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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Left outside like a lemon

94 replies

icy121 · 06/05/2014 20:19

Went to the gym (go me!) didn't take keys as walking. Told OH this on way out. Got back. Knocked on door. Rang phone numerous times. Knocked again. Rang mobile. Knocked. Eventually (5, 6 mins?) he comes down looking pissy. He had been up with his kids from ex-wife.

"I was with the girls"

The girls are 6 and 8. Not babies.

"You could have taken your keys"

I countered with (the truth) that when he's locked out he goes mad, hammering the door, getting angry etc.

I'm fucking seething! Feels so belittling to be made to wait outside, it takes 30 seconds to open te door.

Excaccerbated by fact I'm trying to get pregnant, so I am possibly over-reacting, and to date it's not going well so just feels extra-excluding. "Me and the girls matter more, you stand on the doorstep waiting"

Arsehole.

OP posts:

rollonthesummer · 07/05/2014 11:58

Went to the gym (go me!) didn't take keys as walking.

How heavy are your keys!?

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 07/05/2014 12:30

Getting pregnant won't make your insecurity or self-esteem issues disappear overnight. Before ttc maybe you should learn how to like and value yourself? I am not saying, do this for DP, I suggest you do this for yourself. Have a look at the BACP website www.bacp.co.uk/seeking_therapist/right_therapist.php.

He may not have heard you initially above the squealing that 6 and 8 yo girls can make. He may have misjudged the time and thought you were a cold caller. But I'm surprised he didn't answer either phone so can see why you were annoyed. For someone you say is so intelligent he handled that situation poorly.

If you do get pregnant by him, when the baby does arrive s/he will be half sibling to the girls. Before then you are going to have to endure a lot more cosy Dad + DDs' time. Feeling like you're excluded isn't how I'd hope you would be on the eve of planning something as important with this man as a baby.

Lemongrab · 07/05/2014 12:43

Red flags?
Ltb?
Op's life with him will be horrible?

Erm, all because he didn't immediately answer the door? Maybe he simply didn't hear the ringing/knocking straight away? Maybe he was engrossed in spending time with his children?

Why is everyone assuming he deliberately left her on the doorstep?

matildasquared · 07/05/2014 12:45

It sounds like you're not getting along and this is just the tip of the iceberg.

What on earth is the key thing about? If you knew he was with the girls why not just take your keys with you? It's very reasonable that if he were in the middle of settling the girls it would take him some time to get to the door. That's not "being excluded," that's just the consequence of you deciding to lock yourself out of the house!

And there's some drama of him doing the same and "pounding on the door"?

I've lived with room mates/partners for years and I've never encountered people just leaving the house without a key, locking themselves out, and then expecting someone to be around to let them in. That's nonsense, and really unsafe.

It's sounds like there are other things going on.

rollonthesummer · 07/05/2014 12:50

Why is everyone assuming he deliberately left her on the doorstep?

Lemongrab-the OP says so...

He heard me knock and ring, it takes 30 seconds to dash down and open door, the kids are old enough they can be left?! The fact is he didn't, and I would never do that to him on purpose. If I know he's at the door I rush to open it - cos who wants to be left standing outside like an idiot.He obviously felt that whatever he was doing with the kids was so important he couldn't nip down to answer door. As I said they're not babies! Nothing bad would happen if he'd let me in, he just has made it abundantly clear that it doesn't matter to him if I'm standing on the doorstep.

matildasquared · 07/05/2014 12:56

No, she deliberately locked herself out of the house. It took him five minutes to get to the door because he was looking after two small children, which she knew.

SpeedwellBlue · 07/05/2014 12:56

What was he doing with the kids at the time that he didn't want to break off from? eg. Story, washing their hair etc?

My dh knocks on the door every day even though he has his keys as he can't be bothered to look for them. Is v irritating if i am eating my dinner or something.

MrsCakesPremonition · 07/05/2014 12:59

OP seems very concerned about being seen waiting to be let in. She talk about looking like a "lemon" and an "idiot". So she is clearly anxious about being judged by other people who might see her, which seems odd.

I'm also wondering what he was doing with the children - was it something that could be easily interrupted (watching TV) or were they in the middle of a game/craft project/getting dressed/brushing hair which couldn't be instantly interrupted.

Itsfab · 07/05/2014 13:02

Two OP posts in and I thinking you don't even sound like you like this man, nor he you so definitely don't be having a baby with him. Too much drama going on already.

Whoever said suck up the rough is talking crap. Do not stay with this man because you don't want to be alone. And who said he was more intelligent than you? . He is a controlling bully in my eyes.

"Me and the girls matter more, you stand on the doorstep waiting."

Keeping you in your place..

*WooWoo" he DID say he matters more. ^

BarbarianMum · 07/05/2014 13:07

He didn't specifically leave the OP on the doorstep though did he, he left an unknown caller on the doorstep (unless OP has a special knock). I would certainly ignore the door if I was busy w showers/bedtimes/on the loo myself.

