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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to have turned up to this with a present...?

129 replies

Penguinator · 07/05/2014 20:20

DS and I were recently invited to the 1st birthday party of one of the babies from our NCT group (we're not close friends with the parents but get on well and meet up as a group from time to time). Before attending I made the decision not to get involved with buying presents for every child whose party we were invited to, as there are likely to be so many that we'd end up spending a small fortune (DH was recently made redundant so we are on a tight budget, which meant we weren't able to spend much on our own DS's birthday). Instead we showed up with a card for the little boy. I emailed his mum the next day to thank her for inviting us, and her reply included a slightly passive-aggressive remark about how lovely it was that her son had so many presents to open the next day (we handed her the card at the party so she knew we hadn't brought one). I'm not normally tight when it comes to gifts but I generally restrict them to close friends. AIBU to think it's unnecessary to buy a present for every child's birthday party, or did I make a massive faux pas? DS is my first so I'm new to this!

OP posts:

Sigyn · 07/05/2014 21:38

And party bags. Always party bags.

jacks365 · 07/05/2014 21:39

It is a social convention annoying as it is but it is a convention that means that everyone knows the score. The risk of not buying presents is that people don't know how to deal with it so they may choose to decline attending any parties you throw.

Bodicea · 07/05/2014 21:39

I think all the experienced mummies Are being a bit harsh.
I am new to all this too ( with a 6 month old ). It wouldn't have occurred to me either. All this gift buying seems a bit pointless and a waste if money for people don't know that well. I am sure I will step in line when it comes to it if that is the convention these days but seems like consumerism gone mad. Sure we will all end up with a house full of Chinese made crap and well at least hopefully a few decent books in the future!

Ploppy16 · 07/05/2014 21:42

Masses of experience here and I would be mortified if someone declined an invite because they couldn't afford a present, that's not what parties are for!
If it makes YOU feel more acceptable stock up on some small presents.

WhoDaresWins · 07/05/2014 21:43

It's not a silly social rule or convention - it's a matter of good manners.

Waltonswatcher1 · 07/05/2014 21:44

I hate shit gifts !
Pointless land fillers .
Buy something useful if you must - socks and pants !
It's nutsvil to buy gifts because of merchandising madness .
If men were in charge of parties it wouldn't happen . It's a bloody women thing ...
( offends her own sex and sneaks off to bed with mn off)

cutefluffybunnes · 07/05/2014 21:46

There is no rule that says you have to bring a present - that's absurd. Especially if the birthday boy/girl is too young to notice! You brought a card and yourselves, which is perfectly fine. The mother was rude and grabby.

Older children will notice, though, so best to have a stack of reasonably priced books on hand for parties in the future.

Sigyn · 07/05/2014 21:51

I am really feeling for the poor mother

to me her email really does read "crap, I didn't notice what you bought-but I am sure it was lovely.".

I'm remembering my son's first birthday, to which we invited the NCT group, the nursery class, the neighbours, our friends...and inexplicably, both our sets of work colleagues (and some actually came). I was in no fit state the next day to send out emails, passive aggressive or not, and certainly not to care what anyone had given my PFB.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/05/2014 21:56

walton

I think you talk sense!!

Original poster

Penguinator · 07/05/2014 22:04

Agree with you too Walton! It's the competitiveness and pettiness that makes me despair, especially at the expense of the DCs. I also suspect you're right that most men wouldn't care less about this kind of thing... DH honestly can't understand why I'd lose a minute of thought to stuff like this!

OP posts:

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/05/2014 22:06

I agree with Sigyn and all the other posters who said the mum's e-mail sounds like the work of a woman who has lost track of who gave what.

Mybellyisaneasteregg · 07/05/2014 22:11

I also don't like the presumption that all kids have loads of toys and that's why you don't need to bring the birthday child a gift that is simply not true.

Some children have very few toys. My ds has only got toys birthday and xmas and only new ones from his grandparents. (We as parents only been able to afford second hand toys so far). So he certainly doesn't hve loads and in actual fact quite a few of his toys are those pound land party toys that he has got from party bags, which he does appreciate and play with.

