To think that my parents have treated me unfairly?

[Roooobarb]

I have one sister, who is 3 years younger than me. We are both in our thirties now, and we each have 2 children. Dsis has always been my parents' favourite but in the past few years she has been favoured even more. I have broached the subject with my mother in the past few weeks and as a result she and my father aren't speaking to me. My mum said that I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut!

I will give a few examples of things that my parents have done that I consider to be unfair.

Provide childcare for my sister's children so that she can work when they won't even have mine for half an hour so that I can go to a dr's appointment. They also have her DCs on her days off work so that she gets time to herself, and sometimes have them overnight too at weekens. They will rarely babysit for my DC at weekends, and if they do they then lay down conditions when they arrive to babysit, such as say DH and I can only go out for an hour and a half (when we're seeing a 2 hour film, for example), as they want to get an early night.

They buy clothes, shoes and other items all the time for my sister's DCs, and rarely anything for mine.

They give my sister money regularly and buy her household items (appliances, sofa, bed) yet never buy us anything.

They aren't bothered if I'm ever unwell. I was very unwell last summer and they refused to help me in any way. My sister only has to have a cold and they are at her house, looking after her DCs and doing her housework.

When we all meet up they totally blank my children and fuss over my niece and nephew. What's more, they expect DH and I to fuss over them too, and get stroppy when we won't help my sister and her DH carry their bags, or won't take my niece to the loo as my sister is eating.

AIBU to think they treat me and my family unfairly?

Time to cut them loose op. You tried talking to them which gave them an opportunity to open up to you. They shut you down. Why would you want your kids to see that, to think its normal or acceptable- to be made 2nd class/not good enough. Life is hard enough without your own parents making you all feel like that.

If they truly care they will contact you but don't hold your breath.

Clearly you are hurt. The work/childcare thing, I don't think is about being entitled but I can see how some would think that. Its about choices in life. You have to do what is right for you and your family.

Hmmm I was thinking yanbu.

Then you got all stroppy at what I felt were reasonable posts. I'm now left wondering if you are quite as hard done by as you feel you are.

It's always worth considering if the other side have a point before one throws a tantrum.

So I'm on bu. A bit. But I'm easily persuaded to something else if you come back :)

If you were your sister or parents telling their side of this, what do you think they might say, OP?

OP, if you are still reading, AIBU isn't a good place for this kind of thread - you've probably realised that by now though unfortunately.

Please ask to have it moved to relationships. You may also find the stately homes helpful.

it sounds horribly unfair to me. To be frank, i don't really understand why you even bother to keep in touch with them. i don't understand how parents can show such blatant favouritism to one child over the other.

I don't understand why people are being so harsh. I could easily say I don't work because my parents don't provide childcare. Childcare would cost more than my wage. I could only work if someone provided free childcare. The only people who might possibly be prepared to so this are my family. So factually I could say the same as OP. no sense of entitlement - just a fact. But I'd be quite miffed if my sister could work because our parents provided free childcare, but I couldn't because they wouldn't do the same for me.

My last post sounds a bit bossy..it's meant to be a suggestion rather than an instruction :).

I think the comment about not being able to work because the parents won't provide the childcare isn't necessarily about entitlement but comparison in that they do provide childcare so the DSis can work

but we don't know if the DSis would work regardless of whether the grandparents provided childcare or not. The OP isn't working, she says, because her parents won't help out - that's a very different attitude to working regardless of whether parents are able to help out and is the difference between 'entitlement' and a desire to get on in life and finding our own way over the hurdles we are presented with. I am a single mum with three children and a full time professional job - people continually tell me they couldn't do what I do but the fact is, as I see it, I have no choice so I get on with it. Consequently, people around me will do anything to help me out when something unexpected happens. My neigbhour will move heaven and earth for me - but does nothing for the benefit-claiming, non-working single mum a few doors down (despite having known her since childhood and being good friends) and is very vocal about what she thinks of her refusal to help herself.

Don't get me wrong, I'm a realist. Life can be a massive challenge and depending on education, earning potential, location, availability of childcare, illness, disability etc. etc. even part-time work can throw insurmountable problems into the path of the most pragmatic and 'can-do' people. Attitude is everything, I think, and the attitude the OP has shown isn't great. It may be unfortunate wording of her posts - or it may be the key to the problem the OP is faced with. It's hard facing up to the fact that you might not be 'right' about something but it is life enriching and ultimately life changing if you do.

I think there isn't enough to go on here and therefore the usual 'bracing' YABU attitude is being brought to bear.

So I think YABU to post something do sensitive in AIBU :)

And I suspect YANBU to be upset about favoritism, but it sounds like you could benefit from a proper thread where you can answer questions and explore ideas without feeling got at or upset

I don't work because my wage wouldn't cover childcare, I think I'd be quite upset if my mum had dns so dsis could work but not many mine. Not paying for childcare saves you a lot of money each week.

I don't know why people don't understand that for some of us paying for childcare is not an option

Why do people think that someone who works is more entitled to extra time away from their dc and more babysitting from the gps than the op?

Not sure OP, I do sympethise (sp? It's late/early! ) but you do come across abit "the world is against me, its so unfair" maybe its a combination of both? Either way, you clearly feel awful about all this so for that Yanbu. I genuinely hope you can find a way to get over it all.

Yanbu op - I would write a big long letter - start with the examples of favouritism growing up - list then right up till now - tell them how it makes you feel and that if they refuse to even consider how their actions affect you and address their behaviour then you will need to protect yourself and your dc from them going forward.

Excellent post from Fedupbutfine

If things are happening exactly as the OP says, then yes, her parents are being illogical, unfair and unpleasant.

