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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed, flatmate and boyfriend

98 replies

Banoffeepiefan · 04/05/2014 16:54

I live with two lovely girls in a flatshare in London. Recently one has got her first boyfriend - she is mid twenties, myself and the other flatmates are ten years older, relevant because maybe I'm just not being very sympathetic to the excitement of first love - and this week he has been here three evenings already and it looks like he is planning to be here tomorrow as well. Stayed last night and has been here all day.

It's a tiny flat. Just about fine for three, not fine for four. No lounge so our shared space is the kitchen, which they stayed in all afternoon and now are making plans to cook a three course dinner in tonight.

I'm normally very relaxed about this sort of thing, but I feel like he is here a LOT and in past houses we had a lot more space so less of an issue when a friend's boyfriend came from out of town to stay for a couple of weeks etc. I've always had friends and partner over but only one or two nights a week.

They have only just become an item. I don't want him unofficially moving in and staying here half the bloody week, but don't want to say anything right now in case I'm leaping to conclusions or being mean.

How can I nip this in the bud or AIBU?

OP posts:

whatever5 · 04/05/2014 21:35

Hanging out in someone's kitchen all day is tactless!

It's not really on a par in terms of rudeness as telling a flatmate's friend to leave though. It really wouldn't be wise for OP to upset/annoy/embarrass her flatmate if she wants to come to an amicable agreement.

gamerchick · 04/05/2014 21:41

Walk into the kitchen.. stand still and study them for a moment then say 'so, is there any chance you're going to spend some time at [insert boys name] sometime soon then?' Or something to that effect (I would).. it doesn't have to be confrontational but said in a jolly type of way that will plant a seed in their loved up brains.

I can't blame them.. nobody else exists when you're in the first flush of lust

Jolleigh · 04/05/2014 22:30

I find it inconsiderate and I'm similar in age to your flat mate. I'd just pull her aside and let her know that he's there so often that you're sometimes uncomfortable using the communal areas and do also mention that walking around in a towel isn't really comfortable in front of guests though maybe say this came from you rather than the other flat mate

If she still doesn't get it, you may need to then be a bit more blunt.

Original poster

Banoffeepiefan · 04/05/2014 22:32

URGH. At frequent intervals I'm now being treated to the sound of a slap and a little scream as he smacks her on the arse.

THIS CANNOT GO ON. He is seriously doing my head in now. Have just introduced myself to him and asked if he is staying tonight (in a conversational sort of way, along with chatting about our weekends) and he is. This chat will be happening as soon as he bogs off tomorrow. And that fucking better be earlyish in the day so I can stroll into my own shower without having to squeeze past him.

ARGHHH.

OP posts:

matildasquared · 04/05/2014 22:41

Yeah no, you didn't sign up for this.

You need to get hold of this. Seriously, just go in the kitchen all jolly now and say, "Sorry [dude], you can't stay tonight, it's too crowded here. We'll have to all have a talk about guests and things, not your fault. Okay, see you later."

Original poster

Banoffeepiefan · 04/05/2014 22:52

Matilda, I'm approaching that point now and I think if it was a work day tomorrow I'd lose it and do it.

BUT in the interest of good relations, and seeing as it is the bank holiday weekend and I don't need to be up early I'll grit my teeth and have the conversation tomorrow. She is lovely but very innocent and absentminded, he seems like a nice chap.

BuggerLumps, what can I say - it's just annoying in a flat this size. Never had an issue in the other places I lived - all large four bedroomed places with more than one bathroom and all with a lounge and you couldn't hear exactly what people were doing in every corner of the flat from my room...This place is a typical zone 2 shoebox for three people. Four and we're just on top of one another. Fine for an afternoon or an evening but not fine loads of evenings in one week. After letting her know they were too noisy on Thursday night I thought she would have been more aware/ considerate, obviously not!

OP posts:

matildasquared · 05/05/2014 17:16

Tell me he's gone!!!

Original poster

Banoffeepiefan · 05/05/2014 22:05

ARGH.

He's still here. They went out this afternoon. Back now. I couldn't hack it anymore and when she was by herself in the kitchen I said something like "look, what's the story, is he staying tonight again?" and she said no. just collecting his things - and I said that we need to sit down and have a chat but the flat is too small to have partners round four or five days a week. It's too overcrowded, blah blah. She has apologized and now they are holed up in her room.

OP posts:

Botanicbaby · 05/05/2014 23:26

jeez even if he's not staying over tonight (mon) then he's still been there pretty late so you'd be forgiven for thinking you were in for another night of torture.

I'm afraid I would have to be blunt, but remain polite and firm in doing so. Your flatmate and the new b/f are being v.inconsiderate. Don't make excuses for her being young and absent-minded. IME its this type of flatmate who would be first to call you on it if your behaviour impacted upon them.

Selks · 05/05/2014 23:38

I hope he's gone now, OP!

