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AIBU?

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Original poster

This makes me feel uncomfortable, what do you think?

102 replies

InspirationFailed · 05/05/2014 20:34

Bit of background.

My dad has a friend (Derek) who is in his 60s. Without being unkind, he's not a young 60 or a handsome 60 more of a chain smoking, denture wearing 60. They met a year ago at a hospital during step mothers treatment for cancer, and bacame friends. He drove step mother to and from hospital, kept them company, did bits of shopping - he was invaluable to them. Unfortunately she passed away 6 months ago, and since then he has been a good friend to my dad. He seems to have become part of their family and seems close to my sister and brother.

I've always thought him a bit odd, and felt slightly uncomfortable around him, although he's ever given me a reason. He's not suggestive or bad mannered, he's friendly enough.

However, he went on a month long holiday to Cambodia about 5 months ago. I thought it was a strange place to go for a holiday and said so to my dad, who said he had gone because he has never been. Derek has a Facebook page and started adding younger (late teens and early 20s) Cambodian women and tagging them in photos etc.

He went again to Cambodia last month and has announced that he has got married. His wife is in her 20s. I was chatting about it to my dad and said that it doesn't seem right, he said that Derek had made a conscious effort to pick a woman who was not in her teens (yuk) and that he really wanted to become a father so he would have someone to leave his money too.

I just think the whole thing is uncomfortable. My dad and I had a slight disagreement about it, he thinks that the lady in question will be glad that she has someone to look after her now, I think that having to have sex with an old man just to put food on the table is disgusting and he's taking advantage. Derek says Cambodia isn't what I'm thinking it is (im imagining a poor country, with a big sex trade industry and sex tourism etc)

His wife will be coming to the UK shortly for a visit and staying with my dad and his family.

It just doesn't feel right and I don't want to be around someone who would buy a wife, but maybe I am just totally wrong about the whole thing.

OP posts:
TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 20:36

Eurgh it's awful.

YANBU.

How do these men do this? They know that these women are only marrying them and giving their bodies to them because they want a better life - and they're okay with that?! How?! I would be sick to my stomach.

WanderingAway · 05/05/2014 20:42

I dont think it is just derek who is in the wrong. This woman will know fully what she is doing. She will know that she is marrying for money and a life in the uk, most probably.

Alliwantisaroomsomewhere · 05/05/2014 20:42

Awful. YANBU. I would not be happy to be in that man's presence at all. poor woman.

TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 20:43

I dont think it is just derek who is in the wrong. This woman will know fully what she is doing. She will know that she is marrying for money and a life in the uk, most probably

I can only imagine how desperate I'd have to me to marry a much older man, have sex with him and father his children - without being in love.

CoffeeTea103 · 05/05/2014 20:45

Well that woman has consented to it so I think they both are equally responsible for their decisions.

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 05/05/2014 20:46

:( poor woman. YAnBU

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 05/05/2014 20:47

Who would consent to such an awful set up unless desperate? Come on!?

AnyFucker · 05/05/2014 20:49

I don't think we can really call that "consent" by the true meaning of the word

OP, I would be disgusted by this man and would spend none of my precious time with him. Are you afraid at all that he might influence your dad ?

Iyatoda38 · 05/05/2014 20:50

If the woman was white from the UK would it be her fault or would she have been 'groomed', 'used' or whatever adjective we use for white girls in these sort of relationships?

UriGeller · 05/05/2014 20:50

Why is Derek's new wife staying with your dad?

I briefly knew a lady in her 30s from Cambodia who had got married to a frankly decrepit man and moved to my home town. She spoke little english, her husband was diagnosed with cancer and quickly succumbed and her late husbands family were very hostile and were contesting her right to inherit and live in the marital home. It was very sad.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 05/05/2014 20:51

It's pretty gross and makes me feel uncomfortable. On the plus side if he's a chain smoker he's likely to die while she's still young enough to have a nice life and enjoy her inheritance.

