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Original poster

This makes me feel uncomfortable, what do you think?

102 replies

InspirationFailed · 05/05/2014 20:34

Bit of background.

My dad has a friend (Derek) who is in his 60s. Without being unkind, he's not a young 60 or a handsome 60 more of a chain smoking, denture wearing 60. They met a year ago at a hospital during step mothers treatment for cancer, and bacame friends. He drove step mother to and from hospital, kept them company, did bits of shopping - he was invaluable to them. Unfortunately she passed away 6 months ago, and since then he has been a good friend to my dad. He seems to have become part of their family and seems close to my sister and brother.

I've always thought him a bit odd, and felt slightly uncomfortable around him, although he's ever given me a reason. He's not suggestive or bad mannered, he's friendly enough.

However, he went on a month long holiday to Cambodia about 5 months ago. I thought it was a strange place to go for a holiday and said so to my dad, who said he had gone because he has never been. Derek has a Facebook page and started adding younger (late teens and early 20s) Cambodian women and tagging them in photos etc.

He went again to Cambodia last month and has announced that he has got married. His wife is in her 20s. I was chatting about it to my dad and said that it doesn't seem right, he said that Derek had made a conscious effort to pick a woman who was not in her teens (yuk) and that he really wanted to become a father so he would have someone to leave his money too.

I just think the whole thing is uncomfortable. My dad and I had a slight disagreement about it, he thinks that the lady in question will be glad that she has someone to look after her now, I think that having to have sex with an old man just to put food on the table is disgusting and he's taking advantage. Derek says Cambodia isn't what I'm thinking it is (im imagining a poor country, with a big sex trade industry and sex tourism etc)

His wife will be coming to the UK shortly for a visit and staying with my dad and his family.

It just doesn't feel right and I don't want to be around someone who would buy a wife, but maybe I am just totally wrong about the whole thing.

OP posts:
NoArmaniNoPunani · 05/05/2014 21:12

Cambodia is an amazing country with loads to see. Plenty of people go there for non sleazy reasons.

I'm sure she'll just grin and bear the sex while thinking 'he'll be dead soon' and planning how to spend her inheritance. If his health isn't great he might not be able to manage it much anyway

Anchorage · 05/05/2014 21:13

Love is a first world luxury. I'd not be surprised if people were angry about the inequality of choice, or the inequality of wealth, and I'd be reassured if people campaigned about the international ownership of natural resources that holds countries in poverty. But a sad old man taking the only option available to him? And a woman choosing a comfortable life above a less comfortable one? Nah. Life's too short to worry about that.

FWIW its not always an economic decision. When I worked in Tokyo in the 90s many wealthy middle class Japanese women pursued (blatantly) my western ex-pat colleagues, because western men had a reputation for treatsing their wives as equal, and being kind to them and sharing their wealth openly and freely with them. And those marriages i know of have all lasted. The only discomfort I felt was when the wives often deferred to western visitors to their homes and some times behaved as if they felt themselves to be inferior. That would last for years, and only really fell away when the children started to arrive.

Original poster
InspirationFailed · 05/05/2014 21:15

I have no idea why they (Derek is staying too) with my dad for a couple of weeks, he has his own house about an hours drive away from my dad. It's not like they have extra room at my dads either. I don't know where they are going to sleep!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/05/2014 21:16

Yes indeedy. If this seedy altruistic old man really wanted to help this lady and her family back in Cambodia, why not simply gift her his money ?

Eebahgum · 05/05/2014 21:18

Out of interest, if you are of the opinion she will have to force herself to perform wifely duties - do you equate love and attraction with physical appearance? I am generally more attracted to people who are kind, caring etc than attractive men who have shitty personalities. If he treats her well, who is to say she won't be attracted to him?

beershuffle · 05/05/2014 21:18

Agree its incredibly patronising of you, not to mention eurocentric and more than a little naive.

Backtobedlam · 05/05/2014 21:19

This happens here to though, it's just the younger woman is labelled a 'gold digger'. There are plenty of celebraties who have much younger wives and it's not considered a bad thing. As long as it's consensual and this woman is being forced into it then it's up to them.

Redglitter · 05/05/2014 21:21

Hes got to realise shes not attracted to him? ??

Says who. How do you know she isnt.
Ok it doesnt sound like a match made in heaven but they're both adults. They might both be quite happy with what they get from the arrangement

Let them get on with it. It's really noones business but theirs

thecatfromjapan · 05/05/2014 21:21

I'd be uncomfortable too.
There's an outside chance he went to Cambodia because of its fascinating history and it's beauty (both these reasons are very possible) and it's possible that this marriage is not a prettied up example of Fahd global sex trade - but your instincts are telling you that Derek has essentially bought a woman. That would make me uncomfortable too

matildasquared · 05/05/2014 21:23

I was chatting about it to my dad and said that it doesn't seem right, he said that Derek had made a conscious effort to pick a woman who was not in her teens.

