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AIBU?

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Original poster

Left outside like a lemon

94 replies

icy121 · 06/05/2014 20:19

Went to the gym (go me!) didn't take keys as walking. Told OH this on way out. Got back. Knocked on door. Rang phone numerous times. Knocked again. Rang mobile. Knocked. Eventually (5, 6 mins?) he comes down looking pissy. He had been up with his kids from ex-wife.

"I was with the girls"

The girls are 6 and 8. Not babies.

"You could have taken your keys"

I countered with (the truth) that when he's locked out he goes mad, hammering the door, getting angry etc.

I'm fucking seething! Feels so belittling to be made to wait outside, it takes 30 seconds to open te door.

Excaccerbated by fact I'm trying to get pregnant, so I am possibly over-reacting, and to date it's not going well so just feels extra-excluding. "Me and the girls matter more, you stand on the doorstep waiting"

Arsehole.

OP posts:
WooWooOwl · 07/05/2014 08:31

Red flags from what?

OP doesn't know that he heard first time, nor has she said what he was doing when he did hear, just that he was busy with his children.

The rest is just OPs assumptions and perceptions, which could well be completely incorrect, especially as she says she has her own self esteem issues and feels excluded. She probably feels excluded for no reason other than her DP has children he clearly cares about and she is TTC.

I think the OP is coming across as demanding and needy tbh, but at least she has recognised she's being unreasonable.

Forgettable · 07/05/2014 08:34

Hang on hang on

If he has gone out without his keys, he knocks and bangs angrily so you rush to let him in. What would happen if you didn't rush to let him in? You sound a bit cowed tbh. Perhaps I am wrong.

HotSauceCommittee · 07/05/2014 08:37

The OP is not being unreasonable!
This man is supposed to be her nearest and dearest.

30 seconds to answer the door, Max, and then go back to what he was doing.

He "goes mad" if the same was done to him?

Is this good enough, OP?

FFS, please don't have a baby with this man. He's supposed to love you. He doesn't really, if actions speak louder than words.

HotSauceCommittee · 07/05/2014 08:57

Your instincts are correct, BYW, " me and the girls matter more". His actions have told you this.

MidniteScribbler · 07/05/2014 09:00

"kids from his ex wife"

That would be his children. Don't have children with him if you speak with such disdain about his children.

TweedleDi · 07/05/2014 09:02

Please think and think some more about having a baby with this man. This is what they call a Red Flag. His respect and consideration for you is not high enough to suggest he will be a good life partner. Raise your bar higher.

WorraLiberty · 07/05/2014 09:06

He really does sound disrespectful of you

But also, you sound as though you're minimising his relationship with his children by calling them "kids from his ex wife".

It sounds like she sent him a parcel or something.

TheRealMaryMillington · 07/05/2014 09:09

If you are getting that irate over 6 minutes when he was attending to his kids there are clearly other things wrong in your relationship….

I'd find it irritating to have the door hammered upon, but, well, you could have taken your keys?

TheRealMaryMillington · 07/05/2014 09:11

"He's supposed to love you. He doesn't really, if actions speak louder than words"

Generally, the speed with which one answers the door is not deemed as the most reliable measure of love. Especially if you are in the middle of having a poo/on the phone to someone in deep conversation/seeing to a crying child……

rollonthesummer · 07/05/2014 09:17

I don't understand some posts on here. Poster writes that her boyfriend doesn't let her in the house when she's knocking yet would go mad if she did the same. People reply saying that really isn't nice (which it isn't) and wondering why she is trying to get pregnant with someone like that.
OP then gets all defensive saying he's really lovely! If he's really lovely, why would you say any of these things...

He heard me knock and ring

he just has made it abundantly clear that it doesn't matter to him if I'm standing on the doorstep

And now he'll argue back and turn it against me

I could understand if you were pregnant already or had kids with him, but you don't-you have a choice.

If he's really lovely like you say-it's unlikely he would have left you hammering for ages at a door. Or is he really not that lovely? What do you want people to say?!

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 07/05/2014 09:24

I agree with other posters- if my 'DP' treated me like that even once I would think twice about having kids with him. A reasonable man does NOT leave his partner standing on the doorstep deliberately.

Hellokittycat · 07/05/2014 09:24

What was he doing though? Did he tell you? Can understand why he wouldn't answer door straight away if he was bathing kids or wiping a bum etc. did you give him a chance to tell you before you got cross at him??

EverythingCounts · 07/05/2014 09:28

Is this part of a pattern, OP? It must be if it is bothering you so much. How much time do the girls spend with you?

HotSauceCommittee · 07/05/2014 09:28

Don't twist my words out of context, *MaryMillington". Fair enough If he was having a shit though.

MrsCakesPremonition · 07/05/2014 09:33

I hate it when my DH or DCs hammer on the door to be let in. Like it doesn't matter what I am doing, I have to stop instantly. On the toilet, getting dressed, in the garden hanging out laundry, up to my elbows washing up, whatever I'm doing needs to stop right now! It makes me feel like they don't respect me.
Definitely sounds like the op and her dp need a talk.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 07/05/2014 09:41

A person would normally go and let you in- if they were busy they might say ' could you take your keys next time?' in an irritated way. But if he knew she was there ( and it seems likely he did) then this is very unpleasant behaviour indeed.

HotSauceCommittee · 07/05/2014 09:43

Yes, InSpace summed it up correctly.

SaucyJack · 07/05/2014 09:50

I can't decide on this one. Either he's a straight forward arsehole or you have form for staging these little scenes to try and distact his attention away from his main priority. Most people would just have taken their keys with them in the first place.

Don't have a baby tho.

SaucyJack · 07/05/2014 09:51

His main priority being his children.

rollonthesummer · 07/05/2014 09:56

or you have form for staging these little scenes to try and distact his attention away from his main priority. Most people would just have taken their keys with them in the first place.

That sounds possible, actually. Have a single key cut and put it in the pocket of your gym bag then none of this would have happened.

If he is as unpleasant as you've made him sound, though-I'd be making a GP appointment to get the pill and be finding myself a new boyfriend.

diddl · 07/05/2014 10:11

I don't get why you didn't take keys tbh.

Presumably you have your own?

Did he know that you didn't have them?

All that said he sounds horrible if he gets angry & hammers on the door when he doesn't have his keys.

gotthemoononastick · 07/05/2014 10:29

Run little Icy,run far away.He is looking for a helper with HIS kids.This unpleasant behaviour will surface forever when there is a choice to be made.Too much baggage as my adult children would say.

Waltermittythesequel · 07/05/2014 10:35

Run little Icy,run far away.He is looking for a helper with HIS kids

What???

HE was with his dc, not asking her to be!

This thread has mental leap taking all over it.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 07/05/2014 10:54

It irritates me when someone bangs on the door when they could very easily have taken their keys, but I wouldn't dream of ignoring repeat knocking, phone calls etc. However the OP says she told him on the way out, if it was going be that much trouble he could have asked her to take them as he was likely to be busy when he got back. By not saying anything it was reasonable for her to expect that he would let her back in. Always taking the keys could solve this particular issue but there may well be more to it.

diddl · 07/05/2014 11:42

"However the OP says she told him on the way out,"

Missed that bit.

I don't really get why an adult would deliberately not take keys tbh.

Then again, if you really think that he would deliberately ignore you, why are you with him?