to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

[Shreddiez]

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

charitymum you can't just sack an employee of 4 years for saying something you don't like!

...and your Nanny and MIL -and all the "oh I couldn't possibly" commenters on here are talking nonsense and yes it is exceedingly sexist because no one would say anything like that if it were your DH doing the travelling and yes you might just guess that this hits several handfuls of raw nerves for me

Yanbu, of course. I don't think I can bear to read the thread but wanted to support you!

sorry posted too soon. I meant to say that those years I have put in from when the youngest was 1 means that now I am reasonably senior so DH and I can cover most of it ourselves. (They have after school care 1.5 times a week and on those nights one of us is back by 6).

I currently earn 9/10ths of what I did when I returned from ML with DS fulltime for a 3 day week. We have virtually no childcare costs.

Am I the only one wondering what the job is? Can you give us a hint, OP?

I do wish people would stop implying that the OP is going to be leaving her children for weeks on end...

Mind you I am also quite green with envy at the idea of being away from everyone overnight in the week, regularly. The bliss. Imagine. A civilised breakfast.

I love Bookie Tubules and the Opportunities

Job sounds great OP. My only fear is that it won't live up to your expectations and you'll start to hate the airport slog. But not that it will be bad for your family life or your children. It's possible to have a demanding career and DCs and for it to be fulfilling all round. I do and am v happy ( single parent so substitute lack of other parent for travel in your case and it still works but hinges on great childcare).

Congratulations! (Ps any clues as to sector? [nosy])

also sum up the actual waking hours you will miss for your arithmetic - I think mornings are such a rush when you're trying to get out of the house to drop in childcare and get to work for 9 that they lose some value anyway. In the evening I get in at 5.30 - 6 (dfiance finishes at 3 so picks ds up about 4-15 - but he never sees ds in the morning so we have equal time with ds anyway) I only see ds for 2-3 hours before he is asleep and lots of that is dinner, bath and tidying up - so really compared to a normal 9-5 working day seen as acceptable you're only losing 8 hours minus the mornings which don't count too much imo and dh will be picking a few of them up on a Monday.

we like to- as you do - split our (less generous) hols to cover pre-school hols so that one of us is looking after ds so he is with one/both of us 10 weeks a year plus all weekends and bank hols - ds is very aware that we are mummy and daddy.

I had a job where I worked from home one day a week and it was my busiest day - I had to catch up on all the paperwork so I'd lock myself in the study and see less of the kids on that day than other ones sometimes. I was lucky in that DH was at home full time so the kids were with one parent, but after being on maternity leave it was a shock for them and my son began to go to his dad for everything, rather than me, which was upsetting, I felt like he was rejecting me. Now work 3 days per week and much better for it.
OP it is a very individual choice, I'd find it hard with the one year old as they are so vulnerable at that age psychologically, not so hard with the older ones.
But it's up to you, if you want to do then don't let other people's opinions matter, make the decision based on what's best for you and your family

OP: are you sure that we will be expected to and have the opportunity take nine weeks holiday?
Many high flyers don't take all their holiday allowance.

I'm early 60s and look back very fondly at my years as a SAHM.
Although we were always broke and lived on a pittance being at home with DCs was the happiest time of my life.

I hope it all works well for you.

Hi thescience

It was a little tongue in cheek.....

However it is part if job role for nanny to understand boundaries around parent role/nanny role and if OP thought nanny was overstepping these boundaries that would be a perfectly reasonable point to end an employment contract.

Go for it OP!!

It really wouldn't be charitymum, nannies have the same employment rights as anyone else.

Congratulations on your amazing job!!

As for "deserting" your children. You get 9 weeks holiday a year to take when they are off school. That is so much more than most (teachers and university staff excluded).

Those 9 week are what matters.

All your judgy friends who are working parents must ship their off spring to summer camps, child minders and clubs during holiday while they work. So what if they have an hour in the morning and one at night during Monday to Thursday.

A fulfilled and happy parent is a good parent.

I'm currently sahm. I think I would be less shrill and shouty if I worked and the DC and I spent a little time apart. To be fair mine are 2 and 4 so school looms.

I am nosy and want to know what this fab job is (and do you need an assistant ).

so now kids are fine spending half an hour a day with their parents?!
I seriously doubt that.

Absolutely go for it, a 4 day week, 9 weeks leave a year - fantastic!!! Lovely quality time with your dc, especially once they are at school.

Your family your life you do whats right for you and anyone else should sod orf

Some poorer families live like this all the time with much less time together because they are working shifts or juggling more then one job

each go for it and then cherish every moment you have with your children

You will find those that agree with you taking the job and those that disagree, do what you want to do.
It doesn't matter If I or anybody else agrees with you, they're your kids.

Sounds like an amazing opportunity, I hope you're very happy with your new job.

Don't worry about what other people think, it's generally sexist nonsense (and your nanny is probably very embarrassed about her comment).

If you are feeling concerned, read "lean in" by the CEO of Facebook, it's interesting reading.

OP it sounds like a fab bookie tubules. You'll see more of your children than most working parents do.

It's very easy for women who never had a proper career or didn't like their job to give up "because they love their children". You're children are obviously the most important thing in your life, but that doesn't mean they need to be the ONLY thing in your life.

Well put Baker.

Take this opportunity. You will see your children far more than my dh got to see ours when they were little. 4 days per week plus loads of holiday is great. You will NOT be a bad mother for doing so. Congratulations on your new job.

Good luck to you OP. If you find you're not happy/your kids are not happy, you can always move on to something else after a couple of years.
I find I miss my children too much when I'm away during the week, however well cared they are, even if my husband is at home, so I've decided not to pursue my higher work ambitions beyond my current contract (half way through a two year project). I've discovered that I really cherish the hand-holding as we walk to school.
While I was still doing more normal mummy hours I was desperate to get away from that boring shit. I found I wanted to be there more than I realised. In my own way I was being as judgemental about "mummy work" as so many people have been about your decision to take a great job.
I took a month off recently and it was awesome, truly awesome, and the children loved it, we did lots of bonding. And now I'm back at my (very interesting!) job, they are still absolutely utterly fine. They are proud of what I do and they, as children, make no judgement between my husband's career or mine. Only the adults make that judgement. The kids know they are loved and valued. The snide comments I've had from some people are staggering. I should have tweeted them to #everydaysexism, but I live in a small community.
Facetime/skype are your friend.
Only you can make the decision. For me, I had to be realistic and realise my job, although high level and brilliant, did not earn enough to make it worthwhile. But yours sounds awesomely well paid, plus you already have a live-in nanny. Your baby will be very fond of the nanny, and very dependent on her. But your baby will be very, very clear you are mum. Don't forget that. You do need to accept that many nannies do find this difficult so you need to find a way of speaking to her.
Good luck, and fly :).

So you'll hardly see your children from Monday to Thursday - 20 minutes. That's pretty sad. It's clear that you're putting yourself first, no wonder people are commenting.

I just wanted to add my support OP. When I was on maternity leave with DC2 (15 months now) I interviewed for some ball breaking jobs. It was tough to prepare for these roles but what was tougher was the utterly obscene sexist comments about 'why I was bothering'. We could have struggled on DH salary but I needed to work for my soul, my future, my brain.I got one of these roles and got them to agree to four long days. I see the kids v briefly in the morning and at the end of the day for an hour or so as they are going to bed on most of these days. So far, I'm really enjoying it. They are both thriving and crucially I am a better parent. On those three days I'm with them I'm 100% focused on them. I'm really enjoying the balance and DH has really stepped up (he was always v supportive but I was around more)