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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed, flatmate and boyfriend

98 replies

Banoffeepiefan · 04/05/2014 16:54

I live with two lovely girls in a flatshare in London. Recently one has got her first boyfriend - she is mid twenties, myself and the other flatmates are ten years older, relevant because maybe I'm just not being very sympathetic to the excitement of first love - and this week he has been here three evenings already and it looks like he is planning to be here tomorrow as well. Stayed last night and has been here all day.

It's a tiny flat. Just about fine for three, not fine for four. No lounge so our shared space is the kitchen, which they stayed in all afternoon and now are making plans to cook a three course dinner in tonight.

I'm normally very relaxed about this sort of thing, but I feel like he is here a LOT and in past houses we had a lot more space so less of an issue when a friend's boyfriend came from out of town to stay for a couple of weeks etc. I've always had friends and partner over but only one or two nights a week.

They have only just become an item. I don't want him unofficially moving in and staying here half the bloody week, but don't want to say anything right now in case I'm leaping to conclusions or being mean.

How can I nip this in the bud or AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Banoffeepiefan · 06/05/2014 09:07

He's gone!

I hope that is the end of that nonsense now. I was fairly blunt when I spoke to her but it's hard to know if it sank in or if it just went over her head, she kept saying sorry.

Yes, good idea to have a look at the tenancy, I will dig it out.

OP posts:
DeMaz · 06/05/2014 09:12

Tiny or not tiny, the flat size is not the issue! I think it's still inconsiderate to be hogging the kitchen, using your shower etc for days on end! I'd be pissed!!! One or two nights is fine but that's the limit!
Good on you for having it out with her!

UncleT · 06/05/2014 09:16

When you say 'let her have it' does that mean you yelled at her, or simply had a firm word? If the latter - perfectly in order at this stage.

ThatsAStupidUsername · 06/05/2014 09:22

It actually sounds like you dealt with it well. Sometimes it's good to be heartfelt and really show how cross you are. The 'we accidentally fell asleep' line would have really pissed me off.

Original poster
Banoffeepiefan · 06/05/2014 09:22

I didn't yell, but was quite emphatic and blunt - saying it was insconsiderate, that we are all grown ups and I don't want to live like a student, and also not on to not let us know that he was staying again so we didn't know he was going to be there this morning. That sort of thing.

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 09:28

Being firm and clear is definitely the way to go. Dig out the agreement. You and the other flatmate and her sit down.

Tw nights/week MAX totally reasonable with 24 hours advanced notice AND a contribution for leccy. A tenner seems reasonable.

Consideration, too, regarding noise levels.

UncleT · 06/05/2014 09:29

Completely fair enough then.

WhoNickedMyName · 06/05/2014 11:12

Hope your chat with her is taken on board.

If it isn't, you know what I'd do? If you have to walk through the kitchen to get to the bathroom, and he's in there of a morning, I'd walk through wearing nothing but my knickers, act all horrified that he's there and blow my stack at the both of them.

If they're cooking and eating a three course meal, I'd stay in the kitchen, make myself a Pot Noodle, join them at the table and make that Pot Noodle last the whole fucking three courses.

Inconsiderate twats.

whatever5 · 06/05/2014 11:12

Tw nights/week MAX totally reasonable with 24 hours advanced notice AND a contribution for leccy. A tenner seems reasonable.

I'm not sure that many people would agree with the 24 hours advanced notice and a contribution towards bills (not anyone I've ever shared a house with anyway!).

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 06/05/2014 12:21

Eh, once you start accepting a contribution towards bills you're giving them carte blanche to keep hanging around as much as they like. This is a property with no reception-room, so it's just too small to have a fourth person there too often. Been there, bought the T-shirt.

Two nights a week as an absolute maximum. If they want to be together more than two nights at hers and two nights at his, they need to get their own place. Difficult when a relationship is in the first flush but that's not the OP's problem

BillyBanter · 06/05/2014 14:20

Tw nights/week MAX totally reasonable with 24 hours advanced notice AND a contribution for leccy. A tenner seems reasonable.

That's utterly ridiculous, on the notice and the contribution.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 15:23

'That's utterly ridiculous, on the notice and the contribution.'

Why? He's there running up the bills. Many tenancy agreements have restrictions about guests.

And it is a very small flat.

That would be my stipulation, or we go to the landlord and see what he/she thinks.

Hardly ridiculous to have another flatmate foisted on your for half the week or more, regularly, with no contribution to rent and bills.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers!

People live in flatshares at that age because money is tight. Every penny counts, having another person in there regularly running up the bills, they pay up or stay somewhere else.

Having been burned by this in the past, however, in later years of flatshares always did so with mates who discussed the boyfriend/girlfriend issue in advance of our all signing the agreement, and even had it written into the agreement.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 15:27

'Eh, once you start accepting a contribution towards bills you're giving them carte blanche to keep hanging around as much as they like.'

Not if you're a ball-busting bitch like I am.

After a few burns, I only went into shares with like-minded people and it is easy enough to get the agency to write a clause into the agreement about all 'guests' - it often is in HMOs.

Then you're like, 'You and your fuck buddy need to jog on, cuz you are breeching the agreement.'

I don't have sympathy for this loved-up bullshit stage past the age of about 25.

Get your own flat, then.

Actually, I wound up living in pokey bedsits in shit areas for this very reason, sick of pisstaking flatmates.

SybilRamkin · 06/05/2014 15:43

Ooh, this would give me the rage! YADNBU!

Please update and let us know what happens when he comes round next time!

On another note, why can't she stay at his?

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 15:46

Think you and the other flatmate need to agree some terms here.

whatever5 · 06/05/2014 15:58

expatinscotland -your view on flatshares is a bit old fashioned. The OP is in her 30s, not a young impoverished student.

