to cancel a very expensive treat/birthday lunch for DS because of continued poor behaviour at school?

[thekingfisher]

This may out me… however My DS10 nearly 11 has historically been a 'good' boy - sometimes a little silly but has never been in trouble at school.

However in the last month - he managed to break Huuuuuge window at school by throwing stones at it costing over £780 to replace - he was with another boy who 'incited' him to throw gradually bigger stones at it until it broke.

we were furious/disappointed etc etc particularly as it was during the holidays and they were taking part in an external event held on school property and had already been told many times they had to stay in a particular place which he failed to do.

For that he had total screen ban for 1 week, had to write letter to the headmaster and the organiser of the activity and put £150 of his money into the window.

we discussed how disappointed we were and how it was really mindless behaviour and silly of him to get involved in stone throwing how should have known better etc etc

Roll on the return of school - within 3 days he has a written warning ( a minor note of infraction) for messing around, interrupting and disturbing others - this is the child who has maybe had 4 written warnings in over 7 years at the school-

Today he comes home from school saying he has been given a match ban as at an away event on Tuesday where he was representing the school at an important event he was repeatedly messing around despite 2 tellings off and being told to quieten down.

He had to go and see the Headmaster, and write an apology (twice) to the teacher who ran event on tuesday and has this match ban. - which majorly impacts on the rest of the team as he is one of the stronger players and risks his place in the team….

If you've got this far…well done

His birthday is next weekend - we have booked go-karting with 4 of his friends and taking them out for tea afterwards - however this Sunday we were taking him to a very very smart and expensive restaurant in London for lunch as part of his birthday 'treat' - something we started last year when he turned 10 which my DH's parents had done for him when he was growing up.

So AIBU unreasonable to cancel this lunch - and when we see a concerted improvement in attitude and behaviour at school and at home reinstate it? And also to help him realise how lucky he is to have these opportunities in the first place and therefore to value them more….

In addition no screen time (which could be helpful as they have to start doing some revision for exams starting in 2 weeks)….

Am i being reasonable or not??

Thanks for comments….

I have tried to be rational with him and to be fairly even..as I said this is/has been out of character so I am in two minds about how to play things. I don;t want to be big bad ogre who completely punishes out any spirit he has…but there is a code we have to live by and implications and repercussions if we flout those, so trying to find the right balance with limited wider knowledge of kids and only him to compare him to makes me perhaps question my gut feel/judgement.

I am not the most patient of people and my biggest struggle is coping with not being 'in control'. I have completely lost the plot with him over totally minor things historically and have tried and do have to try to be rational and patient and reasonable. Hence my need to check in with others as to my responses.

He works well with incentives bribery so am keen to encourage and reinforce the good stuff.

Thanks for all your continued comments they all are useful and helpful

They don'y do SATS luckily as school goes through to 13 but work has stepped up - he is also dyslexic which has challenges and knocks his confidence academically as he's bright but not in an exam kind of way..but thats a whole other issue

I wouldn't cancel his birthday treat. I think it would leave him feeling rejected, and with no incentive to behave well. But you know him best and what effect it might have on him.

Apart from the window, which is serious, it sounds as though all he's been doing is being a kid and a bit of a joker - and if written warnings are handed out for forgetting kit etc, then it seems a harsh crime for the punishment of cancelling his birthday treat. The window has been dealt with, and I think it would be unfair to keep dragging it up again and punishing him further. If it wasn't for the window, would you be thinking of cancelling? If it is about the window, it should have been immediate not a punishment weeks later?

I agree that you've got to do something, but loss of screen time etc seems more appropriate as a punishment than cancelling his birthday outing. I think at his age I'd have felt very grown up and special going to a posh restaurant (not that I ever did) and who knows, it might give him something to live up to, that you treat him as grown up and sensible??

Window was dealt with however one of the messages from that was to think before taking actions and to really make an effort to try hard. be receptive, proactive and he has demonstrated that, even after fairly major incident, its gone past him…so thats where I have my concern as he's acting as if this was a one off incident which it is, but isn't, iyswim.

I have actually now cancelled restaurant and I think I will use it as a reward when we see real improvement in attitude and effort - obv I will communicate this with him. His Birthday treat is actually go-Karting and tea and a very nice present indeed ( new bike) so he certainly won't be being short changed in relative terms at all

"just doing bedtime story will be back to read and comment"

to an 11 year old????

and the purpose of that comment is???

If you actually read the thread you will have seen ds has dyslexia and one of the things that is recommended and we do is shared reading.
Plus given the day i've had with this revelation time for a bit of a chat and de brief

If you have anything else useful to comment please do - can't wait

You sound totally on the ball op. I think you've dealt with this brilliantly. I hope things settle down soon for your ds. Bemused by springs comment! I.read alot to.my 11 year old Dd. She's a reluctant reader but can get into books once we've started one together.

There is nothing wrong with reading to/with a ten year old. I have read with all of mine until they were into secondary (12 in Scotland).

Thankyou Gurnie and Jinty ….

I think he's being punished enough already and sounds like he needs educating not more punishment.
He will grow out of it eventually when he realises what a twat he is being.
I wouldn't stop his birthday present because of bad behaviour, maybe everything else but not birthday.
Although, not criticising you have been quite heavy with the punishments and they don't seem to be working, maybe ask for a referral to CAMHS.

We read/do shared reading with Dd(10). She is also dyslexic. Perfectly normal, and a win/win on so many levels.

My (now adult) son has dyslexia. We also did shared reading at the age of OP's son and beyond.

