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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Things you maybe shouldn't tell children.

86 replies

Weathergames · 27/04/2014 15:38

DSD 9 was here this weekend.

Her dad and I have been together for several yrs and recently had some issues. We split briefly and got back together again. We are very much in love and are both committed to rebuilding our relationship.

His ExW and I get on well and are friends, when we split she was very supportive and I disclosed that OH had displayed aggressive behaviour towards me.

OH CAN sometimes be quite aggressive and we are working through this.

During a row when with his ExW he nearly assaulted her which was the nail in the coffin of their marriage.

DSD was being a bit "offish" with OH this weekend - I asked her (when no one else was around) if she was ok and if she was angry with me/daddy. She said she had a secret she wasn't allowed to tell and I said that was ok and she didn't have to tell me if she didn't want to, but if it would make her feel better she could talk to me and we could try and make things better. She said "mummy told me that daddy punched her

OP posts:
TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 27/04/2014 16:29

You still haven't said what your OH is doing himself to address his inappropriate aggressive behaviour. It's ended one relationship, and nearly ended yours. Or do you feel responsible for his behaviour?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 27/04/2014 16:30

Have you told relate about the aggression?

They are meant to have a different approach to therapy when that's an issue

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/04/2014 16:31

Please dont make excuses for him. The military doesnt decide how he behaves. He does. As i said. You arent yet ready/willing to deal with this how it needs dealt with.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/04/2014 16:33

It is quite possible that she's understood something her mum said to mean 'punched,' isn't it?

TBH, when I read your OP with you saying he'd 'been aggressive' to you and his ex wife, I assumed you meant physically aggressive too. Not that I think non-physical aggression is any better, just that's how I read it.

I agree you need to talk to your OH because the bottom line is that his DD is either scared of him or angry with him or both, isn't it? That's not something you or his ex wife can make better on his behalf. It's tricky that she feels this is a 'secret' she's not meant to talk about. Sad

TensionWheelsCoolHeels · 27/04/2014 16:33

Ex military with lots of deeply buried issues - your OH isn't going to be able to learn to control his aggressive behaviour from relate. If this goes way deeper than relationship issues then relate won't even touch the sides.

Again, what exactly is your OH doing about the reasons he is now telling you are the cause of his inability to control his anger/aggression?

greenwinter · 27/04/2014 16:36

I thought joint counselling was not recommended for abusive relationships. And if he is being aggressive to you, this is an abusive relationship.

Original poster
Weathergames · 27/04/2014 16:38

We openly discuss his (pasy( aggression. In counselling and at home. He is managing to change his behaviour. He tells me when he is struggling before he feels he needs to blow and when he's feeling frustrated he goes out in his own for a bit. He doesn't live here anyway he lives on base.

I am not sure why I need to justify my OH or what steps he is taking to change.

Posted as worried about my DSD who has never ever witnessed her father being aggressive to me or her mum.

Whatever his behaviour his DSD should not have been told a lie. He has never laid a finger on me.

If he ever did he would not be my OH anynore. I not am idiot - men can struggle with their emotions without being a full on abusive twat.

OP posts:
LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/04/2014 16:42

Everyone can struggle with emotions without being abusive.

But I can understand why she might be confused about what happened because the phrase 'been aggressive' that you use is ambiguous, and if her mum used a similarly ambiguous one, it isn't that surprising she, at 9, interpreted it as meaning something physical.

I am stressing this because you seem really focussed on the fact that he didn't actually punch you. Which obviously for you is extremely important, because you feel you'd leave if he did, so for you it is a crucial issue.

But for her mum, or for her, it might not be like that. Aggression is scary whatever form it takes. She's 9, she's entitled to be 'offish' and scared if she's just finding out about this. And her mum is entitled to be upset about it, too. IMO.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/04/2014 16:44

OP you are 'justifying' because it's relevant to the issue. Do you know someone actually told her he punched or could she have drawn her own conclusions? I think you are in denial btw. You are angry at the wrong person.

greenwinter · 27/04/2014 16:44

weathergames - A number of people have explained how your DD could interpret aggressiveness as your partner has punched you. You don't know if your DSD has ever witnessed any aggressiveness, and I suspect she will be well aware that her dad is at times aggressive to you and has been to her mum.