BillyBanter · 05/05/2014 23:43

Different flatshares have different dynamics but in the most easygoing one if a partner is regularly staying more than 3 nights a week then it is their main home and they should become official and pay. If it is not their main home they should not be there that often.

2 nights a week may be acceptable but ideally should be balanced by her staying at his a couple of nights a week too, or alternating weekends at each place - something along these lines. obviously this isn't always feasible.

And any time they are hogging the kitchen (especially as it is the only communal room) to cook a 3 course meal should be by prior arrangement and/or be cooked for everyone.

No, you're not being unreasonable. A sneaky sleepover is one thing, staying all day and night is not okay.

That's ridiculously OTT. It's her home, a flatshare, not a 1900's lodging house for ladies of good repute. She is allowed overnight and daytime guests.

Catsmamma · 05/05/2014 23:46

Article 10, Section 9 may help

Gennz · 06/05/2014 00:10

argh. YANBU - at all! My first flat in London we had this situation. There were 6 of us in a 5 bed flat with 2 bathrooms (DH & I were couple, shared a room, paid more for bills). One flatmate moved his gf in "to stay for a week or two while she found a flat." She was a nice girl and we all liked her, but she stayed for months and then just assumed she was a permanent fixture, never paid extra for bills, was an extra body taking up space in shower, TV room etc. Just so annoying.

The worst thing was they got home from work earlier than the rest of us and would hang out in the front room in the dark, spooning on the only big couch, and monopolising the TV so the rest of us felt like we were interrupting an awkward date night and had to sit of the floor. Grrrrr

BillyBanter · 06/05/2014 00:25

I think in that instance I would have to plonk myself in the middle!

UncleT · 06/05/2014 00:33

YANBU, but try to remember where they're at please. It's a lovely stage but can be perhaps unwittingly rather selfish. You definitely need to have a talk and set the boundaries, but there's no need for rudeness. 'Come on X, time to go' is definitely not cool - very rude and unnecessary. I totally get how annoying it is though - been there twice.

AnandaTimeIn · 06/05/2014 00:41

Just ask him to chip in to the kitty..,

My guess is he won, t

sykadelic · 06/05/2014 00:49

It drives me bonkers to come home to people in my house without me knowing they're there. I'm winding down on the drive home and feel like I have to "perform" almost instead of just relaxing (plus usually I want to vent about my day).

I think there should be a set schedule so you know when he's going to be there, and there needs to be some flexibility for exams etc. So if he's scheduled for a Tuesday but you have an exam on Wednesday or assignment due, he comes Wednesday instead, or skips Tuesday altogether and goes to the next scheduled day.

Basically, you guys need to be kept informed, it's only polite.

parentalunit · 06/05/2014 04:56

Can you take your flatmate to the side and have a gentle word about her boyfriend, while he's in the shower? YANBU and your flatmate is probably blithely unaware of how inappropriate her behavior is.

The >3 nights then you pay bills seems reasonable, but only mention it if you're actually ok with him staying >3 nights. He might move in!

Good luck, hope you get your home back soon!

matildasquared · 06/05/2014 05:31

And he stayed over last night too, didn't he?

I can't believe this guy has basically moved into your place for nearly a week now and people are saying, "Take your roommate aside and have a quiet word--wouldn't want to be rude to a guest..."

I'm not saying shout at him but there's a way to be jolly and direct and unequivocal. "Okay, you two, the rest of us want our house back. [Dude], it's time to go and we'll see you later."

matildasquared · 06/05/2014 05:32

I lived in lots of laid-back house shares and flat shares and everyone knew having a boyfriend stay more than two nights in a row was a piss-take.

whatever5 · 06/05/2014 08:45

I can't believe this guy has basically moved into your place for nearly a week now and people are saying, "Take your roommate aside and have a quiet word--wouldn't want to be rude to a guest..."

People are saying that because OP is not in charge. Her flatmate has equal rights and equal say so negotiations need to be handled carefully or things could get even worse!

Whatever you think, many (most?) people would think it rude if their guest was told to leave by another flatmate and it would therefore be counterproductive e.g. if you say "ok you two, the rest of us want our house back, it's time to go," she might say "you don't have the right order me around and tell me who can and can't visit" and then negotiations could be off.

Original poster

Banoffeepiefan · 06/05/2014 08:57

Well, I'm afraid I let her have it this morning. Told her how unacceptable it is that he is still here especially after saying her was going last night. She said they fell asleep. I just kept reiterating it's a tiny flat and it is not considerate to do this.

They are now in the kitchen swilling breakfast.

We're not students, to the person who thought we were. We are all working. I am working from home today and this is really irritating me now.

OP posts:

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 06/05/2014 09:00

Dear god! Go in and flat out tell him to leave! Does your Landlord have a house of multiple occupancy license?

LostMyPants · 06/05/2014 09:02

Are you all renting? What does your tenancy agreement say about guests?

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 09:04

Time to have it out with her!

I'd have a look at the tenancy agreement, too, some have clauses about guests.

'Look, if you want to live with your boyfriend, you need to give notice.'

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