Rumplestiltskinismyname · 05/05/2014 20:52

Like other Asian countries- sometimes marrying a western guy, moving to the 'promised land' and inheriting money is seen as being more important than being 'in love'. she probably doesn't want your pity- and they both do get something out of it. Derek gets a companion into his old age, and she gets wealth that she most likely wouldn't get otherwise. It is far from ideal, but they are both consenting adults. in fact- it may be nice if you remained friends with Derek and become a friendly face to his new wife. She may well find it tough when she moves over.

If he is kind to her, she may well be very happy- whilst being able to support her extended family back home. As I say- not what we would consider ideal, but they have both consented to this- so perhaps live and let live?

Eebahgum · 05/05/2014 20:53

I'm going to be contraversial now so donning my flame proof hat - I don't actually have a problem with it. They are both adults and have for whatever reason, found something in each other they'd like to commit to in a life partner. For her I suspect it's partly financial, but mainly "security" in the sense of being looked after and providing a better quality of life. For him it's perhaps someone to look after him in the traditional sense - cooking, cleaning, and maybe have children with. Both are less likely to find what they're looking for in their own country/culture. Would you rather they both spent the rest of their days alone than with each other?

KeepOnKeepingOnAndOnAndOnAndOn · 05/05/2014 20:53

Hahah! NoArmani

beershuffle · 05/05/2014 20:53

Its none of your business. She knows what shes doing, she can make her own decisions.

caroldecker · 05/05/2014 20:54

Have any of you thought what life in Cambodia is like for the majority of women? Moving to the UK with Derek may be the best they can get.

RandomMess · 05/05/2014 20:55

There was a husband/wife relationship like this locally to me (can't remember her nationality tbf) she ended up murdering him Shock

Very sad situation all around in the end.

SaucyJack · 05/05/2014 20:56

i think it's pretty patronizing of you to decide she's some starving Third-worlder who's being sexually exploited without having even met her.

Maybe she likes him. Maybe she has dentures or fag breath herself.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2014 20:57

I am not making a judgment about her, I am making a judgment about him

ForeskinHyena · 05/05/2014 20:58

I like Rumple's post.

bluesbaby · 05/05/2014 21:00

As he long as he didn't force her against her will I don't see anything wrong with this.

I'd say most people here in the UK marry for the wrong reasons. There's not many people who marry for love and commitment. Usually there are other reasons that push couples into marrying!

AlexReidsLonelyBraincell · 05/05/2014 21:02

Why is she staying with your dad? Is Derek trying to matchmaker for him too? I find it all a bit creepy tbh.

Original poster
InspirationFailed · 05/05/2014 21:08

I've seen the wedding photos and they are uncomfortable to even view. It's just so wrong, I just keep thinking of this poor lady having to do her 'wifely duties' and it disgusts me that he could think that it's ok, he's got to realise that she isn't attracted to him and I want nothing to do with a man that thinks it's still ok to go ahead and start a family with a relationship like that. She doesn't even speak English other than a few odd words, he's only known her a few weeks, I said to my dad that if he main concern was supporting her financially (as my dad seems to think he's motivated by wanting to help and leave her financially secure when he dies) why not just give her the cash, why bring sex into the equation.

I'm not worried that he will influence my dad really, he's heart broken over his wife. I'm concerned that my dad and the rest of his family don't see a problem with the situation, they seem to think it's some sort of joke 'mail order bride' etc

Who goes to Cambodia on holiday anyway unless it's for the young boys and girls Hmm

OP posts:
Joylin · 05/05/2014 21:11

So he's a lonely old man who wants companionship, kids and someone to leave an inheritance to. His wife is happy to take advantage of that for an upgrade on her own life and presumably that of her family in Cambodia, it's a mutually beneficial deal and I think it's unfair to judge.

Sparrowlegs248 · 05/05/2014 21:12

I saw a Loius Theroux program, I think it was in Thailand but may be wrong. The 'local' men were not at all what the girls wanted from a relationship. They were demanding and abusive. The english men, wealthy in comparison, and much older, were seen as gentlemen who could provide a better life. In a nutshell. The girls aspired to marry an english old man.