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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

This makes me feel uncomfortable, what do you think?

102 replies

InspirationFailed · 05/05/2014 20:34

Bit of background.

My dad has a friend (Derek) who is in his 60s. Without being unkind, he's not a young 60 or a handsome 60 more of a chain smoking, denture wearing 60. They met a year ago at a hospital during step mothers treatment for cancer, and bacame friends. He drove step mother to and from hospital, kept them company, did bits of shopping - he was invaluable to them. Unfortunately she passed away 6 months ago, and since then he has been a good friend to my dad. He seems to have become part of their family and seems close to my sister and brother.

I've always thought him a bit odd, and felt slightly uncomfortable around him, although he's ever given me a reason. He's not suggestive or bad mannered, he's friendly enough.

However, he went on a month long holiday to Cambodia about 5 months ago. I thought it was a strange place to go for a holiday and said so to my dad, who said he had gone because he has never been. Derek has a Facebook page and started adding younger (late teens and early 20s) Cambodian women and tagging them in photos etc.

He went again to Cambodia last month and has announced that he has got married. His wife is in her 20s. I was chatting about it to my dad and said that it doesn't seem right, he said that Derek had made a conscious effort to pick a woman who was not in her teens (yuk) and that he really wanted to become a father so he would have someone to leave his money too.

I just think the whole thing is uncomfortable. My dad and I had a slight disagreement about it, he thinks that the lady in question will be glad that she has someone to look after her now, I think that having to have sex with an old man just to put food on the table is disgusting and he's taking advantage. Derek says Cambodia isn't what I'm thinking it is (im imagining a poor country, with a big sex trade industry and sex tourism etc)

His wife will be coming to the UK shortly for a visit and staying with my dad and his family.

It just doesn't feel right and I don't want to be around someone who would buy a wife, but maybe I am just totally wrong about the whole thing.

OP posts:
turgiday · 05/05/2014 22:31

He is a disgusting man. He is basically paying this woman to be his wife. No decent person buys a wife or husband.

Original poster
InspirationFailed · 05/05/2014 22:33

I hadn't seen that article, but I will happy send a screen shot of his Facebook page to you so you can see that I'm not making anything up. Obviously I will cut out his name.

OP posts:
MelonadeAgain · 05/05/2014 22:38

YANBU. You disapproving of him won't hurt him either. Too many people are afraid of disapproving of people for all the right reasons. You can do your bit, socially, to make him aware that women in the first world don't find buying a very young and probably poor Cambodian wife admirable in the slightest.

What is wrong with him that he cannot meet a woman over here but has to find one who will financially benefit from the arrangement?

I know so many men here who have done similar - its invariably creepy and the stories the Thai women who work in the massage parlours tell me about how controlling and creepy some of their husbands are would turn your stomach!

DH even had a work colleague who married a young Chinese woman he contacted over the internet. She spoke no English so how she understood the marriage ceremony I don't know. He immediately sent her out to work and went part time himself.

Serenitysutton · 05/05/2014 22:43

I think you have to be realistic about how hard it is to enforce laws like that in a country like Cambodia.

Out of interest- I have 3 friends who married in other 1st world countries (US, Switzerland & Portugal) and all of them had to do the "legal bit" at home too. Another friend married here, in moving to the US and her marraige to her American DH isn't recognised in the state and they will have to marry again. Are you sure a wedding ceremony in Cambodia means anything here?

Obviously they could just nip down to the town hall and sort out the legalities later, but just wondering

MelonadeAgain · 05/05/2014 22:45

I'm also wondering if Derek's new wife has a relative that might want to marry a Western man too - i.e. your Dad.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2014 22:46

Does DelBoy's new wife have any sisters ?

sleepycat · 05/05/2014 22:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
InspirationFailed · 05/05/2014 22:51

I hope not! My dad only lost his wife six months ago and I can't see him being interested in any one else, and he has no money (I don't even think he has a passport).

I'm not sure about the legal side of things. The photos look official, they are taken outside a stone building, with four ladies dressed in traditional looking bright matching outfits and two men (I think) standing either side of them wearing masks. There are no guests on the photos (although the people dressed up could've been guests) just Derek and his wife. He seems to view it as official though, and there are some congratulations messages on his profile page.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/05/2014 22:54

"he has no money"

it's all relative, innit

Caitlin17 · 05/05/2014 22:55

If this is real I agree with Sabrina about the whole set-up being odd.

If this is real I thought our immigration rules were getting much stricter in allowing foreign spouses the right to reside in the UK.

UncleT · 05/05/2014 22:58

Not unreasonable, as a bloke it sure makes me uncomfortable too.

Original poster
InspirationFailed · 05/05/2014 22:59

I have sent you a PM AnyFucker, I hope you don't mind. I just wanted to send 'proof' to someone that I haven't made anything up and I know you are a long term poster.

