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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Things you maybe shouldn't tell children.

86 replies

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 15:38

DSD 9 was here this weekend.

Her dad and I have been together for several yrs and recently had some issues. We split briefly and got back together again. We are very much in love and are both committed to rebuilding our relationship.

His ExW and I get on well and are friends, when we split she was very supportive and I disclosed that OH had displayed aggressive behaviour towards me.

OH CAN sometimes be quite aggressive and we are working through this.

During a row when with his ExW he nearly assaulted her which was the nail in the coffin of their marriage.

DSD was being a bit "offish" with OH this weekend - I asked her (when no one else was around) if she was ok and if she was angry with me/daddy. She said she had a secret she wasn't allowed to tell and I said that was ok and she didn't have to tell me if she didn't want to, but if it would make her feel better she could talk to me and we could try and make things better. She said "mummy told me that daddy punched her

OP posts:

WilsonFrickett · 27/04/2014 15:50

No I agree that no good could have possibly come of sharing this information with a 9 yo and I'm really not sure what XP was trying to do by sharing it.

However, you don't know that DP didn't punch his x and you don't know that xp genuinely believes that he didn't punch you. Lepords rarely change their spots, after all. She likely sees a pattern, unfortunately.

Original poster

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 15:52

His ex and him have both told me the same story separately which matches and did not involve him punching her.

Feel bad for my DSD :(

OP posts:

thebodydoestricks · 27/04/2014 15:53

Maybe she just means that he displays violent behaviour by saying punching?

Or if it's a secret who told her to keep it? Maybe it's true and they just haven't told you.

Not really a good idea to be keeping or encouraging secrets either.

Poor kid. She's seeing daddy being aggressive to her mum and now you.

You may not want comments on your relationship but here's one anyway, take care op.

Original poster

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 15:55

She has never seen him be aggressive to me.

OP posts:

greenwinter · 27/04/2014 16:01

weathergames - Most kids know if their dad has been agressive to their mum. They hear things for once, even if they are supposed to be asleep in bed.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/04/2014 16:01

Your upset because your sc has been told quite correctly that her dad is aggressive?

And you think this is a problem of the ex's making not your husbands?

You need to have a rethink

Original poster

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 16:05

She was 3 when they spilt up.

It was one incident which both parties have confirmed.

I am not defending his behaviour - I am upset that my DSD has been told this I cannot see what the value is in her knowing.

He is never aggressive to her and I feel sad that this has been pointed out to her when it didn't need to be.

OP posts:

UnderthePalms · 27/04/2014 16:06

If the punching didn't happen I think it would be better to tell dsd that than to say people make mistakes and then move on from them. Otherwise she is getting the message it's ok to stay with someone who punches you

Original poster

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 16:07

Do we tell 9 yr olds when one party is unfaithful too?

OP posts:

UnderthePalms · 27/04/2014 16:07

Sorry should have said "make mistakes and learn from them" not "move on from them. "

Original poster

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 16:09

I did tell her it didn't happen to me. I said I don't know what happened between mummy and daddy.

I told her it is never okay to be with someone who hurts you and that daddy is talking to someone about why he gets angry.

OP posts:

greenwinter · 27/04/2014 16:10

No weathergames, we don't tell a child if one partner has been unfaithful. But we have no idea the context in which this information was imparted.

For example the child could have asked her mother why her dad gets so angry and horrible to her SM.

SpringBreaker · 27/04/2014 16:11

It probably won't be long before he punches you. Sorry but you are minimising his aggression. Just as his ex seems to be too. He won't change, he will get worse.

Original poster

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 16:13

I have been with him for 5 yrs and he hasn't punched me yet .

OP posts:

greenwinter · 27/04/2014 16:15

And the truth is if your partner is aggressive, he will not only have been aggressive in one incident to the ex. If he was going to learn his lesson and change. he would have done it before now. If a break up of a marriage in which you have a child doesn't change your behaviour, I can't see that anything will.

And I agree that you are totally minimising the aggressiveness of your partner.

WorraLiberty · 27/04/2014 16:15

Perhaps she asked her Mum why they split and she said because her Dad was aggressive towards her...and being 9yrs old she turned aggression into punching? It's quite understandable if that's the case.

OP, I sincerely hope you have no children that are being forced to share a home with this aggressive man?

Kids pick up on that sort of thing very easily and you don't know what mental/emotional damage that can do until they're grown up and it's often too late

greenwinter · 27/04/2014 16:16

weathergames - Do you find yourself ever being careful not to annoy or upset him because of how he may react?

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 27/04/2014 16:17

OP do you believe it was right to tell your DSD that 'people make mistakes but learn from them' when faced with a 9 yr old who knows her dad has been aggressive in 2 relationships now? In what way has he learned?

You may well have felt put on the spot but I honestly think that was an inappropriate response in this situation.

In terms of not telling DC certain things, that's fine in lots of situations but not to cover up the reality of her dad being aggressive towards those he's supposed to love. How does your OH feel about his aggression now? What steps has he taken/is he taking to address this? If he's genuinely had a light bulb moment 'this time' then maybe he'd be best to explain his behaviour to your DSD. That might well be a light bulb moment for you too, in how honestly he explains himself and expresses his regret.

I think you are worrying about the wrong thing here completely.

Original poster

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 16:19

We are seeing a counsellor at Relate together.

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/04/2014 16:19

Poor child. She is getting lots of mixed messages and "parts" of stories. No doubt very confused. I think the 3 adults need to have a conversation and work out why she thinks daddy punched people and what you are ALL going to do to sort out this little mite's head. She doesnt need conflicting messages. She needs to be made feel secure and safe, particularly now. If dad is in anger management- tell her. It's yoo late to hide this from her now so she needs to know you are all 'fixing' the problem and that it is working.

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 27/04/2014 16:22

No anger management? Individual counselling for him?

What have the relate sessions done for you so far then OP? What light bulb moments has your OH had?

Original poster

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 16:24

Really really hate the term "anger management".

We all get angry and sometimes it's a good emotion a lot of things get changed through anger - it's how we express it that we need to address.

OP posts:

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/04/2014 16:26

Yes OP- that is the point of anger management. Some people get angry and manage it appropriately- others get angry and manage it inappropriately. Nothing wrong with the term anger management. It is exactly what some need.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/04/2014 16:27

But i see more minimising even in your last post. You arent ready to deal with this the way it needs to be dealt with.

Original poster

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 16:29

I hate it.

It's a behaviour/symptom of stuff that is going on way beneath the surface.

That's what my OH is addressing and is having many light bulb moments - like talking to me about stuff woken he feels shit.

25 yrs in the military kind of stops you doing that.

OP posts:

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