Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to have turned up to this with a present...?

129 replies

Penguinator · 07/05/2014 20:20

DS and I were recently invited to the 1st birthday party of one of the babies from our NCT group (we're not close friends with the parents but get on well and meet up as a group from time to time). Before attending I made the decision not to get involved with buying presents for every child whose party we were invited to, as there are likely to be so many that we'd end up spending a small fortune (DH was recently made redundant so we are on a tight budget, which meant we weren't able to spend much on our own DS's birthday). Instead we showed up with a card for the little boy. I emailed his mum the next day to thank her for inviting us, and her reply included a slightly passive-aggressive remark about how lovely it was that her son had so many presents to open the next day (we handed her the card at the party so she knew we hadn't brought one). I'm not normally tight when it comes to gifts but I generally restrict them to close friends. AIBU to think it's unnecessary to buy a present for every child's birthday party, or did I make a massive faux pas? DS is my first so I'm new to this!

OP posts:
ikeaismylocal · 07/05/2014 20:56

We managed to avoid this problem by having a joint 1stbirtday part for the babies in our group, we all bout a small gift and made a pile in the middle and let the babies choose one present each, it was really fun and saved the parents money and avoided the situation where each baby had 10 extra gifts on their birthday.

MrsAtticus · 07/05/2014 20:56

YANBU, start as you mean to go on. If he had that many presents he wasn't missing yours was he?!

GreenEyedGoblin · 07/05/2014 20:57

Before attending I made the decision not to get involved with buying presents for every child whose party we were invited to, as there are likely to be so many that we'd end up spending a small fortune

YABU, and very rude. I never spend a fortune on birthdays, but I wouldn't dream of turning up empty handed to any party, be it child or adult.

You can get books, colouring stuff, various toys from the pound shop.

I also think the mum just didn't remember who gave what. On most of my dc's birthdays I make a note as they open them so we can thank people. On ds2's 4th birthday, we had a bouncy castle party that around 20 kids attended, so came home with a bag full of presents/crds. I nipped out to the kitchen, came back in and within 5 minutes he'd ripped all the presents open. He had a pile of books, toys & wrapping paper and four £5 notes and no way for me to tell who gave what!

Squeegle · 07/05/2014 20:58

Personally, I would also not expect a present for a one year old- it's about the thought, and in my book a card for a child who won't even know it was their birthday would be absolute fine!

It's different when they're older. It is certainly not something that any normal person would take offence at.

Original poster
Penguinator · 07/05/2014 20:58

Thank you Rice - I think you make a very good point.

OP posts:
Sigyn · 07/05/2014 21:04

I really think there is a fine line between being anti-consumerist and being perceived as mean.

If you don't want to buy stuff that's fine, why not make something? A batch of cookies or whatever. That would go down just as well, IME.

PrincessTheresaofLiechtenstein · 07/05/2014 21:10

It's a social convention.

Also, I have always known whether someone brought a present for my dc, not because I care at all (like you, I would really rather no presents at all) but because my dc are made to write personalised thank you notes for everything. It will be noticed, and some people won't appreciate having fed and entertained your children without a token gift.

Incidentally, I would love to ask for "no presents" but my children would notice and find it odd that they had to take presents to other people's parties, but didn't get anything from friends on their birthdays. Some social conventions are worth questioning, definitely, but am going along with this one!

Mybellyisaneasteregg · 07/05/2014 21:13

Yabu

If you genuinely cannot afford a small gift you should really have declined the invite.

I have only attended one birthday party without a gift and that was for a neighbours child, as I was invited informally in person a couple of hours before the party. All other parties I have taken a gift.

CommanderShepard · 07/05/2014 21:14

We all agreed no presents in our NCT group - hell of a lot easier.

Figster · 07/05/2014 21:15

I hope you get invited to other parties and haven't been blacklisted.

DS is 2 he's being invited to parties of kids I've never even heard of let alone met I still bring a gift.

Big etiquette fail its not about being a first time parent it's just good manners.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/05/2014 21:16

If you genuinely cannot afford a small gift you should really have declined the invite

Really Shock

I can honestly say I would be mortified if people turned down an invite to dds parties because tey couldn't afford a present.

