to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

[Shreddiez]

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

[fromparistoberlin73]

que? I have no desire to fight with you SM! I have cleaerly stated I was arguing for the sake of it. as one does.....on MN...on a sahm/wohm thread...

[fromparistoberlin73]

ah, wondered why I had caused offence! Now I can end my day in peace, thanks

I really feed bad that on (what seems to have become) a sahm vs wohm I am so blatantly NOT working , I am just as bad as them SAHM lounging about watching loose women hey

[scottishmummy]

Given dragons are mythical I don't believe they have an ethnicity
Dragon is also colloquially used as term of derision
And I'm still querying what "dragon" fitted the bill. then again as you are scottish....." Actually means

[fromparistoberlin73]

you are being, a bit of a a dragon, in that despite me trying (and clearly failing0 to be jocular you clearly really want a ruck!!! grrr

meh, its nothing SM--no offence was intended, really. It amuses me how you have an uncanny radar for these threads!

[scottishmummy]

Is that it?so we disagree.big whoop di doop
Given youre also posting on thread you're motives aren't neutral and passive
Like the rest of us,you've got something to say.an opinion to express.thats not whole point

[Romann]

CONGRATULATIONS

[Amandaclarke]

fromparis - my take was that you were the only one swearing and saying there was SAHM bashing (there is clearly not - just observations of life) and then you put a dragon emoticon which is clearly a bit inflammatory - it's you that looks like you want a ruck

[fromparistoberlin73]

of course i have an opinion, and I hope I have expressed it without insulting the OP

anyway, you have made me feel negative. a complete stranger, well done!!! BRAVO. hope you feel good now . thats what you wanted right? to make a stranger feel shitty???

[fromparistoberlin73]

MN is an interesting microcosm of RL, and the domain of arguments and language

In that you might think whatever you are saying is 1000% comprehensible and clear, but people can completely misinterpret, and oftentimes take offence!

c'est la vie

amanda I did get a bit frustarted, but its really not worth the effort explaining why. always interesting to see perceptions though

anyway, not had a AIBU spat for ages. I cant say I enjoyed it! a bit like binge drinking, best avoided at my age

[LoveJillbooks]

I do recognise SAHP spending quite a bit time volunteering at primary schools. I think this shouldn't be allowed. It disadvantages children of working parents. My DC have asked me why I couldn't come to Sports Days, Harvest Day, help in school garden, help with all kind of other stuff. Simple, I have a senior position, manage a large team, so am very limited in taking time off. This is difficult for young children to understand though. So I do think that it would be much fairer if all parents are banned from volunteering.

[Retropear]

Ah didums so children that could do with a bit of extra support should miss out because your kids gets upset.

Kids with 2 working families often go on nice holidays,my kids are often coming hone saying so and so are off to Disney.

Such is life.There are benefits from having a sahp and benefits from having 2x wp,kids have to suck it up.

[gilliangoof]

I stay at home, thereby reducing the family income by about 70%, in order to benefit my DCs. I cannot believe someone who is getting paid to work would suggest I should not be allowed to attend sports days etc because they cannot.

[Shakshuka]

I'm a working mum and very grateful to the parents who have the time and willingness to come in and volunteer - all the kids benefit. Of course my kids would love me to come in more but they also understand that I work and that there are benefits to that.

OP, coming in late but take the job! The responsibility for childcare is one of the last bastions of sexism. When we moved to the US from the UK, I had to come two months ahead of the family. I was sick to the back teeth of the number of times I was told that my dh was 'amazing' or how lucky I was that he was prepared to look after the children. We made a decision as to what was best for us as a family unit and this was part of it. He's a great Dad and husband but if it had been him going for two months and me staying behind with the kids, no one would have praised me to the skies.

It sounds like you've got a very sweet deal that'd be crazy to turn down.

[Thetallesttower]

LoveJill is that a joke?

I woh and quite often can't make stuff, but am eternally grateful to the parents that do go along and volunteer. Not all parents can go every time, but if everyone looks out for each other's children, as I do when I attended an event recently and had four children's artwork to admire, this is surely better than a ban?

I'm still thinking you are joking.

[susannahmoodie]

Gilliangoof, sorry if this is too personal a question, but if you sah-Ing reduces household income by 70% why didn't your oh sah rather than you?

I often get exasperated by the default position of female sahs regardless of who is actually best placed to do so. My dh is far better at changing nappies, feeding the children than I am, in spite of having a penis.

Of course, there may be good reasons for your set up.

[scottishmummy]

I work ft,don't attend trips,etc.thats how it goes.ive no desire to limit others volunteering
No one has it all,and inherent in ft work is inability to always be available.im realistic
But I trade that off,as I'm vocationally satisfied,solvent and happy to work ft

[Retropear]

Volunteers(often sahp)at our school fund raise(often in school time),run swimming,ferry to trips to reduce costs, hear readers,do menial jobs,do cooking,help with art projects......

But hey let's scrap all that,it upsets a couple of children.

[gilliangoof]

I'm at home rather than my OH as I can take a career break and return to my previous job and he cannot. Our DCs have not started school yet and we are still debating whether we will still prefer to have a SAHP when they do for after school, school holidays, when they are sick etc. If we do decide to have a SAHP in the long term it will be him. So whilst it is currently me as I can take a break and return to work easily it will be him who actually gives up his career if we go down the permanent SAH route.

[scottishmummy]

Lovejill IMO,it's about being adept at explaining mum works,and how important that is
My weans know I can't attend nursery/school.thats the way it is
They're not disadvantaged,and in fact the advantage to family are significant

[Kewcumber]

LoveJill - I'm a working single parent who also volunteers at school - 30 mins of reading a week and I try to do at least 1 school trip a year.

Would I be allowed?

Of course the trade off is that I'm earning about half what I could be but (to a degree) that's my choice.

I should add that at our school they have a policy of volunteers not reading with their own children so the only children who "benefit" from me volunteering are the group of 6 I read with routinely. Not sure what's to be gained by banning me?

[PinkBolly]

Ouch.

[Goldmandra]

So I do think that it would be much fairer if all parents are banned from volunteering.

That's just charming.

You have every right to make the decisions which bring the advantages you value to your family. Other people have other priorities which include being involved with their children's education and offering some of their time to support your children's school as a whole.

However, you feel so uncomfortable about the impact that your choices have on your children that you would like to extend that impact to everyone else's children too, just to make yours feel better.

Some of us prioritise being there for our children at the expense of income. My children miss out on things we can't afford because I don't work at the moment. Are you prepared to deny yours the same things to make mine feel better?

[mimishimmi]

I'm a wahm and I never volunteer at the schools. I don't resent those who do though. That's a bit odd. Parents aren't allowed on school grounds during school hours anyway unless they are helping with reading groups. I haven't seen any overkeen sahm's either if I think about it.

[stealthsquiggle]

As a WOHM I too am eternally grateful to the SAHMs. To give that some context, it is an independent school, so less volunteering involved, but there have been several occasions when I couldn't be there , nor DH, or the GPs, and it was OK for my DC because "X's mum" was watching for me, and told me, in front of the DC, how well they had done. It is a measure of the niceness of DD's best friend's mother that she also told me how her DD wanted me as a Mummy (because I bake and make stuff). That sort of comment makes me feel immeasurably better when DD wishes I could be more like friend's mother who is "always there". The grass is always greener, and all that.

The SAHMs who invite my DC for playdates with full knowledge that we probably can't reciprocate also earn my undying gratitude and any time I can help, with lifts to parties and the like, I will.

Much of this is, however, irrelevant to the OP, given that they have a FT nanny.