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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that my parents have treated me unfairly?

113 replies

Roooobarb · 01/05/2014 16:37

I have one sister, who is 3 years younger than me. We are both in our thirties now, and we each have 2 children. Dsis has always been my parents' favourite but in the past few years she has been favoured even more. I have broached the subject with my mother in the past few weeks and as a result she and my father aren't speaking to me. My mum said that I need to learn when to keep my mouth shut!

I will give a few examples of things that my parents have done that I consider to be unfair.

Provide childcare for my sister's children so that she can work when they won't even have mine for half an hour so that I can go to a dr's appointment. They also have her DCs on her days off work so that she gets time to herself, and sometimes have them overnight too at weekens. They will rarely babysit for my DC at weekends, and if they do they then lay down conditions when they arrive to babysit, such as say DH and I can only go out for an hour and a half (when we're seeing a 2 hour film, for example), as they want to get an early night.

They buy clothes, shoes and other items all the time for my sister's DCs, and rarely anything for mine.

They give my sister money regularly and buy her household items (appliances, sofa, bed) yet never buy us anything.

They aren't bothered if I'm ever unwell. I was very unwell last summer and they refused to help me in any way. My sister only has to have a cold and they are at her house, looking after her DCs and doing her housework.

When we all meet up they totally blank my children and fuss over my niece and nephew. What's more, they expect DH and I to fuss over them too, and get stroppy when we won't help my sister and her DH carry their bags, or won't take my niece to the loo as my sister is eating.

AIBU to think they treat me and my family unfairly?

OP posts:
PandaNot · 01/05/2014 16:55

Do your parents dislike your DH? Just trying to think of reasons why they might not want to spend as much time with you, because otherwise it's baffling!

Canus · 01/05/2014 16:56

You don't work because your parents won't provide childcare? Hmm

Right. No sense of entitlement there at all?

Juliaparker25 · 01/05/2014 16:57

I think you have to be resigned to the fact They just are not that into you ............

Tinkleybison · 01/05/2014 16:58

Good grief, yes, unhinged! Agree with all posters saying cut them out.

You've attempted to have a discussion with them about it, and they've shut you down, quite rudely by the sound of things.

If they're not speaking to you after this, take the opportunity to free yourself.

Whydidnoonetellme · 01/05/2014 17:02

Do you all live closeby? My SIL gets free childcare and allsorts from MIL and we get nothing, BUT we are over an hour away.

Gurnie · 01/05/2014 17:03

I do feel for you op as that sounds truly horrible.

I am a little bit surprised at your statement though that you don't work because they wont provide childcare. I have a very close relationship with my mum and dad but never assumed that they would have DD when I went back to work. In actual fact they did offer when she was a few months old but I would never have expected it.

Generally though that sounds very upsetting indeed. They do not sound like reasonable or pleasant people at all.

Kissmequick123 · 01/05/2014 17:05

I'd let them stew for a good while. They claim they treat you fairly but it actually sounds more like they are in a huff because you've hit the nail on the head.

arethereanyleftatall · 01/05/2014 17:05

My parents do this,exactly this, but I'm the favoured one, my sister isn't.
I'll tell you why, and it may or may not apply to you.
.I'
Im not the favourite, my mum loves us equally. But me and dh do help ourselves, iykwim, we both worked, hard, before having kids, and continue to do so.
My sisters dh does nothing. 40years old and never had a job, sees no point In getting one whilst the state will look after him. My parents do not like him at all, do not agree with his lifestyle, and point blank refuse to help someone who doesn't help themselves.
To my sister is makes no sense. I can't say I agree with it either but they are adamant.
This obvo might not apply to you!

NormHonal · 01/05/2014 17:08

YANBU. This also goes on in our family. There was some feeble "we do more for x because y" excuse years ago, but now there are no excuses and the behaviour has become ingrained.

I would also advise reducing your contact. Your DCs will notice, it will upset them, and, well, your parents will reap what they so in losing the chance of a close relationship with them.

Your sister will be taking care of any retirement home fees, naturally?

mumofthemonsters808 · 01/05/2014 17:08

I know how you feel OP. We had a very similar set up with DH's parents the situation was made worse by the fact that my parents had both died. After many years of frustration, we have eventually accepted the fact that it's just the way things are and accepted that DH's sister is the golden child and needs her parents help more than we ever did. Even though my MIL has now died there is still the strange set up of FIL babysitting a 16 year old boy despite being 75 and in poor health. It really is your parents loss if they decide not to be involved in your children's life, just try to concentrate on your own family, although it's easier said than done it will save you a lot of heartache.