One person in a flatshare can't lay down the law and start stipulating this or that. If someone had tried doing that with me I would have told them where to go to be honest. The landlord won't necessarily care that someone's boyfriend stays there sometimes and even if they do care there may not be much they can do about it apart from terminate the tenancy.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 16:20

'expatinscotland -your view on flatshares is a bit old fashioned. The OP is in her 30s, not a young impoverished student.'

So are the OP's, that's why she is posting. She is in her mid-30s and so is the other flatmate. The other one is in her mid-20s.

They have to live in the share because of money. Otherwise, I seriously doubt the OP would live in a flatshare in her mid-30s. Space is money. You live there or stay there any length of time, you pay up.

And yes, plenty of tenancy agreements do have wording about guests, particularly HMOs, as some are licensed for only a certain number of people.

And two flatmates can definitely restrict a live-in, new flatmate they did not ask for.

I'd tell any flatmate who brings her fuck buddy in for days on end where to go and get whatever I needed to make it stop.

If the OP wanted another flatmate she'd get a flatshare with three instead of one - cheaper, too.

SchroSawMargeryDaw · 06/05/2014 16:21

Paying in to bills would create a sub-tenancy.

Not unreasonable to lay down the law though, this guy doesn't pay anything in (and shouldn't for the reason mentioned above) and the OP and other flatmate who is unhappy does.

And I am sure the LL will care about the guy being there if he doesn't hold a multiple occupancy licence as if the council found out, he would most likely lose the ability to rent out at all.

BelleOfTheBorstal · 06/05/2014 16:24

One or two nights every couple of weeks, would not be unreasonable, in my opinion but five nights in a row is quite definitely taking the piss, regardless of the size of the accomodation!

BillyBanter · 06/05/2014 16:28

I wasn't disagreeing with the 2 nights is quite enough bit, as per my previous posts that say so.

But it's her home and she should be allowed guests without giving 24 hours notice or £10 for having someone over for a couple of nights, especially if balanced out with staying at the other person's. I'm against getting them to pay towards bills as that just gives perceived rights and doesn't solve the problem of him simply being there too much.

Part of the problem here is that the living room is being used as a bedroom, however, overcrowding is probably only going to get more common.

It's also ridiculous to expect people to move in and out of shared flats and lone flats every time they start seeing someone new or split up with them.

whatever5 · 06/05/2014 16:32

And two flatmates can definitely restrict a live-in, new flatmate they did not ask for.

There may be plenty of tenancy agreements that having wording about guest but as the OP hasn't stated that she has one, I'm assuming that she hasn't. I don't agree that a flatmates can order other flatmates around. They are all equals and if you want to come to an agreement with an equal that suits everyone and you want to live in a house share rather than a pokey bedsit in a dodgy area, it is best not to start throwing your weight around and stipulating this or that. Demanding this or that is likely to be counterproductive.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 16:39

'It's also ridiculous to expect people to move in and out of shared flats and lone flats every time they start seeing someone new or split up with them.'

Seeing someone new doesn't mean you spend the night five nights in a row at the shoebox you share with two other people.

People even manage to establish relationships that are long-term or even end up in marriage when they are long-distance from each other.

Anyhow, Belle, LOL, you are even more extreme.

Telling a flatmate she can't have her fuck buddy there night after night whenever she pleases, keeping you up with spanking, is far from throwing your weight around.

I'd be more than happy to in such an instance because she is the one being inconsiderate.

And yeah, a lot of places do have stipulations in place due to HMO licensing.

Corygal · 06/05/2014 16:40

I really sympathise OP. This used to drive me nuts - plus the awkwardness of never being able to get to the bathroom without passing a strange man in your pants, the way men eat staggering amounts of the fridge contents and the feeling of constantly being on duty when all you want to do is slob out in your own home.

Worse, I was the culprit once - without knowing it. My boyfriend turned up claiming he'd been booted out his flat with no notice. The boot of his car looked suspiciously full of stuff, so I told him he could stay till he got somewhere else pronto. You guessed the next bit - three weeks on, he hadn't moved and I was in the awful position of having to throw him out on the street.

I didn't want him there any more than the other girls did, I have to point out. Finally my best friend told him he had to go within 48 hours. He went to his parents, who oh-so-suddenly developed a spare room.

It was really unpleasant - not least because he later let slip he'd left his flat voluntarily and was simply trying to cohabit because he thought I was The One. I dumped him five minutes later.

Cerisier · 06/05/2014 16:44

YANBU I would be extremely fed up too. I can't believe they were so thoughtless.

I hope that either he bought some milk and essentials for the flat after staying for 5 nights, or that your flatmate has gone to stay at his place for a similar length of time.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 16:49

When I interviewed for my last flatshare, the other two women were clear and firm about 'no live in partners or 'guests' just using the couch between flats'. Two nights max a week for people you shag and 5 nights max for any other guest, notice required. There's a clause in the tenancy agreement. I knew they were the ones to share with. Finally!

No coming home from work finding some random on the only fucking couch in the living room, having cooked and eaten your food and none left for you, hogging the bathroom, putting up with some guy you don't know in common areas, etc.

The last share before, my flatmate's boyfriend was a fucking psycho we had a hard time getting rid of being an uninvited flatmate. The other two in teh share were male and finally managed to see him off.

Thankfully by this point I was basically living with an older boyfriend who had his own place, just waiting till the end of the tenancy, because this psycho kept pounding the door all hours or the windows, appearing in the car park as you got out of your car asking if you knew were X was and trying to follow you into the flat, and ended by breaking in (I was not there) and threatening my flatmate with a knife. So sad I missed that!