He haven't done a party for him yet, hopefully we do one when he's in reception and we will be very appreciative of all presents. I wouldn't dream of blacklisting his friends if they couldn't bring a gift but I would expect he receives presents from most if his guests, as per social conventions.

I agree with the suggestion of books as presents, can be bought easily and cheaply.

Sigyn · 07/05/2014 22:12

"All this gift buying seems a bit pointless and a waste if money for people don't know that well."

Not trying to have a go, Boudicea, its just I think you put this idea especially clearly.

I would say, if you don't know a child or family well enough to not feel that a gift for them is a waste of money, then you probably should not go to their party, basically.

Certainly not at this stage. At the reception/Yr 1 "invite everyone and their cat" stage, well, that's why present recycling.

Wooodpecker · 07/05/2014 22:13

It's the norm to buy a present but if I had been the mother of the child I wouldn't have given it more than a passing thought if you had not done it. How much does a 1 year old need after all?

TiredFeet · 07/05/2014 22:15

I can't see anything in the email,as quoted, that suugests she was passive aggressive, more likely just a way to say thank you when she wasn't sure who gave which gifts

I would never mind if someone didn't bring a present, indeed I dread the arrival of more plastic tat! That said, I would never turn up empty handed myself.

LineRunner · 07/05/2014 22:15

Oh god, is there not enough crap in the world already....

Sigyn · 07/05/2014 22:19

Disagree about "men wouldn't bother"

No. my partner does his fair share of parties and kid social stuff. I work a lot of weekends so he probably does more than me.

He gets that you give a gift, and a card.

I think you are confusing gender with inexperience.

IwishIwasmoreorganised · 07/05/2014 22:26

Are you sure that her text was directed at you OP and wasn't just a general one sent to everyone that was at the party?

Fwiw, buying small bargain gifts when you see them is the way forward.

My favourite parents are those that buy our ds's a useable present. We've had a couple of cool (in ds's opinion!) T-shirts as presents. Tesco do good character ones, and we've also had some Gap and next ones!

Gurnie · 07/05/2014 22:29

Ok, I probably would have taken a small gift but I think the other mum was being incredibly rude and petty if she was making a passive aggressive remark in her email! I would never, in a million years mention something like this and neither would it bother me.

It reminds me of a parent I know who had a HUGE party for her twins. Both twins had their whole class there (70 kids in total in a huge play centre type place). Both parents filled their cars with the gifts to take them home and they still couldn't get them all in.

The next day the mum of the twins said to me "would you believe it? X's mum didn't bring a present, she only bought a card?!" I was astonished that she not only noticed but was grabby enough to be put out by it!

rootypig · 07/05/2014 22:40

I don't think it's parenting, can we not fall into this same old tired mother bashing stereotype? it's just the same social convention that governs any invitation, surely. Go to dinner, bring wine. Go for the weekend, bring flowers. Go to a party, bring a small gift.

Backtobedlam · 07/05/2014 22:48

The party is an opportunity to enjoy celebrating the child's birthday with friends. Whilst I haven't gone to one without a gift I certainly wouldn't mind if someone came to one of our parties without a present. It's a bit grabby to expect one. Sometimes I've not found a gift on the list from someone, but usually assumed it's got mixed up with others so have just sent a general thank you.

Gurnie · 07/05/2014 22:51

If OP had turned up to your DCs party with a card and no present would others have been annoyed and possibly mentioned it then? I'm really surprised people feel so strongly about this.

deakymom · 07/05/2014 22:51

personally i would rather nothing and good company than a token poundland gift that breaks etc that really sounds harsh but for me gifts are not a big thing and i passed that on to my daughter we had a girl who every year would turn up empty handed my mom and sis would chuff and huff about it but we were just pleased to see her having fun like the rest and to be fair my daughters party was one of the few she went to as i was so relaxed she stopped making excuses in the end (at first she used to say she forgot) and just bought her child over birthdays are about having fun not having gifts

rootypig · 07/05/2014 23:02

I've had some brilliant things in Poundland! Giant chalks that have kept toddler DD entertained for hours. Bouncy balls. Gardening stuff. Enormous packs of pom poms.

Don't diss Poundland

violetlights · 07/05/2014 23:06

I would have been happy with a card...! And my one year old was hardly going to notice, was he??

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