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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to feel a bit annoyed, flatmate and boyfriend

98 replies

Banoffeepiefan · 04/05/2014 16:54

I live with two lovely girls in a flatshare in London. Recently one has got her first boyfriend - she is mid twenties, myself and the other flatmates are ten years older, relevant because maybe I'm just not being very sympathetic to the excitement of first love - and this week he has been here three evenings already and it looks like he is planning to be here tomorrow as well. Stayed last night and has been here all day.

It's a tiny flat. Just about fine for three, not fine for four. No lounge so our shared space is the kitchen, which they stayed in all afternoon and now are making plans to cook a three course dinner in tonight.

I'm normally very relaxed about this sort of thing, but I feel like he is here a LOT and in past houses we had a lot more space so less of an issue when a friend's boyfriend came from out of town to stay for a couple of weeks etc. I've always had friends and partner over but only one or two nights a week.

They have only just become an item. I don't want him unofficially moving in and staying here half the bloody week, but don't want to say anything right now in case I'm leaping to conclusions or being mean.

How can I nip this in the bud or AIBU?

OP posts:

whatever5 · 06/05/2014 17:21

Telling a flatmate she can't have her fuck buddy there night after night whenever she pleases, keeping you up with spanking, is far from throwing your weight around.

I think that telling them that guests have to give 24 hours notice and pay £10 towards bills if they stay for two nights as you suggest further up is throwing your weight around. Anyway, the point it that if it's not in the tenancy agreement you can't force a flatmate to do anything. It always is better to try and come to an agreement amicably without falling out if you want to live in a house share rather than pokey bedsit in a shit area.

matildasquared · 06/05/2014 18:15

Anyway, the point it that if it's not in the tenancy agreement you can't force a flatmate to do anything.

There's nothing in the tenancy that says I can't take a dump in the living room either.

Just because something doesn't happen to be in the tenancy agreement doesn't mean it's okay.

sykadelic · 06/05/2014 18:25

Oh wow, you're all actually working individuals? That makes it worse! It's one thing if you're all students making your way in the world without parents etc etc but... wow.

No, not on.

Wow. I hope he's gone now and I hope you look at the tenancy agreement. This is why I hated living with people.

whatever5 · 06/05/2014 18:28

I'm sure there will be something in tenancy agreements that would make dumping in the living room not allowed.

Anyway, I didn't say that it was okay if it wasn't in the tenancy agreement. I just said that there would be nothing you could do about it (apart from moving out etc).

TOADfan · 06/05/2014 18:38

All I can say is thank fuck I have never house shared. cant imagine not walking around the house naked and leaving crap around the place

I am rather introvert and need my space. That sounds mad especially in your 30s but thats London for you.

BranchingOut · 06/05/2014 18:45

I think there are two ways to handle this:

Get to know him and love him too..
The little chat

Though I would say that I was once the visiting girlfriend - mostly just one night per week. One of those flatmates was eventually our best man, we travelled across the world to visit two others in their home countries and are still in touch with 3 out of 4 of them twenty years later!

AvonCallingBarksdale · 06/05/2014 18:46

Blimey, OP, you need to get your own place!! I think I would have probably been OK with this in my mid-20s - in fact we lived in a large flat share and the 4 of us all had frequent-stayer other halves. But that flat was v big. I couldn't do that past 30 though

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 18:49

'Get to know him and love him too..
The little chat '

Whilst he is shitting in the one bathroom that's now serving four rather than three, hogging the kitchen making long meals and keeping you up at night spanking your flatmate when you have to haul arse into work the next morning.

Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

Original poster

Banoffeepiefan · 06/05/2014 18:55

AvonCallingBarksdale, no I can't get my own place sadly. London rent is prohibitive. And actually it really is no problem living with the flatmates apart from this, so hopefully it will be ok.

She did apologize and I'm optimistic that the message has been taken on board. Obviously, only time will tell!

Thank you all, it was good to have it confirmed that I wasn't actually being unreasonable to find this an annoyance.

OP posts:

Original poster

Banoffeepiefan · 06/05/2014 18:57

Also pmsl at 'get to know and love him too' In the most desperate darkest thoughts I was wildly thinking that maybe I should go in and perch on his knee and try to snog him, to freak them both out - bet she wouldn't have him floating around the place quite as much then!

OP posts:

AvonCallingBarksdale · 06/05/2014 19:00

Sheesh, OP, glad I'm out of the capital, then. Fingers crossed flatmate has taken it on loud and clear. You are DNBU!!

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 19:28

Here's hoping there will be no more 5-night sleepovers.

Bonsoir · 06/05/2014 19:32

Don't be mean!

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 19:35

Oh, please, Bonsoir, it gets old fast, to have some random bloke in a pokey flat with three women all on top of each other and one bathroom.

What's mean about it? They can go have a fuckfest elsewhere or restrict it to a couple of nights a week at hers per week.

littlegreengloworm · 06/05/2014 19:38

Two nights is reasonable. This situation is totally selfish and thoughtless.

Also hogging the kitchen for the evening is not on either.

I would sit in my room fuming and got fed up of this type of thing at 25 because I never had the guts to speak up.

Yanbu

BranchingOut · 06/05/2014 20:12

Obviously I was being lighthearted, but I was also gently making the point that he might not be public enemy number 1 - who knows, in a few years he might be your flatmate's long term partner and one of your closest friends?

BranchingOut · 06/05/2014 20:13

But even then, I agree that any more than two nights a week is too much.

StealthPolarBear · 06/05/2014 20:20

expat did the OP mention hearing spanking or did your mind add that detail? :o

cantbelievethisishppening · 06/05/2014 20:23

I have felt your pain in the past. Nip it in the bud.

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 20:29

'URGH. At frequent intervals I'm now being treated to the sound of a slap and a little scream as he smacks her on the arse.'

From one of Banoffee's posts on Sunday.

StealthPolarBear · 06/05/2014 20:30

Oh yes I did read that but my mind had erased it :o

expatinscotland · 06/05/2014 20:30

In a few years time, hope you are able to live in your own place and not have to put up with crap like this.

SweetsForMySweet · 07/05/2014 14:33

I have been in a similar situation op a couple of times, not pleasant and definitely would never want to go through it ever again. I moved out in the end. I hope you had a peaceful night last night and got things sorted with your flatmate

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