to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

[Shreddiez]

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

[sassysally]

I would be worried what would happen if the nanny (whether this one or another) leaves? You would be leaving the kids for 4 days with someone they don't know.

[ConfusedPixie]

Thinking about it, re nanny and increased hours, if they were needed, would you be able to lighten the load on her if she was not sure about staying? A babysitter if she had any regular activities that may be disrupted by proxy parenting, a cleaner if she is a nanny/housekeeper, an extra pair of hands on longer days?

Or even just allowing her to have a companion/friend round to keep her company (if you don't already)? My bosses are quite happy for my other half to be there whilst I work, obviously I don't take the piss with that but it's nice for him to be able to arrive an hour before my finish time or stay for and hour in the morning and go for a walk with him and the kids on a nice day occasionally, or for him to be about when I'm babysitting and proxy parenting, it does make me much more willing to do the more unsociable hours and the extra time tbh.

[MarshaBrady]

Take the job, don't sack the nanny.

See how you feel and children are, you have to give it a go.

[RubyReins]

Congratulations on your new role OP! Brilliant news.

My DS has been in full time childcare since he was 15 weeks old (I went back to work when he was 9 weeks old and DH took over until a nursery place became available) and he knows exactly who mummy and daddy are; there has never been the slightest issue with that. I got a load of raised eyebrows and snide comments too from family and friends but I am the breadwinner in our family set up and I have a challenging career that I adore. I am not just "mummy". I ignored all negative comments and I have never had a second's guilt about not being at home with him more. My DH has never had to deal with that level of judgement so I shouldn't have to either. At weekends and in the evenings (when he stays up later than he should) he gets our undivided attention as far as possible.

In my view if we are ever going to move forward, it is critical that parenting is as equal as possible. It is heartening to see on this thread how many contributers are commenting that if you were a man you would be considered a wonderful provider with lots of family time off whereas as a woman you are hard nosed and career focused with not a thought for your poor neglected offspring. Men never face these criticisms and these views must be challenged.

We do not have GPs nearby but we have carved out a network of support of good friends and DS's uncles who have in times of need plugged the babysitting gap and we are grateful for it. We are similarly positioned for our friends in need (we all call it our "urban family") and willing to assist where we can.

Grasp the opportunity (or bookie tubule ) with both hands OP - the rest will sort itself out and you will be a happier and more fulfilled parent for it (well, I am!).

[Sunnydaysablazeinhope]

At work four days? So at or around the kids 3 full days per week? Sheesh. It's fine. Don't stress!

What Skype is made for! :)

[DontGiveAwayTheHomeworld]

Go for it, if you don't like it you can quit. If you don't give it a try, you'll always have that "what if?" in the back of your mind.

Children are very adaptable, it won't do them any harm. I'd go so far as to say it would be a good thing - they'll see you doing something you love, that makes you happy, and happy parents mean happy kids.

[Gen35]

I wish I was in your position! I reckon your otherwise lovely nanny was concerned about the lack of back up - once you put something in place there I should think it'd be fine. In work 4 days a week and on those days it's really not quality time hassling them out the door and giving them a bit of dinner before bed...

[DangerRabbit]

Not read the whole thread but that's a great job opportunity! I would definitely take the job and ignore the passive aggressive comments - as others have said, no one would talk like that if you were the kids dad not mum! I also agreed with others who said that you should watch the nanny and consider getting one who agrees with your job decisions rather than sits around making snarky comments. Good luck!

[Katy1368]

April my little one did not " cling" to our nanny at all, that is a ridiculous assumption. When she was with me she was just as happy as when with her nanny.

OP doesn't judge MIL for not helping with childcare, no GP is obligated to help with childcare at all. What she CAN judge her for is not helping out then choosing to make negative comments on OP's choices. That would make me mad.

[just1moretime]

I agree thar 3 days and 9 weeks holiday is plenty of time if the alternative if forever regretting not taking a job. I had a lifetime sahm who always used to talk about the job she had before she had me, and how great it was. She was on prozac by the time we were teenagers. We all have anecdotes that we use to influence our own and others decision making. I work 3 days (not as long hours though) and make sure the time I have with the kids is just for them, not doing housework or any other catching up stuff. Ignore other people. They don't have to live your life. I doubt your kids

[hopingforanothermircale]

Like Ikea says, I'm not sure I'd be happy with the situation overall i.e. both parents being away for most of the time, especially with a 1 year old.
9 weeks leave is a lot though, but will you really be able to take all of the summer holidays as a block of leave?

[DoJo]

I was going to post a well-reasoned and thorough assessment of your situation, but what the fuck do I know about it?! Do what makes you and your family happy, even if that does mean playing the long game to a certain extent. Tell everyone that you will be happy to hear their opinions when they are in EXACTLY the same position as you, have worked it our perfectly and can travel back in time to offer advice.

[CSIJanner]

GilesWithAChainsaw

bookie tubules = opportunities

I'm going to use that from now on. However it will probably irritate DH.

OP - it does sound a great job and if you're willing, you should go for it. You've thought through childcare, holidays and think of the fun you can have in those 9weeks. Ladyrabbit on pg1 summed it up perfectly.

[jellybeans]

I couldn't do it but everyone wants different things in life. I am just not that career focused anymore.

I do sometimes feel a bit sorry for DC that have both parents working extreme long hours though. Could one of you cut back? I just don't see any job as being worth losing all that time with DC but like I said that is from my own point of view. It is your life and you know what is right for your own family. I think some will judge though but we all get judged by people sadly whether we SAH orWOH can't win!

[Katy1368]

Good post Dojo!

[janey68]

Ignore the doom and gloom merchants.
It's your family, and as long as you are all happy and your children are thriving, it's no one else's business. Sometimes people just want to take a bit of the shine off other people's success.

[WooWooo]

Good luck OP. I couldn't do what you are going to do but each to their own, I say this as a working Mother, your Nanny sounds lovely btw so don't fall out with her, I agree with her comment tbh.

I can tell from your OP that you are very excited by this job but I fail to believe that this type of opportunity will "never" come again.

[LoveSardines]

Congratulations OP!

Of course you must go for it and enjoy it and ignore the naysayers.

Good for you :)

[Lottapianos]

Well done on the new job - how exciting. This sounds like classic sexism. No-one would ever guilt trip a man in this way. And there may well be a hefty dollop of jealousy in there too. Sod 'em. Accept the job and I hope you enjoy it

[pommedeterre]

Just to counteract all the 'my mum' stories. My mum stayed at home and it created real issues for us during my teens. Much better childcare as a youngster than the disconnect we had during those delicate teenage years.

I think my mum still suffers from being unfulfilled.

[TondelayoSchwarzkopf]

Congratulations on your great job! I think you've negotiated a great package with the Fridays off and the annual leave and as other people have pointed out - it's more time spent with the kids than a ft 9-5er.

I would agree at having alternative childcare options in place e.g. can your eldest try an after school childminder / club or can you start having a regular baby sitter --- so you have back up in case your nanny was ill / had holiday that clashed etc.

I think your nanny made an unfortunate remark - nothing more.

Ignore judgy remarks - you are there for your kids when it matters, you are demonstrating a strong work ethic and a passion for a career and you are providing for them financially.

Plus it is lovely to have kids that have a great relationship with other adults and carers - they really benefit from this. My DS still is in touch with his (now ex) nanny and they adore each other. He also gets on wonderfully with his CM. He knows who is mum is.

[NigellasDealer]

they are probably jealous tbh