Children are usually far more aware of what is actually going on than the adults in their lives give them credit for.

monicalewinski · 27/04/2014 16:46

The military doesn't make someone aggressive or prone to bottling things up, the person and their experiences do that.

If he has been in a role where he perhaps has issues to work through, then he needs to do that too rather than just putting a fresh plaster on things (ie couples relate). Relate needs to be done as well as private counselling for himself.

With regards to your step daughter, I'm inclined to agree with worra upthread - perhaps she misinterpreted you 'fighting' with daddy as a physical fight rather than verbal?

Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2014 16:50

It needs to stop being a secret for the child to keep.

The ex may of been asking the DD about his behaviour and trying to judge if he is becoming aggressive towards his DD, which is common in abusive men when their DD's go from a child to young teen/woman ( if they tend to be more aggressive/entitled around females).

I think that you need a frank conversation with his ex that isn't accusing or blaming her for this situation.

monicalewinski · 27/04/2014 16:52

I just saw that he lives on base still.

If he is still serving, then he will have immediate access to mental health services; all he has to do is go to the med centre, speak to the Dr and he will be referred immediately - you rarely wait more than a couple of weeks for an appt with the cpn.

If he is struggling with anger, then he should go - and if he's been in 25 years he's a senior rank, so should know all this anyway (part of his job to be able to advise jnrs how to access relevant services).

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/04/2014 16:53

Agree with birds, it seems unfair on a 9 year old to see this as a 'secret'.

It might easily be that she approached her mum for this conversation, not vice versa, too - even if you think she's not seen him being aggressive, she might have figured out that her dad having to get up and leave in order to get in control of his emotions is going on, and that would lead to questions, wouldn't it?

Birdsgottafly · 27/04/2014 16:54

If he lives on Base, is he being aggressive towards anyone in there? has he been in the past?

If it's just within personal relationships then the ex has every right to do whatever necessary to protect her DD.

Otherwise the DD could think that it is her fault and there lives the stuff that fills the "Stately Homes" thread and the silence and enabling, excuse making from wider family members.

Original poster
Weathergames · 27/04/2014 16:55

She told me "mummy told me he punched her and he punched you"

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 27/04/2014 16:56

My OH could be in the "stately homes" thread too.

OP posts:
YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/04/2014 16:57

Ok so as i said- all 3 adults need to have calm non accusing conversation and find out why DSD said that. And then all decide what you are going to tell her to make her feel safe and secure again. And to get rid of the confusion.

WilsonFrickett · 27/04/2014 16:57

I posted and ran, but have to admit I assumed the phrase 'being agressive' was a way to minimise 'is a bit handy with his fists'. It's entirely plausible a 9 yo could make the same assumption.

YoureBeingASillyBilly · 27/04/2014 16:58

And stop making excuses for him!!

Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2014 16:58

We are seeing a counsellor at Relate together

Firstly, abusers are notorious for manipulating couples counselling.

Secondly, your concern should be that dsd is growing up with an aggressive and potentially violent man, not that she's been told he's aggressive.

Thirdly, you can't work on his abusiveness together that is something he needs to do himself. And you minimising It won't help you or her.

LRDtheFeministDragon · 27/04/2014 16:58

Yes, but she is nine.

She probably isn't quoting her mum exactly.

I'm 29, and I read your OP and assumed you meant he'd hit you, so I can easily see how a nine year old would think that.

I wouldn't paraphrase it by saying 'ah, so he hit you?' because I am an adult with a modicum of awareness that people use circumlocutions for a reason and find these things hard to discuss, but I really think it is understandable that a child might not get that.

Original poster
Weathergames · 27/04/2014 16:59

He is having individual therapy too.

I have a counselling diploma btw.

OP posts:
Original poster
Weathergames · 27/04/2014 17:00

He has NEVER hit me.

OP posts:
Waltermittythesequel · 27/04/2014 17:00

My OH could be in the "stately homes" thread too

Unfortunately history sometimes repeats itself.