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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Left outside like a lemon

94 replies

icy121 · 06/05/2014 20:19

Went to the gym (go me!) didn't take keys as walking. Told OH this on way out. Got back. Knocked on door. Rang phone numerous times. Knocked again. Rang mobile. Knocked. Eventually (5, 6 mins?) he comes down looking pissy. He had been up with his kids from ex-wife.

"I was with the girls"

The girls are 6 and 8. Not babies.

"You could have taken your keys"

I countered with (the truth) that when he's locked out he goes mad, hammering the door, getting angry etc.

I'm fucking seething! Feels so belittling to be made to wait outside, it takes 30 seconds to open te door.

Excaccerbated by fact I'm trying to get pregnant, so I am possibly over-reacting, and to date it's not going well so just feels extra-excluding. "Me and the girls matter more, you stand on the doorstep waiting"

Arsehole.

OP posts:

HicDraconis · 07/05/2014 15:45

plants I don't leave my children unsupervised in the bath, no. I'm not always in the same room as them but I'm on the same floor of the house if they're in the bath and talking to them (normally while I sort laundry but occasionally I'll sit on the bathroom floor and natter to them if there's nothing else needing doing upstairs).

I have no issues with anxiety or risk strategising thank you :)

Youdontneedacriminallawyer · 07/05/2014 15:52

What was he doing with his kids? If he was in the middle of a bed time routine, might be fair enough - wanted to finish a chapter or something.

Does he have his kids all the time, or only see them occasionally. If he only sees them now and again, then yes, on those occasions they may be more important than you. But you'll be more important sometimes too. In any family sometimes DP comes first, sometimes kids come first, sometimes work comes first, and sometimes not very often I come first.
You're an adult - suck it up!

edamsavestheday · 07/05/2014 16:10

OP rang and knocked pretty constantly - I'd have been pissed off and grumpy by the time I got downstairs in her dp's shoes. Very irritating, when you cannot get to the door any faster, to have someone hammering on the door, let alone calling repeatedly as well.

"Got back. Knocked on door. Rang phone numerous times. Knocked again. Rang mobile. Knocked. Eventually (5, 6 mins?) he comes down looking pissy. He had been up with his kids from ex-wife."

CrispyFern · 07/05/2014 17:51

If I was brushing my DD's teeth and my partner rang at the door, I'd not drop the brush to the floor and run. I'd finish what I was doing. Then go. I'd only take a moment.

If they hadn't bothered to take their keys in the first place and they knocked AND rang the bell before I could finish and get to the door, then rang the phone and knocked on and on, I'd take my sweet time to be honest. Tooth hygiene would become very important.

MistressDeeCee · 07/05/2014 17:59

Id hate that. All seems a bit "she should have taken her keys so Im going to punish her by leaving her out on the doorstep. That'll teach her not to disturb me". I mean, why even have this mindset in the 1st place? WHy be so 'precious' ie 'I was with the girls. So what? Beggars belief how some people are just so intent on pointless arguments, they'll do anything to start one.

I don't think you're over-reacting, it was done to annoy you and nobody would like it so I don't see why you should. & I think some have missed the point that when he's locked out he hammers the door and gets angry. Don't let anybody - including him - believe that they are 'more' than you. You have just as much right to get upset and annoyed as anybody else. Its courteous to open the door when your partner is locked out, and not play silly pointscoring control games. Maybe when things have calmed down a little, have a conversation about it.

rinabean · 07/05/2014 18:01

Nothing he was doing took 5 or 6 minutes. Are you all doing the incompetent fathers thing so you can berate her for not falling over herself to Support A Good Father? Nothing he was doing took 5 or 6 minutes, no way.

What's wrong with saying his kids are by his ex wife? They are! You get threads on here like "I beat my step child to death and now my weird controlling husband and his crazy ex are upset" and everyone's like "stop jumping on her just because she's a stepmother!!!!" but seriously, why are you jumping on her because they're not her children? Nothing about this situation would be better if the kids were hers too? What does it matter?

You can show you prioritise your children without literally leaving your girlfriend locked outside the house you know.

If someone has time to ring the phone many times, knock the door many times, yes you're taking too long.

