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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not give a stuff that my OH is out celebrating his ex-GFs birthday without telling me?

35 replies

Objection · 03/05/2014 20:38

I'm in Italy at the moment, with the family I work for (Nanny). (Yes, Family Blood Man for those that remember).
Just tried calling OH before bed and he's not picking up. Found out (Facebook) that he's out at a pub celebrating his ex's birthday.

She's a part of his distant friend group (he sees them once a month, less maybe) and im guessing some of them are there too.
I personally dislike her as she's a huge show off and ripped his heart to shreds by cheating on him with 8 (!) men at the end of their 3 year relationship.
We've been together 4 years ourselves.

AIBU to not give a rats arse? Called best friend I stead (lonely!) and she says shed be furious as ex has a track record if trying it on with him (Inc turning up to our house, love letters etc)
She thinks my indifference means I don't value our relationship Confused

so what say you MN - am i a cold hearted botch or normal?

OP posts:
Original poster
Objection · 03/05/2014 20:39

*instead not I stead!

OP posts:
Original poster
Objection · 03/05/2014 20:39

*bitch

(I blame this Italian Internet for the typos)

OP posts:
Sparrowlegs248 · 03/05/2014 20:40

I would be spectacularly pissed off but then I have insecurity/jealousy issues.

Liara · 03/05/2014 20:41

Normal! I don't see anything wrong with it, and you obviously trust him.

Your indifference means you value your relationship, and believe he does too, imo.

Snatchoo · 03/05/2014 20:41

I would wonder why he wanted to go if she broke his heart. I certainly wouldn't go to a night for my ex.

Original poster
Objection · 03/05/2014 20:42

He's probably doing it to socialise with his mates (i presume they are there, bit different if not)

His ex is a witch but whilst he doesn't particularly like her, he does seem to have forgiven her (it took a while!)

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HecatePropylaea · 03/05/2014 20:42

I don't know.

Do you not care because you don't care where he is or who he's with and even if he was currently bending her over the pool table you wouldn't give a shit

or

Do you not care because you love him, he loves you and you have complete trust in him and you know that there is no way he would ever cheat on you so there is nothing to care about and you hope he has a lovely night out with his mates

TequilaMockingbirdy · 03/05/2014 20:44

I wouldn't want him going out with her and I'd wonder why he hadnt deigned to tell me.

wowfudge · 03/05/2014 20:44

I think you sound refreshingly normal given some of the other posts on here recently. Your friend sounds pretty unsupportive and a bit of a drama llama unless she's just playing devil's advocate because she thinks your relationship is vulnerable because of the ex GF.

Original poster
Objection · 03/05/2014 20:44

Of he had her bent over the pool table he'd come home to find the locks had mysteriously changed.

He really wouldn't do that, he's just not the type

OP posts:
Original poster
Objection · 03/05/2014 20:45

I'll admit, 2 years ago it would be a completely different story (re: my attitude, not his behaviour)

OP posts:
Original poster
Objection · 03/05/2014 20:46

3 years ago even.
Where the hell does the time go?

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aermingers · 03/05/2014 20:50

To me at that stage in my relationship with DH it would have been normal and fine. We were together, I knew he loved me, I loved him and when he saw his exes I knew that it was no threat to me.

Really, when you know they are no threat why be bothered about it? Some people seem to think that you should care just because it's an ex. But I really don't see why.

ClubName · 03/05/2014 20:54

I think it's ok, good, that you don't mind that he's there. But you should mind that he didn't tell you

sykadelic · 03/05/2014 20:57

Oh I'd be livid but then DH doesn't hang around his ex in any capacity so him suddenly starting to do so would be a red flag.

I'd also be pissed that he didn't at least tell me (send me a msg or something) because it's a nice thing to do in case I wanted to contact him for whatever reason.

JapaneseMargaret · 03/05/2014 20:58

YANBU not to mind, of course not.

But, and maybe it's just me - something about your tone makes it seem like you do mind.

If you genuinely didn't mind, you wouldn't need to solicit opinions on the matter, and you'd word the thread more indifferently, i.e. 'AIBU not to mind...?' rather than 'give a stuff', which seems very heated to me.

But as I say, maybe that's just my interpretation of it, and I'm way wide of the mark................

PrincessBabyCat · 03/05/2014 21:07

Meh. My husband and I are both on good terms with our ex's. I don't think it's a big deal. There's a reason they're an ex. Wink

lunar1 · 03/05/2014 21:10

Lots of women think their partners aren't the type to cheat, sadly some of them get proved wrong.

It's fine for you to be happy for him to go out with his ex. It's fine that you don't mind, this doesn't make you any better than someone who would mind though.

Original poster
Objection · 03/05/2014 21:13

JapaneseMargaret my concern isn't the situation as such but my feelings about it. I sometimes worry that i'm not passionate enough about things and don't want to be cold.

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Original poster
Objection · 03/05/2014 21:15

Thinking about it I'd probably be more concerned of he DID tell me. going out with his mates is often a spur of the moment thing (hes never let me know before if im working away) and I would think there was something to be worried about if he felt the need to text.

overthinking it now!

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wheresthelight · 03/05/2014 21:33

If she is part of his friendship group then I don't see why anyone would have am issue. But then I am not jealous insecure.

If you are happy and you trust him and are secure in your relationship then there is no reason for you to be bothered in the slightest

MistressDeeCee · 03/05/2014 23:23

I personally dislike her as she's a huge show off and ripped his heart to shreds by cheating

Well - you're not indifferent to her, as your reasons for disliking her stem from her treatment of your OH. So it seems unusual to say the least that you would then go on to say, you are indifferent to their friendship. The 2 don't add up at all. You are the one holding onto dislike of his friend based on her treatment of him in the past - but, he isn't.

Oh and FWIW I wouldn't think any less of a woman who did mind. I think some would be scared to say if they did on MN though, based on the threads Ive seen yesterday & today if you care about this kind of thing then you are seriously scorned as being jealous, insecure, and paranoid. Best to maintain a bland countenance at all times. Smile

JockTamsonsBairns · 03/05/2014 23:27

Doesn't he have his phone with him at the pub?

restandpeace · 03/05/2014 23:30

Sio many threads, sorry but no

Bearbehind · 03/05/2014 23:35

I'm not the jealous type but I would be interested to hear where he tells you he was tonight?

If he tells you the truth, I wouldn't be bothered but if he lies then you have a problem.

You do sound like you might be trying too hard to act like you don't care- like starting a thread about it.....