But the moment she said she couldn't work because her parents won't provide childcare, she weakened her case hugely. Even if she can't earn enough to cover proper childcare, the reason she can't work is precisely that: ie she's quite entitled to say 'I can't work because our joint wages would be lower after paying childcare than my dhs single wage'. That's the reason. No grandparent is obliged to be the childcarer.

Im a great believer in making the best of crap situations because at the end of the day you only have one life and its too short to stew over all the unfairness of it. Why would you want such unpleasant people looking after your kids anyway? And as for them saying they'll only babysit for an hour when you want to watch a 2 hour film- pay a babysitter and enjoy your evening out! No point using your parents who clearly don't want to do it and will be resentful and make you miss the ending of the film!

So yes, they sound awful but it's down to you how much you let if get to you.

How old are your kids? You will get some free early years care at age 3; start planning for when you can afford to work and move on in the knowledge you're an adult, not a free loader like your sister

OP - are you saying you don't work because your parents won't provide childcare and you can't earn enough to cover childcare costs? Have you thought about looking for work and seeing if you'd be entitled to any WTC towards childcare, or if you could secure a job that would cover the costs of childcare? (being aware that childcare costs do fall as your DCs get older/school aged).

It also could well be once you have a job, your parents would help out, particularly from what you've said your Sister doesn't work full time so they don't need to have her DCs fulltime.

What are your PIL like? Are they involved with your DCs? Can you see more of them so your parent's favouritism of their cousins losing some of it's sting.

I'd also reduce the amount you see your parents, and perhaps see your Dsis without them around if your parents will favour her DCs - let your DCs be there on an equal footing (and don't slag your parents off to your sister, of course she'll defend them, they do a lot for her, of course she's going to defend them and be grateful for it)

You might find they give extra help to your sister because she's seen as needing it, you don't need childcare because you don't have a job. You don't need time away from your DCs because you don't have a job that's tired you out the rest of the time. If you have PIL who'll help out and your Dsis doesn't, then they might see they your sister needs childcare more. (And in your example, you can take your DCs with you to the doctors, she can't take her DCs with her to work).

It's not fair, but it could well be they see things in terms of 'need'. I would stop asking them to be honest, get paid for babysitters, or ask in advance "we need babysitting for 3 hours, can you do it if not, I'll find someone else." If you can't afford paid for babysitters, see if any of your local friends are in the same boat (I know a lot of my local friends don't have parents on the doorstep) so offer babysitting swaps - basically, stop giving your parents opportunities to let you down.

And?

Some parents are not fair to their children. You, as the child, can do nothing about that.

You can do something about the way you respond, live your life, have contact with them. They will not change.

The OP's unfair treatment at the hands of her parents aren't all about the childcare or lack thereof. She's mentioned a number of things where there is outright and obvious favouritism.

The mother's reaction to being called out about her behaviour speaks volumes. She knows one child is favoured above the other and doesn't like being told.

Still, nothing is to be done except either to attempt to rise about it (easier said than done, I know) or cut contact to the bare minimum, or none at all. I recommend the "none".

"Fair" doesn't always have to mean "equal". Some parents need to accept that and some children would do well to remember it, too

Maybe your parents are genuinely unfair to you or maybe you've brought this on yourself, it's hard to say. You've bundled up them not wanting to provide lots of childcare for a SAHM (which isn't unreasonable of them) with other issues. Are the other issues longstanding? If they are I can see why you think this is part of it, but it's not, it's really not an unfair favouring of your sister to look after her kids when she works. If that's the case I feel bad for you but you'll never get them to take you seriously if you add that to your list of grievances... assuming you don't want to just cut ties. If they're not longstanding I think they stem from the first and YABU.

It is difficult I would want to protect my DC's from the pain. I would look at all the dynamics before withdrawing. My Dsis accused both my DM and myself as an aunt of this when in reality it was very hard to get to know her DC. She wanted her dc to have the same relationships as DB children had with the family but she also made that difficult in not wanting her DC away from her and when they did spend time with DM or myself (the rich aunt with no children at the time) the rules and conditions made it very uncomfortable and we always managed to do something wrong. I always ensured equal gifts but I never got to know them like I did with DB's, but that is partly because I was never allowed to and when I was it had to be on all her terms. The sad thing was everyone was hurt and Dsis probably the most.

I can't believe that some people are telling OP she is being unreasonable! I suspect that many of the people who are telling OP she is being unreasonable were their favourite in their own family and/or similar to OP's parents in the way they treat their children.

My parents were like this. It is pretty shit. They were pretty uncaring when I had my little ones and humphed if I asked them to baby sit so I could get my hair done whilst they were staying. However, when dsis had hers, they declared their intentions that the children would not be disadvantaged by having a father who was not (good enough? rich enough? clever enough? godknows..........) and threw themselves into childcare and overcompensation.

I tried to do something about it when my little ones were becoming bigger and it was getting quite noticeable, but if you do that, you become the problem.

I so wanted my children to have good grandparent relationships, but you cannot will that to happen, if they do not want to be that.

OP you shouldn't have mentioned them having the children. Mumsnet goes bananas at the suggestion that someone might get what they term 'free childcare' and loses all sense of perspective.

Grandparents looking after grandchildren whilst parents work is not 'free childcare' in the truest form of the phrase no matter how much people on here like to pretend it is.

YANBU OP. I think the fact they're not speaking to you is a blessing in disguise. Let them make the next move and crack on with your lives in the meantime.

Why do you bother keeping a relationship with any of them if they treat you like this and are no help whatsoever?

maybe if you cut them off they'd apologize.

I hope your inlaws are better.