to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

[Shreddiez]

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

No, we are not saying 'take it because a man would'. We are saying 'take it because it sounds rather fabulous'.

OP, they would probably feel more secure with you actually, being their mum and all.
People are just trying to get you to think about it a bit more, which to me sounds more beneficial and having YOUR children's best interests at heart, rather than those stating a man can do it so why shouldn't you. Hardly helpful.

No jaded we have said that the criticism would never be directed at a man.

And it wouldn't.

My DH is only ever described in glowing terms as a parent (especially from SAHMs whose partners are less than interested in the DC and the home, leaving it all to the SAHM) yet he works bllody hard.

I probably have the most family freindly job in the world yet people still endlessly ask how I juggle.

It is sexism pure and simple.

morethan how comfortable would you be with people trying to get you tpo think more about sending your DD to boarding school (as you have said is the plan) ?

Would you really think those people knew you or their daughter?

Would you think they really knew your situation?

Or would you think they were sticking their beak in because they had no imagination to see that different families work in different ways?

I've looked after a little girl for 2 years (since she was 9mths old) for 45 hours a week with just 4 weeks off a year and rest assured she knows who her mum is!!

jaded the posers are regulars...

TheWord

I would criticise both parents who planned on working abroad and leaving their dc with a nanny. Yes, one of them at a time, but both together, meh.
hardly sexist.
My dh works abroad sometimes but I don't go too, not without the dc, I couldn't for shame. Especially if it wasn't purely for financial means, to pay for food or a roof.

OP, you have made up your mind.

I personally think you are putting your own needs and wants before your children's despite your convincing yourself you are setting them a good example. Twenty minutes, not even quality minutes by the sounds of it, with your mum four days a week are in no way enough.No amount of money is worth missing time with your children IMO. They are so little, and these years are precious (cue scottishmummy appearing on the thread and sneering about pwecious moments...) I am quite sure they would prefer to have you at home.

And no, I am not jealous, and I would say this to any parent, regardless of gender. Your children need you and it's sad that you are going to miss out on so much of their lives, and you are going to miss so much. MNers tend to be all about putting yourself first so I'm not surprised that you've had the response you've had. Good luck and all, but I'm sorry for your kids.

Word

My dd will be very close, I will see her most days and she'll be about 14 not a baby

Go for it! No one's business but you, your children and your dh. If you are both comfortable then it will work for your family. Good luck!

BTW what is wrong with sending your kids to boarding school? They can be brilliant and many boarders love all the opportunities they get. Of course OP's youngest two are a bit too young but the 8 year old may enjoy it if given the choice.

Congratulations on your achievement,securing a job you value,and great holidays
Damn of course take the job!you want it,they want you
Youll be fulfilled,good role model,earn own money,feel stimulated

'for shame' and 'putting your needs first' so much pearl clutching it's like a free diving contest in here

OP you are allowed to take a job because you want to, it interests you and you will get something out of it - women don't have to confine themselves to a life of only working when the family needs them to or in jobs that allow them to work duel roles all the time - it's 2014 - women can go to university and everything

I can guarantee your children wont grow an extra head of turn your home into a live version of Lord Of The Flies because you work slightly more than PT

go - enjoy - and laugh

Congratulations on the job OP! The negative reactions you are getting are awful, if it were a man everyone would be congratulating him and say what a great opportunist it was, how well he provided for his family.

Go for it if it's what you want and you can make it work for your family.

Last year while on mat leave I interviewed for (and came second in the recruitment process) for a similar amazing job, long hours, fantastic money, international travel. DH was going to drop back to working 3 days if I got it. We didn't tell his parents I about the interview because we absolutely knew they would freak out (1) about me "abandoning" DS when he was 8 months old and (2) about how going to part time would be TERRIBLE for DH's career, a risky move etc.

As it turns out I am now doing 3 days a week at the same job I had before DS, DH is working full time, sometimes long hours. Everyone goes on about how it's "the perfect balance". Well actually the other way round would've been better perhaps as we would have had a higher household income!

I'm glad things worked out the way they did, but just using my example to show the bullshit of this conditioning that says (1) mums working long hours are selfish and letting their families down and on the flip side (2) dads who actively reduce their hours are not "man" enough, "not providing for their families" (DH says he feels conditioned this way!).

Turn it all on its head I say!!

Good luck with the new job OP and don't let the haters get you down

As

I was not saying I would take it because a man would.

I was saying why should I choose to limit myself due to social constructs developed around what is between my legs. If it wouldn't be a debate for a man, it shouldn't be one for a woman.

No man would be guilted out of a job offering three days a week with their children and nine Weeks holiday because other people disapproved they had to use Childcare the rest of the time.

More fool any woman who would.

morethan the fact remains that a lot of people will judge you!

They will say that a teenager should sleep at home each night and not be farmed off to a boarding school.

They will say it will be emotionally damaging.

Theyw ill say that you should allow it for shame.

My point is what would you think of peoiple with those views?

Would you think a. they seem nice caring people who are only worried for my DD or b. that they're busy bodies with no imagination to see that life can work in many different ways?

more the op has already said that her and her dh can work it so that 99% of the time one of them will be in the country

so - she would not be working 47% of the time - so 53% IE just over half ...ergo slightly more than PT

she is entitled to have a satisfactory and fulfilling life outside of the home ...as long as she doesn't show her ankles

I would rather have had 2 or 3 days a week with a happy mum or dad and the rest of the time with a nice nanny, than 7 days a week with my disinterested mum.

Quality time. Quality, not quantity.

and actually - so what if it works for the OP it's really not any one elses beeswax

if you are that concerned for her children's welfare maybe call ss

I am sure they will grow up loved and cared for with parents who have lots of interesting experiences to share with them

Havanna that was my understanding. For 99% of the time, one parent will be in the UK.

So what? A couple of times a year, they will both be away and the DC will be with their nanny.

And I thoiught he was going to work flexibly on Mondays? No?