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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

to be angry with exH for feeding our daughter so much sugar?

144 replies

spottymog · 04/05/2014 23:10

Dd is 5 and has regular trips to the dentist to put varnish on 3 teeth as the dentist is trying to avoid having them filled/removed. We've been told to limit dds sugar intake to prevent this. ExH didn't listen at first, so I got him to come along to a dentist appointment and hear it first hand. He knows as well as I do that fillings/removal at 5 is far from ideal and will most likely make dd extremely fearful of the dentist as she already hates it.

However, he continues to feed her a ton of sugar. Here, she drinks only water and milk and the only sugar she gets is from fruit plus a fortnightly helping of sweets or chocolate at the cinema. There, she drinks Ribena and Coke, plus McDonald's milkshakes, eats sugary breakfast cereals, has sweets several times per day, cake after lunch and dinner and this weekend has also had an icecream each day, candyfloss, an Easter egg each day etc. He doesn't brush her teeth or encourage her to at least try to.

Aibu to be angry that he keeps feeding her so much sugar when he's aware it'll end in pain for dd? She's too young to take responsibility for herself, though I've explained the consequences. Her mood is also terrible when she returns, no doubt as a result of the come down from so much sugar. My friend thinks I am being unreasonable as exH only has her eow and thinks if I'm making her disciplined and brushingher teeth the rest of the time then it's fine. However, she easily has a fortnights worth of sugar in one of his weekends which I think is certainly not on. Aibu?

OP posts:
Lulu1083 · 05/05/2014 20:36

I have done my research thank you sweetz, maybe you should too, because then you would see that you can be within a 'normal weight' range, and have fatty organs which will increase the risk of diabetes and (as a wise pp pointed out) heart disease etc. So it's not all about being overweight. It's really not difficult.

SweetDreamz1 · 05/05/2014 20:39

That's a good tip for the OP Scooby

TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 20:42

sweet We didn't have loads but I remember having treats and stuff, I remember one phase we lived off jam sandwiches because my parents were so skint so I'm sure they had a load of sugar in them ha.

Luckily I'm not much of a sugar person... give me crisps though and I'll eat them till I'm sick Blush

SweetDreamz1 · 05/05/2014 20:43

Were your parents strict on teeth brushing?

TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 20:44

Nope, I used to pride myself on being able to sneak to bed without brushing them.

Y'know I didn't remember that until just this second, thanks for bringing back the memories haha

SweetDreamz1 · 05/05/2014 20:47

You must have genetically good teeth Smile

Hope you pass it on when you have kids

TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 20:50

Me too, thanks

spottymog · 05/05/2014 21:35

I too think taking him to the dentist for him to explain the damage and potential consequences should've been enough, but yes I've had serious talks with him too about teeth and diet and he ignores me. If anything, he probably increases the amount of sugar/crap he feeds her afterwards because he knows she's restricted here and thinks it'll cause her to resent me.

Dds version of brushing her teeth is putting a bit of toothpaste on her tongue so her breath smells minty and running the water for a bit. She doesn't do it properly at all, even supervised, so I do it for her. I've explained she needs to take care of her teeth but when she's asked him to brush them for her he's told her not to worry or bother.

Dd is verging on overweight and my mum is diabetic so that is a big concern of mine, too. Again, I have explained to exH and he says 'my daughter, my rules' and does the direct opposite of whatever I've suggested. I know it's not enough to reduce contact for but I really do think such a blatant disregard for her health should be seen as a form of neglect.

OP posts:
TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 21:41

IMO is a form of neglect. Parents are now getting into trouble for abuse for letting their children become obese, this is the same sort of issue I think.

spottymog · 05/05/2014 21:45

How do I stop it though, Tequila? He'll happily reel off everything he's fed her to me but to anyone else I'm sure it's fresh homecooked delights Hmm

OP posts:
TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 21:47

I have no idea and I really wish I could help you. He sounds like a right childish irresponsible sod.

Have you let her know that eating like that is wrong, or do you not want to get into that with her whilst she is so young?

Have you mentioned to him that she's gaining weight and is at a high risk of diabetes, explain to him what it will be like if he has to manage her diet if she gets diabetes?

wheresthelight · 05/05/2014 21:49

Are you sure he is telling the truth and not just rebelling about your slightly unreasonable attitude towards him? from your posts you sound like you are trying to control a little too much wrt his tome with his dd and he may just be pushing your buttons iyswim

rookiemater · 05/05/2014 21:53

Seriously I'd try backing off a bit on discussion of the food with him - it sounds like it is having the opposite effect, so stop talking about it and see what happens.

I repeat what I said earlier, keep pushing the tooth brushing to both of them. Your DD eating the toothpaste is not ideal - but at least it's better than not having any toothpaste at all at your Exhs.

SweetDreamz1 · 05/05/2014 21:53

What was he like with DD before you split up? Did he ever prepare any of her meals or take her out on his own?

SweetDreamz1 · 05/05/2014 21:58

He'll happily reel off everything he's fed her to me but to anyone else I'm sure it's fresh homecooked delights

Is he punishing you in some way?

UncleT · 05/05/2014 22:01

'My daughter my rules'?? What a total prick. There's two parents here, and frankly neither of you know more about the issue than the medical professional who advised you both anyway. Bloody hell.... What a jerk.

spottymog · 05/05/2014 22:09

Sweet he hates me because I left him for being a vile abusive bully. He had absolutely nothing to do with dd before we split, he told me to abort her then treated us both like crap to punish me for not doing so.

wheres I don't think me not wanting him to damage dds health is controlling, personally. Dd also says what she's eaten and has the bad mood from sugar and poorly tummy afterwards to prove it.

Tequila she knows how to make healthy choices here but if all she's offered is pizza/McDonalds etc, she's hardly going to hold out for something nutritious. She's only 5 at the end of the day, it really shouldn't be an issue for her to consider.

OP posts:
TequilaMockingbirdy · 05/05/2014 22:26

Yes of course you're right, just thought it might be worth a mention so she knows from a young age that that sort of eating isn't the norm

SweetDreamz1 · 05/05/2014 22:27

Sounds like a deeper issue than her just being fed sugary crap. If he is a bully then he will listen to nobody.

He is punishing you then Sad and ultimately your DD

You can only then restrict what sugar you give her, increase tooth brushing when she gets back from seeing ex and try and educate her the best you can. The pizza and McDonalds doesn't sound too bad at twice a month but obviously the sugary stuff is of concern

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