OP posts:
spatchcock · 05/05/2014 23:00

I have a very good friend from that part of the world. She is 26 and her British husband is 63. My friend is sublimely happy and adores her husband, and the dynamic between them is good. She comes from a very poor background, I haven't really gone into the hows and whys with her but I know her sister went into prostitution to feed the family. So I don't blame her, or him. It can work, I hope it will for Derek's wife, too.

IDontDoIroning · 05/05/2014 23:15

I can understand how you feel uncomfortable. This man is hardly lifelong friends with your dad and has sought out his family and ingratiated himself into it.

Lending him money, his car he really is building up a big bank of goodwill.

It might be that he genuinely is a nice guy or it might be that he is grooming your dad and the rest of his family.

I can't understand why the wife is going to stay with your dad not him in his house.

WooWooOwl · 05/05/2014 23:29

I appreciate that 'derek' could be a pervy old man with an agenda, but is it really that beyond the realms of possibility that he was just lonely, made a friend and wanted to be generous?

Then found himself a partner the best way he knew how?

Maybe I'm naive to want to see the best in people but I don't think it should be automatically assumed that there is some sinister motive here just because he's an older single guy.

As long as he treats his new wife well, I don't see what's so bad about it.

theeternalstudent · 05/05/2014 23:38

I'm sorry but I'm very worried for your family especially your dad and your sister. They are in a very vulnerable position right now. Be very careful OP.

Is there any way that you can persuade your dad not to let them stay with him for the 3 weeks that she is over?? Why would a newly wed couple want to do that when they have their own home?

I think you are right to protect your children from him. I can't quite explain what is so worrying but it just sounds so intense and complicated in such a short time whilst you are all still grieving.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 06/05/2014 00:38

I'm amazed people are so blasé about what is clearly a dirty old man taking advantage of a woman who likely must have 2 'choices' in life - marry said dirty old man or join the sex trade industry - who knows maybe the sex trade industry is how he obtained her. Marrying Derek, like a pp said, is not a choice in the true sense of the word. And he is not a lonely innocent simply looking for a life partner, he is fuelling a morally bankrupt setup in a less developed country for his own sexual and selfish means and creating a market for these poor women to lead a shitty "it's the best ill ever do" style life.

Anyhow OP I sympathise, I guess there's not much you can do except make her feel welcome and keep your distance from Derek otherwise. Try to find a balance between letting your dad know you're uncomfortable with Derek's choice and not bashing him over the head with what you think, as he is recently widowed and probably looking for friends to fill his time with.

Without being blunt or presumptuous (trying to read between the lines a bit here) are you worried your dad may be tempted to follow suit now your stepmum has passed away (if not no offence meant at all I'm just taking a guess!)

AnandaTimeIn · 06/05/2014 00:48

Yea, that, s how it goes, sadly enough..

LibraryMum8 · 06/05/2014 04:16

Honestly if he was some old craggy physician or lawyer and married a 20 year old everyone would think them both lucky.

Everything is relative. That craggy old physician is Also 'paying' to bop the 20 year old!!

JonesRipley · 06/05/2014 04:26

I think i would feel as you do OP.
And I think I'd feel it reflected a bit poorly on my own dad if he didn't see a problem with it.

Springheeled · 06/05/2014 07:03

It's astonishing to see so many people defending or justifying this. There's a couple like this near me.
Men like this make me sick. The poverty and inequality in this world makes me sick. The sexism that puts women at the bottom of the pile and the lowest of the low makes me sick. How can anyone justify an elderly western man buying a far younger woman living in a poorer country and say 'oh they both get something out of it' buying another human is slavery fgs!
OP, you don't have to like Derek or support his choices and it's disappointing your dad has made friends with him. Just say your piece and keep your distance.

sebsmummy1 · 06/05/2014 08:15

Many nationalities have their own ex pat communities nearby or religious organisation. If you are concerned for her then maybe you can google and see if there are some local organisations you can press into her hand when she comes over to this country.

If I could see into the future I would guess Derek might come out of this worse off than his wife down the line. I am sure she is not the first Cambodian girl to marry a British man on her country and if she has any sense she will be well versed in the best way to unlink ties once she gets here and gets settled.

AnyFucker · 06/05/2014 08:16

I would judge the craggy physician with the 20yo too

I do wish people would stop making assumptions that the distaste felt on this thread is purely conditional. It is not.

Alisvolatpropiis · 06/05/2014 09:19

Library

I don't think they would.

My DP is 19 years older than me, not a small gap. He has had comments about being "lucky" (they don't have to live with me though Grin).

But 40 year age gap? They are just flat out weird at best. Exploitative at worst.

MNHQ
YetAnotherHelenMumsnet · 06/05/2014 12:26

FYI there was a post upthread deleted for troll-hunting, however it did contain an interesting link that is being referred to on the thread, so if anyone's wondering who 'the doctor' is, he appears on this link