Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to have turned up to this with a present...?

129 replies

Penguinator · 07/05/2014 20:20

DS and I were recently invited to the 1st birthday party of one of the babies from our NCT group (we're not close friends with the parents but get on well and meet up as a group from time to time). Before attending I made the decision not to get involved with buying presents for every child whose party we were invited to, as there are likely to be so many that we'd end up spending a small fortune (DH was recently made redundant so we are on a tight budget, which meant we weren't able to spend much on our own DS's birthday). Instead we showed up with a card for the little boy. I emailed his mum the next day to thank her for inviting us, and her reply included a slightly passive-aggressive remark about how lovely it was that her son had so many presents to open the next day (we handed her the card at the party so she knew we hadn't brought one). I'm not normally tight when it comes to gifts but I generally restrict them to close friends. AIBU to think it's unnecessary to buy a present for every child's birthday party, or did I make a massive faux pas? DS is my first so I'm new to this!

OP posts:
eddielizzard · 07/05/2014 20:36

haha that's just the tip of the iceberg Penguin! time to don your hard hat.

Sigyn · 07/05/2014 20:36

Yes, you must bring a gift. You can't decide not to, I am afraid, without being rude.

What you possibly can do is not take anything for the baby but rather take flowers or chocolates or wine (if they are wine drinkers) for the parents. But judge that one carefully. I'd only do it with a. good friends who I knew didn't want more stuff for their kid AND b. second or subsequent children. Also, IMO, you need to spend more on the parent gift than the kid gift - a £2 bunch of 50% extra free daffs isn't going to cut it, so you don't come out ahead.

If your kid does get invited to a lot of parties, then yes, the £10 for £10 books from the Book People become very useful. Also, after a while you start to get crap gifts no sane person wants spare presents which you can then recycle (carefully)

arethereanyleftatall · 07/05/2014 20:37

Cross post, sorry.
I have a present box, which anything I see on special goes in.
Or, bake personalised cookies or something.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/05/2014 20:37

If you were my friend I wouldn't have cared tbh. What's a 1yr old going to do? Eat the wrapping.

The email was rude and gabby and precious.

Birthdays are about celebrating with friends. Wouldn't be much of a party if no one showed up incase their gift wasn't approved of or they couldn't afford one. They aren't about housing the child!

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 07/05/2014 20:37

Yes a small drawer of presents is always a good idea and once your dc start getting Xmas and birthday presents you can fill it with gifts you don't want or are duplicates and then recycle them!

arethereanyleftatall · 07/05/2014 20:39

Agree with syngyn, recycle pressies! Just stick a label on so you know who not to give back to.

itiswhatitiswhatitis · 07/05/2014 20:39

Oh and for future reference if you invite another child on a day out you should provide them with lunch but if you child is invited on a day out you should pack them a lunch Grin

Sigyn · 07/05/2014 20:39

Incidentally there is a way out of the expense thing

Don't buy a card. Have your kid scribble a masterpiece (or do it yourself with your non-dominant hand in a pinch) on some cheapy A4 card.

No one loves another kid's drawings as a birthday card really but no one is going to object because that would be crass.

Buy a £1 book with the savings from the card.

In fact you might save money this way.

WhoDaresWins · 07/05/2014 20:39

It was a faux pas I'm afraid, but she was rude to mention it.

As others have said, try The Book People, charity shops, January sales, supermarkets. Plenty of cheap stuff about.

shanghidawn · 07/05/2014 20:39

YANBU...I was brought up with the expectation that you invite people to a party on the basis you want the person there not because you want a present. Even as a child I was made to give away prizes at party games because 'I had enough already and didn't need more'.

Bunbaker · 07/05/2014 20:40

Ditto the suggestion of buying a few cheap presents and keeping them for such occasions as this. DD got invited to countless parties in reception and year 1 and it would have looked rude not to have taken a token present.

MagicMojito · 07/05/2014 20:40

Agree with everybody else. Yabu I'm afraid. Pound shop/99p store is your friend. They actually have some really good gifts in there amidst all the plastic tat. Dd got a small box set of abc/123/colours books in land the other day! Agreed that the other woman sounds rude to bring it up in a pa way.

