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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

557 replies

Shreddiez · 30/04/2014 09:32

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

OP posts:
brdgrl · 30/04/2014 16:12

Agree with most of the other posters that you should do what feels right to you, and that the nanny was a bit of a cow to say that.

It isn't just high-powered couples who end up in this situation. My parents both worked long hours at times during my childhood, because of poverty not ambition. It is a luxury of the middle classes to even have a choice. (And like other posters above - I felt loved and I don't resent my mum for it!)

The only thing I disagree with is the assertions that a man would never be judged for a similar choice. In my own experience, I have heard dads be judged for not being at home "enough". Maybe that's progress, I dunno. :(

TheScience · 30/04/2014 16:15

The children are only going to be in the sole care of the nanny for 3.5 days a week, I don't think it's that unusual.

JadedAngel · 30/04/2014 16:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IrianofWay · 30/04/2014 16:31

Chuckling at 'bookie tubules'!! Grin

Go for it. Ignore others if this is what you want. BUT.... please be aware that even if you love love love this job it may be quite exhausting. I never quite got the balance right and ended up frazzled out of my mind for 10 years or so. It's not easy.

brdgrl · 30/04/2014 16:31

There is plenty of time for career development when they are older.

Really? Because I'm already in my 40s and my DH will be over 60 by the time our DD is in secondary school. Bit late then, eh?
Don't assume that what works for your family is the norm, please.

Forago · 30/04/2014 16:33

You will be away from your kids about the same as I am from mine I reckon. There are many mothers who work full time never mind 4 days a week, and it is fine.

I have 3 similar ages to yours. In fact they were identical ages when I went back to work FT 5 days a week, a year ago. I see them for a hectic 45 mins in the morning whilst getting them up and dropping them at school and then I am back at 7pm every night as they are going to bed. Now they are mostly still up when I get in and I normally say goodnight to youngest and help oldest finish homework, music practice etc - but at first the youngest were often asleep. I am self-employed so there is no way I can take as much as 9 weeks off a year - more like 5 (and your children won't have to go to holiday clubs etc).

I can promise you that this works fine for us and my children are perfectly happy and well-balanced. Life is a hectic but if you are organized it is fine. And you have a nanny which obviously helps (I don't' but do have a cleaner).

I suspect you are getting this reaction because the youngest one is quite little still. Another year or so and they will all be up a bit later in the evenings and people won't be so judgemental, I hope. My youngest goes to a nursery 5 days a week. I initially felt a bit guilty about this because the elder ones only went 3 days a week, or were at home with me while I was on maternity leave for the next one. But he loves it there and is perfectly happy and I am much more fulfilled (and hence happier when at home) now my career is back on track (after years stuck on the "mummy-track").

I really don't see why you shouldn't take this excellent opportunity for something good for your career and self-esteem that offers flexibility for you to be with your children more than many people who choose/have to work full time. Certainly more so than many (most) Fathers.

LegoSuperstar · 30/04/2014 17:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

weatherall · 30/04/2014 17:27

What Lego said.

This has turned into another anti wohm thread.

Voodoobooboo · 30/04/2014 17:51

Take the job! Sounds like an amazing opportunity and great hours and hols for a stimulating and interesting role. Also it sounds like you have identified a excellent way to manage the situation so the kids have their parent for 3.5 days per week and dedicated childcare for 3.5 days per week. I'm in a similar set up (though single mum with ace parents and an au pair) and just arrange that activities like football, beavers, etc are organised when DS is with them not me, so that the parenting time is maxxed. It works for us,DS is happy, i'm in a professional position that means i have long term prospects as well as ability to pay short term bills, my DPs see their grandson a lot, etc.
Only small note is that i have always made it clear that au pairs are friends who come and hang out with us for a time but aren't permanent. The weepies are still there when they leave (i average about 2 - 2.5 years), but don't last long. Some stay pals, some disappear from view.

But please take the job!

hamptoncourt · 30/04/2014 17:54

This is definitely sexism.

The only caveat I would make OP is how sure are you about the hours and the nine weeks holiday? I only make this point as I work in Further Education and on paper all the senior management get ten weeks holiday. I don't know anyone who takes more than two or three weeks. Everyone works 60/70 hours a week ( even "part time" staff) and taking holidays is almost impossible.

