Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my parents have treated me unfairly?

113 replies

Roooobarb · 01/05/2014 16:37

I have one sister, who is 3 years younger than me. We are both in our thirties now, and we each have 2 children. Dsis has always been my parents' favourite but in the past few years she has been favoured even more. I have broached the subject with my mother in the past few weeks and as a result she and my father aren't speaking to me. My mum said that I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut!

I will give a few examples of things that my parents have done that I consider to be unfair.

Provide childcare for my sister's children so that she can work when they won't even have mine for half an hour so that I can go to a dr's appointment. They also have her DCs on her days off work so that she gets time to herself, and sometimes have them overnight too at weekens. They will rarely babysit for my DC at weekends, and if they do they then lay down conditions when they arrive to babysit, such as say DH and I can only go out for an hour and a half (when we're seeing a 2 hour film, for example), as they want to get an early night.

They buy clothes, shoes and other items all the time for my sister's DCs, and rarely anything for mine.

They give my sister money regularly and buy her household items (appliances, sofa, bed) yet never buy us anything.

They aren't bothered if I'm ever unwell. I was very unwell last summer and they refused to help me in any way. My sister only has to have a cold and they are at her house, looking after her DCs and doing her housework.

When we all meet up they totally blank my children and fuss over my niece and nephew. What's more, they expect DH and I to fuss over them too, and get stroppy when we won't help my sister and her DH carry their bags, or won't take my niece to the loo as my sister is eating.

AIBU to think they treat me and my family unfairly?

OP posts:
bleedingheart · 01/05/2014 17:20

Roooobarb -I really think you need to look at what you are getting out of this relationship. Is it worth maintaining?

This favouritism is constantly in your face and if they won't even discuss it, you must be so bewildered and hurt. I just can't imagine being so cruel.

There's far more to the post than the childcare, it's a list of hurtful and excluding behaviour. You have every right to believe you are being treated unfairly.

Clutching at straws I wonder if something happened when you were both small that you don't know about and this informs their treatment of you?

I know in my own family, a teenager had a difficult situation which was hidden from their siblings and this had the effect of making it seem their parents favoured them for no apparent reason (as far as the others were concerned). I still don't think this treatment of you is fair though.

Thanks
OHforDUCKScake · 01/05/2014 17:20

Eh?! Why is everyone being so harsh to the OP, have I missed something?

All Ive read is someone who is hurt and is feeling sensitive??

Quintestinal · 01/05/2014 17:23

I was very sympathetic to the OP, as they sound horrible, until I read that she is not working because her parents are not providing childcare. Ridiculous.

If I had two daughters, one who had a degree and wanted to work, and another who claimed she could not work because she had no childcare, I know which child I would support....

Laymizzrarb · 01/05/2014 17:25

I know where you are coming from, my sister is the golden child and absolutely plays on it. My mother is a very negative person and has a bad word to say about everyone. Except my sister and her family.
I learned a long time ago to rise above it. You can't change how somebody act, but you can change how you react to it. I only go to essential family gatherings, once very couple of years, although I see my parents regularly. Life is too short to hang around with people who make you feel bad. Surround yourself with friends who make you feel good about yourself.

I kind of agree with Canus, although he/she could have used kinder phrasing as you are obviously upset. Failing to look for/work because your parents do not provide child are is a slightly tenuous excuse. Many people manage to work and find childcare in spite of living apart from family or having deceased parents.

glenthebattleostrich · 01/05/2014 17:28

I can't afford to work outside the home (I'm a childminder) because the cost of childcare was more than I earned and DH and I have no family near us, so I get what the OP means by not working because of no family childcare.

And some are being so harsh because this is in AIBU and apparently that entitles people to behave like arseholes if they feel like it. I'm not saying everyone is before I get jumped on, just that every thread in this section seems to go the same way at the minute.

HecatePropylaea · 01/05/2014 17:28

I would feel very hurt and upset if for whatever reason - whether clear or logical to anyone outside the situation or not - it felt to me like my parents cared more about my sister and her family than they did about me.

So I don't think you are unreasonable to feel hurt, no. I think that it clearly isn't about stuff bought, or babysitting done, but what them doing so much for her and so little for you means to you. How you translate that to their love for you and for her.

FraidyCat · 01/05/2014 17:32

At least two people have picked up on the OP comment about not working because GP not helping with childcare. The OP's post was about unfairness, her sister working is facilitated by GP childcare. It's irrelevant that some people manage to work without GP childcare. She isn't entitled, she hasn't said she absolutely expects GP childcare, what she is upset about is the different treatment from the GPs.

Chippednailvarnish · 01/05/2014 17:34

There are clearly two sides to this story and the Op flouncing after one rather mild critical comment has made her version of events seem a tad exaggerated.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 01/05/2014 17:34

I think the comment about not being able to work because the parents won't provide the childcare isn't necessarily about entitlement but comparison in that they do provide childcare so the DSis can work. It might be a sense of entitlement but that applies equally to both siblings, and I can see that they are both being treated differently when maybe both feel entitled to the free childcare.

