to feel screwed over by our society, can't afford a home, can't afford children, can't afford car

[Lauranda]

I'm in my early 30s, had a great up bringing, do a job I like and got married last year. I do feel very lucky.

However where we live in the south east, all we can afford to rent is a badly converted 1 bed flat with a damp problem. Can't really save much and are very economical with our money so can't see ever affording anything bigger and could never bring up a child here.

My parents managed to get a large 4 bed Edwardian house on one sallery when I was growing up and dads job level was about the same as dh. No way could with double sallarys afford anything near that lifestyle.

Parents keep saying my time will come, but looking at the statistics that seams very wishful thinking. Parents have kindly offered 15k to help get a house but to be any use would need much more than that and to pray interest rates never rose much.

Am I alone in just being unable to afford children even though we both work full time?

[NearTheWindymill]

Unfortunately if people aren't prepared to work hard for what they want they won't get it. That has always been the case. My SILs were saying that 30 years ago. They are now whining because they are still scraping by. They had exactly the same opportunities as DH and I, they just didn't understand that you can only take out what you are prepared to put in and that involved hard work.

[turgiday]

My FIL lives in the SE. He grumbles because he can only afford to live in an area that is not a "good area". It is actually perfectly fine and safe, just not "posh". There are cheaper places to live in the SE, you may have to live there and commute in. For most of us, life is a series of compromises and we don't get everything we would like.

Also was your dad living in a 4 bedroom house 1 year after marriage? I suspect not.

[janey68]

Move out of the south east... I was raised there too, and got out as soon as I could precisely because I knew I'd be unlikely to afford to live there.

I totally get that housing is a big problem in the UK, and the differentials between areas are ludicrous. But you only have one life. You can either approach things as a problem, or you approach things with a solution.

Also if you've been given 15k by your parents to put down as a house deposit you are WAY more fortunate than most of us who get nothing. Count your blessings and move forwards.

[whatever5]

I really gets on my nerves when people talk of being "screwed over by society" just because they can't live near their parents for a few years.

[HecatePropylaea]

Unfortunately it doesn't matter how much we feel that we shouldn't have to do something - if we do have to do it, then it's tough shit - unless we fight to change it.

I am not saying I disagree with you! I actually agree with you that we shouldn't have to. I agree that it stinks. Most people are treated like drones and are hugely exploited. But you have to do things based on the way they are, not on the way they should be*. Nobody - I think - is saying that we haven't been screwed, just that this is today's reality and we have to work with the way things are now.

*Well. Until the revolution

[AwfulMaureen]

There is a MASISIVE housing shortage here...due partly to the right to buy scheme of the 80s. People who would normally have got a nice council house early in their marriage and then saved for their own house now find themselves in shitty, private lets.

OP...move areas. It's your only hope. North West is more affordable.

[magpiegin]

I'm guessing you have to figure out your priorities. What is most important to the two of you? Staying where you are in the country, having kids, getting a car, buying a house?

If you already have £15k towards a deposit I would work hard on trying to build on that. Is there any scope for doing some extra work in the short term (bar work, agency work etc)?

[bochead]

Look outside the South East for a forever home.

To be fair my elderly Mum intends to up sticks and follow her Grand kids out of London, as the Lewisham of today is not the fairly pleasant safe area it was 30 years ago. Talk to your parents and you may find the same. London is not that nice for the old and frail - what are your parents retirement plans?

Once outside the SE many aspects of parenting become less competitive and therefore far more pleasant. Space in the home and school places are the two big ones that spring to mind.

Ipswich is an hour from Liverpool Street and a lovely place to live. A starter home is between 100-120K deffo within reach.

www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-28256937.html

hatfield, swindon, milton keynes are all possiblities for around £110K
www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-44414687.html

Thanet in Kent is slightly more expensive but you can still get a 3 bed family starter home for under £120K www.rightmove.co.uk/property-for-sale/property-42668515.html

Cardiff is a really nice city and again 3 bed houses start at 100K - 120K

Everyone always mentions ooop North for cheaper housing.

I don't want to sound nasty but you need to decide if your priority is home ownership or London & the SE. I do sympathise as my siblings and I have all had to face the same dilemma. Those of us with kids opted to move out of London for a better quality of life for the kids. I only escaped last year & I'd be lying if were to say I don't miss my old school mates etc, but it was the right choice for the long term without a lottery win. There is lots happening outside the m25!

[Lauranda]

I see what everyone is saying about moving, but its hearbreaking. Both future grandparents would be upset being far away and would not be able to help with child care.

[fairylightsintheloft]

You can significantly reduce costs even in the south east by just moving the down the road. I live in a town that is 20 mins drive from one of the most expensive towns in the country. Our 4 bed very spacious house costs less than half what it would cost in the expensive town. Where we live is not seen as "desirable" but actually is very pleasant, lots of great green space and parks, all the amenities you need, good connections etc just doesn't have the "naice" reputation and price tag that comes with the other place. Having said all that, we are actively looking to relocate to the NE to be with family and the longer term financial goal of reducing our mortgage so we can maybe retire slightly earlier, in twenty years, rather than twenty five. Also you say you love your job and that is a massive bonus but as others have said if it is not well paid, you may have to take on something else. A friend of mine worked FT and her DH stayed home with the kids because his dream job paid a pittance. Eventually she got fed up and he retrained as something more lucrative. Not to be rolling in it, just to be comfortable and take the pressure off her. It was a mature and rational decision based on long term goals. You may need to look at that idea also if your long term goal is a pleasant place to bring up kids.