He's not a good man OP.

diddl · 07/05/2014 18:06

He says he didn't hear you but you obv don't believe him.

You also call him an arsehole.

Lta!

DioneTheDiabolist · 07/05/2014 18:16

So much drama about getting through the front door. You two need to take your keys when you go out of the house OP, such a small thing will improve your lives.

parentalunit · 07/05/2014 19:15

YANBU he doesn't sound very nice.

giggleshizz · 07/05/2014 19:33

'his kids' 'by ex wife'!!!

I would massively reconsider having a child with this man if that is your sentiment. If you are trying for a baby I'm going to assume that you've been together for a while which by now would make the girls your dsds whether you like it or not.

You sound quite detached from them tbh. These children will be your child's half sibling.

steff13 · 07/05/2014 20:07

YABU for not taking your keys.

I'd not be in any hurry to get to the door the next time he leaves his keys, however.

Is "left outside like a lemon," a common saying there? It's funny.

sykadelic · 07/05/2014 20:20

Get a hiding key rock/plant thing.

Why lock the door after you'd left? Do you live in a dangerous area? Couldn't you have left it open?

Could you leave a back window unlocked?

Could you get one of those keyless entries where you enter a pin code or swipe a finger instead?

Get a chair so you can sit comfortably while waiting?

Leave a key with a neighbour?


I admit if we locked our doors and I was "locked out" and I knew my DH was inside I too would feel a little shitty (depending on the weather)... but I would also know, for 100% sure, that he didn't leave me out there to "put me in my place"...

I wouldn't LTB, but I'd definitely rethink kids before I had them with someone I feel doesn't respect me (self-esteem issues or no, you still should feel loved and supported). I also think that you have an issue with his children, and him prioritizing them over you... and you REALLY need to deal with your feelings about that before your have a baby with him because I think you'll feel even worse when you "feel" like he's prioritizing his "other family" over his "new family".

RiverTam · 07/05/2014 20:34

I would not be having children with this man, a) because he sounds disrespectful of you and b) because you sound disrespectful of his children.

Why the op left her keys is irrelevant - she told her DP that she had, presumably if it was a problem he could have spoken up then - no point in saying she should have taken her keys after the event. And the fact that he would get in a rage if it was him left on the doorstep is alarming.

But I would be interested to know what the OP's relationship is like with the children, who are, if they are living together, in effect her DSDs.

RussianBlu · 07/05/2014 22:46

Poor children having to listen to you hammering on the door and ringing constantly. I wonder if he doesn't get to see them much and wanted to try and enjoy time with them before you got back and interrupted time with the ex wife's children.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/05/2014 09:14

So many people blaming the OP, saying she should have taken her keys!!! Why the bloody hell shouldn't DP just let her in??!!!

HotSauceCommittee · 08/05/2014 09:38

I know, InSpace, he's supposed to be her partner.

He's not good enough for you, OP. Not just the door incident, but the whole vibe. Hope you are ok.

SaucyJack · 08/05/2014 17:32

So many people blaming the OP, saying she should have taken her keys!!! Why the bloody hell shouldn't DP just let her in??!!!

Because he's not the butler? And clearly has better things to do with his evening than sit by the door waiting to let her in the second she rings on the doorbell.

It might not take long to get up and answer the door (assuming you're not mid-shit), but it's even quicker to take your keys and just open the door your bloody self. Plus you're not inconveniencing anyone.

Respect cuts both ways.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 08/05/2014 21:27

Not the butler?? Blimey, I didn't know opening your front door amounted to servitude! Me and hubby open the door for each other all the time

DioneTheDiabolist · 08/05/2014 21:45

By the time OP's partner opened the door she was "seething". By the time she opens the door for him he has gone "mad". Maybe their doorbell hates them. Maybe it deliberately waits before making a noise in the home. Maybe it's trying to split them up. Maybe they're a couple of drama llamas.

Regardless, it would all be solved by taking keys when leaving the house. This also is useful if one party wants to go out somewhere before the other gets back or to deal with an emergency. Carrying your own keys is brilliant and a simple solution to all OP's and her DH's door answering woes.

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