to cancel a very expensive treat/birthday lunch for DS because of continued poor behaviour at school?

[thekingfisher]

This may out me… however My DS10 nearly 11 has historically been a 'good' boy - sometimes a little silly but has never been in trouble at school.

However in the last month - he managed to break Huuuuuge window at school by throwing stones at it costing over £780 to replace - he was with another boy who 'incited' him to throw gradually bigger stones at it until it broke.

we were furious/disappointed etc etc particularly as it was during the holidays and they were taking part in an external event held on school property and had already been told many times they had to stay in a particular place which he failed to do.

For that he had total screen ban for 1 week, had to write letter to the headmaster and the organiser of the activity and put £150 of his money into the window.

we discussed how disappointed we were and how it was really mindless behaviour and silly of him to get involved in stone throwing how should have known better etc etc

Roll on the return of school - within 3 days he has a written warning ( a minor note of infraction) for messing around, interrupting and disturbing others - this is the child who has maybe had 4 written warnings in over 7 years at the school-

Today he comes home from school saying he has been given a match ban as at an away event on Tuesday where he was representing the school at an important event he was repeatedly messing around despite 2 tellings off and being told to quieten down.

He had to go and see the Headmaster, and write an apology (twice) to the teacher who ran event on tuesday and has this match ban. - which majorly impacts on the rest of the team as he is one of the stronger players and risks his place in the team….

If you've got this far…well done

His birthday is next weekend - we have booked go-karting with 4 of his friends and taking them out for tea afterwards - however this Sunday we were taking him to a very very smart and expensive restaurant in London for lunch as part of his birthday 'treat' - something we started last year when he turned 10 which my DH's parents had done for him when he was growing up.

So AIBU unreasonable to cancel this lunch - and when we see a concerted improvement in attitude and behaviour at school and at home reinstate it? And also to help him realise how lucky he is to have these opportunities in the first place and therefore to value them more….

In addition no screen time (which could be helpful as they have to start doing some revision for exams starting in 2 weeks)….

Am i being reasonable or not??

sassy - it was definitely punishing me. My parents had been divorced for 10 years by this point and there was absolutely no animosity between them so it wasn't about punishing him at all. I had very regular coo tact with my dad, it wasn't like she was making me miss 'limited contact time' at all. My parents were quite good friends actually and still are. He still comes round to my mums for Christmas dinner every year

nanny - I was just going through a phase. I had always been the good girl at school, the one who got all the good grades, I was always seen as the Golden child over my brother and I just cracked under the pressure of everyone always expecting me to be perfect. I was just 'acting out' to try and impress other pupils about how rebellious I had become now, it was very immature and silly really. Missing my holiday certainly made me think twice about my behaviour though.

thekingfisher
It sounds like you're worrying about changes in your son's behaviour, based on three recent events - breaking the window, and two occasions where the school has sanctioned him for 'messing around'. Part of your reaction seems to be based on the position the school has taken each time. I'm wondering, in the grand scheme of things, whether the messing around incidents are really anything to be concerned about.

Whilst it's very wrong to throw stones at a window, it's unfortunate that the window cost over £700 to replace. It sounds like you and your son have paid for the cost of fixing the window, but what about the boy who encouraged your son to throw stones? Has he/his parents contributed at all? Surely he bears some responsibility for the outcome?

And could it be possible that the school has treated your son more firmly for the two occasions of 'messing around', because of the window breaking incident?

I agree with the having a zero tolerance policy once the start a period of naughtiness.
Then when they are behaving well I am really lenient.

My kids were really well behaved at school and I often noticed that they were totally excused any punishment if they did do something wrong like forget a gym kit as it was out of character.

I would be very worried about why he is behaving like this. Could you get him some counselling independent of school?
Schools often say there is nothing wrong, when actually there is just the child covers it up around teachers. I also wonder if he is beginning to find work harder, or if he is starting to "feel" different to others. Even something like being demoted to the B team from the A team, could destroy confidence. Or maybe he has worked very hard and now feels it is hopeless as he can't achieve like others.

Actually a meal out could be the ideal way for you as parents to try to get to the bottom of what is going on. When does he talk most openly with you? Meals, car journeys, email exchanges, long walks, fishing? How many things does he get to do with his Dad? Is there something else they can do together?

I actually would be happier if your son was changing school this September, as it would offer him a fresh start.

I think it's a mistake to cancel the lunch. You should be cancelling he karting. Absolutely.

Getting to the emotions at the bottom of the behaviour should happen as well, not in place of consequences for the behaviour.

I'm glad you're going into school.

Children don't suddenly change behaviour for no apparent reason. There will be something going on which may be trival or more serious, but hopefully you'll get to the bottom of it.

So what, the OP should book a holiday to Greece, just to cancel it?

