to cancel a very expensive treat/birthday lunch for DS because of continued poor behaviour at school?

[thekingfisher]

This may out me… however My DS10 nearly 11 has historically been a 'good' boy - sometimes a little silly but has never been in trouble at school.

However in the last month - he managed to break Huuuuuge window at school by throwing stones at it costing over £780 to replace - he was with another boy who 'incited' him to throw gradually bigger stones at it until it broke.

we were furious/disappointed etc etc particularly as it was during the holidays and they were taking part in an external event held on school property and had already been told many times they had to stay in a particular place which he failed to do.

For that he had total screen ban for 1 week, had to write letter to the headmaster and the organiser of the activity and put £150 of his money into the window.

we discussed how disappointed we were and how it was really mindless behaviour and silly of him to get involved in stone throwing how should have known better etc etc

Roll on the return of school - within 3 days he has a written warning ( a minor note of infraction) for messing around, interrupting and disturbing others - this is the child who has maybe had 4 written warnings in over 7 years at the school-

Today he comes home from school saying he has been given a match ban as at an away event on Tuesday where he was representing the school at an important event he was repeatedly messing around despite 2 tellings off and being told to quieten down.

He had to go and see the Headmaster, and write an apology (twice) to the teacher who ran event on tuesday and has this match ban. - which majorly impacts on the rest of the team as he is one of the stronger players and risks his place in the team….

If you've got this far…well done

His birthday is next weekend - we have booked go-karting with 4 of his friends and taking them out for tea afterwards - however this Sunday we were taking him to a very very smart and expensive restaurant in London for lunch as part of his birthday 'treat' - something we started last year when he turned 10 which my DH's parents had done for him when he was growing up.

So AIBU unreasonable to cancel this lunch - and when we see a concerted improvement in attitude and behaviour at school and at home reinstate it? And also to help him realise how lucky he is to have these opportunities in the first place and therefore to value them more….

In addition no screen time (which could be helpful as they have to start doing some revision for exams starting in 2 weeks)….

Am i being reasonable or not??

Wow thanks for responses…. - just doing bedtime story will be back to read and comment!

Did you say that he has had four written warnings in seven years at the school? I actually think that is very high. I would think cancelling the go karting would have more impact on his behaviour.

I would certainly postpone the lunch and let him earn it back with appropriate behaviour.

I would also, though, investigate this sudden change in behaviour. Has he fallen out with friends? Being picked on at school? You mention forthcoming exams - is he worried about these?

Not saying these are excuses for the behaviours displayed but there could be something underlying going on.

I would be cancelling the lunch and warn him any further bad behaviour and go karting will also be cancelled...

There is a punishment and an incentive to turn his behaviour around.

I am sorry to say this.....but I would cancel the go-karting. It will mean more to him than cancelling a lunch.

I am on a limb here but I would be tempted to cancel everything unless he is showing true remorse and a true understanding of what he has done. However I understand that letting others down and payments already made so as some one upthread suggested one more incident will result in his friends go karting and not him could be a solution.

Yanbu at all. I think that is a very sensible response. I would add though that if there are any more incidents the go karting is cancelled too...in fact I think he is a lucky boy to be having that at all. Those are pretty serious misdemeanours. Without knowing his school and their response to poor behaviour it is hard to say whether 4 written warnings in 7 years is alot. At my school that is a high number. I wonder why his behaviour has suddenly deteriorated though? Is he hanging out with a different crowd?

I would cancel the lunch, and warn him that one, single toe out of line will mean go-karting gets cancelled too.

Can you get to the bottom of what the heck is going on. It sounds such a change. Is he worried about sats or being bullied?
That said my v clever brother was a pain in the bum in last year of primary - simply a too big fish in too small a pond.

Yeah, if that were my daughter, I'd cancel her go-karting outright saying that the money spent on the go-karts was going towards the window instead. Then I'd make her earn back every penny to pay us back.

But seeing as how you didn't, I'd tell him he's on very thin ice, and even an angry sigh from a teacher and he's losing the go-karting party.

Yes, I'd have a heart to heart with him and see why he's acting this way. Is he getting picked on? Is something bugging him? I have yet to see a kid acting out and being destructive without something else going on behind the scenes (even if it's just low self esteem leading him to cave to peer pressure). That said, don't condone the behavior either. There's healthier ways to take out stress than this, and show him alternative methods like writing in a journal, taking up a new hobby, etc...

I wouldn't cancel birthday things.

If this happened next month you would be able to use his birthday as punishment.

I think you are being reasonable, but I wouldn't cancel either event. It sounds as though everything is a bit negative for you all at the moment, perhaps some time spent together doing something nice means you could reconnect. I think it's important to let children know that sometimes you do things for them just because you love them and not because they've been good enough or because they've earned it, and that you still love him and want to spend time with him despite his behaviour.
I would have a nice meal, talk about other things for a change.
But I would definitely use other sanctions for his behaviour.

I agree with others questioning if he will even care about the expensive lunch, I don't know any 10yo boys that would tbh.

I would be telling him his go karting is hanging by a thread and I would go so far as to warn the other parents the day may yet be cancelled in case they are gleefully planning their days off!

Agree very much with the poster who mentioned the listening and safety aspect of go karting.

