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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to have turned up to this with a present...?

129 replies

Penguinator · 07/05/2014 20:20

DS and I were recently invited to the 1st birthday party of one of the babies from our NCT group (we're not close friends with the parents but get on well and meet up as a group from time to time). Before attending I made the decision not to get involved with buying presents for every child whose party we were invited to, as there are likely to be so many that we'd end up spending a small fortune (DH was recently made redundant so we are on a tight budget, which meant we weren't able to spend much on our own DS's birthday). Instead we showed up with a card for the little boy. I emailed his mum the next day to thank her for inviting us, and her reply included a slightly passive-aggressive remark about how lovely it was that her son had so many presents to open the next day (we handed her the card at the party so she knew we hadn't brought one). I'm not normally tight when it comes to gifts but I generally restrict them to close friends. AIBU to think it's unnecessary to buy a present for every child's birthday party, or did I make a massive faux pas? DS is my first so I'm new to this!

OP posts:

kicksandgiggles · 07/05/2014 23:21

I personally wouldn't turn up to a birthday party without a present, nor would I ever go to someone's house for a meal or a party empty handed.

That being said, my NCT group did a Secret Santa type thing for the first birthday parties as there were eight of them and it would have been a bit much. Everyone bought for one child with a maximum spend of £10, which worked quite well.

ThatsAStupidUsername · 07/05/2014 23:24

YANBU - however, I would have taken something to eat or drink. A 1 year old doesn't want a present .

When the kids are older I think you have to take presents. It's great if you can get your group to agree to a standard cost. It takes the angst out of present buying. One of my kids was in a year group that loved having big class parties. The parents were all really friendly. The parties followed quite a set pattern and the presents were always quite modest. It was great.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 07/05/2014 23:33

Sorry but YABU, you should have taken a gift, although the mum was being a bit precious to mention it in the email!

riverboat1 · 07/05/2014 23:34

Well I'd say YANBU, but then I have very little experience of kids' birthday parties.

To me it would be different when the children were old enough to be aware of present giving and receiving themselves, but at 1 year old they won't have a clue, and I would hope the adults involved would be able to understand everyone's financial circumstances are different, and remember that it's the thought that counts - and you evidenced thought by giving a card. I don't really think that giving a £1 book or cheap plastic toy somehow makes a huge difference.

I'd say the host was way more rude for being sniffy about lack of present than you were for not giving one.

BackforGood · 07/05/2014 23:52

This isn't about 'experienced Mums' knowing though - it's the same in child-free life.
If you are invited to a party, then you take along a gift, be it housewarming, birthday, engagement, wedding, or even a dinner party tbh - you turn up with something to give to the host. It's normal socail etiquette.

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/05/2014 00:28

I love receiving homemade presents. And I love giving them. It's not about the cost of the present, it's about the thought behind it. Sometimes that thought is lovingly handmade goodies. Sometimes it's imagination down the pound shop (DS has received chalk, a kite, bow & arrow and loves them all). Sometimes that thought is minimal and/or materialistic. But at least the thought was there.

However, when it comes to DS's actual parties, my attention is usually elsewhere so don't notice who gave what or not. My attentions are elsewhere. If I can manage to gather the pressies into a place where no one will step/spill drinks/fall/ puke on them, I am proud.. And I could imagine myself sending that reply to anyone who e-mailed me the next day.

It is good manners to bring a gift to your host, no matter what the occasion. And it doesn't have to cost a penny. A babysitting/play date voucher costs nothing. It is really about the thought.

OP if you had no doubts that you behaved correctly, you would not be second guessing yourself on AIBU.

Sigyn · 08/05/2014 07:31

yy don't diss poundland

We have a lovely poundland type shop which does arty/crafty stuff. I have girls and its a staple stop for me for parties.

and for party bags

aquashiv · 08/05/2014 07:35

The drawer of recycle d kids tat will be yr friend.

DeWee · 08/05/2014 08:11

The thing is, if someone is really struggling to find the money then I don't think anyone would mind them not bringing a present. Having said that, people I know in that situation usually bring a small bag of sweets, or similar. And usually apologise.

What I find odd is you seem to have decided your ds will be invited to a lot of parties, so you will choose which parties to take presents to and which not. To me that's odd, and going to bring bad feelings. If you feel they're not good enough to take a present, then don't go.

And he may not get as many parties as you expect particularly if the word gets around you don't give presents

In some ways the people you're not close to deserve the presents more-because for those you are close to presumably they'd have much more preference to see you.

But having had various parties, the email you got sounds to me that the person is hedging their bets as to whether you brought a present or not. A generic "I'm assuming you brought a present, so this is a thanks if you did, without it being too obvious that I'm genericly thanking you if you didn't"

nachohousekeeper · 08/05/2014 08:29

I am stunned at the number of people who think you must bring a present.