[HecatePropylaea]

Yes. They probably would.

But I am guessing that it would be more upsetting for them to never have a grandchild and more upsetting for you to never be a parent.

But this appears to be the two choices you are limiting yourself to.

Have a child close to your parents, have them as childcare (whole other issue - you don't have a child because your parents can be childcare. What if they become ill? disabled? infirm? don't want to? etc?), have the dream house and the good money

or

have no child.

Even if your parents would be sad at living far away from their grandchild, do you think they would say oh, I'd rather have no grandchild in that case, thanks love?

If you can't have your ideal - what can you have instead? That's what you need to be asking yourself.

[ivykaty44]

Both future grandparents would be upset being far away and would not be able to help with child care

so you are living your life to please both sets of parents?

If you want to move and have a better lifestyle then move

If not then stay and don't afford children, housing or a car


either way the grandparents will not get to see the grandchildren

[AwfulMaureen]

Lauranda that's life. Suck it up. I have to move to the other side of the frigging world to get a decent quality of life and instead of saying it's sad, I am counting my lucky stars that DH has been offered a good job there and we can afford a nice house.

Or...I could stay where we are in a tiny social housing property.....and say it's too sad to go.

[ScarlettlovesRhett]

Yabu.

You and your husband have had 10 years plus to work, earn and save. People don't magic a posh house and a car along with having children - for most people I would imagine the early years are very tight financially; we had an almost non existent social life in the early years - very rarely went out together as couldn't afford babysitter. No family close by and no new car for a good few years - no holidays and most of the toys for the kids from the thrift shop or car boot sales, clothes (only bought when necessary) from asda, Tesco, primark etc.

If you want children, you will afford them - but you have to make adjustments to lifestyle; this was as true in the 1970s as it is now.

[wigglylines]

YANBU to feel screwed over by society, you have been.

Most recently, for example we've all paid ££££ to bail out the banks and the bankers continue to get bonuses while the rest of us have to suffer the effects of cuts, many of which won't actually save money anyway, but are being done for ideological reasons and/or to make money for big business.

In addition we've had successive governments fail to do amything about the housing crisis, such as address the effects of the sell-off of council housing and lack of investment in new stock. It was started by Thatcher, but Blair etc failed to do anything about it. IIRC one of the first things this government did was to get rid of the requirement for new build developments to include sone affordable housing.

And I could go on ...

There are lots of practical things you can do make your own situation workable, as other posters are suggesting, but should you be annoyed about it? Yes, because it doesn't have to be like this.

[TiredFeet]

You realise you are incredibly lucky if you have an offer of £15000 help?

Dh and have ordinary jobs and I missed several years of earning/saving in my twenties due to illness but we have still (just!) Managed to buy a house in the SE without any parental help. Fine its an ex council house but its a good size with a big garden. We work 'opposite days' to save childcare costs and we rarely buy new clothes. We have only just got a tv subscription, previously we stuck with freeview. We're not miserly but equally we have plugged away at saving and have compromised to buy a house we can afford. We rented teeny tiny places until we bought, to ensure there was money left to put aside. Its tough but still doable actually, especially if you are lucky enough to have help from parents!

[NaturalBaby]

I had a great upbringing in a decent house on one salary and my children are getting a pretty decent upbringing in a nice house on one salary. We've been very lucky with property - bought a new build with a discount very early (in our early 20's).
Now that the kids are school age we've moved abroad. It's heartbreaking being so far away from relatives but the children are getting an even better quality of life and being educated in a very good system - ds1 has less than 15 kids in his class.

It's not impossible.

[turgiday]

Do you not have any savings at all?

[TiredFeet]

You realise you are incredibly lucky if you have an offer of £15000 help?

Dh and have ordinary jobs and I missed several years of earning/saving in my twenties due to illness but we have still (just!) Managed to buy a house in the SE without any parental help. Fine its an ex council house but its a good size with a big garden. We work 'opposite days' to save childcare costs and we rarely buy new clothes. We have only just got a tv subscription, previously we stuck with freeview. We're not miserly but equally we have plugged away at saving and have compromised to buy a house we can afford. We rented teeny tiny places until we bought, to ensure there was money left to put aside. Its tough but still doable actually, especially if you are lucky enough to have help from parents!

[PrincessBabyCat]

Yeah, we're pretty broke with our DD. But, she's not really all that expensive. She just requires basic food and a few outfits. We got all of the starting supplies we needed for her at the baby shower, and then some. It won't affect your kids unless you let the stress trickle down to them.

[ViviPru]

Thanks Hec That's exactly the point I was going to make next but couldn't articulate.

[Chippednailvarnish]

You've been offered £15k, you both have jobs, you won't consider relocating and yet your moaning?!?

Beggars can't be choosers. You either carry on living in your damp flat or move. No one gets what they want handed to them. I'm sure many homeless people living in bed and breakfast accommodation would love to swap with you in a heartbeat.

[Andcake]

There are a lot of people screwed over far worse by society. Move somewhere a bit further out of town. Have you been saving? How much did the wedding cost - house and kids were more important to me than marriage!
Gp travel believe me. And are you already expecting them to help with childcare!

[NCISaddict]

What jobs do you both do OP? Is it possible to improve your earning potential?

[Lilaclily]

It would be pretty awful to spend all your money on moving and then find yourself unable to have kids
I'd get cracking now