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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

557 replies

Shreddiez · 30/04/2014 09:32

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

OP posts:
Chippednailvarnish · 30/04/2014 13:04

Go for it! Those who are being critical are jealous. As for the idea your one year old will think the nanny is her mother is complete rubbish.

sarinka · 30/04/2014 13:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2014 13:13

Go for it! Those who are being critical are jealous.

Why? Maybe they just have a different viewpoint.

MrsDe · 30/04/2014 13:14

I work full time, 4 days in the office and 1 day at home. I do drop off at school every day so am with them until about 8.50am. However I very rarely see them in the evenings Mon - Thurs as usually not home much before 8.30pm and they're asleep. However, I do pick up on a Friday and spend all day sat and sun with them.

They seem pretty well adjusted (6 and 4) and I'm happy working. We have a great after school nanny and my DH is usually home by 6pm most evenings so that works well.

I echo others who say take the job. The holidays are fab (much better than mine).

ThinkAboutItTomorrow · 30/04/2014 13:14

No one who imagines the nanny will be seen as a mother figure has a nanny.

In terms of waking hours my nanny sees more of DD than I do and believe me there is no confusion on anyone's part who is the mother or who DD cares for. She would be sad if we changed nanny but not devastated. Even at 2 there is a significantly stronger attachment to parents than nanny. As there should be, because it is reciprocated.

Go for it OP - sounds a great job with a good family life balance.

dingalong · 30/04/2014 13:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mmgirish · 30/04/2014 13:41

OP, what a wonderful thing for your children to see a strong working mother. Ignore people who are critical of your career choices. Like other posters have said, fathers are rarely critiqued for the employment choices. Good luck!

pommedeterre · 30/04/2014 13:44

dingalong - THAT is the way to post with a slightly different viewpoint. No judging, no boxing of women. No mummy bashing at all.

ifyourehoppyandyouknowit · 30/04/2014 13:48

Sounds like a fantastic opportunity OP, and anyone who judges or comments on it, without putting equal judgement on your husband, is an arsehole and sexist to boot.

Would I do it personally? I don't know, as I've yet to find a career that inspires me or I enjoy as much as that, but in theory if I loved the job, I would definitely consider it.

Chippednailvarnish · 30/04/2014 13:54

Because Nanny telling a friend she is "deserting" her children and telling your Dil it's "sad" isn't expressing a considered viewpoint it's simply being said to hurt the OP's feelings.

Or of course both the friend and the Mil live in a 1950's timewarp. After all I bet they wouldn't say the same thing to a man.

TreadSoftlyOnMyDreams · 30/04/2014 14:14

Assuming that the new role will deliver on a 4 day week and you won't be glued to a blackberry for the following 3 days, I would take it in a heartbeat. I spent 12 months, working 2 weeks a month out of the country with only standard 5 weeks leave. DD1 was 8 months when that started. She has no recollection whatsoever.

I would sit down and have a serious chat with DH though - if you are both in careers where neither of you can down tools in a childcare emergency or be present quickly if there is a serious illness, that's an awful lot of responsibility for your nanny if you are both overseas. All it takes is one lengthy trip to A&E with a bumped head for there to be an emergency call to the unwilling and unsupportive MIL to come in and take care of the other two.

SizzlesSit · 30/04/2014 14:35

I am out of the house 5 days a week 8am-7.30pm since DS was 6 months. On average I get home later than that 2 times a week - anything from 30 mins to 5 hours.

2.7 yr old DS knows exactly who his mummy is (and I am totally his favourite person) and very quickly changed his sleep so I see him a couple of hours an evening (except if I got back v late) and a bit in the morning. He compensates with longer naps.

Id say try it. If it doesnt work for your family then you can change later. You obviously have brains and talent so would be able to find something else.

StillWishihadabs · 30/04/2014 14:36

Congratulations OP. I completely agree with everyone else who said get dh to step up/ no one would have this attitude to a man.

I am really intrigued by everyone who said wait till the children are older, I can only assume these posters have very young dcs themselves. IME it is much harder to work away/ long hours now they are at school, certainly dh and I can't do it on the same day. In mid-late primary school coordination of clubs, social life and homework not to mention the intricacies of the favour bank!

SizzlesSit · 30/04/2014 14:37

Oh and yes, very irritating that DH sees less of DS than I do but no one would ever criticise that whereas Im fair game apparently...

FourForksAche · 30/04/2014 14:37

go for it, all you need is a bit of extra support for the nanny.

Timetoask · 30/04/2014 14:39

I guess we are all different, but no job on this earth would make me stop from seeing my kids everyday for proper time together.
I have a 7 year old boy and time with him is really precious.
I am not being funny here, but I think the nanny will be bringing up your children for you. I hope you won't regret it in years to come.

FourForksAche · 30/04/2014 14:42

time, I completely disagree, she will be spending 50% of her time with them, just spread a little differently.

many dads do less.

Metalgoddess · 30/04/2014 14:45

I'm not jealous at all. I would hate travelling away from my dcs on a regular basis. I'm their parent so wish to be there for them. Regardless of gender roles, I don't believe that both parents should be regularly travelling away, it's not fair on them in my opinion and no amount of extra money, promotion or opportunity would make me want to take a job like that. There is plenty of time for career development when they are older. I agree with the nanny on this one.

Metalgoddess · 30/04/2014 14:46

I get 8 weeks annual leave per year and work 15 hours over 2 days.

motherinferior · 30/04/2014 14:54

As bookie tubules go, this is one I would have killed for, frankly. Fabulous job - as the divine LadyRabbit pointed out, why the hell should you not want and need a fabulous job - and Friday off to do parent-y stuff.

Original poster
Shreddiez · 30/04/2014 14:57

Thanks everyone.

Just to clarify that the nanny is very happy with her propsed new hours as she gets nine weeks paid leave a year. We just need to discuss emergency back-up. Despite her unfortunate comment i am not going to consider replacing her as the kids lover her, their friends love her, she is reliable and fun and we find her easy to live with.

Re my MiL, I am not criticising her for not wanting to do childcare, I never expected her to help out regularly. Having said that,
I do think it is sad that she doesn't want more of a relationship with her grandchildren, I would love her to want to be close to them, but thats a whole other thread.

I'm pretty much decided that I am taking the job. I have not signed anything yet but am preparing to do so. I did talk to the eldest about it and she was v relaxed. The truth is that she and the 5 year old have so many clubs and playdates after school that even when I was on maternity leave i was shocked how little I saw of them in the week. When i did see them i was rushing around making dinner, dropping them off places etc. Fridays -Sundays will be much more protected time than that.

OP posts:
Retropear · 30/04/2014 14:58

What metal said however this opinion is due to both parents travelling a lot and being absent,sounds awful for the kids involved.

I don't think the op should necessarily be the one to compromise her wants though.I think in the best interests of the children one of them should(either mum/ dad)or both slightly.

Retropear · 30/04/2014 14:59

Masses of clubs aren't necessarily a good thing.

weatherall · 30/04/2014 15:01

If a father worked 4 days people would be calling him a saint.

You are not abandoning your DCs, please don't feel guilty.

Original poster
Shreddiez · 30/04/2014 15:03

"i'm their parent so wish to be there for them".

Metal Goddess, I believe i can be there for them and do this job. I do not believe you have to be physically present 24/7 to be there for loved ones. In fact i believe you can be physically present and so bored/harassed/tired that you are not really there in a loving and engaged way. For the 3 days a week I will be home I think i will be much more open to engaging and playing and being involved because i will have been away and had other experiences and been refreshed. I also believe when i am not physically there i can ensure the person caring for them provides a loving and stable base.

OP posts: