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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my old schoolfriend should not have brought her family to reunion

182 replies

Summerbreezing · 04/05/2014 09:49

A group of us who hung around together at school have kept in intermittent touch over the years. However, due to distance, family commitments and work we haven't managed to meet up as a full group in years. Recently, however, circumstances meant we were all going to be in our home town on the same weekend and arranged to meet up for an early dinner on the Sat. before one of the group had to catch a train home.

Five of us arrived and were seated with glasses of wine wondering where no 6 was. Next thing in she arrived with a buggy, two other kids and her DH. She was all smiles and 'hope you don't mind, but we were at the art gallery and it was much handier for us all to come. Kids haven't eaten blah blah'. So instead of a nice couple of hours reminiscing and having a good laugh, we spent the time having to try and include her DH, put up with constant interruptions from her DC aged 10 ,8 and 2 and watch our Ps & Qs.

AIBU to think her DH could have taken the kids to McDs or somewhere (there was actually a family friendly pizza place right beside the restaurant we were in) rather than her entire family gatecrashing what was supposed to be a girls only reunion?

OP posts:
MarshaBrady · 05/05/2014 10:48

I spend a fair bit of time with the dc but even I would give dh short shrift if he rocked up to a do with them. It would be the last thing he'd do anyway.

MarshaBrady · 05/05/2014 10:49

Like this, obvs if they invited it's ok.

Bowlersarm · 05/05/2014 10:51

Oh wow, YANBU. I would have been really disappointed-it just wouldn't have been the same.

Original poster
Summerbreezing · 05/05/2014 10:52

But that wasn't the purpose of the event WooWooo. We wanted to chat about old boyfriends, school discos, eccentric teachers and basically take a nice long relaxed trip down memory lane. If we'd wanted to meet each other's husbands and kids we'd have arranged to do so, not booked a table for the six of us to have a reunion.

OP posts:
turgiday · 05/05/2014 10:55

Woo woo - If it was a chance to talk to each othesr partners, other partners would have come along too. It wasnt that kind of event.

And sadly some of the people who behave like this, will someday be on MN complaining that their friends organise get togethers, and exclude them.

Tinkerball · 05/05/2014 10:56

Don't you people like your families? Why stay with the bloke, why have kids if you don't want to be with them? Puzzled

Its a big leap from enjoying time as a group of friends = not enjoying time with your family! How on earth did you get that?

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 05/05/2014 10:56

I also find it hard to understand why someone wouldn't like an all woman gathering as mentioned above.

Me too. I've had this happen a couple of times lately - looking forward to a girly night and a male friend (to be fair not a DP, which would be worse) has been invited intruded

If you are meeting with girls from school you want to gossip about how the heart-throb is now a balding accountant, or how so-and-so is on her 5th divorce and what happened at the school disco in 1991. You don't want to politely get to know someone's DH and worse their kids.

TondelayoSchwarzkopf · 05/05/2014 10:57

x-posted with OP.

pianodoodle · 05/05/2014 11:05

I'm going to say YABU because I think she could have genuinely thought "friends" wouldn't mind.

Thetallesttower · 05/05/2014 11:09

If the friends wanted an all-inclusive meet the family and husbands and get to know everyone event, they would have checked the numbers and booked a bigger table- a table for six is extremely clear.

There is no room for misunderstanding here, and the fact she said 'sorry, do you mind?' says it all- she knows you minded but carried on anyway.

Meeting other people's husbands and children is fun- if you all agree to do it and all bring your families along. It wasn't that type of event and she knew it.

I would be really clear next time, I've done reunions with just the people (no kids no husbands away for the weekend- perhaps I don't like my family?!) and with families and kids in tow. It's all about being crystal clear with insensitive people.

slithytove · 05/05/2014 11:23

I have three friends from school and we still socialise as a little group. We also meet up with partners in tow and they all get on now. Yet we are still meeting up just the 4 of us this month precisely so we can yabber on about school memories and not bore our DP's to death.

Pretty normal behaviour.

Original poster
Summerbreezing · 05/05/2014 11:39

Why would 'friends' not mind Piano. Just because people are your friends doesn't mean you can change arrangements at the last minute, bring your kids along to adult only events or husbands along to female get togethers and expect everyone to adapt to what suits you regardless of what was previously agreed. That sounds like using your friends to me.