Other than watching out for that kind of thing, you go for it!!!

BitOutOfPractice · 30/04/2014 18:02

Oh it sounds like a wonderful bookie tubule Grin and TBH a better work / lift balance than many 5 day a week 9-5 jobs with a long commute.

Grab it by the tubules and go for it!

jasminemai · 30/04/2014 18:05

Its 4 days a week of course its fine

parentalunit · 30/04/2014 18:23

So glad you're taking the job. Yes people do have this reaction, but only if they're never seen it work well before (which it very much can). You can't help the relatives, but please fire the nanny and get someone who fully supports your career and lifestyle.

The new job sounds fab, 20 minutes is not nothing, plus you get weekends and a generous holiday allowance. Good luck and congratulations!

CabbagesAndKings · 30/04/2014 18:32

Go for it, and that is from someone who was a SAHM for a few years. Kids will be fine. Throughout the year, they will probably see more of you, on balance, than someone who works 5 days a week with sh*t holidays

SnakeyMcBadass · 30/04/2014 18:45

Go for it. I say that as a SAHM of 13 years who is green with envy at your tubules.

MrsPixieMoo · 30/04/2014 18:51

Marking place. Will post once DD in bed.

Applespearsorangesandlemons · 30/04/2014 18:59

I have done what you are doing and it was sh*t. Job of my dreams etc etc and it wasn't the baby who suffered, she was fine, it was the 9 year old. The one who simply needed me more than the 20 minutes a day I could give her. I know that there are lots of people who can do it and it's definitely worth a try but don't underestimate how much your children will need you as they get older, you don't need to be home at 5,6 or even 7 but I do think that for your older children's sake they will need you more than 20 minutes in the morning. I would happily work 4 days again but not under any circumstances if it meant that I was barely seeing my children 4 days a week.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 30/04/2014 19:04

Sigh. Where is Xenia when you need her?

Grab that job with both hands OP and don't let go. And co e back in 6 months or a year and tell us how awesome life is.

I have a fairly large-ish job. Not quite City hours and only a little travel but I LOVE IT. And if DH ever fucks off the girls and I will be self sufficient.

motherinferior · 30/04/2014 19:04

In all honesty, I'm quite sure my kids would be fine if I only saw them that little in the day. We talk our importance up to older children far too much, IMO.

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 30/04/2014 19:06

Arf @ bookie tubules

Sillylass79 · 30/04/2014 19:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

charitymum · 30/04/2014 19:12

Sack the nanny for even suggesting that.

Tell your mil that having a mother happy in career, earning an income for home, who loves kids is not sad it's brilliant.

Tell your friends each to their own.

Congrats on the new role. Enjoy job and family.

StillWishihadabs · 30/04/2014 19:13

Agree apples. I had 2 periods of 6 months working very ft when the dcs were 1 or 2, it was fine. I suffered they didn't. Now (aged 8 and 10) they have far more need of me daily.

stealthsquiggle · 30/04/2014 19:14

Haven't read the whole thread, but in reaction to the OP.

Yes, the passive aggressive "oh I don't know how you can" reaction is "normal" - you will get a lot of it, and you will find out in the process who your real friends are.

No you absolutely should not let that stop you. The DC will be fine, Fridays will be wonderful, and it am very jealous of the 9 weeks off.

Good Luck - and don't let the guiltmongers get to you, or you won't get to enjoy the job.

Louise1956 · 30/04/2014 19:14

I personally wouldn't want to be away from my children so much, but since they are already used to you working several days a week, it probably won't be that much of a wrench for them. I would not comment to anyone i i knew in real life who told me they were going to do this, but i might think "that's rather a lot of time to be away from your kids." But i think some thoughts are best kept to yourself.

it is possible that the children will be more attached to the nanny if they are seeing more of her, this was quite common in the days when most upper class and upper middle class mothers left their children with nannies a lot. it was unwise of the nanny to mention it though. i do remember reading an article by a young journalist some years ago, in which shd wrote about how devestated she was when her nanny left, she said she didn't stop crying for five years, and many years later when she heard the nanny had got married and had a baby of her own, she was overwhelmed with jealousy. if you leave your children in the care of a nanny, that is a possiblity that you might have to accept.

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