to cancel a very expensive treat/birthday lunch for DS because of continued poor behaviour at school?

[thekingfisher]

This may out me… however My DS10 nearly 11 has historically been a 'good' boy - sometimes a little silly but has never been in trouble at school.

However in the last month - he managed to break Huuuuuge window at school by throwing stones at it costing over £780 to replace - he was with another boy who 'incited' him to throw gradually bigger stones at it until it broke.

we were furious/disappointed etc etc particularly as it was during the holidays and they were taking part in an external event held on school property and had already been told many times they had to stay in a particular place which he failed to do.

For that he had total screen ban for 1 week, had to write letter to the headmaster and the organiser of the activity and put £150 of his money into the window.

we discussed how disappointed we were and how it was really mindless behaviour and silly of him to get involved in stone throwing how should have known better etc etc

Roll on the return of school - within 3 days he has a written warning ( a minor note of infraction) for messing around, interrupting and disturbing others - this is the child who has maybe had 4 written warnings in over 7 years at the school-

Today he comes home from school saying he has been given a match ban as at an away event on Tuesday where he was representing the school at an important event he was repeatedly messing around despite 2 tellings off and being told to quieten down.

He had to go and see the Headmaster, and write an apology (twice) to the teacher who ran event on tuesday and has this match ban. - which majorly impacts on the rest of the team as he is one of the stronger players and risks his place in the team….

If you've got this far…well done

His birthday is next weekend - we have booked go-karting with 4 of his friends and taking them out for tea afterwards - however this Sunday we were taking him to a very very smart and expensive restaurant in London for lunch as part of his birthday 'treat' - something we started last year when he turned 10 which my DH's parents had done for him when he was growing up.

So AIBU unreasonable to cancel this lunch - and when we see a concerted improvement in attitude and behaviour at school and at home reinstate it? And also to help him realise how lucky he is to have these opportunities in the first place and therefore to value them more….

In addition no screen time (which could be helpful as they have to start doing some revision for exams starting in 2 weeks)….

Am i being reasonable or not??

You can't continue as you are because it's very very obviously not working!

How can you possibly say that when it's only been a month? Most children go through times in their lives when their behaviour worsens. Hormonal changes, stresses at school, changes in things around them - they can all have a huge impact on a child who can act up.

A month is very little time in the scheme of things.

I really would be wary of coming down too hard on your son for things (a) that have happened at school and (b) have already been punished at school. I say this because we did and it turned out badly making a child who was already finding school extremely difficult miserable at home too. In our circumstances it turned out that ds2 had unmet special needs but I am not sure we will ever manage to undo the mental distress he went through over that period. I would really recommend a less punitive approach and try and establish whether there are any reasons for the deterioration in behaviour.

As a teacher, I think you are handling this just right; equally you are right to be concerned; breaking a window deliberately, whatever the cost of replacement, is vandalism and needs to be treated seriously. I would not allow any reprieves about screen time etc until after his (extremely generous) birthday treats but I think you are sensible not to cancel them as they involve other children. His change in behaviour is a cause for concern and I would liaise with the school on a regular basis, to see if you can discover what is responsible, bearing in mind it may just be general bolshie-ness or it may well be connected with frustration about his dyslexia, (brilliant reading to him, keep it going as long as possible, best part of the day!) Stay consistent in your approach and don't give up. Incidentally, I may have missed this, but what is his father's role in all this?

Thanks all for the continued comment it makes really interesting reading and good to be challenged to think about and consider my approach…

Hi shehowines

I think again having just reflected a bit more - had a further conversation with school this morning - that cancelling the lunch was the right thing to do.

DH and I are going to spend lots of time with him over this bank holiday weekend - it won't be all doom and gloom - but there will also be revision which needs plenty of support from us because of the dyslexia.

I am very aware that things are not quite right with him. However I do feel that much of it is that mad Y6 mix. He isn't moving on with school as it goes up to 13 but there are 6 or 7 leaving anyway (out of a year of 32) so there is change.

He is a generally fairly anxious child - although doesn't always come across like that and has faced up to a few new challenges recently which he has been really worried about (nothing major - new cricket club - going to dentist etc etc) and I really don't come down on him like a ton of bricks at every minor infraction…however I do have certain expectations about his behaviour, attitude and communication style and it is clear he has started "the change". he's very tall for his age 5ft 2in! size 7 shoe and def developing physically and I think all these things are contributing into a rather heady mix.

I am meeting with his Tutor on Tuesday - they run a 'help' card system for kids who are struggling with behaviour which rewards good behaviour in each lesson and keeps them focussed as it has to signed off each lesson. It also allows them to ask for help if they are struggling to keep on target/distracted …I am going to ask this to be instigated for him as I think it would be really useful and should build up the carrot element of carrot and stick and give him achievements and rewards so the +ve behaviour should hopefully follow - fingers crossed.

I do recognise tat broadly in the wider scheme of things these are not major issues - he's not bullying, vandalising, maliciously damaging stuff - BUT it needs to be addressed….

NB Boy who incited stone throwing parents have reluctantly contributed

Thanks again for all responses

The other thing which shehow can relate to I became seriously, seriously unwell on holiday last October which resulted in emergency surgery in Paris then followed by a month recuperation before Major surgery to resolve the issues.

DS through all of that was absolutely amazingly good. He was mature, helpful, supportive and loving - But I am only now back to full health so there was a real period of upheaval as well as the fear etc when I was carted off in ambulance then into surgery ( he was there for the whole thing)

That may be some sort of post traumatic reaction a bit or I might be clutching at straws

Nope I think that it is highly likely - that in part it is relaxing after worry.

Its why my DC have always been worse behaved at home. And after school trips I did everything to give my DS in particular space. He is quite introverted, so a week of enforced sociability and good behaviour meant he was ready to burst. Space helped him come down more quietly.

When a friend had a particularly stressful time, she relieved it by getting her hair dyed a rather interesting colour.
Is your DS looking forward to his new school? Has he visited it? Have you talked to them much?

I don't disagree with consequences for bad behaviour, or backing up the school with their procedures. I don't agree with punishing twice. If they've dealt with it you just reinforce their decision not add to it.

However, it does sound like there are things going on with him that may have resulted in this behaviour and I do think they need addressing without too much punishment going on.

And I do personally believe, that Christmas and birthdays should not be involved in the punishment process or something that would adversely affect others when it's too late for them to do anything about it. Adverse peer pressure after the transgression might be too much to deal with.

Don't worry too much.It's the Yr 6 syndrome.Big fish in a little pond throwing their weight around.Outgrown primary, last term , I don't care attitude.
It will be a different story when he is a little one at secondary school.

I think YABU to cancel the birthday meal. Any chance you could re-book it and use it as an opportunity to, you know, have some fun with your young boy instead of meting out punishments.