OP, is your DSis the 'successful graduate' thus the source of many boastful conversation with your parents social circle? It would make (warped) sense why they bend over backwards to make sure the wheels don't fall off their source of 'pride'.

mercibucket · 01/05/2014 17:36

have you tried the stately homes thread on here? was your sister always the golden child? some families have very unhealthy dynamicsThanks

bleedingheart · 01/05/2014 17:36

It's a bit harsh to say the favoured sister 'deserves' support because she's working, when the GPs already provide her childcare. Why does her work deserve facilitating and why is the OP castigated for being in the same position of need? OP can't win on that one.

HappyMummyOfOne · 01/05/2014 17:39

Maybe they give her a break as she works and perhaps the chidcare was down to the fact she has a job that she studied hard for. If you dnt work, then you already have plenty of time to yourself and blaming them for you not working is daft. If you wanted too, you would have just found childcare.

If they see the others more, it only natural they will be closer to them.

Maybe its not favouritism maybe it is but you do sound like you only want to hear what suits.

IsChippyMintonExDirectory · 01/05/2014 17:43

YANBU and I can relate. My lovely mum treats all her kids fairly, to the point where she'll call and say "we just treated your DB to a new coffee table so what would you like" (bless her me and my brothers always turn her offers down but she asks every single time).

However my ILs treat SIL and her kids like royalty (in our house we nickname her The Queen) and the unfairness is shockingly obvious, yet my ILs remain oblivious.

Sadly there's not a lot you can do about it except take comfort in the fact that you are the bigger person and your children don't have to be subjected to their nastiness. I know that's not a huge comfort as it does cut like a knife, especially with children involved, but know you're not alone and they are awful to do that to you!

AmberLeaf · 01/05/2014 17:45

The not working/no childcare comment was so obviously about the fact that OPs parents provide childcare for her sister, not the OP being entitled.

It all sounds massively unfair OP, I think most people would feel hurt by this.

Don't get why some posters are being so twatty.

somedizzywhore1804 · 01/05/2014 17:45

I think OP is getting some harsh treatment here. Regardless of her work situation her parents sound as though they're treating her very unfairly.

PleaseJustShootMeNow · 01/05/2014 18:04

I get where you're coming from. My parents are the same with one of my sisters. It's incredibly hurtful. I'll never forget how my Dad would go round and do all her gardening for her because 'she gets tired working so hard'. She had a DH, no kids and only worked part time. I was a disabled single mum of an autistic child and I worked full time to boot. I used to beg him for help sometimes but he never did. I now have very little contact with my family and am so much happier for it.

Ledkr · 01/05/2014 18:15

My mum is the same.
I've let it upset me for years, I've gone no contact but found it too difficult.
Dh has helped me to let it go and move on and now I don't let it bother me.
Confronting her would t work for me as my sisters would take her side and everyone would fall out.
It's bloody unfair but make your own life amazing then it won't bother you as much.
Recently I had major surgery and mum was meant to help but cancelled as my sister was "stressed"
I just laughed about it with dh.

BunnyFugger · 01/05/2014 18:36

My mum is the same, after years of her nastiness I have finally gone NC it was the best decision I've ever made. Sometimes you do just have to walk away, you won't change them, change the way they treat you and your dcs, but, you can cut them out. Ignore the goady twats AIBU seems to have attracted keyboard warriors with nothing better to do with their time.

parentalunit · 01/05/2014 18:37

One of my parents was the least favoured of his siblings. It was really obvious to us as children, and not healthy at all for our self esteem. Also not pleasant to see your darling parents treated unfairly. Kids know what's going on. Keep your distance for your sake and theirs.

rockybalboa · 01/05/2014 18:39

You poor thing, they sound horrible, esp the learning to keep your mouth shut bit. I'd steer clear of them as much as possible and reduce your expectations of them down to zero.

Raskova · 01/05/2014 19:04

There's a log of harshness on AIBU but I really don't think Canus or quint were harsh. Possibly because I agree with them...

It's certainly unfair but we are only getting one side of the story. Their questions are very reasonable.

My gran has two DC. My mum and my uncle. We've always thought my uncle was the favourite. When he got married, he introduced my mum to some friends she'd never met and was told 'oh, you're the golden child' I found it really strange and unfortunate that both thought the other was favourite. Perhaps OP feels mistreated but isn't really. Her attitude to this thread is telling...

rollmeover · 01/05/2014 19:10

Roooobarb, post again in Relationships or take a look at the stately homes thread there, that might help.

MamaLazarou · 01/05/2014 19:10

Tough situation, OP, and I do sympathise. On the bright side, it's great that you are so much more independent than your sister and that's something to be proud of.

"And no, I don't work, because I have no childcare and my parents have always refused to provide any for me."

That's a bit of a weird thing to say. What do you mean, you have no childcare? Are there no nurseries or childminders in your area?

MamaLazarou · 01/05/2014 19:11

Sorry, should RTFT.

cjelh · 01/05/2014 19:22

I'm sorry that you have been hurt and upset by some comments, but maybe you should take note. The tone of your op made me feel uneasy and then when you said you can't work because they wouldn't look after your dcs, Even if you say you have never said anything before I bet they have picked it up.

I would always help dsis if her dd wanted the lo and she hadn't finished eating/carry bags if they needed a hand etc.
You do sound as if you have a massive chip on your shoulder and I expect they are enjoying not having you moan at them. It isn't going to be easy but maybe UABU? have a good honest look at the way you behave.