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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed, flatmate and boyfriend

98 replies

Banoffeepiefan · 04/05/2014 16:54

I live with two lovely girls in a flatshare in London. Recently one has got her first boyfriend - she is mid twenties, myself and the other flatmates are ten years older, relevant because maybe I'm just not being very sympathetic to the excitement of first love - and this week he has been here three evenings already and it looks like he is planning to be here tomorrow as well. Stayed last night and has been here all day.

It's a tiny flat. Just about fine for three, not fine for four. No lounge so our shared space is the kitchen, which they stayed in all afternoon and now are making plans to cook a three course dinner in tonight.

I'm normally very relaxed about this sort of thing, but I feel like he is here a LOT and in past houses we had a lot more space so less of an issue when a friend's boyfriend came from out of town to stay for a couple of weeks etc. I've always had friends and partner over but only one or two nights a week.

They have only just become an item. I don't want him unofficially moving in and staying here half the bloody week, but don't want to say anything right now in case I'm leaping to conclusions or being mean.

How can I nip this in the bud or AIBU?

OP posts:
matildasquared · 04/05/2014 16:57

No, you're not being unreasonable. A sneaky sleepover is one thing, staying all day and night is not okay.

If that's the kind of thing she wants to do, she can live alone. Imagine if all three of you had boyfriends hanging out all day?

Just tell her it's too crowded.

magimedi · 04/05/2014 16:58

Talk to her & your other flatmate about it? Only way forward is to communicate.

specialsubject · 04/05/2014 17:03

common problem at this age when many people don't think (dread to think what I was like)

polite but firm explanation that the flat is just too small for this, and kitchen-hogging is a no-no. This is how it has to be in house shares.

and you're in London, they can go out and find plenty of free/cheap stuff to do even if it is raining!

quirkychick · 04/05/2014 17:09

When I lived in a flatshare in London we had (more space) but had an agreement that friends/boyfriends were only staying over 2 nights. We usually told each other if visitors were expected as we were working too. I think we were much more lax as students...

You need to have some ground rules. And a discussion too.

whatever5 · 04/05/2014 17:10

Does she stay at his house at all? How long has it been going on for? If only a short while I probably wouldn't say anything but if it continues you will need to talk to her. Either she goes around to his flat more or stays out or she moves out altogether.

Original poster
Banoffeepiefan · 04/05/2014 17:20

Thanks. Glad to see I'm not being a complete unreasonable bitch! I won't bring it up when he's still here, but after he goes (better be by tomorrow evening) I'm definitely going to be having a chat about it.

I think she has only ever lived in student halls and with family before so she probably simply doesn't know. She is a very sweet person, fine to live with in all other aspects and we all get on well so don't want this to spoil the flat harmony!

OP posts:
Trills · 04/05/2014 17:22

Not unreasonable at all to have a group discussion about the "rules".

Remember that one day you might want to have someone to stay over as well, so don't make the rules too harsh!

matildasquared · 04/05/2014 17:22

Why wait till he's gone?

Just do a cheerful, "Okay [boyfriend], time to go home now!" And then work out some ground rules among yourselves re: guests.

Original poster
Banoffeepiefan · 04/05/2014 17:25

Er Trills I do have people to stay - but I don't have them over four evenings a week and counting...

It is a small flat. I already had to send a friendly but firm text message after midnight to ask could they keep it down on Thursday night because they were laughing and talking and playing music. But he did go home then that night.

OP posts:
Original poster
Banoffeepiefan · 04/05/2014 17:27

Matilda, I would hate someone to do that to me! I would be embarrassed in front of the boyfriend. Much prefer if someone took me aside and discussed it privately and we agreed on it between ourselves away from anyone who doesn't live here.

OP posts:
whatever5 · 04/05/2014 17:29

Just do a cheerful, "Okay [boyfriend], time to go home now!" And then work out some ground rules among yourselves re: guests

I think that would be really rude and not a good way to get along with a flatmate.

BackforGood · 04/05/2014 17:35

Agree with Whatever - that would be rude, and not good for flatmate relations.
I think whenever things are annoying in a flatshare - or any other relationship come to that - it's best to tackle them up front, before anything becomes habit. So I would wait until he's gone and then say something about thinking you all need to set some groundrules for all the reasons you say upthread.

Nocomet · 04/05/2014 17:43

DH (then DP) lived in my student flat one weekend in three. He paid his 'rent' by being the only person who could get our shit Hoover to clean.

Otherwise we spent weekends at his bedsit, my parents and, in the holidays, his more distant parents.

Thus I hope our playing lives young dream wasn't too annoying.

CoffeeTea103 · 04/05/2014 17:47

Matilda your approach sounds extremely rude and tactless.Shock
Op I would wait till he's left then speak to her. How does the other flat mate feel about this?

PuppyMonkey · 04/05/2014 18:00

Nah couldn't have done this in my mid thirties but then thank God I don't live in London and had my own place by then. Wink

Original poster
Banoffeepiefan · 04/05/2014 18:15

Other flatmate isn't as irritated as me (I do have pmt!) but then again she stayed in her room all afternoon to avoid having to walk past them in the kitchen in a towel to get to the shower (bathroom is off the kitchen) and was mildly pissed off about that.

OP posts:
matildasquared · 04/05/2014 18:17

Hanging out in someone's kitchen all day is tactless!

It's best to just be cheerful and open about it so everyone knows where everyone stands. They're young enough that they're just not thinking.

peppersaunt · 04/05/2014 18:55

Say something now or 3 nights/week could become 5, leading to new non-rent paying roomie speaks from bitter experience

Caitlin17 · 04/05/2014 19:02

Surely if it is love's young dream they would prefer to stay in her room. I don't mean just for sex but for privacy for all of you.

CityMaybe · 04/05/2014 19:05

They're in her room a good bit Caitlin but branch out into the kitchen to cook for fucking hours

Purplepoodle · 04/05/2014 20:51

My mate had a rule more than three nights and bf pays bills

Sicaq · 04/05/2014 21:02

I had to flat share when I first moved to London - sadly, I soon decided that sharing with couples Does Not Work, and kitchen hogging was a major factor. Anyway, if this three + days a week becomes regular then he is in effect a fourth flat mate and should contribute financially.

Otherwise - agree amongst yourselves how long and how regularly guests may stay. I'd advise no more than 2 nights per week.

Botanicbaby · 04/05/2014 21:27

YANBU at all!!

you def need to agree some rules, it would be a nightmare if you all had people back at the same time and for as often. like the suggestion he pays bills if there more than 3 nights but hopefully it shouldn't come to that.

also don't get why they need to stay in as much in a tiny flat, its not as if there aren't places to go in London. they are perhaps just being a touch inconsiderate and so wrapped up in each other at the moment which will hopefully pass. good luck OP i feel for you and your other flatmate.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 04/05/2014 21:30

I don't understand how it impacts on you particularly? Is there mess? Or can you not get past him?

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 04/05/2014 21:32

Sorry its just i've lived in various house shares of all sizes with boyfriends/girlfriends coming and going and basically living there and its never been an issie for any of us.

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