I'm not a fan of cancelling birthday stuff really. Plus the bit of the treat you're thinking of cancelling sounds more like his Dad's treat than his, iykwim- kind of a lovely thing about him recreating his family traditions. So you'd be punishing his dad not him. Apart from the window it all sounds like low level silly boy pissing about stuff, tbh. Annoying and needs nipping in the bud but is being dealt with quite firmly by the school (and rightly so) already. I would just make your disapproval unequivocally known to him. I'm sure that you have done that already. Written warnings sound very odd, btw! Are the school trying to re-create a work environment or something? Is it a private school?

I am going to go against the grain here.A birthday treat is because it's his birthday and you want to treat him because you love him.It isn't a disciplinary tool or something that has to be earned. Having said that I would never have booked the meal in the first place.why on earth are you taking 10/11 yr old boys to a swanky restaurant? They just want Pizza Express/ Frankie and Benny's or some such?
Why are you paying for the window? Doesn't the school have insurance?

OK will try to give more colour on situation and respond to queries:

4 written warnings in 7 years is low but not perfect peter standard - they are handed out pretty freely and for minor misdemeanours such as forgetting kit, interrupting in class being silly…obv there are degrees of this but generally there would be a verbal warning given then a written unless for kit etc…. As I said he has a tendency to be a bit silly and to play the fool - its probably his main criticism from teachers, but not something thats been mentioned in anything other than passing.

The lunch is V important to him as its something his daddy did growing up in fact when I said we had agreed to cancel the lunch because of the behaviour he asked that the go-karting be cancelled instead so i do think I have chosen the correct penalty for him ( and luckily as I have had to pay up front for go-karting)

If it has any bearing he's an only child??? But I am a normal mother and don't pander or molly coddle or excuse his behaviour but do think to some extent he loses that ability to have sibling rivalry/jostling for position and attention so school in some ways provides him with that.

There is nothing significant going on at school. He has a wide circle of friends but no best best mates he rubs along with most people and as far as I have ascertained without grilling him there are no issues of any kind.

He is however "developing" so I think certainly some of this is start of puberty - especially as a lot of these things are mindless in that he has given no thought to the consequences of his actions , but they were not mindless vandalism ( in case of window) but more he didn't get beyond the stone leaving his hand. He was hysterical afterwards with upset at what had happened.

The group of boys the 2 incidents occurred with are different groups - but are what I would call the 'naughty' ones and just happened to be at the event re the window and at the event this week - but he wouldn't normally hang out with them so may have been a victim of circumstance.
However that doesn't justify him not using his own head and making the right choices about his actions.

My main failing is that I can be a bit of a nag at him and I am aware as an only all my attention is on him as my 1 child…so certainly with the window once he's served his time and come up with the dosh i felt it was important to move on from it and try to be positive and encouraging.
Obv now we feel like its been thrown back in our faces…BUT I need to think of strategies that encourage that sensible decision making in him and encourage him to work and try hard and pick his time for playing the fool along with the punishments so it isn't all about whats bad.

Given that there is going to be revision over next couple of week ( and now quite a lot more) I wondered about the go-karting being in Jeopardy if he doesn't radically improve but that he can earn back small amounts of screen time with good behaviour, effort etc…Thoughts?

answering more questions..

Yes Private school re the written warnings question

He is/was also getting Frankie and Benny's after go-karting he likes posh and dross

The window we had to pay for as in effect he was trespassing on school property - it wasn't a school even just utilising their facilities and I wouldn't ask the organiser to claim on his insurance as he goes Waaaaaay above and beyond for the children putting on these events and making him claim would completely change how/if they could be run - Plus he is old enough to know better!

1 other thing re trusting him at Go-Karting … I certainly thought I could (he has been before), they have v strict behaviour reqts and are quick to kick anyone off for messing about. Plus the boys who are going are part of his more regular group of friends so are mostly all very nice and rarely get written warnings!

I would also bear in mind that whatever you cancel you are also punishing his guests who are probably really looking forward to it.

Sorry if this has already been suggested. I agree with the earning back screen time through good behaviour. In regards to the go-karting, I would recommend him being on a final warning. If there are any more infractions at school then the go-karting is cancelled and he will have to pay you back for that as well. Tough love and taking responsibility for one's actions is the right approach here.

I know you weren't looking for smoke blowing but it sounds like you are doing a great job with this escalating situation.

I did mean to say that ordinarily I would agree re birthday treats being somewhat sacred, but his failure to listen and comply with basic instructions would actually worry me when not doing so when in charge of a moving vehicle could be incredibly dangerous.

x-post op, sorry.

Could you show him you're upset instead of angry?
Would that 'reach him' do you think?

I just wanted to say that I think you are right not to cancel the go-karting. I really hate it when people cancel plans which involve other children. You are punishing the innocent, and also setting an example of rude and inconsiderate behaviour (inconsiderate to the excited friends, and to their parents), I think.

Your boy sounds like a good kid, and I think it is sweet that the meal out means so much to him. I think I would find a way to make the meal happen, as it sounds like a very positive thing: a family tradition preserved; a special time of family togetherness to remember; a grown up and dignified sort of treat, as an antidote to any kind of teen silliness which you have coming soon.

you had to pay for the window? He'd be doing so many chores to pay for that, he'd have no time for screen time if he lived here, tbh!

Not sure if they still do SATs in year 6. I know mine went to pieces when teachers started mentioning them and how they were expected to do well.