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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Builders' sexual harassment?

228 replies

TrueToYou · 28/04/2014 13:11

I work for local council. My office base is in the library which is undergoing a massive facelift.
As I left the building, 3 Builders (private firm undertaking the work) were standing facing the entrance. As I passed, one said "three ways".
They all laughed long and hard. I didn't look up, just ignored and moved on, but the more I think about it, the angrier I am becoming.
I see the comment as them deciding how they would share me between them. I don't think there is any doubt about that, as the long hard raucous laughter confirmed it.
Now. What to do? I'm annoyed I reacted by fiddling with my id badge, head down, hurrying on, but I guess I knew immediately a confrontation would just lead to 3 against 1 denial and gas lighting.
I'm considering making a complaint, but do not have any idea what these guys look like, other than that they were the firm's hi vis jackets.
Wwyd?

OP posts:
Nomama · 02/05/2014 12:58

But I do see what you mean, x-posted, neil.

I just can't do that. I have to be seen as being calm and in control. Maybe that is a product of my experiences ...

neiljames77 · 02/05/2014 13:00

dollsmouse - might be best to read the whole thread. Some women can just brush this kind of thing off as a few gobby dickheads, some might take it as a compliment, some might give a bit of abuse back and make them look small but some (most, I suspect) will find it offensive and degrading.
If I saw them shouting anything like that to either of my daughters, I'd be in handcuffs because I'd tip the scaffolding over.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2014 13:05

Nomama... thank you for explaining. That makes perfect sense now. Thanks

I have done exactly that because I've had a time lag (of maybe half an hour) between incident and complaint. Yes, it does make a positive difference because hell would freeze over before I'd want the men involved to see me distressed or upset, much as they would probably enjoy that.

dollsmouse... I really hope you don't have daughters because they have enough to stand up against without putting up with a dismissive, minimising 'parent'. Hmm

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2014 13:06

neiljames... I would hope that I would be witness to that because I would suddenly deviate from my 20:20 vision to become myopic, beset with extremely poor eyesight... Wink

neiljames77 · 02/05/2014 13:21

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe - I think I'd prefer it if you said you specifically heard them ASK me to move it. Then at least if there are any survivors, they'd get sacked for asking somebody untrained to use their equipment.
(in this thread, I've gone from being a lawyer to being a complete bastard. It's been quite a journey)

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2014 13:42

Nothing wrong with my hearing neiljames, that's exactly what I would have heard you say...

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 02/05/2014 13:43

heard them say, rather. Quite audibly.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 02/05/2014 14:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nomama · 02/05/2014 14:31

Not on purpose, Buffy. I don't think I said that anywhere. And some of your posts in response to mine were daft (dressing up as whom to complain? Smile). I did try to explain myself, and you did seem to ignore my explanations, we did not seem to be able to clear up what I had said and what had been impuned to me earlier in the thread.

A lot of it was because the OP said she was getting angrier, was worried about them gaslighting her, was annoyed etc. Those are the emotions that I have always found to be detrimental in such circumstances. I personally wait until I have calmed down and the red mist has cleared. So my OP was aimed at helping her cope with those emotions.

But that wasn't taken at face value almost immediately... I must try to be extremely clear and concise in future.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/05/2014 14:48

Your first post, no mama:

Or you may have passed by at the end of a joke!?

I am not saying you are, but you may be being a little bit OTT about it. I know we all feel it when men are being dicks, but we are also sometimes wrong!

Rather than getting angry or upset, park it for a day or two, note it in a diary.... wait and see if they repeat the behaviour, with you or anyone else, THEN use both episodes to report the sexist gobshites!

^^can you see why people thought you were saying OP needed a repeat incident before she reported and that her reaction was a bit OTT?

Nomama · 02/05/2014 18:02

I can now.... I didn't when I wrote it, obviously.

But I suspect that had someone else written it I would have read the last bit and realised that the poster may have been a little bit less careful with their wording than MNers seem to like/allow.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 02/05/2014 18:06

" In fact I would demand that every woman treated like this made diary entries and collected incontrovertible evidence and then nailed the bastards - fiercely!

Fortunately the construction industry is working hard to get rid of such idiots. But it wouldn't hurt if we were all a little more confident and only ever shouted wolf when we could absolutely prove it.."

But your next post said similar!

Honestly, nomama, I think we are more or less on the same side here but I don't think anyone has made a "where the fuck did she get that from?" Interpretation of your posts.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 02/05/2014 19:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nomama · 03/05/2014 14:16

Ah Scarlett "Where shall I go, what shall I do?" O'Hara!

Again, I have not said you were baiting me, I have said that some of your interpretations were daft and stupid, not that you are... quote me if you wish, I have read my posts back and cannot see anywhere I have said what you assert.

dollsmouse · 03/05/2014 14:42

And some neiljames won't have led such a sheltered life so as to render one word such a huge deal. I do have daughters thanks Lying and they'd be more thancapable of shrugging off one teeny offensive comment without long-term effect.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/05/2014 15:27

" teeny offensive comment without long-term effect."

How many offensive comments do you think are required for long term effect?

dollsmouse · 03/05/2014 15:32

I can only speak for myself, but personally I wouldn't have given it a second thought.

I am blond and petite and would say I receive at least four or five inappropriate looks or comments per day. I could spend my life being offended

dollsmouse · 03/05/2014 15:32

...and complaining or shrug it off as idiotic behaviour.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/05/2014 15:33

"Again, I have not said you were baiting me, "

Nomama, I think Buffy was referring to this from you:

"Having said that, you last post is a little bit more pointed, maybe deliberately provocative"

neiljames77 · 03/05/2014 15:36

dollsmouse - I already gave my answer to that though. Everybody's different.

Loverdose · 03/05/2014 15:41

I would encourage people to read a book called Everyday Sexism by Laura Bates. Such comments are inappropriate and should not be accepted as the "norm" by society.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 03/05/2014 15:43

dollsmouse... then perhaps you could spend a little time being less dismissive of others? The fact that you do not give this a second thought doesn't mean that others should treat it in the same way. It doesn't mean that they are - to use your charming turn of phrase - spending their lives being offended.

You are being offensive.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/05/2014 15:53

How many times should a black schoolboy put up with a group of three white men making racist remarks?

Nomama · 03/05/2014 16:03

Thanks, Doctrine... don't think that is accusatory, though. Just I had noticed that the post I was referring too (immediately prior to the one you quote) was noticeably more pointed/strident in its tone than previous ones...

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 03/05/2014 16:07

"Maybe deliberately provocative" doesn't strike you as a little bit accusatory?