In fact when I had my 20 week scan with DS5 we didn't tell anyone the date because all the phonecalls asking how the 20 week scan went was too much with DS4. Is he planning on having the snip afterwards? Maybe your mum would like to watch that?

cosysocks · 08/05/2014 09:18

It's your medical procedure, surely it's your decision who attends. I think I would be telling DH if he doesn't quit being stupid then he wouldn't be coming in either!

WhereYouLeftIt · 08/05/2014 09:24

"He claims that he's is just trying to sort a date while everyone is there otherwise it would take forever."
But he's trying to 'sort a date' for something that has not been agreed. And he doesn't seem to see as something that you have to agree to.

whatever5 · 08/05/2014 09:27

Your DH is being a total twit. I'm not sure that you DH understands the purpose of the scans. He seems to think that they are some form of entertainment, paid for by the NHS.

Melonbreath · 08/05/2014 09:29

Yanbu.
If he wants a scan gathering book a private one after you're baby has been given the all clear.
My friend had a 20 week scan where they found fluid around the baby's lungs which could have meant all kinds of problems. Luckily the baby came out fine but i wouldn't have wanted anyone else to have witnessed that.

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