to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

[Shreddiez]

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

Well said, OP, you are quite right.

Last point: as I said earlier it will be rare that DH and i are both away simultaneously and the last few posters seem to have missed that. In an average week one of us will probably be away for a couple of nights but the children will have DH on Mondays after school and at least one of us each evening and me all day Friday and both of us all weekend. Plus the holidays.

I expect we will both be away on the same night about once a month for one night. Thats when we need emergency back-up for the nanny.

OP, you really want this job. You clearly do. You can make it work; yes, there will be bits that you feel are less than perfect but then that's how parenthood works. (Your kids will find some form of burning resentment later whatever you do, anyway .)

Grasp the bookie tubule. You know it makes sense.

Good on you op, you sound like you have a good balance and it's all figured out. Good luck I hope it goes well. What job us it can I be nosey

Well said OP. I don't see why how other people bring up their kids has anything to do with others as long as they are not neglecting or abusing them. I don't believe working and ensuring they have a loving home and care is neglect.

Shreddiez, does your nanny contract have a clause where you can request occasional overnights at additional pay?

We had it added to the contract with the nanny's agreement when we were in a similar position. In the event we only actually used her overnight twice, as our trips didn't coincide. Obviously you would need emergency childcare if she were sick, but I assume she will be providing the occasional overnights if you are both away?

time - does your dh work? Do you worry about him regretting working and not being full time (well, seriously, around school hours with a 7 year old!) with your son? Are you not being unfair to your dh in your view?

You make your choices and you live with them fir better or for worse. Nothing's ever perfect.

It sounds like if you can make it work, can be happy and would be sad to miss out then go for it, and fuck everyone else. :)

I am just going to add a vaguely related musing about the expectations on what working mothers do and working fathers.

I now mostly work from home. In my previous job, I had a conference abroad that took me away for 8 days. I had everyone around me, my parents, friends, work colleagues etc say how marvelous and wonderful DH was for being the sole parent in charge of DS for those 8 days. What a wonderful support he is to me etc.

Since January 2013 DH has worked away and is home 36 hours every 14 days. I am the sole parent caring for the child, AND working. I have never ever ever ONCE had a comment saying how marvelous am. What a support I am. it is just taken for granted that because I am the mother, that that is what mothers do.

has fucked me off a bit.

So the nanny is unhappy that she has a job and MIL finds it sad that your DC's mother is a person in her own right?

Take the job, enjoy the time you will have with DCs.

I am rather jealous, but I'm not going to let that make me hoik up my judgey pants.

FWIW, I felt abandoned growing up with an SAHM because she was depressed and had no real input. You don't have to work outside of the home to get it wrong and not all SAHPs do as good a job of this parenting lark as they could.

Indeed nochips. I occasionally have stayed away for work overnight ie leaving home after the children are in bed for work since the youngest has been 1 and dh's family act as though I've booked myself into a spa for a month.

Meanwhile, dh's male cousin is away from home overnight at least once a week and it's fabulous how he 'helps' at the weekend despite being tired, doing a responsible job etc.

OP, ignore the envy, negativity and pettiness and go for it. Good luck!

Yes there has been stuff in the local London news about a club set up by fathers who work in the city who want more flexible working because they miss their children. I wonder how many women have taken on lesser jobs or stopped work altogether to allow these men to work all hours, when they seemingly want to step down a bit? Why should it be the OP stepping back? Especially if her dh is more established in his job and op has a new job.

Congratulations and take the job:) sounds amazing. You never know what's going to happen anyway- take it and be happy.

Your dc are at school anyway and the one year old will be fine as that's the way your family is. They won't be judging you, unlike your nanny and mil.

Get a better nanny who is used to working for high fliers and won't drip crap into the ears of the children or discuss with other nannys in front of the children.

And your mil, well, she doesn't have to like it, but its yours and your dh marriage so really, she doesn't get a say in decision making. Unless she is directly affected.

9 weeks quality time with the kids sounds great.
Best of luck.

I remain entirely unconvinced by the idea you can have a great career from scratch after a huge break when your kids are older.

I also remain unconvinced by the idea they magically need you less as they hit their teenage years.

I call bollocks on the idea that if you want a career the juggling and balancing wohm do on a daily basis isn't the only way to do it.

OP, your kids and DH sound supportive and you have reliable childcare arrangements in place. Anyone else's opinion (including this one, although it is supportive) does not matter.

Congratulations on your new tubules! [Grin]

This sounds a great offer to me, but then I work f/t five days a week, although in a flexible pattern with a good employer.

Nine weeks off is a huge almost unheard of holiday allowance, it's over 2 months. That plus the three day weekend make this an extremely tempting offer.

I would take the quality time over quantity, especially if the other parent was able to step up in some of that time.

Congrats, you have the opportunity to lean in (whatever you think of that book!) plus get great hols and weekends with your children, that is a great deal.

There is plenty of time for career development when they are older.

Yes, employers are snapping up people who've spent 5 years+ out of the job market and whose skills are half a decade out of date. Especially in the current economic climate.

And of course the career development bookie tubules opportunities for women in their 40s and 50s are ten a penny.

If I had not returned to work after ML I would be barely employable now. I can count at least half a dozen colleagues who had babies at the same time as me (5 years ago) and went part-time, 'freelance' or left. They would not be able to a role in the industry now - unless they took at least 2 steps down. Technology and the economy have changed things so much.

I also am very of those who have been able to reduce their hours - I don't think this is typical though. In my division, it's 5 days a week or nothing. Yes, you can ask but the business case for a 5 day week is compelling. Luckily there are other benefits and areas of flexibility though.

Why are some posters still dissing the nanny ? OP has said that nanny is happy with new arrangements and she won't be getting rid. Also I haven't read anywhere that the nanny was slagging off OP to her friends

OP

I sympathise, and its a very very sad fact that YOU are getting the blame here

However, the fact is that both of you and your DH have fairly high octane careers, meaning that you children will see very little of you, for alot of the time

I dont like the fact that you the "woman" are taking the shit here

but its is worth thinking if it will be OK for the kids, and if your DH cant maybe spend more time at home but i bet he wont

take the job.
ignore everyone else.
accept the nanny as yes a primary attachment figure in your kids lives - but that is not a bad thing with a good nanny...at xmas we went to stay with our old nanny, she is a great friend.

4 days a week and 9 weeks holiday during school holidays? Grab it with both hands and ignore everyone!

Your children will be in school for far longer (in years) than they are not (two of them already are presumably). No holiday activity clubs for them! They will have you with them for weeks and weeks. That is marvellous (probably).

The one year old will know exactly who Mummy is but, if not, since the other two will be at school for a few hours during your weekday at home, you can spend those hours filling her/him in on who you are exaclty so he/she doesn't forget you.

And I agree with all the other posters who say a man would never get this grief.

Also it is 4 days a week, not 5, so you are not even a full time WOHM, who as everyone knows is the living embodiment of Satan!

Take the job!

I'm glad you're going to accept the role .

If it doesn't turn out as you expected, then at least you'll know. Sounds as if you're committed to making it work out for the best though, for the whole family.

I think many people have missed the fact that the time you and DH are away will be only around 1 night a month.

I know a very high-powered couple who have children. The way they manage things isn't how I would do things personally, but I reserve more judgement for the people who snipe about the mother (only the mother) in the playground.

ps you might find the older 8 year old is the one who needs most reassurance etc and time with you one to one when you are at home. the younger ones will easily adapt.