to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

[Shreddiez]

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

It seems to me, very odd that complete people wouldn't be prepared to let the OP try it out.

I mean, sure criticise if the kids were miserable. But she hasn't even tried it yet?

Why the need to criticise in advance?

Sheesh, I'm sure some people would hate it to work out ok.

Congratulations on the job offer !

Me personally ? No I wouldn't take it, not with children as young as you have. I would want to be round a lot more than 20 mins a day 4 days a week for my children. I still have a career that I enjoy but it was important to DH and myself that we were the main carers to our DC's not external care so we have fitted things around our children. They are only young once

The man issue is a non event here as DH and I are a team and like I said both of us wanted one of us to be around as the primary carer.

Good luck whatever you decide to do, it's your family and your choice however I suspect your feeling some guilt otherwise it would be a non issue about accepting it hence your posting on here. But I may be wrong !

Jaded OP has said they will not abraod at the same time. So he can't be travelling that much. Not away for days and days at a time.

If it is too much for the nanny, I would consider sending the eldest to a really nice boarding school. This would also reduce the risk of the nanny being stuck in case of one of the kids needing hospital treatment (very unlikely event no doubt) whilst both parents are abroad. BTW it can be done, Nicola Horlick managed very,successfully with five kids.

PotatoPrints why on earth are you sending your DD to boarding school? Do you think it's s good bookie tubules opportunity for her? Do you think it's a better education that's available there? Why do you want her to get a good education? Do you want her to do well in exams and maybe gain a good career or fulfilling profession that will allow her to be independent financially and support herself comfortably?

What's the point if as soon as she has children she has to throw it all away and give up her whole life to do nothing other than look after her children 24/7 and support her husband's career?

Jaded your version of 'family life' may not be the same as everyone elses - and people doing it differently doesn't make it wrong

you worry about your kids welfare and let the OP look out for hers

crying 'will no one think of the children' over and over is slly

I don't know about 'the value of chatting while your children eat personally. Most people I know sod off into another room to watch telly because it gives them 30 mins of peace from child-wrangling all day long.

I do think the 'would a man be judged' argument is perfectly valid. The confectionery being constructed around being a physically present mother on this thread is laughable.

meh

I am a WOHM and I very gently riased some things OP might want to consider

I was not being sexist, or 1954. I think the OP gets the shitty end of the stick being a woman and wanting to do this

but I also think it might be quite tough on the kids, and the Nanny too.
thats all.... but at the end of the day, the family can re-assess if they need to

the excellent holiday , and 4 day week needs to be weighed against fact that there might be weeks when both are away and children only have a Nanny in charge, and OP has said they get NO family help. thats all

Well if you don't know jaded why immediately assume it's a problem?

The OP says that 99% of the time, one of them will not be travelling.

It seems to me that often people look at a situation that is different from their onw and simply cannot see how it might well work. Its a lack of imagination of course.

And how people jump to a conclusion that it simply cannot work in advance is beyond me.

I assume it's because they live in a homogenous group. But blimey, life is wide and coloured and rich and textured. Many people living different ways. And lots and lots of thriving kids .

OPs primary reactions seems to be annoyance at people who have questioned her, and how they raised it. Their comments can be read as being both annoying and sexist, I can see that

but her primary reaction seems to be outrage at the naysayers, rather than "will this work for my kids, and my Nanny IYSWIM"

Shreddiez - brilliant

You should definitely take this opportunity. Ignore the naysayers on this thread, who seem to have slipped through a hole in the space:time continuum from 1950. And how passive aggressive their comments are - totally confirming your experiences so far!

Your children will be fine. There will be no doubt who their mummy is (or their daddy, for that matter ). Your nanny sounds like she's already a well-established part of the family - clumsy banter aside.

The only piece of advice I would give you is to register with a local nanny agency - and brief them on your situation, so that you can get a temporary nanny at very short notice should an emergency arise.

Good luck!

BakerStreet

She intends to employ a nanny to accompany her on her latest tour.
She's adopting a daughter and having no man.
She's only 10
I'd never send her anywhere, she was begging to go to specialist music school for ages, but just recently she said she'd miss home too much, but she will probably get the urge again when she's a bit older.

FromParis - there are only going to be 3 days when both the OP and her DH are working. And they're going to avoid both being out of the country at the same time as much as possible. So no different from any other working parents - actually substantially better than a lot of them who are in breakfast club/after school club 5 days a week.

there is thinking, over thinking and projecting ...

I didn't see my kids at all this morning, or last night and in August I will be away for a whole week without them

I am divorced and they spend 30% of their time with their dad

they are fine

she asked in working 4 days out of 7 was bad - to think it would mean the end of the world is rather dramatic

It sounds great OP - as long as you definitely will be able to have those 9 weeks of holiday during school holiday. That has been agreed and written into your contract hasn't it?

Your nanny was hopefully not thinking when she made her comments. She sounds ideal in every other way which is fab. I wouldn't want to embark on something like this with an unknown entity of a nanny.

Back up for when you and your DH are both out of the country will be a headache, but one worth persevering with.

Good for you I say - keep us posted.

Obviously it's the children who are in after school club, not the parents working FT

The op says if he goes abroad its for 1-2 nights at a time, also that when she's home she will see the dcs for around 20 mins in the morning. By that I assume some weeks she may get to see them every morning if she's not traveling so it's not like it's going to be all the time.

morethan I have no doubt that your DD will be a proffesional musician one day.

From what you've said about her, the drive is there. The ambition. The talent.

But, as I'm sure you know, the life of a professional musicain is hard. And it involves endless travel.

I know you think that it shows 'good values' to give up work to be a SAHM. But what if your DD after all those yeras training wants to carry on making music?

Surely you trust her enough to know she can do that and be a great parent?

I can't believe that would be impossible...