OP posts:
Pobblewhohasnotoes · 05/05/2014 11:42

I do wonder about people that cease to function outside of their own family unit. Do they have anything to talk about outside of the kids? Say for example if you and DH went out for dinner, is that why you see couples just sitting there in silence?

FunLovinBunster · 05/05/2014 11:54

OP YANBU. Next time you'll just have to spell out your plans in words of less than 1 syllable!

Peekingduck · 05/05/2014 12:01

This is interesting isn't it? Reading some of the replies you can see that there are quite a lot of people out there who would be perfectly happy to stage a similar family gate-crash.
I have a friend who has a rather nasty DP. He just picks on her all the time. We get together for a training run once a week that he doesn't attend. When it was raining hard I sometimes suggested that we opt for lazy comfort and go for a drink instead. Problem was, she would always text him and tell him where we were. Even though she wouldn't normally see him during that time, even if I asked her not to, within a few minutes of getting to the pub there he'd be. Then I'd have to sit for an hour or so listening to him bitching at her. That's very sad for her, but I also think it was rude of her. It's not the way I like to spend an afternoon, so now I don't suggest pub trips any more when it's raining. We just get soaking wet. Sad

turgiday · 05/05/2014 12:09

That is really sad duck.

It is interesting those who say they would stage a similar family gatecrash. And then I wonder if they are the same people who will post about not getting invited to stuff, or being sidelined by old friends.

If you don't behave like a good friend, don't expect to be treated like one.

differentnameforthis · 05/05/2014 12:14

I wonder what you would all be saying if a man was posting this about his friends wife & kids....

How very dare her dh & kids want to eat!

turgiday · 05/05/2014 12:21

I would say exactly the same different. A woman and kids shouldn't gate crash an all male gathering of old friends.

And no need for the hyperbole. I am sure there were plenty of places for the man and kids to eat. Nobody is expecting them to wander around starving in sackcloth and ashes while the woman has fun.

squoosh · 05/05/2014 12:23

Um, exactly the same of course. Same scenario, same reaction.

Hmm
ilovesooty · 05/05/2014 12:24

I'd say exactly the same if the genders were reversed. It was appallingly rude behaviour and her husband could have taken the children to eat elsewhere.

Pagwatch · 05/05/2014 12:54

I know exactly what I would say because DH attended a friends reunion about three weekd ago and one guy turned up with his girlfriend.
I, he and all the other attendees were 'wtf?'

So yes, exactly the same .

Clingy and a bit pathetic.

Pobblewhohasnotoes · 05/05/2014 12:59

If my DH goes out to meet his friends I don't tag along with DS, unless we've been invited too and in which case they would have their families with them.

It's exactly the same regardless of being a man or women.

DurhamDurham · 05/05/2014 13:06

My two girls are now 20 and 16, the oldest one has moved out and the younger one has a busy social life as well,as working part time and studying for her A levels. I am so pleased that I maintained a healthy social life while they were growing up or I would be very bored and lonely by now.

You do not have to spend every waking moment with your husband and children to prove that you love them, I could not live like that and I would not want my children to feel guilty for growing up and having a life of their own.

VenusDeWillendorf · 05/05/2014 13:11

It does seem rather strange that they didn't sit at a different table! I mean they wouldn't have had to go to macdonalds, or somewhere else, they could have sat across the restaurant!!

There are plenty of tables sprinkled about in a restaurant after all, and that way her arrangements wouldn't have impinged on the group dynamic, as you would all have hand a bit of privacy.

It is difficult to think quickly in this situation, but it is strange that not one of you thought of this. Maybe that's why you're so annoyed!!

However, her DH must be spectacularly un-empowered if he felt only his DW cold handle the kids, and he couldn't look after them at another table/ bring them to the loo himself.

Original poster
Summerbreezing · 05/05/2014 16:20

Why would it be any different if it was a male outing different. It would be just as odd for a woman to go to a husband's 'all boys' school reunion as it was for this guy and his kids to turn up at our's.

And don't be ridiculous. No one suggested that her dh and dcs shouldn't eat. I even said in my OP that there was a child friendly pizza restaurant right next door to the place we were eating in.

OP posts: