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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to call dh selfish over scan issue

81 replies

Vijac · 07/05/2014 22:39

We had our 12 week scan and went to book in our 20 week one. Dh said 'oh I just thought it would be really special for my mother to see a scan esp as this will be our last one. I said, no you're only allowed 1 person. He said oh well we can always ask and maybe swap over. I said, do you not want to see the whole scan, I would be uncomfortable with that etc. Then later we were in the car speaking to mil about other things and dh said 'this is our scan, maybe you can move various dates around so that you'll make it'. I said think it will be difficult to move dates, one person allowed etc but trying to be tactful. Then tonight mil over and in front of her dh says so I really hope you can make the scan etc. Anyway went into various other conversations (eg. what about my mum) but ended up blowing up, making me feel very uncomfortable in front of mil. Told him he doesn't put me first and is selfish. Which he thought was totally unreasonable. Who is bu? Ps. Thanks if you got this far!

OP posts:

WooWooOwl · 07/05/2014 22:51

It's sweet that he wants to involve his Mum in this exciting time for your family, but he's stepping way over the line!

They are scanning you, it's your appointment and your choice who goes in.

Suggest he buys you a private scan with a video that you can take round to MILs afterwards.

AveryJessup · 07/05/2014 22:51

Just arrange a private scan that your MIL can come to, and your own mother too if you want. The whole point of the 20 week scan is to check for medical problems. If any problem was found (only a tiny chance and I'm sure you'll be fine but just sayin'...) then how awkward would that be with your MIL in the room? It's not entertainment. It's a medical appointment so it's your prerogative who attends.

Joysmum · 07/05/2014 22:51

We paid for a private scan as I wanted to know the sex if the baby. Our parents came and it was utterly brilliant

I guess what I'm asking is if you could have a number of people there, would you want anyone else present?

ThingsThatShine · 07/05/2014 22:52

YANBU. Your h is being silly.

LayMeDown · 07/05/2014 22:52

You see you mistake was trying to be tactful and pussyfooting around the first couple of times he mentioned it. What you should have said the first time was 'no fucking way'. Subject closed.

Wantsunshine · 07/05/2014 22:52

What does your Mil think? She maybe horrified at the thought and not want to be there. Just speak to her straight out. It should be ok at you being forward as if she is insisting on being there then you are going to be the one half naked with your bits out and she and your DH don't she an issue so don't hold back in your thinking!

FloraPost · 07/05/2014 22:52

DS1 wouldn't sit the right way for the camera at 20 weeks so they did an internal ultrasound. Just saying...

JonesRipley · 07/05/2014 22:52

I think my mum would have loved to see a scan - they didn't exist when she was pg. But YAstillNBU

Original poster

Vijac · 07/05/2014 22:54

Oh it's good to know it's not just me. Mil is nice, get along and she backed me up. I actually then suggested a private scan. At which he agreed and started booking in dates and then saying yes if we go for that one then both my mum and dad can come (and yours too). Which annoyed me even more because then I had to say in front of mil, actually I'm not totally sure if feel comfortable with your dad being there too. I'm sure I would be actually be ok with it as I'm not that precious about my body (though not ideal) but just didn't like being railroaded in front of his family with no consultation or consideration. He claims that he's is just trying to sort a date while everyone is there otherwise it would take forever.

OP posts:

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/05/2014 22:57

As others have said, its not a baby shower. Its a diagnostic procedure. I would first try the direct explanation approach amd if that dodnt work i would Reschedule the scan and don't tell him.
He is bu. And really a bit stupid.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/05/2014 22:59

Oh FFS. He's annoying me now.
Do you want my dh there too?

PrincessBabyCat · 07/05/2014 22:59

He wants his mom there during a scan? If anyone's mom should be there it's yours.

Can't your hcp just print some photos from the scan and you can put the on fb for everyone? That's what we did.

Topseyt · 07/05/2014 23:01

Sounds like he is trying to take over too much. Even if you do go for the private scan, if you are uncomfortable with taking centre-stage for the family's entertainment then you should not be rail-roaded into doing it.

Wantsunshine · 07/05/2014 23:01

Private scan is a good idea. But really, your dad and FIL. Would they be really interested and not just totally uncomfortable. Does your DH just not consider your feelings. They may want to see the DVD but being there?? Just why?!

sallysparrow157 · 07/05/2014 23:03

The 20 week scan (even more than the first scan) is a medical procedure looking for things that may be wrong with the baby. No one wants to even imagine that they will find something wrong and for most people is is a chance to see your baby looking identifiably like a baby for the first time and it is a lovely experience. However, very occasionally people are told their baby has something wrong, this may be something minor or it may be that the baby will not survive or will need major surgery in the first days of life. If your husband wants to step out half way through the scan to let his mother in, will he be happy once they've seen the heart is ok and sit outside whilst you find out about the kidneys and the bowel? Would he want his mother to know before him that there was a problem? Obviously the likelihood is that the baby will be perfect but the whole reason for the scan is that this is a good time to identify serious problems.

As others have said, if your in laws or your parents or anyone else really really want to see a scan, get a private one after the 20 week one so you can all enjoy it, a diagnostic scan isn't an appropriate family day out (especially, as others have said, in the unlikely event that you need an internal scan! There are bits of you your mum in law doesn't need to be seeing!)

2rebecca · 07/05/2014 23:03

All babies look much the same at scans though. I was anxious at mine from the wanting to check everything was alright point of view and glad my husband was there. I'm not sure I'd have wanted to go through it again with an audience, even once i knew everything was OK. I'm quite a private person. I'd also rather save the money and spend it on something useful for the child. You have a lifetime of a real 3D child in front of view. Why can't people just wait a few more months?
I can't see me being desperate to attend the scans of my kids if they have children. Different if they want me there for support as their partner can't make it but i don't see it as a fun day out and would rather they saved their money.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 07/05/2014 23:04

mameulah

PrincessBabyCat · 07/05/2014 23:04

Honestly, I'd just tell him it's you and him. Or it's just you. Those are his options. Pick one.

Don't let him walk all over you or you'll be making a new thread in a few months about how MIL is taking your baby out of your arms and encroaching on your BF time. Nip it in the bud now.

TheRealAmandaClarke · 07/05/2014 23:09

nameulah so sorry.

2rebecca · 07/05/2014 23:10

As you say it's your last baby not your first I'm surprised he's still that much of a mummy's boy. Why is he so desperate to please her rather than you?
He's sounding about 17, although I suspect my 17 year old wouldn't invite me to his girlfriend's medical procedures and would think it was weird.

thenightsky · 07/05/2014 23:13

Does he actually listen to you?

He sounds very annoying.

Original poster

Vijac · 07/05/2014 23:13

I have to say this is my second and it did remind me of how he thought it would be really nice for everyone to meet the baby in hospital and shortly after and got busy texting everyone without really consulting me. I didn't really mind, it was nice in a way but that wasn't really the point. In these situations I just feel like he is choosing what he wants rather than considering my feelings too and sometimes putting my feelings first.

OP posts:

Topseyt · 07/05/2014 23:21

Sounds like he just bumbles on in his own sweet way without considering how he is coming across at all.

I'd be putting my foot down, though I speak as one whose husband would never have even thought about inviting his family to "our" scan.

onlyjoking9329 · 07/05/2014 23:23

Skype/FaceTime

ALifeOfPie · 07/05/2014 23:26

He is being completely unreasonable. You are not an entertainment venue. If he wants his parents to have an awww moment he can buy a DVD to show them, you have every right to privacy from your in-laws, however nice they are, when you are flat on your back with gunk on your tummy.

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