These are hard times for many people, and how bloody lonely to have half your friends not show for such a pointless stupid reason.

Sigyn · 07/05/2014 21:18

At the same time-OP, don't sweat it.

Unless she's a passive aggressive type, I would not assume from her email that she's annoyed. I'd just assume she had forgotten what you gave.

To be perfectly honest, "X enjoyed opening all his presents next day" sounds like a cover for "oh crap I cannot remember what you gave him,",

Sigyn · 07/05/2014 21:19

And I don't agree, decline the invite. No way.

But you could afford a card. Like I said upthread, streamline the card.

Sigyn · 07/05/2014 21:21

and bring cookies, bring an duplicate book belonging to your dc, make a dozen origami cranes with lots of happy wishes, I dunno, but don't show up empty handed.

Original poster
Penguinator · 07/05/2014 21:21

Agree with Giles on this, Mybelly. Decline an invite rather than show up with with just a card? And blacklisting a child from future parties for a decision his mother made, Figster? Does that actually happen?! Bloody hell, if that's what people do it's enough to make me never venture out of my front door again!!

OP posts:
ComfyLeatherChair · 07/05/2014 21:24

We also did the no present rule for NCT group [peers suspiciously at Commander and Ikea]
then had a joint party for all at some point in the year, like a secret santa. Much easier.

Now the Dc are older I am a hypocrite. I would love to say no presents for DCs birthday, but wouldn't dream of sending them without one.
I have resorted to buying book/gift tokens as at least they can be combined to buy something the birthday child hasn't already got and actually wants.

Original poster
Penguinator · 07/05/2014 21:25

I like your idea about bringing something homemade Sigyn - will try and do that next time (if there is a next time and we haven't been consigned to the social scrap heap! Hmm)

OP posts:
ComfyLeatherChair · 07/05/2014 21:28

Just wait until you get in to competitive birthday parties op Grin
that's a minefield.

MrsGoslingWannabe · 07/05/2014 21:30

What a load of conformist shite some of you are spouting! The other mum is a petty sad cow if all she cares about is making other people feel guilty cos they didn't buy her PFB a tacky piece of plastic tat that will be clogging up landfill in 2 years' time. Get a grip.

lunar1 · 07/05/2014 21:31

I wouldn't worry, the wording of the email probably means "oh shit all the labels fell off the gifts and my list got muddled up so I'll send emails out that are a bit vague as I can't remember who sent a gift".

Original poster
Penguinator · 07/05/2014 21:32

Oh god Comfy, that is a whole circle of hell I hadn't even considered! Poor DS, his 1st bday party consisted of a trip to the playground with two friends and tea and cake with the grandparents! He had a lovely time but that's obviously not going to cut it next year!

OP posts:
ThisIsLID · 07/05/2014 21:35

Tbh I think it also depends a lot of the age of the child. At 1yo, the child won't remember a thing.
At 5yo it's a different story. They love opening presents, even the cheap rubbish stuff. And they do notice who has been coming empty handed
By 8yo they have already worked out that they will receive lots of stuff that will be completely useless and are immensely happy to have money instead.

I have to say I ma finding the regifting and the poundland gifts annoying. If you thought it was so much crap that you wouldn't leave it to your dc, why on earth giving it to another child? Or is it that you actually do it because you don't like said child/parents

Sigyn · 07/05/2014 21:35

Penguin, if it makes you feel better, that's basically what my older kids birthdays look like, only with possibly a few more friends. Or swimming or something quite low key.

The only time I've done whole class parties, its been a chilled, jelly and ice-cream type thing, maybe a few very simple games. And optional wine and special nice cake for the parents Grin.

Everyone happy.

Aeroflotgirl · 07/05/2014 21:37

Yes if you go to a party you take a gift, even if it's a book, of small toy.

ThisIsLID · 07/05/2014 21:38

And yes, my dcs absolutely love the 'going out with cousins/a few friends and a naice meal with grand parents' type of things. Even now that they are much older.