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AIBU?

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Original poster

Left outside like a lemon

94 replies

icy121 · 06/05/2014 20:19

Went to the gym (go me!) didn't take keys as walking. Told OH this on way out. Got back. Knocked on door. Rang phone numerous times. Knocked again. Rang mobile. Knocked. Eventually (5, 6 mins?) he comes down looking pissy. He had been up with his kids from ex-wife.

"I was with the girls"

The girls are 6 and 8. Not babies.

"You could have taken your keys"

I countered with (the truth) that when he's locked out he goes mad, hammering the door, getting angry etc.

I'm fucking seething! Feels so belittling to be made to wait outside, it takes 30 seconds to open te door.

Excaccerbated by fact I'm trying to get pregnant, so I am possibly over-reacting, and to date it's not going well so just feels extra-excluding. "Me and the girls matter more, you stand on the doorstep waiting"

Arsehole.

OP posts:
WolfMoon · 06/05/2014 20:22

Deep breath. You are in now, and he was with the kids, not taking the mick. The big thing that seems to scream from this post is that you feel he excludes you, whether accidentally or deliberately. Have you spoken to him about feeling excluded?

Original poster
icy121 · 06/05/2014 20:29

He heard me knock and ring, it takes 30 seconds to dash down and open door, the kids are old enough they can be left?! The fact is he didn't, and I would never do that to him on purpose. If I know he's at the door I rush to open it - cos who wants to be left standing outside like an idiot.

He obviously felt that whatever he was doing with the kids was so important he couldn't nip down to answer door. As I said they're not babies! Nothing bad would happen if he'd let me in, he just has made it abundantly clear that it doesn't matter to him if I'm standing on the doorstep.

And now he'll argue back and turn it against me cos he's more intelligent than me, so I'll lose the argument! Arrrgh

OP posts:
YouTheCat · 06/05/2014 20:32

Why do you want to have a baby with this man?

Original poster
icy121 · 06/05/2014 20:37

Because normally he's not such a shit!

Sigh. Need a conversation (NOT an argument) about respect.

OP posts:
VanitasVanitatum · 06/05/2014 20:38

This doesn't sound like the best basis for having children, whether or not he was unable to leave the children he should have been nice about it when he got to the door.

Hammering on the door and getting in a rage also sounds like a red flag; doesn't sound like something a reasonable person does.

What are the positives in your relationship? Do you get on well with your dsds?

wouldbemedic · 06/05/2014 20:41

If you don't want anyone else to criticise him, don't post. If you've decided he's worth being with, then take the rough with the smooth and stop complaining.

He sounds rubbish though.

Original poster
icy121 · 06/05/2014 21:12

You're right, I need to suck up the rough, as generally my life with him is great.

It's my own insecurities fuelling feeling excluded, not him, anyway. Says he didn't hear me banging as was upstairs and door was closed, and would I really think he'd ignore me if he heard me? We'll, yes I would, but that's my self esteem problem.

So... Unreasonable it is.

OP posts:
JustAQuickQuestionPlease · 06/05/2014 21:46

Hang on, nobody's saying suck it up and stay with him!

Look at what you've said:

I countered with (the truth) that when he's locked out he goes mad, hammering the door, getting angry etc.

"Me and the girls matter more, you stand on the doorstep waiting"

He heard me knock and ring

he just has made it abundantly clear that it doesn't matter to him if I'm standing on the doorstep

And now he'll argue back and turn it against me

For god's sake, why would you choose to have a child with him? Can you really not recognise that your life with him will be horrible?

JustAQuickQuestionPlease · 06/05/2014 21:47

I think you're confusing these two facts:

You are seeing him
You want a baby

This does NOT mean you should have a child with him.

EverythingsDozy · 06/05/2014 22:04

I thought you meant he was out with his kids, not upstairs!! Had to re-read!! I would have gone batshit! How rude of somebody to do that, anybody to do that, never mind your "D"P !!

YouTheCat · 06/05/2014 22:04

He shouldn't be feeding those insecurities though.

A decent man would be helping you address them not adding to them.

FullySwindonian · 07/05/2014 01:43

LTB.

FullySwindonian · 07/05/2014 01:43

Haha Grin Not really. I was just trying out a MN classic.

AdoraBell · 07/05/2014 02:26

What Vanitas said.

PrincessBabyCat · 07/05/2014 03:00

Can you make a copy of the key so that this doesn't happen again? I've accidentally locked DH out, and he had to drive all the way up to my work to get them.

Everyone is going to act like a shit every once in a while. You don't have to suck up anything, you get to choose how you want to be treated and if this bugs you, you are entitled to be upset about it. But also make sure it's not a pattern.

One time deal of being an ass = Talk it out, put him in his place, move on.

A pattern = Reconsider the relationship.

Inertia · 07/05/2014 06:51

He's not sounding like a great catch. ..

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 07/05/2014 07:13

Yes, rude and unreasonable but why didn't you take your keys? What if he had needed to go out?

Atbeckandcall · 07/05/2014 07:35

If you went out when it was bedtime/bath time then it would have been a sensible idea for you to take keys out with you, I know I'm making assumption so please excuse me if I'm wrong.

I think you should probably sort out why you feel so insecure about aspects of your relationship and why he thinks it's ok to shout if he's been locked out. Just on another note, I think it's quite dramatic to say it's so awful to be waiting outside a door. Feels like there's a awful lot more going on.

Swindonian, fellow one here too!! (Just totally outed myself).

HighwayDragon · 07/05/2014 07:48

Why did he and his exw break up?

FraidyCat · 07/05/2014 07:53

Neither of you should be relying on the other letting them in. You should both have keys.

Blu · 07/05/2014 07:55

What is the big deal with waiting 5mins for someone to open the door if they are busy doing something and you are the one who didn't take keys?

Why is waiting on the doorstep anything to do with being an idiot or a lemon?

They are your DSCs not 'kids from ex-wife'.

Is it possible that everyone is overreacting?

MammaTJ · 07/05/2014 08:00

Calm down dear, calm down!

WooWooOwl · 07/05/2014 08:01

I think you're over reacting and seeing something that isn't there. He's not saying his children matter more than you just because he doesn't jump to attention the second you ring the doorbell (even though his children do matter more than you) maybe he didn't hear you first time. If you admit to having self esteem issues, then you probably are finding insult needlessly.

I don't think he did anything wrong by finishing what he was doing before answering the door to someone that could have just as easily avoided the problem by taking their own keys.

If I was just finishing a story or getting my dc out of the bath, I'd make whoever was at the door wait as well.

Blu · 07/05/2014 08:06

I would be really irritated by constant phoning etc during a short wait while I was finishing a story / in the toilet / listening to a child tell me something important about school or whatever.

Fairenuff · 07/05/2014 08:24

OP there are red flags all over the place here.

He heard me knock and ring

he just has made it abundantly clear that it doesn't matter to him if I'm standing on the doorstep

And now he'll argue back and turn it against me

This sounds like a man who is never wrong. Beware of Mr Right if his first name is Always.

Stop trying for a baby with him, it's not the right time just yet. How long have you been together and why did he split with his ex?