NormHonal · 01/05/2014 17:08

Sow not so!

HillyHolbrook · 01/05/2014 17:09

They sound like my grandparents.

With them, it stems from my mum being independent and knowing her own mind and her sisters being needy little gits. GPs love feeling needed though so will pander to their other daughters and refuse to help my mum as she doesn't need them and doesn't love and appreciate them or she wouldn't have left home and moved away.

Besides, apparently her poor old sisters have such a tough life and need mum and dad to help them and my mum has it easyHmm because her job isn't as physically demanding as sister 1 and sister 2s are. They're both hairdressers, my mum is a solicitor. GPs then play the martyr and whine about having 5 of their grandchildren on the weekends and sulk because DM never wants to visit. Why would you visit anyone when you aren't welcome?

Do you think it's like that at all? Are you generally more outgoing and strong minded than your sister? Does she play the victim and is generally more needy than you?

Original poster
Roooobarb · 01/05/2014 17:10

Thank you everyone for the replies.

I am going to bow out of the thread now as I am quite upset by Canus's comments. I was having a bad day anyway and feeling low and it has been the final straw for me.

Thanks again all.

OP posts:
Quintestinal · 01/05/2014 17:13

"And no, I don't work, because I have no childcare and my parents have always refused to provide any for me."

That is up among the most ridiculous things I have ever heard on here.
You are making your parents responsible for you not working?

Have you ever worked?

You mention your sister is a graduate with a graduate job, do you have a degree?

HillyHolbrook · 01/05/2014 17:13

Oh and my aunts both have well of DHs and work for fun, so it's not like money is an issue or anything. They literally think being a hairdresser is the same as going down t' mines or something. They NEED no more help than we do, they're just needier people. Does that sound like your sister?

Shockers · 01/05/2014 17:13

Are your children older than your sister's? My mother expects my children not to speak so that my younger nieces can express themselves when we're all together!

Quintestinal · 01/05/2014 17:14

You are bowing out of the thread because of ONE comment you did not like (2 comments included my own, I suspect)

That is disrespectful to people who have been supportive of you, they have taken their time to reply, and you just flounce off when you hear something you dont like?

AnyoneforTurps · 01/05/2014 17:16

My mother has a favourite - it's not me.

One of my DBs gets far more help of all sorts, including financial, even though he has a good job. But that's OK. It is her choice, her money and she just gets on very well with him, better than she does with my other DB or me. I don't see why parents have to treat their adult (non-dependent) children the same.

I can understand why you feel slighted, OP, but I have to say that your OP sounds whiny and entitled. You won't help your DS carry her bag because you're mad at your parents? You sound like a two year old. Cutting off contact with your parents may be as much a relief to them as it is to you.

Gurnie · 01/05/2014 17:16

I raised the same point op and I'm sorry if it upset you. I didn't intend to. It does sound as if your parents have behaved unreasonably and unkindly towards you but equally it did come across as a strange thing to write on your behalf. Sorry! I hope you feel better later and can come back to the thread so maybe people can help a little. Take care.

Icelollycraving · 01/05/2014 17:17

Were they already doing childcare for your sister before you needed it? I assume they don't want to have children with them every day.
Have they always been closer?

OHforDUCKScake · 01/05/2014 17:17

OP that sounds awful.

Its easy for people to say 'ditch them/cut them out' but its not that easy is it? I have recently cut out my mum and even though she has been a bastard and hurt me beyond words, Im still finding it incredibly painful. If it was a simple case of cutting them out and you forgetting about them, Im sure you would have done so by now, but its rarely as cut and dry as that.

What does your DH say about the situation?

SpringBreaker · 01/05/2014 17:17

With your attitude I think it would be interesting to hear both sides of this..

WorraLiberty · 01/05/2014 17:19

I was just thinking that Spring

OHforDUCKScake · 01/05/2014 17:19

Quint give her a break, she is clearly feeling sensitive and understandably couldnt handle a down right uncalled for comment.

What crawled up your arse and died?

Icelollycraving · 01/05/2014 17:20

Hadn't seen that you'd flounced from the thread. Do you do that with them too when they aren't supporting you?

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