One of my friends is having a tough time with her DH being made redundant. I would be mortified if she spent any of her precious money on one of my DCs for the sake of not offending me.

Birthdays are not all about presents no matter how young you are. It's grabby and crass to expect gifts and a terrible thing to teach your children.

Joysmum · 08/05/2014 08:32

It's not grabby, it's social convention.

Gemma222 · 08/05/2014 09:12

I think small gifts like craft paper and things is a simple cheap gift which only causes temporary clutter

There are lots of cheap gifts available especially after christmas. I am on a low income but I always pick up a few cheap items all year round suitable for birthdays. Some gifts are just 5p or 10p. I picked some lovely glittery stickers for 5p and some make your own paper airplanes for 10p

expatinscotland · 08/05/2014 09:25

YABU.

QueenofallIsee · 08/05/2014 09:35

I would be surprised that a child came without a gift and probably assume that the present-less childs parents had money worries. I would never in a million years mention it and I wouldn't be upset or rude.

I do think its a bit mean to say that you are not going to subscribe to this particular societal norm and you might find it a bit lonely making that statement all by yourself as clearly there are some who would take umbrage! My children love picking gifts for their friends. I also hope that you would not hold parties and accept gifts yourself.

gordyslovesheep · 08/05/2014 09:35

yabu - a token birthday gift is fine you don't have to spend a fortune

when my where small I used to buy those book pack from The Book People and such like - the £10 for 5 soft back story book things - £2 a book and a nice gift

also buy stuff in the sales

I still have a present box for emergency parties!

halfdrunktea · 08/05/2014 10:23

I suppose it's the convention to take gifts but I don't think you were doing anything wrong by wanting to restrict gifts to close friends only. Personally for my children's first birthdays I would rather not have received endless plastic rubbish/clutter. However when I did say no presents in the past people still brought them anyway.

Summerbreezing · 08/05/2014 11:35

You were both a bit rude, in my opinion. You should have bought a small inexpensive gift, and the other mother should not have made that comment.

DizzyKipper · 08/05/2014 13:09

Hmm, now to me with people you are close to that's when you can get away with not following normal social etiquette - people who are close are more likely to know and be sympathetic to your individual circumstances and value your presence more than a present. With people you don't know so well/aren't close to (though I have to kinda wonder why you'd even be invited in the first place in that case) that's when you have to make the effort - however meagre it may be. Though personally I'd always turn up to a child's birthday party with a present, regardless of how well or not I know the person. As others have said, you can get something cheap - which is all that would be expected from somebody you don't know that well anyway.

Sigyn · 08/05/2014 19:44

Yeah, I don't think you can really accept all party invites but only bring a gift if you like the host

If you don't like the host enough to bring a token gift, even if its just a plate of homemade cookies, don't go to the party. Simples.

If you were to say "I am not going to go to every kid's party, only those we really care about", then my god I would be with you. I spend a fair bit as weekends loom wishing that I had a cast iron excuse like leprosy to get out of taking whichever kid it is to a party for most of our nice family Saturday afternoon. I kind of wish I'd estabished early that we never ever leave the house at the weekend, or pretended that we actually live in Spain and fly out each Friday evening or something.

I think you might even be able to get away with never taking a present.

But picking and choosing who to give gifts to, while accepting the hospitality of even those who you don't value enough to give gifts to, is Not On, I'm afraid.

Roseformeplease · 08/05/2014 19:47

I had a drawer full of bits, often give by over zealous relatives who sent things but never visited, to re-gift. My favourite was the Postman Pat DVD my son got for his 10th birthday. Take a gift, even a token (or wine for the mother).

Donttrustyoursil · 08/05/2014 19:58

I regifted a play dough set because the last lot the DC had I was forever pulling it out of the carpet!

Rainbunny · 08/05/2014 20:15

I wouldn't mind someone not bringing a gift at all, in fact I'd hate to think that someone would decline my invitation because they were afraid to show up without a gift. For me the "gift" is the memories created at parties like this.

waterrat · 08/05/2014 20:24

I think you completely misunderstood the email and this thread is therefore barking up tr wrong tree

The hostess couldn't remember if you brought something and didn't want to be rude so sent you a generic email saying how lovely all his presents were

You have reacted with total and unnecessary paranoia

Only someone totally insane would actually send a passive aggressive email about a 1 year olds presents

waterrat · 08/05/2014 20:26

And it is completely bonkers to suggest someone not attend a party if thy cant bring a gift. I had a party for my son recently - I was so nervous about all the people I invited turning up - I was delighted when they did and that is all thy mattered - it meant so much to me and to him

A party is such a lovely special thing for the hosts - why on earth would a present matter at all?!

Sigyn · 08/05/2014 20:28

To those who have said they would be happy if someone showed up without a gift:

Would you be happy if they had showed up without a gift because they thought giving your child a gift was a waste of money because they didn't like them enough ?

Yet still had the cheek to show up and eat your marmite sandwiches?

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