Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 11 12

Original poster

about 'umarried' mothers?

290 replies

Thurlow · 03/05/2014 11:55

I probably am being. I just want a rant. I have seen so many comments on MN over the past few months about unmarried mothers where the assumption is that you are only unmarried because one of you, usually the man, is a non-committal waste of space, and that he has no right to share a name with any DC because he hasn't bothered to put a ring on it.

Yes, it's only words on screen, but I'm starting to feel an overwhelming belief out there that unmarried couples are less committed than married couples. As someone in a very long-term relationship who made the joint decision not to marry as it wasn't for us, and who - sin of sins - gave their DC their father's surname, it just leaves me with the impression that I am being judged by most people as less committed. It's not a cheerful impression to have.

This isn't a rant against marriage - it just wasn't for us as a couple. And it's not a debate about marriage because I know that legally it brings so much protection, which is not relevant to our current situation.

I'm just getting royally narked with all the 'if you like it you should have put a ring on it' comments I've seen lately.

And breathe...

OP posts:

really1234 · 04/05/2014 10:21

Interesting and fair points made, although I still am not in agreement with them I do understand better now.

Again as you say in RL and on here, we all say different things. In RL I would never question (out loud) a couple's choice not to marry but here we're all asking for frank opinions so all being a bit more honest and open.

florascotia · 04/05/2014 10:45

Someone way upthread asked whether marriage laws are different in Scotland.
Here is a very helpful guide to the differences between marriage/living together there:
www.adviceguide.org.uk/scotland/relationships_s/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_s.htm

NB In spite of what some people still say/think, there is NO common law marriage in Scotland.

tabulahrasa · 04/05/2014 10:59

I don't think marriage laws are different? ( I mean I know that post wasn't for me, but I always thought they were the same)

Inheritance laws are different though.

missymarmite · 04/05/2014 12:03

OP I was just wondering the same thing recently as there was a post where the op was upset that her DP refused to lend her money to pay off debts, and loads of posters went on about how their relationship couldn't be that committed because they weren't married, and how if they were married he should give her money, but as they weren't they were just live in lovers so she shouldn't expect help.

I remember thinking 'how 1950s!'

almondcakes · 04/05/2014 12:41

I think it is odd when a woman doesn't want to have the same last name as her own children.

Obviously marriage doesn't come into that, but the OP did mention it.

MoominAndMiniMoom · 04/05/2014 12:48

I do have the same last name as my DD. So does my boyfriend.

almondcakes · 04/05/2014 12:57

And?! Sorry, but what has that got to do with women who don't?

Horsemad · 04/05/2014 12:57

I just don't get why people live together, have the children and then get married! U And it's usually a big white wedding with their kids being bridesmaids/pageboys. Bizarre.

If a couple have decided they are committed and want a family, then why not get married first, which gets all the legals in place before any DC arrive?!

motherinferior · 04/05/2014 12:58

In the words of the late great Mae West, I'm sure it's a terrific institution...I'm just not ready for an institution yet.

PuppyMonkey · 04/05/2014 13:03

I don't have the same surname as my kids. I'm sorry people think this is odd. I'm sure you will get over it and so will I.

I like my surname with my name. I prefer my DP's surname with my DDs' names. It's not important to me. It's just names. I'm not the last surviving member of the Ming dynasty or anything.

Retropear · 04/05/2014 13:06

I hate my sir name,dp has a nice one with a good ring to it so I went with the nicer sounding name.

Never thought having the same name as my dc was important.

fascicle · 04/05/2014 13:08

Horsemad
I just don't get why people live together, have the children and then get married!

No doubt there are lots of different reasons, the most obvious of which is that one or both of them change their mind. Just as some married people might change their mind about being married.

MoominAndMiniMoom · 04/05/2014 13:14

Marriage isn't the only way of having the same last name as your chic. But even still, what business of yours is it if women actively choose not to have the same surname?

almondcakes · 04/05/2014 13:15

Why would I need to get over you apologising to me, PuppyMonkey? It's very kind of you but I'm not that invested in other people's lives that I need an apology for their choices.

People do all manner of odd things, as is their right. DS could change his name by deed poll to anything he wanted in a couple of years, and there is nothing I can do about it. But it does seem rather different during childhood.

almondcakes · 04/05/2014 13:17

Moomin, it is my business because it is a topic of discussion on a public forum where people share opinions!

Original poster

Thurlow · 04/05/2014 13:18

As others say, to me it's just a name. DD has a different first name to me,.after all. Her whole name is her.individual name.

OP posts:

PuppyMonkey · 04/05/2014 13:23

at apology.

tabulahrasa · 04/05/2014 13:24

"I think it is odd when a woman doesn't want to have the same last name as her own children."

But you make it sound like she's gone - I am actively choosing to have a different last name to my children...usually it's just a case of, so what are we doing about a last name, talking it over and then going, am I ok with that decision?

My DC got their father's last name for fairly arbitrary reasons, if I was at all upset at the thought of having a different last name I would have chosen differently.

almondcakes · 04/05/2014 13:35

Thurlow, I thought you said she shared a name with herfather, so she does have a shared family name not just an individual one?

I don't think many parents would give a child a name that gave her no connection to either of them.

alita7 · 04/05/2014 14:19

I haven't seen much of this... dp and I aren't married, we want to get married though, preferably before the baby is born but I doubt we'll manage to. No one has said anything...

pommedeterre · 04/05/2014 15:10

In European countries women don't have the same name as their children as they keep their maiden name.

pommedeterre · 04/05/2014 15:13

horsemad - because this can take a while and why gamble with fertility? Now Dh and I tried for a baby as soon as we got broody. I'm not waiting getting broody and bitter for wedding plans to happen.

I had a white wedding with dd1 as bridesmaid. It was awesome. It wasn't in a church as we are non believers. Maybe faith is the difference?

Anythingbutbossy · 04/05/2014 15:46

I think it's the other way around also. I get a lot of shit because I got married to my husband last year and I'm 22. It's really annoying when people keep telling us that it won't last and that our marriage is only a bit of paper etc. I also don't like it when doctors call me Miss Anything and when I correct them I get an eye roll. It's important to me but I understand it isn't to everyone.

Horsemad · 04/05/2014 18:02

pomme - what can take a while? A wedding?

pommedeterre · 04/05/2014 18:06

Yes. If you try immediately on getting broody then compared to getting an engagement ring, doing bans,booking a venue, ordering a dress etc, assuming good fertility you are likely to be minimum a few months ahead on the popping out a baby front.

In my personal case, if you wait for men to propose to you ahead of all that then you can be years ahead on the children front. In my opinion that then negates totally any 'out of wedlock' comments because at least the children exist..!

Flip

1 2 ··· 5 6 7 ··· 11 12