OP I honestly can't work out the dynamic here but if you see things as you competing w the stepkids for attention and judging your self worth on the outcome then please don't get pregnant w this man.

matildasquared · 07/05/2014 13:10

It doesn't sound like a happy home life. Please explain why you can't each just take your keys with you when you go out, otherwise it sounds like you're creating something to fight over.

WanderingTrolley1 · 07/05/2014 13:13

Calm down and breathe!

Stress not good for baby.

CrispyFern · 07/05/2014 13:15

You sound like hard work OP.

rollonthesummer · 07/05/2014 13:16

Stress not good for baby.

There isn't a baby!

WanderingTrolley1 · 07/05/2014 13:45

Nor will there be, roll, with that level of stress (over nothing)!

HicDraconis · 07/05/2014 13:55

I don't think be actually said that "me and the girls matter more" line did he? Just that was how his attitude made op feel.

FWIW I often knock on the door when I come home even if I do have my keys, they're always in the bottom of my bag and it takes me longer to hunt for them than it takes DH to open the door, give me a welcoming kiss and pass me my glass of wine :-) so I knock.

I would also not leave a 6 and/or 8 year old (I have one of each) alone in a bath to answer the door and neither would DH. So it rather depends on what your oh was doing with his daughters at the time.

edamsavestheday · 07/05/2014 13:58

what a drama! I live in a town house so am often on a different floor to the front door - if someone knocks it can take me a couple of minutes to get down, depending on what I'm doing.

You seem to interpret not dropping everything that second and racing to the door as a personal insult. And you say your dp also gets wound up if the door isn't opened immediately. Could you both just take your flipping keys with you in future? And then have a chat and sort out whatever is going on underneath all this?

BranchingOut · 07/05/2014 14:02

You should take keys. Also, yes, if you have spent time getting children settled for the night or are in the middle of bath, hair wash etc then it is quite reasonable to not want to dash down to the door immediately.

My DH used to do this, ask if I could definitely be in or ready to answer the door when he was back from running and get quite moody if i said that i might out, going in the shower or similar. This was because he didn't want keys jangling in his pocket.

It culminated in me getting locked out of the house one day because he had broken apart a set of keys that I normally used in order to take one running and then the necessary key wasn't there when I needed to get in, right before i was setting off to work and needed to get my work things. I ended up wasting the best part of a morning going to his workplace to get another set of keys from him so that I could get inside - then headed straight out to the locksmith to get an additional single key cut so that situation never happened again. Still feel a bit pissed off about it now tbh!

WooWooOwl · 07/05/2014 14:04

*WooWoo" he DID say he matters more. ^

No, he didn't!

The OP just put those words in inverted commas, she does not say that that's what he said. I read that as she think him not dropping everything the second he heard the door was like him saying that.

Which is ridiculous.

Lemongrab · 07/05/2014 14:09

rollonthesummer That paragraph only demonstrates that the OP assumed he deliberately left her on the doorstep. She says he made it 'abundantly clear' that it doesn't matter to him that he left her, but she doesn't say how he made it clear.

She also goes on to say..

Says he didn't hear me banging as was upstairs and door was closed, and would I really think he'd ignore me if he heard me? We'll, yes I would, but that's my self esteem problem.

I just think the poor man is getting a lot of unnecessary stick for frankly, nothing!

monkeymamma · 07/05/2014 14:18

This sounds like a row me and dh would have. (We have a baby together and another one on the way fwiw.) the thing that would pee me off mightily would be the double standard cos he'd be seething if he got locked out (and like you, he leaves his keys at home if going for a run, playing sport etc) but also gets narked if I leave my keys and have to bang on the door. One of the things we always have a row about is me putting the chain on (I do it to stop ds escaping onto busy main road outside, he can operate door handle and lock) cos it means dh then has to ring and knock and wait 'ages' ie two seconds while I come to the door. Hope you feel reassured that this is a fairly normal couple type row!

Waltermittythesequel · 07/05/2014 14:25

ItsFab he didn't actually say they matter more, OP feels like that was implied.

And no one actually told her to suck up the rough either! Or anything remotely like it!

PlantsAndFlowers · 07/05/2014 14:32

Hic you wouldn't leave a 6 or 8 year old alone in the bath?!

I think that sounds pretty extreme, I think they would be safe and you are likely to be causing problems by being over protective/anxious.

EverythingsDozy · 07/05/2014 14:52

Hang on, she said he had her standing there for a good 5/6 minutes. I don't think there are many things that important that can't be dropped for a whole five minutes to open the door for someone.

Five minutes is a long time for someone to be standing at the door for. If I was knocking on somebody's door who I didn't know (say I was the postman or someone!), I think I'd wait 30s - 1 min for someone to answer so that amount of knocking, you'd certainly answer. I would, personally, assume that he was just trying to keep the power over the situation. Obviously that's just my interpretation and probably not what's going on here. But I'd certainly, at worst, be rethinking my relationship and, at best, be rethinking the amount of time it took to open the door to him next time!

matildasquared · 07/05/2014 15:09

He didn't "have her standing at the door"!

Did he forcibly take her keys off her?! No, she decided to lock herself out of her own house, when she knew her partner was looking after the kids.

This thread is nutty.

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