My mom read to us until I was well into high school, and neither of us have dyslexia. She just didn't stop reading to us in the evening, and we didn't say anything. We transitioned to more sophisticated books as we got older, and it wasn't a bed time story so much as quiet down time at night. Honestly, it was a relaxing time, she read while we just lounged on the couch or did something quietly like work on the family puzzle or in my case play gameboy on silent. But I still like being read to. I'm perfectly content listening to audio books or having my husband read to me during road trips.

My dd (10) is practically a genius and I still read to her.

I think you have done a cracking job and it sounds like cancelling the meal will make him think about his behaviour as it is a tradition he enjoys. You are handling it all really well I think.

You sound like you've gauged it well to me from the description you've given of your son.

I wonder if talking to the school would be at all beneficial? They seem to be using punishment in order to reinforce their expectations - fine - but even after the window he still now risks losing his place on the football team.
You mentioned his self esteem and his good response to incentives, with a heavier work load and the associated pressure this will put on him to keep up (as I see he has dyslexia so will be working harder to keep up in his weaker areas), the onset of the sense sucking puberty and the sanctions he has had having made no difference it seems a good time to see what carrot work the school can do in order to nip a behaviour dive bomb in the bud. Really trying to keep his confidence up with his work before he gets it rocked by adolescence - I may be utterly wrong but I think there should be more focus here and that school could do more for him as an individual. He's being silly and getting excellent feedback from that in the moment, when it's most effective, then gets a punishment which isn't hitting the spot.

I don't know, that's just the vibe I'm getting, possibly from my own experience of a similar set of factors.
It seems his punishment total was:
No screen time for a week
Loss of £150
Apology letter x 2
Head teacher
That didn't stop the Warning in class for disruption.
Given written warning, that didn't stop the behaviour that led to:
Match ban for disruption-
Ban
Head teacher
Apology letter
Possible loss of team place.
Cancellation of meal.

A lot of that has come from you but when he's not with you he's playing the giddy goat and the sanctions aren't a deterrent or encouraging him to think on. Or am I completely barking up the wrong tree?

I think the school might take a dim veiw of op calling them to complain about their discipline procedures bearing in mind her son's current behaviour. His place on the football team is in jeopardy because he was silly in an incident that was in addition to the serious window incident.

It sounds to.me as though they have started taking a zero tolerance policy with him which is exactly what I do if a child starts misbehaving so regularly. If op goes in to complain they will think she is nit picking. She sounds really balanced and thoughtful and I think she is trying to be both firm but supportive.

gurnie you are right. - I will make an appointment to spk with his tutor at school who is very good and mother to boys so she has a good gauge of them and see what strategies / poaitive reinforcement school can encourage - as you say he seems to be on a bit of a downward spiral atm...

I'm not dyslexic & I went on to graduate from Eng Lit with a 1st, but my parents still read to me until I was 12. My little brother had stories until about 14. Lovely memories getting into their bed in the morning for stories & cuddles.

No way would I ever use birthday or Christmas as a punishment.

If this was in June how would you have tried to correct his behaviour.

Just to add I love doing beftime stories and will only stop once the DC tell me so, this is 1 thing age will not be a factor

You had to pay £650 to repair the window? Bloody hell!

And taking into account all his other misdemeanours I would be absolutely furious of this was my son. He certainly wouldn't be going Go-karting and there be lots of other punishment in place too.

When I was 15 I kept being naughty at school over the course over a few months and when it finally came to a head my mom cancelled my holiday to Greece. My parents were divorced and it was a holiday that my dad was taking me and my brother on. She forbid me from going. That's the kind of level of punishment I find works - not just cancelling a meal out.

My parents were divorced and it was a holiday that my dad was taking me and my brother on. She forbid me from going. That's the kind of level of punishment I find works - not just cancelling a meal out

so her punishment was for you to miss contact time with your dad,
crap parent alert!!who do you think she was really trying to punish?

If this was in June how would you have tried to correct his behaviour.

^^
This

Writerwannabe8 Do you remember why your behaviour was like that?

OP - how much talking have you been doing with the school about his behaviour?
If it's so out of character I would want to delve deeper.

Gurnie - I don't think op should 'complain' or 'nit pick' I think she has the right to expect the school to support her son. You may come down hard, as they have but it's not working, so seems much more likely to lead to yet another disengaged teen boy. He's 10 he may be bright as a button but he is having his toddler period again (to be repeated at intervals until he's an adult ime) with no impulse control or thought of the consequences.
If he cannot control his behaviour then the adults, professional educators, that are around him need to manage him appropriately to prevent it getting out of hand. I would be disappointed with a school who 'took a dim view' I wanted them to use appropriate and effective methods of discipline in favour of flogging a dead horse wafting written warnings and writing apology letters now it's clearly been shown to have made no difference.
I would expect a much better level of pastoral care than that and an ability to differentiate their approach depending on the child. I expect them to be aware of his lack of confidence and the the fact this behaviour has started and find it as necessary as I do to get him re-engaged with work and not allow any weaknesses to fall under the radar. There is no single reason thevop should be seen as adversarial in wanting to work with school in hammering home the same message and making sure he is not on the cusp of refusing work.

If you thought I was nit picking, complaining or would take a dim view of that then I would complain about your lack of ability and I certainly wouldn't be paying for the privilege.

OP, I think you have got it spot on. I like the letters of apologies.

I agree that he should be told that if he steps out of line again then you will cancel the go carts too.

This type of naughtiness is quite irritating. It's the type of things that might irritate other kids a lot, not just the teachers.

Do you think he is stressed? Maybe he is worried about his exams more than he is letting on. His dyslexia may be causing him more of a problem now he is getting older.

Ps. I used to read to my kids when they were little and my older kids would often come in the room just to hang out and listen. I remember reading The Wee Free Men (with accents lol) and my older boys who must have been 14 or 15 coming to listen.