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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to want to accept amazing job opportunity without being judged for "deserting" my three children.

557 replies

Shreddiez · 30/04/2014 09:32

I have three children aged 8, 5 and 1. I have always worked a 3 or 4 day week since having them. DH works full time and travels quite a bit. We have no family help but we do have a live-in nanny.

I have been offered an amazing job. An opportunity like this will never come-up again: fascinating work, good money, chance to make a real difference.

The new job would mean a lot of travel and when home I'd hardly see the kids Mon-Thurs, by hardly I mean maybe 20 mins in the morn. But I'd usually be home all day Fridays and I would get nine whole weeks leave a year that I could take over school holidays.

I intend to accept the job but am shocked by people's reactions. A friend referred to me deserting my kids, my MiL (who NEVER helps with the kids) keeps making veiled references to how sad it all is, even the nanny keeps joking how the one year old will think she is the mother.

Is it normal to suffer such passive aggression for wanting to work? Is it so bad to be out of the house 4 days out of 7 if you know you can be fully present and involved for the other three days? Doesn't nine weeks leave actual mean I will see the kids as much as someone who works three days if averaged over a year? And why do I have to justify this? Why can't people celebrate my efforts to do well at work and at motherhood? I feel so judged and its making me second guess myself and my choices.

OP posts:

fromparistoberlin73 · 30/04/2014 23:02

OddFodd

how do you know that?? she says her role involves travel, and he clearly has a senior role that involves travel. ergo very likely demands will come up when both are overseas, and lets face it its quite hard to say "no" in such senior roles

I am NOT being sexist, I just think OP and her DH need to, must have, scenarios for when this happens

its a bloody big deal having 3 kids, and 2 parents working with overseas travel

LoveJillbooks · 30/04/2014 23:03

Most after school clubs are wonderful. Kids can choose to relax, play with their friends, get professional help with their homework, get healthy food. Given the choice most kids would like this no doubt.

CaptainSinker · 30/04/2014 23:05

I am amazed so many people think this is going to be OK. Your children are not going to have enough day to day contact with someone who loves them. Surely this is why family are concerned.

Could your husband cut back on his work?

I work full time and travel for work so not being sexist about this. Just feel that you and husband might regret this.

HavannaSlife · 30/04/2014 23:06

paris because that is what the op has said

OddFodd · 30/04/2014 23:08

I don't know that FromParis, obviously. She's going to try to make that happen but it's really not insurmountable if they're both away. I assume the older children are at school.

FWIW I'm a single parent and I run my own business. Sometimes I have to go abroad for work and I have to stay overnight. On those occasions DS goes to stay with friends or sometimes my parents can help out. Should I quit my career because there is the odd occasion when his only parent is out of the country? Of course not, that would be ridiculous. So why on earth would the OP have to turn down this great opportunity because there might be the odd occasion when her trusted nanny of four years has to look after the children overnight?

JadedAngel · 30/04/2014 23:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveJillbooks · 30/04/2014 23:09

Most people working with children love the children they work with, eg teachers, after school carers, nanny etc. You don't need tombe the parent in order to love a child.

OddFodd · 30/04/2014 23:15

And yet some of us must have voted for our current government, most of whom spent very little of their days with 'people who loved them', given most of them were boarders.

morethanpotatoprints · 30/04/2014 23:17

word

No, I don't think its impossible but needs careful thought.
The OP was wavering because of what people think, which is good.
Surely, it is better to make an informed decision with conviction than to make an ill informed bad one.
I haven't heard anybody suggest what her dh can do or wants to do in terms of cutting back on his career for a while.
Everybody should have their chance in life, of course they should.

JohnCusacksWife · 30/04/2014 23:17

Yet again I discover I'm out of step with most folk on MN. There's just no way I could/would sign up to a job that would allow me, at most, 20mins 4 days a week with my kids and even less when travelling. I really don't see how that's desirable or workable.

If your husband was at home more then it could work but he's not. It's nothing to do with sexism. It's simply if you already have one parent, regardless of gender, away a lot then I don't think the other parent can also take on that kind of role.

JadedAngel · 30/04/2014 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveJillbooks · 30/04/2014 23:18

..... They are very successful in their own right and I have no idea why you think they weren't loved as children.

fromparistoberlin73 · 30/04/2014 23:24

oddfod

Look I get it, I also work FT and travel away from kids time to time

alot of the people who are raising concerns are also WOHMS, not "1954" "pearl clutchers"

Devora · 30/04/2014 23:27

OP, the job sounds great. Best of luck

LoveJillbooks · 30/04/2014 23:35

Lots of successful parents are away all the time, top musicians, film makers, major politicians, Presidents, Royals, this had never done their kids any harm. OP just needs a good nanny (and cut herself some slack rather than feeling that she has to spend all her leave with her kids).

Suttonmum1 · 30/04/2014 23:38

I feel most sorry for the nanny who picks up all the pieces.
Would also love to know what high powered job can do without you working any weekends and having 9 weeks leave a year, to be taken in the school holidays when everyone else wants their time off too.

I don't know anyone in a job of the level being inferred here who doesn't have to go a long way over and above the agreed and contracted hours and days, so the sacrosanct fridays and weekends are soon swallowed up.

Bogeyface · 30/04/2014 23:43

Would also love to know what high powered job can do without you working any weekends and having 9 weeks leave a year, to be taken in the school holidays when everyone else wants their time off too.

MP?

Seriously, if you are good in your field and head hunted then you can negotiate fucking amazing terms, I have seen it happen. A friend of ours is a director for a multinational. He is very high powered and has a lot of power and responsibility, but because he is in the top 5 in the world in his field, he negotiated a fantastic package and spends more time at home than any of the rest of us in boring normal jobs. It does happen, just because 99% of us dont get that doesnt mean that the highest flyers dont.

LoveJillbooks · 30/04/2014 23:46

Richard Branson has plenty of time to do the things he likes, the higher up you are the better you can pursue your own interests.

LoveJillbooks · 30/04/2014 23:47

No need to feel sorry for the nanny, she will no doubt be well paid and ruling the roost.

JadedAngel · 30/04/2014 23:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LoveJillbooks · 30/04/2014 23:52

I don't KNOW they are fine but it would be no doubt all over the tabloids if they were not, so I suppose they are fine.

gilliangoof · 30/04/2014 23:53

Maybe 20 minutes a day? Will they at least see their dad a lot? If they see their dad a lot then they will be okay.

JadedAngel · 30/04/2014 23:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mimishimmi · 01/05/2014 00:29

YANBU but given your DH's working hours/travel as well I do think it's a lot of pressure to put upon the one nanny. You should hire another one.

Bogeyface · 01/05/2014 01:00

Would anyone care to vote on whether a man ever started a thread like this?

Unlikely that any man ever had second thoughts about taking a fantastic career advancing job on the basis that the nanny will see more of the kids than he will.

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