to not give a stuff that my OH is out celebrating his ex-GFs birthday without telling me?

[Objection]

I'm in Italy at the moment, with the family I work for (Nanny). (Yes, Family Blood Man for those that remember).
Just tried calling OH before bed and he's not picking up. Found out (Facebook) that he's out at a pub celebrating his ex's birthday.

She's a part of his distant friend group (he sees them once a month, less maybe) and im guessing some of them are there too.
I personally dislike her as she's a huge show off and ripped his heart to shreds by cheating on him with 8 (!) men at the end of their 3 year relationship.
We've been together 4 years ourselves.

AIBU to not give a rats arse? Called best friend I stead (lonely!) and she says shed be furious as ex has a track record if trying it on with him (Inc turning up to our house, love letters etc)
She thinks my indifference means I don't value our relationship

so what say you MN - am i a cold hearted botch or normal?

I would have no problem with it - and I'm not remotely relaxed or modern about such things! It's been ages since they were together and he'll have been invited by other friends. You would know if there was any reason to worry and - since you obviously have no such reason - it must be fine.

His ex turned up at the home you share with OH, and writes love letters too? If an ex did this to me he would no longer be a friend as he is disrespecting me, and my current relationship. My relationship is a whole lot more important than holding onto a friendship with a person who has no boundaries.

Unless in an open relationship where each does what they like and thats fully understood, at what point does a woman say nothing about inappropriate behaviour, for fear of upsetting her man? Im not saying this is you necessarily OP, just that I think quite a lot of women pride themselves on the 'Im not jealous no no not at all' thing alongside being passive for fear of rocking the boat, when their man is accepting of behaviour from an ex/friend which is just pisstaking in respect of his current relationship.

We all have ex partners, no big deal. But I wouldnt be happy with my OH remaining friends with an ex who did that kind of thing, Id be having a discussion with him. Just as I wouldn't be marking him down as jealous/insecure if my ex turned up at our home and wrote me love letters, then I was off out socialising with him! I think I would be more inclined towards indifference if it was a new, casual relationship (which I wouldn''t stay in if it were as I can't be asked with ex gfriend drama where its being allowed to intrude on relationship) but not after several years. Whether an ex or not, real friends mean you and your relationship well.

I'd be upset but then it doesn't always take a lot to push me over the edge. I'd rather have your attitude though.

I would dislike my dp socialising with the woman he was with immediately before me immensely.

He could acquire a new female friend or socialise with the ones he already has and had before me, a number of whole are exes. But not that woman.

She was totally unhinged and inappropriate when we got together (after they split). Her behaviour continued for a good two years intermittently.

She is one of very few people I truly,deeply dislike. I don't think my dp would ever do anything with her, it would be her behaviour I'd be worried about.

Given your dp's ex sounds similar I am surprised you would be so indifferent. I'm not convinced that you are. For reasons similar to mine.

Objection I am just glad you are alive after the whole Colorado incident [grins]

Good on you if you are equaniminous about the whole thing. I wouldn't be, but wouldn't project all over your parade. DH has two long term exes, one of 5 years who I hate with a fiery passion because she was an utter cow to me the first three years we were together, the other (first one's best mate) who he then dated for three years who's an utter duck and I like a lot. Gap of two years between later person and me. If he decided to go out without telling me to celebrate birthday of GF1 I would accept it but be pissy, of GF2 I would wave him off and offer happy gins. Depends on how they are with each other I guess.

Nice to see you again loved your threads before.

Plot Twist update: I found out this morning he's wasn't out with ex but another friend for her birthday. Seems ex had tagged him in FB post even though he wasn't there.
I won't speculate on why!

Ex sounds like hard work! Probably better that he wasn't out with her as that makes this a lot less complicated tbh, but if my OH was out with his ex I wouldn't care either. As the others have said, it's the sign of a healthy and trusting relationship.

well if he has form for trying it on with my friends i wouldn't trust him anyway (and wouldn't be with him just my opinion x)

and if it were my ex who cheated on me with 8 people and hurt me i would not be socialising with him group or not toxic and contagious

deaky - he's never tried it on with anyone, did I say that?

he's never given me just cause to have a problem, perhaps his general disorganisation

She sounds bonkers op