I'm so sorry. This is horrifying that your Dad has elected to let someone like this become practically part of your family.

No, there's nothing you can do about it but you don't have to pretend to be okay with it.

Rumplestiltskinismyname · 05/05/2014 21:24

Do you know how many women- globally- would do anything to live in the UK? Honestly? Do you think that growing old, working the fields in back breaking labour in appalling housing conditions, with unpredictable weather conditions (and therefore incredibly risky crop growth)- and poor healthcare is preferable to being looked after by some old codger?

And in Derek's defence- who wants to grow old, alone, without someone you trust to care for you? Did anyone watch panorama this week? I'd pay for a lifelong companion- rather than being abandoned in a nursing home with no security over who is going to care for me, and how they'll care for me. This is not uncommon, and yes- as long as he doesn't coerce her into sex then actually is still consensual. As I said below- it isn't how we view our 'ideal' scenario- but when is life ever so easy?

thecatfromjapan · 05/05/2014 21:27

"Consent". Such a small, yet tricky, word.
In the early industrial revolution, mill workers consented to be flogged for not working fast enough - or they could starve to death.
Children consented to work in mines that were unsafe - or starve to death.
They are still doing that in many countries.
Women consent to sell sex or ...
Free choice and consent are very slippery terms in a financially unequal world.

ThisIsLID · 05/05/2014 21:27

I have a friend who did something similar to that. He actually really was in love with her. She was 'too old' (in cambodian terms) too get married so in some ways was lucky to have found 'a man'.
It ended up in a disaster.
She refused to learn english at all so had very limited conversation. She waited and was a real pain in the mean time until the marriage was considered 'serious' to say she wanted divorce and to get back to her country... with nearly half of his assets!
He lost a LOT there.

travailtotravel · 05/05/2014 21:28

Lots of reasons to go to Cambodia that are not related to the sex trade. It's a fantastic place and tourist dollars help a country that has had a very fractured past to rebuild itself.

I find the idea revolting personally, but both sides get benefit and for both of them it is a smart business transaction. Try and help her get English lessons and the like when she gets here so she can be more comfortable. All the cambodians I met were lovely and very genuine people and the food is delicious, so you could ask her to show you how to cook some as a friendly overture.

Or you could ignore it.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 05/05/2014 21:28

What's to say his wife won't put him in a nursing home in a few years?
And I think the idea that Derek is only paying for companionship is a bit naive. He's paying to fuck a 20year old.

WooWooOwl · 05/05/2014 21:30

I can see why you're uncomfortable, the whole thing is pretty distasteful. But I don't see what makes him any worse than her.

He's using her for companionship and sex, she's using him for money and probably a passport.

They are both exploiting each other for what they can get for themselves, and as long as they're both in agreement, then it's their business.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2014 21:31

If pervy old guy was seriously concerned about the plight of female paddy field workers in Cambodia, he would donate money to a relevant charity not coerce desperate young women to suck his flagging cock for the price of her family's security.

Sicaq · 05/05/2014 21:34

Yuck. For balance, my 70 year old father considers men like Derek to be dirty old perves and refuses to be in their company.

Snowfedup · 05/05/2014 21:35

I felt so uncomfortable in Bangkok watching the older European men buying dinner for their chosen prostitute(s) it seemed to be part of the bargain that they would feed them first often sitting just watching them eat!

The young girls fawned over the men as if they were gods and it was clear that they aspired to more than just a few nights.

I knew a couple like derek and his wife locally and she rarely left the house, didn't drive, no job and little money as he had a low paid job and had to support her and their children, it just all seemed so sad.

SaucyJack · 05/05/2014 21:36

I "use" my partner for companionship and sex. I thought that was the point of getting married?

Original poster
InspirationFailed · 05/05/2014 21:36

He could I suppose want companionship, but he's chosen a young lady specifically because he wants to get her pregnant, he hasn't chosen a conpanion, a friend, someone to grow old with, he's chosen an attractive incubator for his heir.

I don't want to avoid being around my dad, he's not in a good place at the moment, but I don't want to be around Derek, he makes me feel sick to be honest. I don't want him around my younger sister (who is in her early 20s but has a mental age of 13) as it seems to be that he's the type of man to think nothing of taking advantage of a vulnerable young woman. Which is very judgemental but it gives me the creeps.

OP posts:
stilllivingbythesea14 · 05/05/2014 21:37

Marriage and love don't have to be the same thing. I know many women with arranged (not forced) marriages and honestly don't see the issue.

NoArmaniNoPunani · 05/05/2014 21:40

I "use" my partner for companionship and sex. I thought that was the point of getting married?

Perhaps it is for you and your partner. I married for love

TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 21:40

I think it's quite difficult really because they're both using each other, from the outset it would seem he is using her for sex and companionship, whilst she is using him for money and citizenship.

But I'm not keen on the idea of anyone using someone for sex

OscarWinningActress · 05/05/2014 21:43

Oh, Ewwwwwww. Trust your instincts. This is gross.

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