OP, you're doing a brilliant job, under difficult circumstances.

My DS1 who is 7 is being a nightmare at the moment, and I'm finding it difficult to decide when to encourage behaviour with bribery incentives and when to punish, it's hard.

You are approaching it from two very good angles. You are supporting the school with actual punishments and you are talking to him to gain insight and trying to make him, himself see that the behaviour is not a good idea and needs to be changed.

Keep doing what you are doing. Lots of talking, expressing disappointment, reasonable sanctions and some incentives to change.

Hope it is just a temporary phase.

DIY - I'm guessing your comment about Greece was directed at me. It wasn't a holiday booked by my mom, it was booked by my dad as he was the one taking us. It wasn't cancelled, I just couldn't go. My dad and my brother still went.

Hi king - just realised it is you

I understand that, writer, but not everyone has a trip away that their child is due to go on which they can cancel, so they work with what they have. In this case it is the dinner which is really, really important to the DS. It's not 'just' a meal out.

I reckon he'd still be more upset about the Go-Karting being cancelled though...

But if you cancel 'everything', what do you have left to barter with?

What is the punishment for the next bout of bad behaviour? (should there be one)

I still read to my DDs and they are 13 and 11. Nothing weird about it at all.

FWIW I think since the meal is a big deal for him, cancelling it is the right thing to do. It can always be booked again, a long way into the future, as a reward when he has turned his behaviour around.

And yy to looking for anything that might be at the bottom of this spate of bad behaviour.

Children shouldn't be bartered with. They are the children and what the parent says go. Punishments shouldn't be minimised in order to make sure there's still something left to cancel for their next bad bout of behaviour - that's just ludicrous!

Why can't he just be completely grounded, no social life outside of school, and tell him that won't change until his behaviour improves?

For heaven's sakes, her son was 'messing around'! He wasn't smashing the buses windows, beating up on kids, skipping school, etc, etc.

Apart from the window breaking, the rest of it, although bad, is not so utterly terrible that he deserves to be have every ounce of happiness in his life taken away!!!!

I wish I'd grown up with you as my parent DIY

DS doesn't think so!!! (I threatened to strip his room of every toy if he threw one more temper tantrum while his friend was over).

Would have done it, too.

I remember those threats well

Aaah, the joys of parenthood .....

if my ds broke a window and started misbehaving regularly I would come down like a ton of bricks, and I would also have convrsations with him about whether something had changed to make him play up like that.

However while we always need to be vijilant with our kids and ensure that we are aware of where they're coming from and whether there are issues, we also need to realise that sometimes children just do go through phases, and that generally these do pass. Talk of sending a child who broke a window for counselling is completely ott.

It's worth bearing in mind that this child is eleven and most probably in y6. From my own experience and from what I've gleaned over the past year or so, y6 is a difficult year for children and does result in all manner of behaviors. It's a year when they transition from primary to secondary and risk their whole world changing, losing a group of friends with uncertainty as to whether they will make new ones, the pressures from school over sats, possibly eleven plus depending on which area you're in, and then throw in a load of pre-pubescent hormones into the mix and you have a recipe for all manner of behaviors. I've seen some of the most placid children come out with the most horrible attitude at this age, or become over emotional over the smallest things, so it's entirely possible that this is just related to the fact he is a pre-teen pushing some boundaries.

I would definitely cancel the lunch with an understanding that the go-carting will be cancelled if there are any more instances, but I wouldn't be rushing into counselling just yet.

DIY
For heaven's sakes, her son was 'messing around'! He wasn't smashing the buses windows, beating up on kids, skipping school, etc, etc.

Apart from the window breaking, the rest of it, although bad, is not so utterly terrible that he deserves to be have every ounce of happiness in his life taken away!!!!

Absolutely. He's made a few mistakes (although 'messing around' sounds pretty mild to me). There have been plenty of consequences for his actions from school and at home (and to put it into perspective, the school's sanctions haven't involved detentions, exclusion, expulsion). Over-focusing on the blips carries a risk of magnifying them out of all proportion and possibly adversely affecting his future behaviour. I'd focus on the good stuff and draw a line under the rest.

So you admit you blow up at him over little things and you also punish him severely, to the point of cancelling birthdays over moderate things?

He spent his break from school stressed out and being punished so he wasn't refreshed to go back to school. You should have put things back to normal for at least the last few days - but what's done is done.

What you're doing isn't working. I don't know if it's necessarily making it worse but it's certainly not helping is it? He got what should have been the shock of his life when he broke that window and you and others were furious at him - but now he's worse than ever before. Either his additional problems you don't know of and need to find out about (bullying, struggling at school etc.) or your reactions are causing him to keep playing up. You can't continue as you are because it's very very obviously not working!