KatieKaye · 07/05/2014 20:40

Panic not - while it was rude not to take a present, the hostess was much ruder in her passive/aggressive remarks. She should have thanked you for the card and left it at that.
So, in the scheme of things, you can take the high moral ground. And take comfort in the fact that while you won't make the same mistake again, she will probably continue to be intentionally rude.

redexpat · 07/05/2014 20:41

I shall invite you to our next party OP. I would love to have someone turn up with only a card instead of more crap that we dont have space for.

tiredandsadmum · 07/05/2014 20:42

I don't agree. I know its the convention but most children get far too many presents. I live in a very prosperous village but there are many children at the local school whose parents are not well off. Often at a party there is just a card. I am glad the child can come and enjoy themselves like everyone else. To actually be off about it is rude imo. There is no bitching in the playground or anything about it. We all accept that some are better off than others and that's fine (as far as presents at a kids party goes).

legalalien · 07/05/2014 20:43

I'm with Giles. I couldn't have cared less whether people brought a gift or not. Is just wish someone had poured me a glass of prosecco, made me a cuppa or spoken to me as a rational adult. Life is not about stuff. (Well, actually it is on large part but we can try and maintain a semblance of civilisation

LoveBeingCantThinkOfAName · 07/05/2014 20:44

And remember that present your child gets can make it to the re gift drawer, just make sure you add a post it note saying who gave it.

Gileswithachainsaw · 07/05/2014 20:48

So it's not ok to turn up empty handed but it's ok to re gift the presents you do get?

Makes no sense to me!

People should only spend out if they can afford to. Shock horror things may crop up for people and their isn't time to go shopping or wait in for deliveries or whatever.

I Invite dds friends to her parties, not what they may or may not bring with them.

DIYtrainee · 07/05/2014 20:49

I agree with the other couple of posters who think the hostess didn't remember that you only gave a card, and was worried about not thanking you for the gift but couldn't work out what you gave.

Bowlersarm · 07/05/2014 20:50

YABU. And agree with DIY.

Original poster
Penguinator · 07/05/2014 20:51

Thanks red Smile I must say that was kind of my thinking too... most other parents I know complain about not having enough space to accommodate all their DCs' toys etc, and are desperate to get rid of stuff, so I didn't necessarily want to add to a pile of unwanted gifts (was probably also influenced by DH's rants about pointless consumerism and the environment!) Still, if it's the done thing then I won't make the same mistake again... a book won't hurt: biodegradable, and if nothing else it'll help stock up other people's present drawers Grin

OP posts:
RiceBurner · 07/05/2014 20:51

YANBU.

There's no law that says a party invite = a present. So when did everyone get so grabby and materialistic?

I understand that it's the 'usual thing' to do, and if you want to buy a gift to take, that's fine. But you said that havent got much spare money. And that this would set a precedent as there are other parties ahead in same group of friends.

So do people (on here) REALLY think you should divert money from more urgent things to buy a cheap gift for a 1yr old, (who got loads of gifts anyway, as it happens, so wouldnt have noticed yours), just to obey this silly social rule?

A true friend would have simply been glad to see you there at the party, joining them. (Instead of not going as you didnt want to buy a gift.)

I agree with the other poster who said that her remark may have been completely innocent, not remembering you didnt bring a gift.

But, if she WAS making a mean point, (ie that you didnt bring a gift), then she's not a friend/nice person and you don't need to care/worry what she thinks of you.

So don't worry OP.

And be a proud warrior in battle to reduce conspicious comsumption for the sake of appearances, while trying to encourage others to have the courage to follow your example.

This is a case of social bullying ie "everyone else does X so you must do X aswell", or be a social outcast"?!

Don't let them bully you OP! (It's who you are that counts, not what gift you brought.)

Nandocushion · 07/05/2014 20:52

I would rather you turned up with a card, or nothing, than a nasty piece of tat from Poundland which would have ended up in the landfill shortly after. I also think you may be overthinking her message - she was just making small talk via email, not slighting you, and I bet she was more glad you came than not. YANBU absolutely.

WooWooOwl · 07/05/2014 20:54

Birthday parties require birthday presents.

Sigyn · 07/05/2014 20:54

Yeah, I agree kids have too much stuff. I think every single parent with a kid aged over about one would agree

but a one year old's party is not really the time for this particular battle. Its the time to stand awkwardly in the corner thinking wtf am I doing here and longing for the day when you can drop them off and scarper to the nearest coffee shop

There are certain niceties that will make life a whole lot easier all round and one of them is taking part in the universal cycling of crap presents.

To be perfectly honest, it sounds like a big party and I wonder if the party-giver's mum just had a standardised email reply for all the present givers. Or possibly hadn't really noticed what the OP had handed over. I only know who gave what to my kids because I am ninja about it.